Not sure if this is more suited for the parenting section but I feel it's more to do with my relationship.
I have been with my OH (other half) now for early 2 years. He has a 7 year old son from a previous relationship. I am 23 and he is 32.
I've always felt that going out with a parent could be problematic. I explained this to my OH at the time we met and he understood. He reassured me that as he does not live with his son, it should not affect our relationship. From his reassurance and the fact that I have never been with a father before, I took the plunge.
Now we are engaged.
To be honest, I've never really liked his son much and I do my utmost not to show it to his son. I have tried to be nice to the son and have shown and interest in the things he does but it does not come naturally to me. It just feels fake, a chore and ultimately, I am only being overly nice to the son for my OH. My OH knows how I feel, we communicate a lot and my OH appreciates my honesty.
I am deeply and desperately in love with my OH and could not bear to be without him.
I feel that the problem I face now is what will happen when we marry and buy a house together. His son will come round from time to time and stay over and ultimately, I don't not want to pay for his son.
I have felt in the past that his son was ''in the way'' and was a burden. I explained how I felt to OH and he understood it was hard for me just as I understand it is also hard for him.
So my real question is: Is it so wrong of me not to want an active role in his sons life? would it be fair to ask OH to contribute a little bit more as it is his son that stays over?
So my real question is: Is it so wrong of me not to want an active role in his sons life? would it be fair to ask OH to contribute a little bit more as it is his son that stays over?
Well, it is his son so he should be contribute to his life when he is in your home. That is only fair. I mean, the purpose of his son coming is to spend time with his dad.
As far as you not wanting an active role in his son's life, well, that is your choice really. I just think that over time this will become an issue for you and your fiance/husband.
His son is a part of his life. He was there before you and you knew that going into it. Yes, your fiance promised you that his son wouldn't get in the way of your relationship, but that really isn't a promise one could make. If it ever came down to a choice, most people would choose their child over the new person in the picture, and quite honestly, that is how it should be.
You say you love your fiance and you can't imagine being without him. But have you really thought things through? What if something happened and his son had to come to live with you full-time? You couldn't expect him to turn him away because of your dislike, could you?
I'm not saying you are wrong for not liking his child. That is your choice and you have every right to feel the way you feel. What you don't have is a right to come between their relationship. I fear that at some point there will be something that happens that will force him to choose and I really hope as a parent he would do the "right thing". It may just be that you two are just not compatible in this way.
Do you dislike all children or just him? Do you see yourself having children one day? These are other questions you should be asking yourself before walking down the aisle.
Well, it is his son so he should be contribute to his life when he is in your home. That is only fair. I mean, the purpose of his son coming is to spend time with his dad.
As far as you not wanting an active role in his son's life, well, that is your choice really. I just think that over time this will become an issue for you and your fiance/husband.
His son is a part of his life. He was there before you and you knew that going into it. Yes, your fiance promised you that his son wouldn't get in the way of your relationship, but that really isn't a promise one could make. If it ever came down to a choice, most people would choose their child over the new person in the picture, and quite honestly, that is how it should be.
You say you love your fiance and you can't imagine being without him. But have you really thought things through? What if something happened and his son had to come to live with you full-time? You couldn't expect him to turn him away because of your dislike, could you?
I'm not saying you are wrong for not liking his child. That is your choice and you have every right to feel the way you feel. What you don't have is a right to come between their relationship. I fear that at some point there will be something that happens that will force him to choose and I really hope as a parent he would do the "right thing". It may just be that you two are just not compatible in this way.
Do you dislike all children or just him? Do you see yourself having children one day? These are other questions you should be asking yourself before walking down the aisle.
Hiya, thanks for reply.
Being the youngest in my family, I've never been around children so am generally not too keen on them.
Yes I would love my own child one day and of course, as much as I'm not too keen on others' kids, I would love my own.
If I do have a child with my fiance, I would imagine my own child will be treated more specially by me (naturally) and to an extent my OH because obviously our child will live with us.
I will never put my OH in a situation where he would have to choose between us and I don't expect to be chosen in any case.
I have thought about what will happen if something happened to the sons mother, I asked my OH this and his reply was that his son is his responsibility but at the same time he would have to put me into consideration too although not necessarily first.
I feel that I have thought it through and have recognised that I do not like the child but that is not by choice, I just can not help the way I feel.
I can't really give any advice without this information..............
Why don't you like him?
Does he annoy you?
Is he well disciplined?
How old is he?
Are you jealous of his son?
