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Old 09-21-2007, 03:10 PM   #1
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Unhappy Remembering something my b/f said 3 times.

I been with my b/f for 9 months and 21 days. In between our 9 months like about after 2 or 3 months of us being together, my b/f started telling me that if he didn't have me he'd be dating a white girl. Now, me and my b/f are both black. I know that he's never dated a black girl before, that I'm his first. I can tell, I just know. Anyway he said that to me about 3 times so far durring our relationship. Not in a row, but I counted and remember. I spoke to him about it and he said he has me so why would he do that? He tells me he wants me and he wants to marry me and have kids and stuff. But Sometimes I feel confused. I question it and ask myself well how much can he love me if he's saying if he didn't have me he'd be with a white girl? I know he likes white girls but am wondering what it is he thinks they have that his own colour doesn't. Could it be he thinks there prettier? I can understand if he had problems with a black girl before or others if he dated them, but I am strongly doubting he did. I'm pretty sure I'm his first. Anyway he knows how I feel about him saying it so I'm thinking of breaking up with him if he says it again. Do you guys think thats a good idea? Thing is though I really do love him and breaking up with him would be hard. He hasn't said it to me for a good while now though but I'm just posting about it now cause I remember him saying it. I'm also scared that if he meets a white girl, he'd break up with me to date her. I don't know, why do you guys think he said that to me? Could he really want me or not? He didn't all of a sudeen say this out of the blue. We were watching tv together and a white girl wa speaking spanish and he said spanish and I asked him if he like that language. He said course he does and that if he didn't have me he'd be dating a spanish girl. All the gitls he likes on tv are all white. Not one did I realize he thinks a black girl is pretty. Only whites. I'm not racist, I have white friends, it's just is he using me till a white girl comes along even though he himself is black? He shows me he loves me though, he buys me food when we go out he payes for my movie tickets, he's there for me when I need him. The love is there, but confusing sometimes. I'm not sure I'm what he wants.

Last edited by babydiva; 09-21-2007 at 03:19 PM.

 
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Old 09-21-2007, 04:01 PM   #2
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Re: Remembering something my b/f said 3 times.

Well I think that him saying that if he wasn't with you, he'd be with "whoever" is a wrong thing for a bf to say to his gf, period. It's very hurtful...it's like he's thinking ahead of when you break up who he'll be dating next...Ya know?! I think that race is beside the point.
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Old 09-21-2007, 10:23 PM   #3
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Re: Remembering something my b/f said 3 times.

I think the next time your boyfriend says "If I wasn't with you I'd be with a white/spanish girl" you should fire back with, "Well great, here's your opprotunity." And then walk out of whatever room/building you are currently in. See how he reacts to that.
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Old 09-22-2007, 12:23 AM   #4
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Re: Remembering something my b/f said 3 times.

I agree, I think race is really beside the point. The problem is that he feels the need to say out loud who he'd be with if his options were still open. It's hard to say from just what you've told us whether he's using you or whether really does care but is just an insensitive dunderhead. I think I'd tell him calmly and without emotion, that it bothers you when he says that out loud, that it sounds to you (don't be accusing, don't say things like "you make/ you do") just that it sounds to you like he's already looking ahead to his next relationship after you and it hurts and to please respect your feelings and refrain from saying that out loud. I mean, you don't need to hear who he'd be with if you weren't around. Sometimes men can be so dumb!!!

 
Old 09-22-2007, 03:30 AM   #5
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Re: Remembering something my b/f said 3 times.

Hi Babydiva; I'm white, which probably wont be surprising given that I'm Irish and most of us are, lol. I think that the race aspect here is of secondary importance, but I wouldn't agree that it doesn't factor in at all, because it obviously factors in for you and it did for me also at one point.

I remember a few years ago when my bf and I were together about as long as you're with your man now, he and I were sitting in a pub talking and the issue of past relationships came up. (A dangerous subject that is, especially with drink involved, lol!) He mentioned that he'd known a black girl some years previous (he's white also) and started talking about the 'almost' relationship they'd nearly had. Apparently there'd been a strong sense of attraction running both ways and that that was obvious, but the timing was wrong; she was seeing someone else and so was he.

