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Old 09-13-2007, 06:32 PM   #1
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Girlfriend blaming herself for mishaps with sick guys, help...

Okay im sure most of you know, im the inexperienced, insecure, low self esteemed guy who has had 3 rough relationships. On the other hand, this is the best so far, and we've been together 6 months.

So i made a thread awhile ago, i did not know how to react when she told me she was raped before...twice...well i set it aside, and helped her just leave it. But last night while i was at work, she went to her friend's place (who lives with her boyfriend). Apparently the last time she was there, he kept making perverted remarks and trying to come on to her (right next to his girlfriend too). Last night he continued with the harassment for awhile, except later it got to the point where he took my girlfriend to another area, and held her hands and attempted to kiss her. She refused, and yelled for help (the guy's girlfriend came...ironically). That ended, i was still at work, then she had to get a ride home from somebody else, two guys, one was her friend's boyfriend (another one), and some random guy. Apparently the trip was okay, they seemed nice, but after they dropped her off, they waited outside of her window, and right when she was about to change she noticed them.

This makes me sick. I know we cant swear on this site, but its really hard not to. We had a whole talk about this, and i am telling her, that if she associates herself with bad people, she will either be seen as a bad person or have bad things done to her. She went to see her friend (decent girl, i met her before, mild mannered but shes way too influenced by her scum boyfriend), so i figured it'd be okay.

I told her to tell her brother (who is a US marine), she said no, i told her to tell her mom, she said no, i told her to tell her step-dad, she said no, i told her to call the police, she said no. The reason for this is because the guy who did it is apparently such a lowlife that he is known around the area, him and his brothers, who sell drugs, assault people, all sorts of stupid things. She is afraid to tell anyone because she doesnt want any harm to come to her, or her family. I told her that if she told her brother, he'd handle it, since he is skilled with weapons and martial arts, she said she doesnt want to see him get hurt either.

She is blaming herself for having all of these mishaps, she says before me, besides the two big-time rapes, she had a few other really minor ones, where nothing sexual was done but things were attempted to be forced, but she got away. She is a smaller girl, so its difficult for her to defend herself. I am a small, soft spoken guy, so i cannot do anything either. I just ordered her a small thing of pepper spray off of the internet, and i know her, she will be too scared to use it if anything like that were to happen. How do i talk her out of this (ridiculous) mentality?

I already told her that if she wants to be safe, she has to listen to my advice. Dont go to places where stupid scum people like that guy will be there, if you're at a place with scum, you'll be seen as one of them, and you'll probably be involved with something bad if not you have something bad to do. I told her i dont want her to dressing infront of the window, because there are sick people who will watch and possibly stalk (i told her this awhile ago). I told her that she needs to not be so nice to people, being nice is great and everything, but if you are the slightest bit nice that gives some braindead people the okay to harass the hell out of her (i told her this awhile ago too). I told her that under any circumstances do i want her going over there again, and i said if she does, i will tell her brother (who is a pretty close friend of mine now) or the authorities.

So my questions are:
1) How do i get her out of this ridiculous mentality? She is helpless, yes, but she can avoid situations so the odds of it happening drastically reduce.
2) I promised her i wouldnt tell anyone, and i wont. But i do feel that she should tell the authorities, or get someone to do so. Despite the harm that may be threatened against her and her family.
3) What ways can i keep her safe? I am a small guy, soft spoken, so i cant talk bad to people, and i cant exactly intimidate people. I always carry a knife around me for protection though. The advice i gave her i know she'll follow, but i am scared for her. Now she is saying she doesnt want friends, she doesnt want to know anyone besides her immediate family and myself.

Please help, also, the sooner the better. Since this is a fresh problem, i figured i could get fresh advice to immediately put into play. Im just horribly stressed over this.

 
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Old 09-13-2007, 07:10 PM   #2
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Blastoff9600 HB UserBlastoff9600 HB User
Re: Girlfriend blaming herself for mishaps with sick guys, help...

First and foremost dont tell her brother...there are codes of conduct he must follow. By you suggesting seh tell him you are setting him to ruin his career in the military. If he were to go after those guys he will be get in trouble with the military not the police. And trust me you dont want him getting in trouble with the military because it can have far worse things occur than if it was just a civilian brother protecting his sister.
Second of all look in the phone book for defense classes and sign both yourselves up for it. If you cant find any call your local police and ask them for a list of places that offer that.
There is more than your gf being small and hanging out with the wrong people to be assualted as many times as she has been there is more to her than what she might have told you. I strongly suggest you get her into counseling to help her. Not saying she is sick or crazy but she needs to figure out why she keeps putting herself in situations like she has been. cousneling will help her find out and give her the means to stop it. Without giving up on having friends. Granted she needs friends that arent involved with others who prey on women like your gf.
Best you can do is support her. And keep trying to get her to protect herself or avoid those situations.
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Old 09-13-2007, 07:17 PM   #3
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Re: Girlfriend blaming herself for mishaps with sick guys, help...

