I am a 28, almost 29 year old guy and I have never had a "friend with benefits". Anytime I was ever physically involved with a girl, she was my girlfriend and we were in a relationship together. I am surprised at how many posts I read on this board and there are females saying "well, I thought he just wanted sex, and thats fine" or "I had a one night stand with this guy the other night" it just intrigues me. Maybe its just something to do with the girls I meet but I never seem to meet a new girl and have her give me the impression that shes just after sex.
To all those out there who have had these types of encounters..how did it come about? Was it something that you talked about beforehand and then reached a mutual decision? Was it just the type of thing where you both fell into each others arms with no discussion? How did it all come about.
Hey Matt, I found it just happens. In fact that part is easy, it's finding a relationship that is hard in my experience.
Just do some online dating for instance. Meet many women, some you will end up being mutally attracted to and for whatever reason a relationship isn't in the cards but a FWB thing may occur. Older, independent women seem to like this as well not to mention they have really woken up sexually.
Let's say that theres a girl I know(by the way there really is,lol.) and I am just about 29, she is 35. Shes very attractive, very nice, easy-going type of personality, friendly, kind, and all that good stuff. Shes also single, no boyfriend at all, she just dates here and there.
How do you get something like that to happen without forming a relationship at the same time? I don't think shes looking for a serious relationship with anyone right now due to some bad experiences in the past. I mean do you sit down and talk to her about it and be like look this is what I want to happen and if she is willing to go alone with it then proceed to make the plans concerning the time and date? or do you just wait until you are alone with her some day and take a chance and make a move and hope she don't knock you out? lol. and if that is the "proper" way of doing it then the next question would be then what happens if you are never alone with her? Because we've never been alone beyond a few seconds.
I am curious, I dont mind talking to her or doing what I have to do to make things happen but I would like to try to make sure I am going about it the right way.
Last edited by Mattm4000; 09-11-2007 at 12:36 PM.
Reason: Spelling error
Before anything happens Matt............you really should be honest and upfront. In a nice way......you should say you aren't looking for a relationship/girlfriend. After you kiss, heavy petting or whatever, you really should be upfront.
Friendof....I am older and independent....but I prefer a relationship anyday. I never had a one night stand....honestly.
Good luck Matt.....honestly is always best this way you give her the option to stay or walk.
Ahhh...well that's a little tougher when you have someone specific in mind as it all depends on the individual. For example, our friend dma here wouldn't do it and I've met other women who just knew they couldn't do it without getting attached and therefore wouldn't do it, others that didn't want any kind of relationship and were very into it, and still others that once the relationship side of things fizzled or wouldn't happen were still into getting together for the sex. Not that that is what I was looking for at all, and dma, I've never done a one night thing either...always been at least one other time.
So, Matt. I really don't know. I think dma is right in that you need to be upfront about not wanting a relationship then if the two of you do go ahead with things then you know it isn't a serious thing.
(eek! dma did you read what I just said there!?)
I also think you need to be prepared for it to not last too long though, since chances are one or both of you will still be looking around.
That's the sucky part of FWB, you definitely don't want to feel used or feel like you're using someone by promising something that isn't there. Definitely be honest. I've never been in one longer than two or three months so maybe avoided some of that.
Haha...a relationship is what I wanted dma. I am happy now!
Most women aren't after just sex, much to the chagrin of many men I've had one night stands and they are incredible because to me, the first time you sleep with a person is the best time - all the newness. A lot of women would take offense to the suggestion that you have a relationship based on sex and nothing else.
You can't actually say to a woman "Is it okay if I use you just to get my physical needs met? " Ahaha. There has to be a mutual burning physical attraction...and you would know if there was, I assume.
When I was younger, like 18-21, I found myself in friend-with-benefits situations over and over again by default. Everytime a guy friend wanted to sleep with me I'd be all "Ooooh, he likes me! He's going to be my boyfriend!" Except, not. Ahaha.
Now that I'm older I currently have a friend with benefits, and I knew going in what the score was. We started off as acquaintances, and before long I was craaaaaazy attracted to him. I knew that he didn't want to get stuck in another relationship because he's been burned pretty bad in the past. It's hard for me sometimes to see him so infrequently, but I know it's a good thing because if I saw him all the time I would get bored, like I inevitably do.
Most of the time, though FWB is playing with fire because when you have all of that intimacy, it's a given that one person is going to end up getting attached. And then you'll have nothing but drama. Maybe it would be wiser to look online or in classified ads for women who specify that they are just looking for a good time.
Last edited by Mod-S4; 09-14-2007 at 07:47 PM.
Reason: In appropriate comment removed. Vulgar terms are not allowed.
Thanks for all your responses. I would love to have a relationship with someone, its just that I haven't had any luck in meeting girls lately. The girl I am referring to, shes the one who's not looking for a relationship. Her and I recently had a talk about the topic and she says that she only wants to be with the right guy, shes one of these girls that finds something wrong with every guy that she meets. Theres this one guy I know and he is crazy about her, I mean crazy, he would move heaven and earth to be with her if he could and although they are friends and she does treat him pretty good in return she said she would never get involved with him, when I asked her why she said because he's too short and he's overweight. Meanwhile, the guy seems like he would treat her so well.