She ended up marrying the guy she'd been seeing and my partner broke up with the girl he'd been going out with. He said that he "regretted" not having tried to see how things might have worked out with that girl! So there I am sitting beside my bf and he's telling me he still "regretted" not having pursued something with someone else!!! And the fact that she was black did make a difference Babydiva, because it put a particular sort of spin on the sense of jealousy I felt right then. I felt that he was pining for something I couldn't give him; I felt that the particular sort of physical attractiveness he'd found captivating in that girl was something I just couldn't possibly provide since I don't have dark brown skin and big brown eyes. I had a bit of an 'aaaaarrrrrrrrgghh' moment just then, lol! So yeah, I know where you're coming from; the shoe's on the other foot race-wise, but it's almost the exact same thing in reverse. Where the difference between your situation and mine comes in is in the fact that your man wasn't referring to any one particular girl; he was referring to white women generally, and to be honest Babydiva, I'd find that a good bit more worrying.

You asked:

Quote:
Originally Posted by babydiva View Post
Anyway he knows how I feel about him saying it so I'm thinking of breaking up with him if he says it again. Do you guys think thats a good idea?
I think that now he knows your position on the matter if he refers to a penchant for white women again in your presence that is being directly and deliberately disrespectful to you. He'd be disregarding your feelings, and for what? So that he could make an unnecessary point you've heard three times already? Whether it'd be worth breaking up over I don't know, that'd depend on so many other different aspects of your relationship I know nothing about; but it'd certainly be toe-in-the-seat-of-his-pants time!

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I don't know, why do you guys think he said that to me? Could he really want me or not? ....I'm not sure I'm what he wants.
That's an awful way to be made to feel hon; try to keep an eye on that because those sort of insecurities can spill over into other areas of your relationship and cause big-time damage, trust me, I know. Anyway, I'd be willing to bet he's very attracted to you. Men don't generally spend the best part of a year with a woman unless they want to; but he's certainly been insensitive to your feelings. Men aren't known for being the worlds most sensitive creatures though...

My bloke is one of a majority of men who holds very dear to him the fantasy of two women at one time and he's mentioned that in my company a few times. I tell him to live the dream - in his mind! It's just occurred to me; is there any way your man could be angeling for a threesome with a white girl? If he thinks anything like my bloke that might be what's driving these comments! If so it certainly wouldn't surprise me, this is a man we're talking about after all!!

 
Old 09-22-2007, 05:44 AM   #6
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Re: Remembering something my b/f said 3 times.

The fact that your boyfriend would talk about who he would be with if he weren't with you is just disrespectful. I mean, it's one thing to say "Oh, miss television actress is pretty" but it's completely different to say "I'd be dating a white chick if I weren't with you". Who says somethig like that? It sound like a case of his inner monologue coming out. Either that or he was stupid enough to think you wouldn't mind.

I think Laylah is right in the aspect that race plays in here. You are now comparing yourself to something you can't give him. That's a horrible insecurity to have. You're left to wonder what it is that you can't offer. I wouldn't like to be in that position.

If your boyfriend is stupid enough to say this again to you (now that he knows your feelings) I would tell him to go find one. How can you possibly be secure with a man who would be disrespectful and disregard your feelings like that?

 
Old 09-22-2007, 05:48 AM   #7
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Re: Remembering something my b/f said 3 times.

Hi!
I was surpised that you kept counting the times he said this to you! Could it be because you have subconscious inferiority complex about being black and felt that he had just pressed the wrong button?
Think about it.!
Personally , I think he was bragging! He was letting you know in a not very subtle way that he would have anyone he wants, because he is hot stuff.
I wouldn't worry and certainly I wouldn't leave him over something like this. Especially since you say: "He wants me and wants to marry me and have kids and stuff". I think this is the most important picture in the whole story and not his insensitive macho way of warning you that he is "hot" AND YOU BETTER WATCH OUT...
I think you know by now that you are who you are and your inner world is what counts and not the colour of your skin, which, by the way, I think is just beautiful and so timeless...

 
Old 09-22-2007, 06:05 AM   #8
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Re: Remembering something my b/f said 3 times.