I also forgot to mention, counseling is out of the question. Her family cannot afford it, my family cannot afford it, and our school does not offer free counseling. I wish it were that easy for either of us to get counseling but we just cant.

As far as self defense classes, personally i would do that for my own entertainment, but i know she would not want to do that. She is scared of confrontations, and i know for a fact she'd never use any kind of technique to get herself out of a situation. On top of that, like i said, she is a smaller girl, she does not have the strength to defend herself. If anything, i told her i got her pepper spray, and i told her if things get tough, she has to swear she'll use it. Other than that, i cannot think of a single thing.

 
Old 09-13-2007, 08:45 PM   #4
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Re: Girlfriend blaming herself for mishaps with sick guys, help...

She doesnt have to pay for it if she goes to a rape center or planned parenthood can help her find something. There are ways to get counseling just requires a bit of work. She can call a rape crises line and find counseling that way too.
As for self defense there are classes strictly for women that teach even the smallest of women to be able to defend themselves. And I do mean tiny. A dear friend of mine is 5 foot even and barely weighs 100 pounds but she has taken down guys that were 250+ all because she knew the right places to hit. You would be amazed what the right places can do to a man and I dont just mean the family jewels though that is always a good way to go.
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Old 09-14-2007, 05:24 AM   #5
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Re: Girlfriend blaming herself for mishaps with sick guys, help...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blastoff9600 View Post
There is more than your gf being small and hanging out with the wrong people to be assualted as many times as she has been there is more to her than what she might have told you. I strongly suggest you get her into counseling to help her. Not saying she is sick or crazy but she needs to figure out why she keeps putting herself in situations like she has been. cousneling will help her find out and give her the means to stop it. Without giving up on having friends. Granted she needs friends that arent involved with others who prey on women like your gf.
Best you can do is support her. And keep trying to get her to protect herself or avoid those situations.
I agree, she really needs to figure out why she is doing this to herself. Honestly, how many times can you put yourself in this sort of situation before you wake up and realize that you are not making wise decisions?

I know you said counselling is out of the question for her due to finances, but I'm pretty sure that if she looks into some sort of rape crisis group they would make the counselling and self defense available free of charge. The thing is, she needs to stop playing the victim and take control of her life or she will continue to put herself in these situations. Perhaps you could persuade her to find a support group or even take the inititive and see if you can find one in the area and offer to take her.

 
Old 09-14-2007, 05:54 AM   #6
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Re: Girlfriend blaming herself for mishaps with sick guys, help...

I'll do my best, i somehow dont see her complying with the whole defense class.

I told her that i dont want to control her, but im going to be a little more careful about where she goes. If there are stupid people or scum anywhere near there, i dont want her there. I feel kind of guilty for the other night, i talked her into seeing a friend since she didnt see anyone for awhile, so i talked her into going while i was at work. Then i knew her friend's boyfriend has been persistent about flirting with her the last time, and i knew he is scum, drug dealer, jailbait lowlife. I should have seen it coming.

 
Old 09-14-2007, 06:12 AM   #7
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Re: Girlfriend blaming herself for mishaps with sick guys, help...

It's not your fault Lazer so don't blame yourself. All you did was encourage your girlfriend to hang out with friends and be less dependent on you. That is a good thing. You can't control other people's actions toward her. She is clearly insecure and not very sure of herself which is why she will hang around with these "low lifes". If she had a little more self respect she would realize that they are bad news.

Is there anything else that she is interested in that she could do that would help boost her confidence and hopefully meet some new people?

 
Old 09-14-2007, 06:30 AM   #8
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Re: Girlfriend blaming herself for mishaps with sick guys, help...

Yeah and i just talked about the self defense class, she said no, because shes not going out anymore because shes sick of all of the people around here. Which i understand, so am i. Not because of these situations, but the young people in this area seem to be lacking common sense.

And i tried to name her hobbies or things to keep herself busy with, and there really isnt much that worked. She (hopefully) starts class on monday, so that might keep her busy and more positive.

But i told her from now on, i dont want to be riding on her back or anything, but i will be more protective. I will not let her go anywhere where there is scum like that. I really wish i could tell her brother, he is extremely protective, and he'd take control of who she sees and so forth. Which she really needs.

