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Old 09-16-2007, 01:04 PM   #1
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Unhappy Friends with my ex... gf doesn't like

Hi,

After months of not speaking to my ex-girlfriend, the other day I saw her at a party. We talked things over and we are now good friends again.

However, my current girlfriend does not like the idea that I am friends with my ex-girlfriend and can't see how anybody can be friends with an ex...

I still want to be with my girlfriend but at the same time don't want to lose/stop being friends with my ex. I think it's perfectly ok what I am doing, am I in the right? Or should I stop being friends just to keep my girlfriend happy?

Thanks for your time and help,

Joe.

 
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Old 09-16-2007, 01:17 PM   #2
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Re: Friends with my ex... gf doesn't like

This isn't about who's right and who's wrong. Your girlfriend doesn't like someone you were once inside hanging around you (and just for the record, I wouldn't like it at all either. Once two people have had sex, it's very very easy for them to have sex again, one night, too much to drink, or your gf's away, you're both feeling sentimental and horny, etc. I don't consider it a matter of trust, the potential and temptation is just too great.)

But anyway, your girlfriend doesn't want it. You need to talk to her and find out just how much of a deal breaker is it. If she will leave you for it, or be angry and pissy and make your life a living nightmare until you get rid of the ex, then you have to make a choice, is having the ex in your life and not letting anyone tell you how to live more important, or is keeping your girlfriend happy? I personally think it depends on how much you love your girlfriend. If hanging onto some ex lover is more important to you than keeping your current lover happy, then you must not love your current lover that much, and it's probably best that she know that about you now. My ex boyfriend hur tme very deeply and broke my heart, and just one "I'm sorry" from him I think would go a long way to healing me. I'm not interested in being his friend, or messing up what he has with his wife now, or anything. I just want to know that he didn't mean to hurt me and feels badly that I was caused so much pain by his lies, just one "I'm sorry." But to him, it doesn't matter. I'm in his past, and his wife would get mad if we were ever even in the same room together, even for a little bit, or if he were ever to speak to me at all again. So he doesn't. And I will never know if it's because solely because she'd be mad, or if it's also because he just never gave a dam*. When you really love a woman, that's what you do, no matter who needs you to do otherwise, and no matter what for, if it will **** her off, you just don't do it. Knowing I once had someone who is capable of that kind of devotion but lost him and now gives that devotion to someone else, I know now I personally would never EVER settle for anything less. I think I deserve at least as much as his wife deserves. If a new boyfriend of mine wanted an ex lover back in his life and I said no, I'm not comfortable with that he let her in his life anyway, took her calls, met her for lunch, emailed her, etc. I'd be so gone so fast all you'd see would be a trail of dust.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 09-16-2007 at 01:24 PM.

 
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Old 09-16-2007, 01:24 PM   #3
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Re: Friends with my ex... gf doesn't like

Dude, stop talking to your ex...plain and simple. Dont' let the past mess up your chances for the future. That goes for both of you though and if she has an ex as a friend, make her stop talking to him.

Case closed.

 
Old 09-16-2007, 01:28 PM   #4
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Smile Re: Friends with my ex... gf doesn't like

Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
This isn't about who's right and who's wrong. Your girlfriend doesn't like someone you were once inside hanging around you (and just for the record, I wouldn't like it at all either. Once two people have had sex, it's very very easy for them to have sex again, one night, too much to drink, or your gf's away, you're both feeling sentimental and horny, etc. I don't consider it a matter of trust, the potential and temptation is just too great.)

But anyway, your girlfriend doesn't want it. You need to talk to her and find out just how much of a deal breaker is it. If she will leave you for it, or be angry and pissy and make your life a living nightmare until you get rid of the ex, then you have to make a choice, is having the ex in your life and not letting anyone tell you how to live more important, or is keeping your girlfriend happy? I personally think it depends on how much you love your girlfriend. If hanging onto some ex lover is more important to you than keeping your current lover happy, then you must not love your current lover that much, and it's probably best that she know that about you now.
Thanks for your quick response.

This really helps a lot. It's true, I do care too much about my girlfriend to let being a friend with my ex get in the way of things. I'm sure my ex will understand if I explain things to her.

Many thanks again

 
Old 09-16-2007, 01:29 PM   #5
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Re: Friends with my ex... gf doesn't like

Quote:
Originally Posted by ChronicallyFatigued View Post
Dude, stop talking to your ex...plain and simple. Dont' let the past mess up your chances for the future. That goes for both of you though and if she has an ex as a friend, make her stop talking to him.