Years ago, my bf of 5 years was hispanic. I often noticed him checking out other hispanic women when we were out together. I was his first white girlfriend. When we fought, he'd often say--"I need a hispanic girlfriend". I asked why (especially since he liked to be in control and most of the hispanic women I know do too!) and he said because they would understand him. I asked him what it was that I didn't understand. I understood that he expected me to clean his house and cook for him even though I didn't live there. I understood that me not being cathloic--although he never went to church--was a problem for him. I understood that not having kids--I'm unable--annoyed him; after 2 daughters, he wanted a boy. As if either of us could control the outcome of that should a pregnancy happen despite my health issues. Well, the day came when I did leave, and his next girlfriend was not only hispanic, but she had their son within the year. Luckily for me, I'd moved on with someone much better--and the funny part? He was trying to contact me for YEARS!!!!! He said I was the best gf he'd ever had and that he'd ruined his life. They are no longer together and his son lives in another city now. I guess my point is...don't let your bf get you down. Rarely do men--who say such stupid things--know what they really want or need. Statements like these indicate that they are confused about their lives. Most of them live in fantasy worlds. If he continues to say these things, move on and find someone who appreciates all that you are. Wish him good luck in finding his "dream" girl---he'll need it.

Last edited by vintagegirl; 09-22-2007 at 06:14 AM.

 
Old 09-22-2007, 06:50 AM   #9
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Re: Remembering something my b/f said 3 times.

Your bf sounds like a chump. I don't think he respects you enough and I really believe that he's not the right guy for you. If my bf ever said anything like that to me, I'd seriously probably punch him in the face and then leave, and never come back. That's a really mean thing for him to say and I really can't advocate you staying with him if that's how he really feels.

You're a really good person, and you have a lot to offer any guy who dates you. And if he can't see that, and only sees the color of your skin, then he's a chump and you don't need him. Personally, I say you should ditch this guy and let him go off and find his white/hispanic girl if he wants. And then you can find a man who will love you and appreciate you, because of who you are as a person, period.

 
Old 09-22-2007, 07:23 AM   #10
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Re: Remembering something my b/f said 3 times.

Quote:
Originally Posted by thaliak View Post
Hi!
I was surpised that you kept counting the times he said this to you! Could it be because you have subconscious inferiority complex about being black and felt that he had just pressed the wrong button?
Think about it.!
Personally , I think he was bragging! He was letting you know in a not very subtle way that he would have anyone he wants, because he is hot stuff.
Hmmm, it doesn't surprise me she was counting the times; if a man was expressing a sexual interest in an aspect of physicality I didn't possess you can be damn sure I'd be counting the times too! In fact I think most women would, and I think that would apply to all aspects of physicality, including race, and I dont think that insecurity on a womans part would be necessarily indicative of any prior complex or issue on her part. I think it could be entirely fostered and created by the behaviours of her partner.

For example; suppose a woman had medium length legs and her man kept craning his neck every time he saw an especially long pair of female legs walking by and commenting on how attractive he found very long legs; sooner or later that woman is going to start comparing the length of her own legs with the leg length he is continually expressing a preference for and she's going to end up perceiving that hers must be lacking by his barometer of measurement, and that same woman may not have given her legs a second thought before he started his insensitive BS talk. I've seen this carry-on, this fostering of self-doubt, in my own relationship history and in the relationships of other women I know. Some men (and women, of course) can be incredibly insensitive and my point is that this sort of tactlessness and thoughtlessness within the remit of a relationship can actually create a sense of insecurity where it never existed before.

One of the most unfortunate aspects of insecurities is that they have a very long shelf-life and it is a very human trait to carry them from one relationship into the next; the upshot of that often is that the same insecurity that was created in one relationship can be carried over into the next, where it has no business and doesn't belong. For example, the OP might find herself in a future relationship with a man, black or white or whatever, whose sexual preference is for black girls; wont stop her wondering at the back of her mind if she's going to have the same BS to deal with.

I do agree though, that there may be a sense of 'you better consider yourself lucky to have me cause I've got my pick of what's out there' involved in his attitude here. I'm not saying that IS the case, just that, depending on this mans personality, these comments could indicate an egotistic mindset like that.