It's not a personal thing against the son so I don't dislike him personally but I feel that the child is 'in the way' at times so yes, he does annoy me.
He is rather disciplined so it is not a behaviour problem and he is 7.
If I'm honest, yes, I think at times I can get a bit jealous of the child but only a little bit. The son is jealous of me too.
Hi there...you are probably not going to like this answer..but take it from someone who has been there...done that....it will only get worse after the wedding. I guarantee it....the stepkid will always be a thorn in your side if you already have the feeling that you do nd you are not even married yet.. Be glad that you realized the feelings before the wedding...and remember that the kid was in his life before you were and he will always come first. Sorry..but I wish someone who knew had told me that before it was to late....Be strong!! Bren
Cheers, Bren
I appreciate your honesty.
But in your opinion and experience, do you not think this could be worked on?
I feel that I am doing all I can in terms of talking to my OH all the time about how I feel and not showing my dislike to the child. I'm being honest with my Oh so that no bombshell is dropped when we marry or buy a house together. He appreciates my honesty and realise it is hard for me too.
I understand it is hard for my OH too. He wants to be a good father and good boyfriend/fiance to me too.
If me and my Oh were to part, I wouldn't really care about not seeing the son again but I would die of a broken heart.
If I'm honest, yes, I think at times I can get a bit jealous of the child but only a little bit. The son is jealous of me too.
I kind of got that impression but I didn't want to be presumputious (sp?).
I know you can't help how you feel. We all have feelings and it's not easy to switch them off no matter what the subject. But since you are committed to marrying your fiance and becoming his son's stepmother (like it or not that is part of the deal), have you thought about making a little bit of an effort to bond with him?
Lets see, he is a 7 year old boy. He must have a lot of interests whether it be sports or leggos or video games or something. Is there any hobby or interest that he has that you could try to do with him? Maybe you two could go out for an ice cream and catch a new movie he would like to see. Go bowling. I don't know, something. Maybe if you were able to find a mutual interest you could build something from there.
Trying to build a friendship with him will help the two of you to work together instead of against eachother which tends to happen in this sort of jealousy. In his mind he is "losing his dad" and he shouldn't have to feel that way. It would be better for him to feel like he is "gaining a friend", don't you think?
I only asked if you were jealous cause I know I would be. But thats the type of person I am, thats why I could never date anyone who has a kid....
Well wow.. you just don't want him getting in the way.. I honestly don't know what other posters are going to be able to suggest since the kid is well disciplined and a good kid overall...
If you were truly truly in loveeee with your fiance then accepting his son around whenever your fiance wants is something you are going to have to adjust to...it is your prerogative to not like the kid.. but it's not the kids fault.. so try not to hold a grudge against the son..
I was the only child and had NO experience growing up with any babies around me whatsoever. but I still like them. I love babies and kids so I think you not liking kids is just one of your traits..not because you were the youngest in your family..
I think possibly you would like the kid if it were one of your friends kids or a family members child.. its just that its your fiances son and hes getting in the way with your "alone time" with your fiance.. IMO
I kind of got that impression but I didn't want to be presumputious (sp?).
I know you can't help how you feel. We all have feelings and it's not easy to switch them off no matter what the subject. But since you are committed to marrying your fiance and becoming his son's stepmother (like it or not that is part of the deal), have you thought about making a little bit of an effort to bond with him?
Lets see, he is a 7 year old boy. He must have a lot of interests whether it be sports or leggos or video games or something. Is there any hobby or interest that he has that you could try to do with him? Maybe you two could go out for an ice cream and catch a new movie he would like to see. Go bowling. I don't know, something. Maybe if you were able to find a mutual interest you could build something from there.
Trying to build a friendship with him will help the two of you to work together instead of against eachother which tends to happen in this sort of jealousy. In his mind he is "losing his dad" and he shouldn't have to feel that way. It would be better for him to feel like he is "gaining a friend", don't you think?
I absolutely agree wit you happymom, in an ideal world, that would happen naturally.
I have made the effort and tried for the sake of my OH and I think that after nearly 2 years, I think that I have given the son a 'fair go'. I feel that if by this point I do not like the child, perhaps I never will.
I don't see a problem as such when someone doesn't like their step kid, if anything, I can sympathise but I do try my damnest not to show it to the kid.
If I'm honest, I'm getting to the point of resenting my OH for even having a kid now even though the kid was in his life before I was. I know it's unfair and unreasonable to take this out on OH so I don't, I just bite my tongue.