I can understand if your in a relationship with someone and the relationship ends but the sex continues, old habits are hard to break, I was in that situation one time with an ex but what intrigues me is when a girl and a guy just end up in bed, never having been in a relationship, never had dated, just like when it happens out of nowhere. Whenever I hear about that I always wonder what the story was behind it..like who approached who? how long did they know each other prior? why aren't they dating and why is this all they have? I guess it just seems weird to me because I never had it happen to me.
There was this one time I went on a date with this woman...we were attracted to each other and one thing lead to another. We both enjoyed it but I knew I wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship with her and she wasn't looking for a relationship, the sex was fantastic for us both so we just continued to see each other from time to time while we weren't seeing anyone else. In fact I did end up meeting someone and had to break it off with the friend...the new woman and I didn't work out and then the friend and I got back together again briefly before I met my current and hopefully last gf. The key was that we were honest about everything and said exactly what we expected. There was one time I was concerned she wanted more and we had an open and honest discussion about it which completely put my mind at ease.
lol, well it happend to me quite by accident a few years ago Matt, I went out with a girl from work, and there was a big age difference, and we got along really great, so i told her " I know you don't want your friends to see you with an old guy like me", and i told her i really liked her and I'd love to be her "part timer" and she went along with it for about 6 months, then she got weird about it and wanted to get serious, and she had a reputation for thrashing ex-boyfriend's cars, so I was glad when she met a guy her age, and dumped me.
Several years ago I met guy similar to what you described--no dating--just very attracted and always ended up in bed--only he was someone I worked with, so I knew him a little. We were VERY physically attracted to one another.......he didn't want anything more...I'd never done the FWB before and I found that I'm just not the type of girl to have ongoing sex and not want love to get there eventually. I tried to "legitimize" my mistake by getting a friendship going....a walk in the park, SOMETHING....it just wasn't happening. We had nothing in common other than wanting to tear each other's clothes off. To this day, whenever we see each other in public, the urge to steal off into the nearest dark corner to have sex is there...the physical chemistry never left...it's just I need to feel as if a connection is based on something more. It felt cheap to me.
Just read the first post and barely skimmed some of the responding posts, so I may be coming in late on this but....
Just my two cents, but I think FWB situations are bad news. It's just two people who are pretending to care about each other, but who really don't, because if they did, they wouldn't be using each other in such a way, to satisfy a momentary physical need, and in the process, wasting time and neglecting attending to their much more important emotional needs.
I tried this FWB situation once and it was one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made in my life. I still feel like jumping in the shower and scrubbing myself when I think about it. I didn't have sex, but sexual contact and while it didn't last very long at all, and I got out of it pretty easily and unscathed, my emotions weren't on the line because it was with someone I had a strange, raw physical chemistry with, but who I really couldn't stand as a human being. I see it as a huge mistake I made out of a great deal of pain I was in and trying everything I could think of to chase it away. But I regret it deeply, and if I could go back and undo it, I would.
But whether the woman ends up hurt when you won't offer more, or you get hurt because she won't, or you both end it mutually but just feel cheap, or the next woman who likes you, dumps you because of your past meaningless casual flings, my experience is that it just causes more problems than it fixes, and it's just not a good idea. It's putting a band aid on something that really requires stitches. You're missing something in your life, and it won't be fixed by meaningless, loveless casual hook ups. Not to mention, you can't guarantee these women will be honest about their sexual histories, or they can't be assured you won't be honest, and that's how we got to the point where 1 out of every 4 adult Americans has herpes. Think long and hard whether a casual hook up and a few months of loveless, emotionless, meaningless sex is worth having herpes for the rest of your life. And how easy it will be to find a nice girl to settle down with after you get herpes.
To get a FWB...umm.. in my experiences I never wanted to be a "booty call" but occasionally- I was. lol..
Most of the time guys would just straight out tell me there not looking for a relationship...or vice versa.. but did want to date me aka sleep with me..lol
either you find a girl whose cool with that, or shes not going to be that type of girl.
In the end, I felt used. So it was fun while it lasted, but it was nicer that it was over.
But...if you want a FWB, say you meet a female at a bar or social gathering- and you hit it off with her..you just have to let her know your not looking for a relationship but continue to I guess kinda charm her. It's called being a "player" ...lol..i hate that word "player" but thats all I can think of..
If a female is attracted to you enough, and shes single..shell probably go for the "FWB" without even realizing it..
If a female is attracted to you enough, and shes single..shell probably go for the "FWB" without even realizing it..
That's the part about the FWB situation that makes it so scuzzy. the "without her even realizing it" part. That's called "using" someone, and it's just not a very nice thing to do. To the OP, why would you want to know how to go out and intentionally inflict emotional pain on another human being?
I think FWB is never completely absent of emotion...it just may be absent of romantic emotions towards the other involved party.
