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Old 09-19-2007, 12:06 PM   #1
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husband stays out...am i being unreasonable?!

My husband recently switched jobs and now works at a bar where he has made friends (we BOTH have made friends, I should clarify) that work there. When he gets off work he comes straight home because I have a fit and cry if he doesn't. I feel left out, and not to mention it gets lonely being all alone in the house late late at night. He wants to feel like he has the freedom to stay after and hang out with friends at work, and I feel the same way, however, whenever he does just that I get very very emotional. I cry, call him 3 or 4 times, and give him hell when he comes home. I turn into a completely different person! It's like in my head i know i can trust him and have no problem, but i can't keep from crying. I know i've posted about this before...but i just would like some comfort. am i being unreasonable? and if so...how in the world do i deal with these feelings?! My husband and I have a great relationship, I just don't know why this is so difficult for me. Anyone out there who can relate or has any advice??

Thanks!

 
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Old 09-19-2007, 12:07 PM   #2
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Re: husband stays out...am i being unreasonable?!

Quote:
Originally Posted by maryjane1984 View Post
When he gets off work he comes straight home because I have a fit and cry if he doesn't.
why not continue doing this?
it seems to be working, right?

 
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Old 09-19-2007, 12:21 PM   #3
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Re: husband stays out...am i being unreasonable?!

Well i work early mornings so i try very hard to stay up most nights. he doesnt get off work until 1am. I have to wake up at 7, so by the time he gets home and i know he's there, i end up falling asleep after about half an hour. he's still up because he sleeps pretty late to be able to work so late.

I just don't know how to get my head to convince my heart to stop freaking out. I think i just got so used to him being around, and us doing everything social together, so the thought of him having fun without me makes me upset. selfish, i know...but it's how i'm feeling.

 
Old 09-19-2007, 12:31 PM   #4
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Re: husband stays out...am i being unreasonable?!

Well, my husband will work until 9pm most nights. By the time he gets home and unwinds and is ready for bed it can be close to midnight at times. I'm up with the kids by 6am so there is no way in the world I can even attempt to stay up that late. It's just the way it is.

Your husband isn't done with work until 1am. When he does come home you are in bed sleeping, right? All he is doing is unwinding. He's not up to no good, he is hanging out with friends. No, it is not a conventional time, but that is the nature of the job he works. If he got out of work at 5pm and went out with the guys for an hour or two would it be a big deal? I'm guessing probably not.

If you really do trust him then you shouldn't make such a big deal on the nights you need to get your sleep for work. The nights you don't you could always go by the bar and visiti him and stay and hang out and see that there is nothing to be jealous of.

Last edited by happymom28; 09-19-2007 at 12:31 PM.

 
Old 09-19-2007, 12:38 PM   #5
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Re: husband stays out...am i being unreasonable?!

yeah, that really puts it into perspective...no i wouldn't care if he did that and it was 6 instead of 1. Thank you for putting it in that light! I have tried getting back to sleep after waking up and finding him not there, but i go into this uncontrollable crying fit. even while it's going on i think i'm being so silly and unreasonable. i don't know if it's something i've just got to get used to and deal with or what.! i guess i just want someone to tell me i'm being unreasonable. thank you so much for your replies!

 
Old 09-19-2007, 12:52 PM   #6
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Re: husband stays out...am i being unreasonable?!

aw hun, you need to calm down! next time you feel like crying, stay strong and dont cry. talk yourself through it- i wont cry, he will be back soon. why dont you keep busy if you cant sleep? like read a book or watch a dvd until he gets back? time flies when youre reading a gripping book or a good film or documentary. you dont need to punish yourself like this!

 
Old 09-19-2007, 01:38 PM   #7
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Re: husband stays out...am i being unreasonable?!

This is a newer schedule for him, right? I think like anything else, it is just going to take some getting use to. My husband and I always make comments to eachother about how hard it is to fall asleep when the other one isn't there, but it does eventually happen. As long as you fully trust him and he is where he says he is then you have nothing to worry about.

A dog may still do the trick!

 
Old 09-19-2007, 02:16 PM   #8
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Re: husband stays out...am i being unreasonable?!

How long have you guys been married, just out of curiosity? Do you feel this time any time he's gone for a long period - or just at night? I'm just wondering... this almost sounds like a bit of seperation anxiety, honestly! Just the extreme with which you react, sounds very very emotional to have to experience over a long period of time, you poor thing. Honestly it really does sound like at least a little bit of seperation anxiety, it may not hurt to talk to someone about it... see why you respond SO strongly to his absense so often?

 
Old 09-20-2007, 08:13 AM   #9
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Re: husband stays out...am i being unreasonable?!

MaryJane, I know how you feel and I have the same feeling sometimes. My bf is in a band, and he is also a nightowl. Always has been, way before we started dating when we were friends he was staying out all the time until 4 am or so.