What I'd like to do from now on is have nothing to do with the kid, no interaction. Although I have made the effort for almost 2 years, it has always felt fake to me and was a chore and now I am tired.
I still want my relationship and accept that I can not have OH's time and attention 100% of the time but would i tbe wrong to want nothing to do with the son? afterall, I am not directly horrible to the kid.
To my OH's credit, he is very fair. He does not put his son first 100% of the time just because he is his son, he has made his son know that I am his girlfriend and every now and then, his time has to be spent with me too.
I think jealousy may be the wrong word here, I suppose what I feel for the kid is resentment.
I know it's not the sons fault but it isn't really mine either.
When talking about buying a home with OH the otherday, he is flexible in living anywhere as he works for government so can transfer to any part of the country. So by him saying this, I guess he really won't let his kid get in the way.
I want to remain in London anyway (if we can afford to) as does he.
My parents do not know that my OH has a child, I don't think they would be too happy if they found out. I'm not close to my parents so I don't really worry about it.
Just a general question though, is this board american?
I'm new here and there are lots of forums, I tend to find one I like and just stick to it.
I just had to add my two cents worth. I also met a man who had two children. It was hard for everyone. I am sure that at the beginning these two children did not want me ( a new woman) in the picture taking time from their daddy, and I felt as though I could never really be a part of the three way bond.
BUT one thing did keep me going.....EMPATHY!! If you can just for one second think outside of yourself and imagine how it must feel for a little child you will be onto something great. I did make the effort for my (now husband) because I did not want to ever place him in an uncomfortable situation with his children. Now I can assure you at times there were lots of tears and lots of arguments (I still needed to vent) but I tried my hardest to never let those kids feel unwelcome in our home.
We now have two children of our own. I treat them all equally and welcome them into my home as if they were my own. I can never mean as much to them as their mother and father. BUT I can have my own special friendship. It is all up to me with how I approach it.
It is hard, you will feel jealously, but at the end of the day I wanted to be a good decent person and do the right thing by two kids that had no choice in how their life was/is turning out.
Incidentally these two children (thank god) are really well behaved also, so on the bright side you are really lucky there. I am sure some children are horrors after going through divorces etc.
Would I do it all again if I were young and had the world at my feet....maybe not (it was hard) but it does get easier. I am lucky I have a great guy who always tried to do the right thing by everyone. If you marry him, become a team and make a world for your children that is happy and warm, you will watch those kids grow up and know that you did the right thing by them and yourself.
If you can't do that.....then walk away. This guy is a package deal. If you go into it with any other mentality it will eat you up and make you miserable.
No, the board isn't American. That's just who is posting at this moment.
I don't know what else to say. I think if you are already having resentment toward your fiance at this point then it is only going to get worse. His son isn't going away. You say that you do your best not to show him your feelings and dislike toward him, but children are able to pick up on things. He may not notice it much now, but as he gets older he will come to see that you don't like him. It is inevitable.
I really think that you should think long and hard about marrying your fiance. He is a father and nothing is going to change that. I still believe that one day he is going to have to make a choice (whether it be something as small as a Saturday afternoon outing or something larger) and that choice is going to upset someone.
No offense, but you are the adult here. His son (regardless of your feelings) is the innocent one in all of this. He shouldn't be made to suffer because of his father's new wife. If you are going to resent him and your fiance you really should consider moving on with someone who doesn't have children. It will only get worse when you decide to have children and he sees that that child gets better treatment than him.
[ Quote] [No offense, but you are the adult here. His son (regardless of your feelings) is the innocent one in all of this. He shouldn't be made to suffer because of his father's new wife. If you are going to resent him and your fiance you really should consider moving on with someone who doesn't have children. It will only get worse when you decide to have children and he sees that that child gets better treatment than him.][/QUOTE]
Suffering is exactly what I am concerned about for this child! You may not show it directly to him (the son), how you really feel, but children pick up things very easily even at a very young age. I have gone and am still going through a "Step Relationship" with my own daughter and now husband. She is now 25 years old. Your kids will always be your kids, no matter how old they are. I also have 2 grand children from my daughter. We have struggled throughout our marriage with my husbands feelings toward my daughter. I was always the referee between the two, but, my daughter was always my priority. My husband and I also have 2 of our own children 10 and 12. Yes, there is favortism and my oldest sees it. While my oldest was growing up during my now husband and I's marraige, she was very affected by the resentment that my husband had with her. She became quite, reserved toward other people, loss of trust for men, tuff, rebelious,etc...
