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Old 09-15-2007, 09:17 PM   #1
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I think my husband has anger issues how do I get him to realize this?

Hi,
Not sure what to say but that seems like my husband is frequently P*ssed off at me. LIke he really hates me. We have two small children and want to preserve the marriage but he says that I don't value and respect him. My only problem is that I think he has problems with his anger. He seems to be discontent with a lot- I'm overweight now (160 lb), I don't clean enough (according to him), I spend too much money (only on groceries b/c I discuss any other purchases to try and avoid a fight, I also work from home with a baby and my son who just started school).
I was stunned today I didn't even know that I p*ssed him off. He walked away from me and was not answering me and then said get out of the kitchen before the police have to haved to be called. I was shocked- you mean your so angry you feel like you could hit me. He didn't respond. I left the kitchen to try and get him to cool off but I set him off again by saying. Oh my God Greg, Nicholas has a fever didn't you check him? (He had Nicholas while I slept with the baby). Nicholas has been sick for days. I definitely had an annoyed tone because my husband knew he was sick. After that forget about it- he was angry becuase he made a great meal and didn't appreciate it (for which I apologised and said what a wonderful meal it was). I tried to talk things out and apease him but forget it. He looks at me with such haterd. The rest of the night he just stewed.
He ebbs and flows. About a month ago in a fight he said you are my 9/11. I hate you so much , I should lock you out of the house. You make me so miserable. There is no one worse on the planet then you. I looked at him stunned and said well I'm sorry and I do love you. He apologised afterwards but he keeps doing it. He calls me all sort of names and when I later point out after an arguement that name calling is acceptable he says I deserve and I drive him too it. Dumbass, loser, pathetic, moran, retarded, disgusting, etc. He even has shown his anger towards me in front of our son. I finally told him you know I could call you names but I choose not and you need to stop or I'll be calling you divorced dad. He agreed but it now back to it.
He seems to get set off so easily. Sometimes when I try to call him down it seems to anger him more like I'm talking down to him. Last summer- in the car he was furious me and I said Greg, what can I do to make you happy. He said "Shut the ****** up" So I stayed quiet but cried at his parents house in from of all the company. I blamed it on lack of sleep.
I really don't want a divorce he has many wonderful qualities and is a hard worker who helps out around the house. My children really love him and he is a very involved father. Plus I would never, ever, ever want to leave my children weekends with a man who can't control his temper. I feel like I never known when I'm going to set off a land mine and trying to defuse him is hard. Sex works sometimes. He wants to go to counsiling b/c he is so upset with me and wants our marriage to improve. I for the most part am pretty darn happy but just wish my husband would calm down and relax. I'm afraid to leave my baby with anyone because he has some health issues but we definitely can't bring him to a counselor.
How do I get my husband to realize he is flying off the handle. What techniques can I use to defuse him? Could it be possible that I am unappreciative and don't notice how hard he works at home? Maybe I have to make more positive comments. SOmetimes I get a sick pit in my stomach when he is angry- it's not a good feeling.
Heidi
PS If I had to get a divorce would I be able to get full custody with out visitation rights? Is it really hard. Just afraid some day he's going to really lose it and smack me or something- then it will definitely be over for us.

 
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Old 09-16-2007, 12:30 AM   #2
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Re: I think my husband has anger issues how do I get him to realize this?

Darling , you need to get a plan together and get out. You are living in an abusive home. You are trying so hard and that will be wonderful when you are with a man that deserves that effort. You remind me of me a few years ago when I would go over and over my husbands angry outburst to think how i could have responded better to have calmed him down... listen close
its not you its him.... Document his behavior in writing, if you don't want
to keep it at the house email it to a friend that will save each. That will help you if you have a custody battle.
I'll pray for you

 
Old 09-16-2007, 04:35 AM   #3
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Re: I think my husband has anger issues how do I get him to realize this?

I can't leave unless I am absolutely certain that he would not have shared custody. I could never allow my kids to be away weekends with him and his family. I absolutely will not take that chance. Any lawyers out there? Free advice? Also, I can't put my younger son in daycare. Some health issues.
I have hope since he wants to go to counseling (becuase of all my problems he says) that he will get a serious reality check. I don't know. He has made it known he will fight for full custody if we ever divorced.
I am thrilled that someone responded- THANK YOU!

 
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Old 09-16-2007, 04:40 AM   #4
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Re: I think my husband has anger issues how do I get him to realize this?

Thanks, I am going to document his angry outbursts in writing. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I remember my father's horrible moods and my mother seemed to almost delibrately set him off sometimes. (She was an abused child) Then one day my dad really lost it... divorced after that. That is my nagging fear.