Now we have been together 2.5 years, and we are living together. He has Fridays off so he likes to go out Thursday nights and I get up at 6:45 am all week and choose not to go. Some nights I reason with myself and just tell myself i need to sleep, he isnt doing anything wrong and he has every right to go out...I dont own him. Then there are other nights where I wake up at like 2 and my heart starts racing and I get really worked up and upset. It's hard. You want to be part of it...and just know what is going on. (Not that you think he is doing anything bad) but there is a jealousy/insecurity and I tend to play the big dumb WHAT IF game which is damaging!!!!

I think you need to try and let him do what he wants and realize...he is your husband...he loves you...and you need to get some sleep.

Eventually i think it will get better. I have definately improved on this stuff! It just takes time. (not saying i am always 100%).

Good luck!

 
Old 09-20-2007, 08:24 AM   #10
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Re: husband stays out...am i being unreasonable?!

I would be completely honest with your hubby (sounds like you have a great relationship) and tell him how you feel. Tell him how it upsets you that he is out having fun without you, how much you love him and perhaps you can set aside some time for you to meet him after work (maybe on a Friday night) and have fun WITH he and his friends. I think that if he loves you he will understand how you feel. I'm curious, have you been hurt in the past or has somebody cheated on you before your marriage? Sounds like perhaps you have some self esteem issues and you wonder if your hubby is going to be faithful or perhaps find somebody else while he's out. From what you have said, sounds like he loves you very much and you are both very committed to each other. I'd just be very honest and hopefully he will understand. Good luck!!

 
Old 09-20-2007, 10:22 AM   #11
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Re: husband stays out...am i being unreasonable?!

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. I understand feeling left out, b/c I have a similar situation with boyfriend.. but its really not fair to him for you to guilt him into coming home, especially when you're just going to bed anyway.

I imagine that you're a bit like me; where you trust him.. but maybe you're imagination gets the better of you? or even just the idea of him having a good time without you hurts a little? Even if you know you're being irrational, you can't help how you feel.

The best thing you can do is a conversation with him, explaning exactly how you feel and why. From there you can discuss ways to fix this problem. Can you admit that you're being unfair, or unreasonable? Would it help if he called you after his shift, and came in to give you a kiss while you're sleeping once he gets in? This is really your issue here. He's not really doing anything wrong. So I really think that you need to be the one to make some compromises. Even just start by not calling in while he's out. You trust him right? You really mean that? Then there is no need to be checking up on him.

If you can accept that this is really your own problem, then I think you'll be able to over come it. Talk with him and give the no phone calls thing a try.

 
Old 09-20-2007, 02:17 PM   #12
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Talking Re: husband stays out...am i being unreasonable?!

Thank you so much everybody for your replies! Here's an update:

I DID IT!!!

Last night, I did my own thing and feel asleep around midnight. He got in around 2:30 and I heard him unlocking the door. I woke up and he came in and I was fine! NO TEARS! It was amazing...he said the fact that I was not upset makes it easier for him and today he has called me a lot at work and he is showing me a lot more attention now that i've backed off. I think it just took me doing it once to really set a good precedent.

Thanks again, I know a big part of how I was successful with not getting all teary and whiney was because of all of you and your support and advice!

 
Old 09-20-2007, 03:39 PM   #13
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Re: husband stays out...am i being unreasonable?!

Good for you Maryjane1984! I'm glad you were able to see the situation for what it is and were able to calm down about. He sounds like a nice and trustworth guy. His hours may stink, but it could be a lot worse, right? You give a little and you get a little.

 
Old 09-21-2007, 08:14 AM   #14
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Re: husband stays out...am i being unreasonable?!

Glad to hear that you made it through the night! Now that you've done it once, you can do it always!!

 
Old 09-24-2007, 01:19 PM   #15
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Re: husband stays out...am i being unreasonable?!

Been there. BF works at a bar as the DJ and last November he started coming home really late (4am is about the normal time I hear him come in) but occassionally it was 5 then 5:30 then after 6am....

We were having some problems around this time but when I asked him, he said he went to the diner with some friends and staff from the bar. I wanted to believe him but it was very difficult.

Wasn't long after that and he started coming home really late from work (from his regular day job) and soon after we had the long talk about how he wasn't happy in the relationship and how he wanted a family (I have 2 almost grown kids and was reluctant to have another one). I finally conceded and we have a baby on the way in February. We have been together almost 12 years (not married).

I keep telling him how much I don't like him working in that club--girls are always calling and texting him and posting on his ******* page--he swears they're all happily married. He used to DJ 3 nights a week and now he's down to 2. Our relationship has definitely changed and he is more committed. If it wasn't for the good money the bar pays him, I think he would be out of it by now.

I would definitely tell you not to sit idle like I did and wait for everything to blow up. Talk to him if you're still having issues (I know how hard it is to hear the truth but you'll never find peace if you ignore all the signs).

 
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