It seems that oftentimes, FWB is spurred out of feelings of:
*anger, perhaps because one was cheated on previously and attempts to "get even"
*loneliness, because one is tired of feeling alone, isolated
*hopelessness, because one doesn't think he/she will find THE ONE, or has experienced failed relationships
*boredom, because something more meaningful seems difficult to engage in
*low self-esteem, beacuse we seek to affirm our desirability
*selfish lust, because one simply wants to get laid
*fear, because intimacy=vulnerability=potential pain, loss, suffering!
This feelings may not be apparent when the action is intiated, but ususally surface some time later when the individual realizes his/her deepest, truest needs are not being met by the FWB arrangement.
There are lots of reasons, each individual with his/her own, that FWB happens. Primarily, I think they are based on negative emotions. Sometimes what we truly want, desire is not available, so we make do with the resource supply that is immediately available instead of exercising patience in waiting for something with more depth. Ultimately, why would you settle for FWB when you could have something better? I've never understood the desire myself; I think some folks engage in FWB but deceive themselves into thinking something deeper will develop. Also, some rationalize that even though he may not love me afterwards, even though he may be boning somebody else, we'll always be connected, i'll always have this memory of our sex...
Sex is awesome, but is the awesomest under certain circumstances. It's like hot cocoa, I sure do like it, but in the middle of a hot summer? It's a lot more satisfying after a cold, wintry day of skiing...
To get a FWB, I suggest going to a bar, anywhere people are drinking i suppose, and trying your luck with an intoxicated individual. Or perhaps yyou can search a swingers ads, find a girl who has a crush on you, or just ask one of your friends if she'd be interested. You'd be surprised what a response you'll get. But I'll warn you, you probably won't be friends once the benefits end...And anyone who truly is a healthy friend won't engage in this behavior with you, because they'll have faith in your worth (and their own) and encourage you to seek out something more.
Last edited by Chubbycheeks; 09-12-2007 at 02:04 PM.
Another point to consider, there is no 100% fool proof form of birth control, and that movie Knocked Up, could very well happen in reality, only without the pretty, sweet Hollywood ending. You may get a woman pregnant who you can't coerce into an abortion. Keep in mind that the person you choose to have a fling with or a FWB situation with, you could very well end up being a co-parent with them and be tied to them for the rest of your life.
How did I miss this thread? When I read the title it seemed like you were looking for tips and all I could do was laugh (no offense)!
If you aren't interested in the girl in any other way then sexually be upfront and let her know that, but nicely of course. Whether it be you tell her you just are not ready for a relationship or whatever the reason may be. She can then decide what she wants to do. But if you lie and make it seem like you could be more into her then you are then you are being a jerk and you don't want that.
I had a couple FWB situations. In one I got hurt very badly because I had way too many feelings and I thought that somehow by sleeping with him I could make him fall in love with me. The other was when I was a little older (and more experienced) and it was a mutual thing. We were great friends and had a great time when we went out together and we had amazing sex. It was win/win/win for me and for him. It ended when I found someone who I was really interested in and wanted date exclusively.
Whatever you decide just be careful and honest with the girl!
Just remember, also, that FWB=baggage you take and dump on your real partner to have to accept and deal with. I like to give someone I love as few reasons as possible to think I am contaminated, or of poor moral discernment. I like to be able to show that hey, i was lonely and horny but I had patience and confidence you'd be coming along so I waited because YOU ARE WORTH IT, sweetie. Only somebody special gets what I gots to give. I feel like FWB lessens what you have to offer. If it's free, ain't nobody gonna buy it...
And sure, what's in the past is in the past, and it was before we met, etc.
But still, which one would you prefer:
a partner who has had lots of other partners, and lots of unattached relations,
a partner with less experience, less baggage, and who chose his/her relations wisely and with soul?
ANd let's be honest here...we all compare/contrast our lovers. It's impossible not to do. We are the culmination of all our life experiences. We say hey, this is different, or hey, he didn't do this so well, or hey, this worked out great with him...and we sometimes unintentionally place expectations of our future experiences to be like our past experiences.
Guess that's why they call me an idealist...because I refuse to
settle for less. Now anyways. Admittingly, I've done the FWB and I've regretted it, for many reasons. Among them, if the behavior was practiced by a large percentage of the population, I think we'd have seem major public (and private) health problems. I think STDs would be even more widespread than they are. We'd have a lot of desensitized people unable to experience sexual intimacy who have to be doped up to get off or be happy...oh wait, that's already how it is...too late...
Also, I hate to think what I took away from that person and his/her future spouse's experience. I'd hate to think I took from her what he meaninglessly wasted on me. It's like looking at someone and saying, "Hey, I'll use your body, but the rest of you is unlovable in my eyes. I'll use you for my purposes, but your deeper needs, I couldn't care less."
Learning together is so much of the fun to me...i prefer to play the goodgirl. having been the badgirl, good is much more satisfying mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and OH YES, sexually.
In a nutshell, FWB removes that deeper, warm, ecstatical high that occurs when we have sex in a situation of mutual affections. You may orgasm, but even the physiological response of FWB is not as intense as in a love relationship. There is a mind-body connection that FWB neglects.
Last edited by Chubbycheeks; 09-14-2007 at 11:43 AM.