Babydiva; I've just had an idea - I think what you should do, in direct response to any further comments like this, is say to him; "If we weren't together I'd sure like to date a Hispanic man. Those men SUUUUUUUUURE ARE SEXY!!!" (don't say white, cause that'd be too obvious and he'd likely twig what you're up to) - In short, give the man a dose of his own medicine and see how he likes the taste of it!

 
Old 09-22-2007, 09:21 AM   #11
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Re: Remembering something my b/f said 3 times.

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Hmmm, it doesn't surprise me she was counting the times; if a man was expressing a sexual interest in an aspect of physicality I didn't possess you can be damn sure I'd be counting the times too! In fact I think most women would, and I think that would apply to all aspects of physicality, including race, and I dont think that insecurity on a womans part would be necessarily indicative of any prior complex or issue on her part. I think it could be entirely fostered and created by the behaviours of her partner.
Oh, I have to agree. I have never been insecure about my breast size. I'm a tall woman and I know my legs and behind are my best assetts. Well, my ex-husband always claimed he wasn't a breast man, but he was always staring at the women with the DD's. When he cheated on me those ladies were a lot more blessed in that department as I was. After that I couldn't help but be insecure about my breasts. How could I have not been? I'm over it now, but my ex fostered that insecurity, not me.

 
Old 09-22-2007, 09:31 AM   #12
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Re: Remembering something my b/f said 3 times.

I understand what you are saying and yes you're instincts are correct. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. What guy would say that at all? What I do think he is trying to say is yes he wants to marry you and have kids but he also wants his white on the side stuff. Run!

 
Old 09-22-2007, 09:57 AM   #13
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Re: Remembering something my b/f said 3 times.

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Originally Posted by GypsyArcher View Post
I think the next time your boyfriend says "If I wasn't with you I'd be with a white/spanish girl" you should fire back with, "Well great, here's your opprotunity." And then walk out of whatever room/building you are currently in. See how he reacts to that.
Hey! I thought about doing what you said so many times. Then I thought well once he told me he always thought of me as just a friend. So if he says it again, I could still break up with him but in a nice way. Asking him if he still wants to be friends. We always were friends. It's not like we just met and started dating, we knew each other for a while. But ya. It's just if he says it again I'm either going to break up with him the way you stated here, or in a nice way. Cause that'd be the fourth time he said it, even though not in a row. But then he introduces me to his friends and stuff like, if he doesn't love me enough as he says, atleast there's gotto be some love for me cause there wouldn't be any positiveness in our relationship. I'm wondering if he's just going crazy. If his head's not right. I'm sounding mean now but I don't mean to. I mean he says he wants to spend the rest of his life wih me, we talked about marriage and having kids. He said he wants to do that with me. I'm pretty sure he loves me. But why he says if he didn't have me, he'd be with a white girl, I don't know.

Last edited by babydiva; 09-23-2007 at 07:12 AM.

 
Old 09-25-2007, 03:53 AM   #14
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Re: Remembering something my b/f said 3 times.

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Originally Posted by vintagegirl View Post
Rarely do men--who say such stupid things--know what they really want or need. Statements like these indicate that they are confused about their lives. Most of them live in fantasy worlds. If he continues to say these things, move on and find someone who appreciates all that you are. Wish him good luck in finding his "dream" girl---he'll need it.

I agree strongly with this statement; he's doesn't sound very intelligent in a mature way to even bringing up issues of color of black or white, and if he was a true manly gentlemen, he would get what he wanted and pursue a white woman to begin with...

Even if he did, who knows, he may have been telling his white ex-girlfriends that he would be with a black girl instead! He sounds like he's tryin' to start DRAMA and see if you get all worked up... Damn race is still a very sensitive issue, who does this guy think he is?

Yes something like this is a really red flag to begin with and wouldn't be surprise if there are other things about him that you haven't address in this thread...

Keep your eyes open, people who say things like what your boyfriend does, usually have other BIG red flags that you might not be initially aware of...

Last edited by Nexis; 09-25-2007 at 03:55 AM.

 
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