 
Old 09-16-2007, 07:58 AM   #5
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Re: I think my husband has anger issues how do I get him to realize this?

Quote:
heidijg;3210571] He wants to go to counsiling b/c he is so upset with me and wants our marriage to improve. I for the most part am pretty darn happy but just wish my husband would calm down and relax. I'm afraid to leave my baby with anyone because he has some health issues but we definitely can't bring him to a counselor.
Really unusual. The man wants to go to counseling. He states it is because he is upset with you but it makes no difference. HE is willing to go and you find a reason to not go. I understand your child has problems but very few are ever so restricive that you must be with them 100% of the time. It sounds like you have a few issues as well. Counseling is important for both of you, no matter where you end up.
Quote:
How do I get my husband to realize he is flying off the handle.
He apparently does. He seems to have the reasons for it misplaced but he does realize there is a problem.
Quote:
What techniques can I use to defuse him?
counseling would be a good start

Quote:
Could it be possible that I am unappreciative and don't notice how hard he works at home?
that is something you have to figure out. From here it is impossible to tell.


Quote:
PS If I had to get a divorce would I be able to get full custody with out visitation rights?
Really really doubtful. You would have to prove that he is a threat. If there has been no contact to either you or the children, it ain't gonna happen.

Quote:
. Just afraid some day he's going to really lose it and smack me or something- then it will definitely be over for us.
Well, then you need to find a way to allow yourself to go to counseling and yes, it is a bad idea to take a child with you. It takes away any possible focal point other than the child.
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Old 09-16-2007, 10:30 AM   #6
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Re: I think my husband has anger issues how do I get him to realize this?

Hi SallyAnn and Gooby,
Thank you both for your comments. I appreciate them very much. Yes, I cling to my children- esp. my youngest. I think part of the problem is that we are doing it alone with the kids. My husbands family has very little interest in helping out and the only one I can ask is my mother. THe problem is that she lies frequently and does what she wants. I have had enough bad experiences to know I really shouldn't ever leave the kids with her. Especially after repeatedly telling her not to carry things and hold my older son at the same time she fell with him. Wouldn't you know she did it again a short time later. The other issue is that my son is severely attached to me and cries hysterically if I am gone. I'm talking non-stop. In a couple months when he's less clingy and hopefully OT and PT have improved some issues. I will not worry to leave him with a stranger. (We really don't have many options)
Yes, I was eager to go to counseling when we only had one child- he refused at the time. Now, I've agreed tentatively but am trying to delay it till my younger son is in a better situation health wise.
Now, today my husband's an absolute angel. Makes me think maybe I blew this out of proportion. I keep thinking it's stressfull now with the young kids but give it a year or two and things will be much better. But then I think- did I choose my moody "dad". I don't know. Thank you everyone for you input. It is nice to get an outsiders perpective. All the best to everyone!

 
Old 09-17-2007, 08:58 AM   #7
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Re: I think my husband has anger issues how do I get him to realize this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by heidijg View Post
he says that I don't value and respect him.

he was angry becuase he made a great meal and didn't appreciate it

I really don't want a divorce he has many wonderful qualities and is a hard worker who helps out around the house. My children really love him and he is a very involved father.

He wants to go to counsiling b/c he is so upset with me and wants our marriage to improve.
Hi Heidi, your husband does have a lot of good qualities. (Calling you names isn't good though and he does have to learn how to deal better with his anger).

I agree with Gooby, he says that he wants to go to therapy and work on the marriage and you are putting up excuses. What are you afraid of?

Can you ask your husband to post here himself?

I find it interesting that you have a husband similar to your father.

To me it sounds like he is getting so angry because he is not speaking up for his needs.

Last edited by Sannah; 09-17-2007 at 09:00 AM.

 
Old 09-17-2007, 09:01 AM   #8
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Re: I think my husband has anger issues how do I get him to realize this?

your husband is abusive. there is no way to make him realize he's wrong......you might die trying though.....
it's time to pack up and get yourself and your kids away from this monster.
get a lawyer and get out......while you still can.

 
Old 09-17-2007, 08:25 PM   #9
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Re: I think my husband has anger issues how do I get him to realize this?

No you have not blown this out of proportion. If you don't have family to turn to then you need to find the womens shelter for battered women. Verbal abuse is no different than physical abuse. You have no idea why your husband blows up...he sounds like he might be an alcoholic or on drugs or just a jerk who cares there is no excuse or no reason for such behavior and a husband that treats his wife with such disrespect does not deserve to have a family. No one can say if your husband can get visitation or not...only the courts can say that but meanwhile contact your local womens shelter for advise and how and when to leave...with the children. They can assist you in getting the proper legal aid. Don't make excuses for him, don't 'make nice' with him! When he is out of the house just pick up the phone and get out. Being nice once in awhile is not good enough for children...they need daddy to be nice ALLLLL the time and you need to see that yourself and them are kept safe.