 
Old 09-14-2007, 06:48 AM   #9
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Re: Girlfriend blaming herself for mishaps with sick guys, help...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lazer 77 View Post
I really wish i could tell her brother, he is extremely protective, and he'd take control of who she sees and so forth. Which she really needs.
No, what she really needs is to take control for herself. She can't always depend on someone else (whether it be her brother, you, or whoever) to take care of her. She may be reluctant or resistant, but keep encouraging her to do something she enjoys. What is she studying in school? Perhaps there is someplace she can volunteer that will go along with what she is majoring in. That could help boost her confidence and would look good on her resume.

 
Old 09-14-2007, 07:05 AM   #10
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Re: Girlfriend blaming herself for mishaps with sick guys, help...

Shes just working on general education for now, she isnt sure.

 
Old 09-14-2007, 07:05 AM   #11
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Re: Girlfriend blaming herself for mishaps with sick guys, help...

This girl is setting herself up for trouble on a regular basis and she needs to figure out why. The girl needs counseling. You can't help her she has to choose to help herself. She wants to be seen a a victim-maybe for attention? I've known girls like this. Might want to look up borderline personality disorder.

 
Old 09-14-2007, 07:28 AM   #12
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Re: Girlfriend blaming herself for mishaps with sick guys, help...

well...there is another possibility. It seems like you recently made a point to her that you wanted to spend some time on your own, with your family and stuff, and encouraged her to do the same. Could it be that she is just trying to make a point here that that's not the best thing for her, that it woud be better if she was with you 24/7? I'm not saying she's lying here, but I'm saying that she's making it seem like she's helpless and unable to keep herself safe as a way of making you feel guilty about not being with her, and hopefully, making you not want her to be on her own. By doing this, she's getting you to spend every waking moment with her without asking you to.

Either way, you know she's messed up and needs some help. You have every excuse in the world for both of you as far as why you can't get any, but a victim of sexual abuse doesn't need medical coverage to talk to a counselor, that's the bottom line. And, honestly, maybe, as the s.o. of a rape victim, maybe you could talk to someone there, just to express your concern for your gf. and ask their advice on how to help her.

 
Old 09-14-2007, 07:36 AM   #13
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Re: Girlfriend blaming herself for mishaps with sick guys, help...

Quote:
Originally Posted by redsoxgirl2418 View Post
Could it be that she is just trying to make a point here that that's not the best thing for her, that it woud be better if she was with you 24/7? I'm not saying she's lying here, but I'm saying that she's making it seem like she's helpless and unable to keep herself safe as a way of making you feel guilty about not being with her, and hopefully, making you not want her to be on her own. By doing this, she's getting you to spend every waking moment with her without asking you to.
Very good point! This is definately something you need to consider Lazer.

 
Old 09-14-2007, 09:22 AM   #14
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Re: Girlfriend blaming herself for mishaps with sick guys, help...

Well for one, i know shes not doing it for attention. She always hesitates to tell me, and tells me, and ONLY me, she doesnt go off telling everyone or even her best friends, only i know. She wont tell her mom because she'd contact authorities and that might bring harm to her family, she wont tell her brother because shes scared of him getting hurt (and the career thing), and so forth. She doesnt want to tell anyone because for one, somebody might get hurt over it (which is ridiculous), two, she feels that there is something wrong with her because its happened so many times, and three, she feels that the only way things will fix is if she totally avoids going out at all anymore or just moving away to a new area (which would work, we have sick people here).

So basically, what happened happened. She is just convinced that she is a horrible person because its happened before. I keep calmly telling her that she is a great person, but its just she didnt make the wisest decisions, if you bring yourself near bad people, bad things can and probably will happen. And she has to be careful about her privacy because we had a ridiculous amount of perverts in the area. And i keep telling her yeah, the past sucks, but she needs to pull a lesson out of it to prevent it from happening ever again.

And actually, shes been doing a great job at just letting me live my life. She said she is unhappy with the change, but she understands completely. Now i see her a few hours a day, and then i have time for my own hobbies, my friends, and most of all my family and schoolwork. Shes done a great job at that, maybe not perfect quite yet, but i am freely able to do whatever i please now.

 
Old 09-14-2007, 07:06 PM   #15
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Re: Girlfriend blaming herself for mishaps with sick guys, help...

Okay, we had another talk. She kept saying things such as "Do i just have a sign on my head that says 'try to sleep with me, even if i say no'", and stuff like that. She said that there have been occasions where a guy nagged her into sleeping with him, and she would just give in because she was scared of worse things happening. Im heartbroken over this, but i want to help.

But i talked to her about the rape counseling thing. She said she'll think about it. My question though, is how do i find one of these, and is it one on one or is it like a large group meeting? Because if its a group, she wouldnt do it, she needs one on one. And again the problem is we cannot afford it.

 
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