Case closed.
Well, any exes of hers that were NOT in her life when you first got together but now are back and wanting a relationship with her, just like your situation. Let's be fair. It'd be different if you and the ex were always friends. Your new girl takes you as she finds you. But she didn't bargain for this. And you don't want to start making unreasonable demands on her just to be spiteful. In the end, your current girl is either worth it or she isn't.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 09-16-2007 at 01:35 PM.

 
Old 09-16-2007, 01:37 PM   #6
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Re: Friends with my ex... gf doesn't like

Quote:
Originally Posted by yellowtree View Post
Thanks for your quick response.

This really helps a lot. It's true, I do care too much about my girlfriend to let being a friend with my ex get in the way of things. I'm sure my ex will understand if I explain things to her.

Many thanks again
Good man! Of course, you can be on friendly terms with the ex, and should you run into each other somewhere, you can say hi, catch up for a few minutes, you don't have to pretend you never knew her. But the relationship with the one you love is and should be paramount. Kudos!

 
Old 09-16-2007, 01:40 PM   #7
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Re: Friends with my ex... gf doesn't like

Why do you want to be friends with your ex? Why does she want to be friends with you? Is it strictly she is just a fun person to hang out with or is this someone you wouldn't mind sleeping with again if your current relationship doesn't work out?

Where you weren't friends with your ex before you and your current girlfriend got together I can see why she would find it weird and have a problem with it. The only way it would work and it wouldn't be an issue is if your current girlfriend and your ex were able to be friends as well. Is that something that is possible? If it is not possible and you really want to be with your girlfriend then you should let the friendship go.

I would like to add here that it is possible to be friends with an ex. The main thing is making sure that your current girlfriend is not kept separate from this friendship. One of my husband's closest female friends is an ex of his. He introduced me to her pretty soon after we started dating and I have been friends with her ever since. Sure, they have a much bigger history then he or I do, but it's always funny to hear some of the stories she comes out with. The four of us (me, my husband, her, and her husband) are all very close friends. So really, it all depends on the people and the intenrions involved.

 
Old 09-16-2007, 02:04 PM   #8
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Re: Friends with my ex... gf doesn't like

So you want your cake and eat it too? Sorry it doesn't work like that! Exes are Exes for a reason...they should stay that way!
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Last edited by BeaTrade; 09-16-2007 at 02:05 PM.

 
Old 09-16-2007, 02:06 PM   #9
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Re: Friends with my ex... gf doesn't like

I don't think your girlfriend has any right to be upset about who you are friends with. I am friends with my ex-boyfriend, we hang out on the weekends usually and there are absolutely no sexual or romantic feelings on my part. I think it is just a sign of a deep insecurity on your girlfriend's part, which you should address. Tell her you are hurt that she doesn't have any faith in your love for her, and would feel threatened in such a way.

 
Old 09-16-2007, 02:11 PM   #10
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Re: Friends with my ex... gf doesn't like

Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
Well, any exes of hers that were NOT in her life when you first got together but now are back and wanting a relationship with her, just like your situation. Let's be fair. It'd be different if you and the ex were always friends. Your new girl takes you as she finds you. But she didn't bargain for this. And you don't want to start making unreasonable demands on her just to be spiteful. In the end, your current girl is either worth it or she isn't.
I can't say I agree with that. I believe that remaining friends with any ex can cause major problems. If you happen to date someone who doesn't mind it, that's one thing, but if they do, the ex has to go no matter how long they have been around. If not, you do so at the risk of destroying your chances.

I live by the motto that exes are exes for a reason...leave them in the past where they belong.

 
Old 09-16-2007, 02:50 PM   #11
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Re: Friends with my ex... gf doesn't like

Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyArcher View Post
I don't think your girlfriend has any right to be upset about who you are friends with. I am friends with my ex-boyfriend, we hang out on the weekends usually and there are absolutely no sexual or romantic feelings on my part. I think it is just a sign of a deep insecurity on your girlfriend's part, which you should address. Tell her you are hurt that she doesn't have any faith in your love for her, and would feel threatened in such a way.

I think this is a completely different situation because he was dating New Girl first, and THEN started being friends with the ex AFTERwards. It would be a lot different if they were friends all along, because longterm friendships shouldn't be thrown away just over a dating partner. But if it's an ex that was not in the picture when he and New Girl got together, and now all the sudden wants to be friends, THEN, that would be an issue. There's a huge difference, and I would hope that most people would understand the difference.

 
Old 09-18-2007, 12:36 AM   #12
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Re: Friends with my ex... gf doesn't like

does your ex have any feelings for you still or does she just want a friendship. sometimes when we havent seen someone for a while, feelings can come back. but if u do decide to be friends with the ex, make sure u involve your gf too. all the best!!

Last edited by shorti; 09-18-2007 at 11:15 PM.

 
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