 
Old 09-18-2007, 03:27 PM   #10
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Re: I think my husband has anger issues how do I get him to realize this?

If you left him and took the children have you considered what he actually might do? could do possibly to himself?
Is it that he wants to be this kind husband and wonderful dad but even with counselling this can not work for him?
Have you considered that maybe he needs medical help and may need to take something daily to calm him?
A suggestion would be to get a program on "CD for to calm and relax.They are valuable and I love these.
Suggest to him that maybe he could try a nondrug product from a store .

Last edited by moderator2; 09-18-2007 at 05:18 PM. Reason: do not ask members to explain the posting rules - you are personally responsible to read, know and follow the posting policy

 
Old 09-18-2007, 03:33 PM   #11
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Re: I think my husband has anger issues how do I get him to realize this?

SHE IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT HE DOES TO HIMSELF! so many people are manipulated by someone who threatens suicide. I think this is past the point of buying him a cd to relax.....this man is abusive and you are suggesting that she just try to pacify him. Like I said, she may die trying....her best bet is to leave with her life while she still has it.

Last edited by moderator2; 09-18-2007 at 05:18 PM. Reason: please do not quote posting rules violations

 
Old 09-19-2007, 06:41 AM   #12
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Re: I think my husband has anger issues how do I get him to realize this?

Can't wait to hear from Heidi again. Interesting how many different views that we all can have of her husband. I think that there are 3 posts here that react strongly and say that he is very abusive, etc. Out of curiosity I was wondering if those who said this have suffered from abuse themselves and are reading their own situation into Heidi's? (Their own past fears affect their understanding of other male/female relationships?)

 
Old 09-19-2007, 07:28 AM   #13
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Re: I think my husband has anger issues how do I get him to realize this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sannah View Post
Can't wait to hear from Heidi again. Interesting how many different views that we all can have of her husband. I think that there are 3 posts here that react strongly and say that he is very abusive, etc. Out of curiosity I was wondering if those who said this have suffered from abuse themselves and are reading their own situation into Heidi's? (Their own past fears affect their understanding of other male/female relationships?)
Sannah I'm not reading my own situation into this, I'm reading the WORDS that the poster wrote......I have a good understanding of relationships, this has nothing to do with past fears. Are you saying you don't think the man is abusive?


Last edited by rosequartz; 09-19-2007 at 07:35 AM.

 
Old 09-19-2007, 07:43 AM   #14
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Re: I think my husband has anger issues how do I get him to realize this?

Hi Rosequartz, what I "see" is a man who gets very angry and doesn't handle it well. He doesn't handle it well because he calls his wife names and doesn't know how to deal with his anger. I "see" a man who could learn how to handle his anger better and then be a pretty good guy. I'll bet anything that he is angry because he doesn't know how to meet his needs. This seems to be a big anger trigger. I just see responses sometimes where woman will just want to "throw the man out" where I can actually see a person who is salvagable. A totally abusive man, however, needs to be gotten away from, however. Thanks for wanting to discuss this....

 
Old 09-19-2007, 07:49 AM   #15
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Re: I think my husband has anger issues how do I get him to realize this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sannah View Post
Hi Rosequartz, what I "see" is a man who gets very angry and doesn't handle it well. He doesn't handle it well because he calls his wife names and doesn't know how to deal with his anger. I "see" a man who could learn how to handle his anger better and then be a pretty good guy. I'll bet anything that he is angry because he doesn't know how to meet his needs. This seems to be a big anger trigger. I just see responses sometimes where woman will just want to "throw the man out" where I can actually see a person who is salvagable. A totally abusive man, however, needs to be gotten away from, however. Thanks for wanting to discuss this....
Sannah it's nice that you're giving him the benefit of the doubt and think he is salvagable, but I see women doing this all the time and they end up more abused. How many posts do you see here from women telling us about an abusive man, but they love him and want to work it out? How many women do you see posts from who are walking on eggshells not to make someone mad......that's no way to live. No one should be abusive....whatever their reason/excuse. The bottom line is, when he gives her a black eye or knocks a few teeth out, does it really matter if it was only because he doesn't know how to meet his needs? Should we be feeling sorry for him like he's the victim here? She needs to protect herself and stop worrying about him and why he's like that.....it doesn't really matter why he's like that......what matters is he could harm her

 
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