The one thing I can say good that has come out of this, is that through all she went through she is a great mom. She too has married a man with a child and has consiuosly made it a mission to make his son feel loved so that the cycle would stop with her. I live with regret that my oldest daughter went through what she went through. My husband is not a monster, if that is the image you are getting, but he is younger than I am and back then, he thought that the "step child" issue would not effect our marraige dispite how he felt.
Please take my story seriuosly. I know you love your OH, but I see major problems down the road. If and when you get married and have children of you own, your children will be his son's step siblings. They too will see the resentment and will be totally trying to take everyones side because you all are trying to be a "FAMILY". What is a family? Where everyone involved is a team, a unit. Together through thick and thin no matter what. His son is only going to get older and may be involved in sports or some activity that you want to support your OH, you must support his son. He will never go away from your life, because after schools, careers and marraige that he too will some day possibly do, there will be Grandchildren as well.
I hope what I am saying makes sense to you. There is soooo much I would like to say on this subject. It really struck a nerve with me. Just really think long term and how many people this could effect. All because of a feeling that you carry. I am not attacking you by any means. We all are human and can't help how we are....unless you want to change your ways. You and nobody but you can do that. You would have to want to. And, if don't think you can or won't, than I would get out of the relationship and move on to someone that don't have children. Maybe your man could move on to someone that would adore his son and everyone lives more comfortable.
Like it has been said you may think you are hiding yoru resentment but trust me you arent. Kids are far from stupid like many adults mistake them for.
They see and feel more than you know. The rest of this is going ot sound harsh but it is all spoken from experience.
Im a mother of two boys but there is a third that lives in my house. My nephew lives with his dad and they both live here. It is women like you that I fear the most now that my brother is finally starting to date. My nephew deserves the best just as my own boys do. I actually push my brother to find women that have kids so that hopefully the kind of thing you are putting your SO and his son through wont happen to my nephew.
I should also mention my brother and I were in your SO's son's shoes with our so called mother and step father. The sad thing is this so called mother chose her husband over my brother and I and when I was 9 and he was 7 we were sent to live with other family. Granted it was the best thing since the step father's resentment of us had boiled over into physical,mental,and emotional abuse. So just because your SO chooses you it doesnt mean a whole lot. It could come down to him resenting you for putting him in the position to have to make that choice. Then the son will resent both you and his father and you dont want that.
Above all this isnt fair to the child. You have a well behaved child who is totally innocent yet you resent just because he is in your SO's life. If you truly do love your SO then maybe look into counseling to be able to come to terms withthe resentment and find a way to get rid of it. You may not think you need it but be honest with yourself and really look at this. An innocent child is being resented just because he was born before you got involved with your SO.
Another idea is try being in your SO's shoes and think about how you would feel if you were the one with a child and your SO resented him/her.
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Married 3/25/95
DS 13 yr
DS 8 yr (3+ yrs ttc)
TTC #3 since 01/02
Its not the kid you don't like or resent..its his mom. I bet you see his mom in him. Its hard to think that the man that you are in love with and that is in love with you..felt the same about another woman once before. she gave your bf something you havent yet..and thats hard to think about. i'm sorta going through this right now..i don't resent my bf's kids..i love both of them like they were mine. he loves my two the same way. but i do see their mom in one of them..and its hard. we will never have a kid together..and thats even harder. anyway..the ex's gave them the most important thing in their life... at least you have a chance down the road to do the same..just don't blow it...
you shouldn't have ANY respect for a man that would put a woman before his kid. especially if the kids isn't a hellion. you will understand when you have one of your own...
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This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time.
Those who forget the past are destined to repeat it.
First, your OH should never have said that his son wouldn't affect your relationship just b/c he doesn't live with him. Ofcourse it has an affect! His son will .. or should.. always come first. And ofcourse b/c of his son he is always in a way still connected to his ex-wife/ex-girlfriend.
Second, You have to understand that this is an awkward and difficult situation for the child. It is certainly not easy getting used to your father being with a new woman.. believe me.. my parents were divorced when I was 6/7 and he was remarried by the time I was 10. It wasn't easy getting along with our Step-mother. As you feel fake with your step-son, we felt our step-mom was fake with us. It was hard for her and for us (my sisters and I). She wanted us to like her, and we wanted nothing to do with her for while. It wasn't until we were older.. when she stopped trying to have such a say in us, that our relationship improved.
It takes time and patience.
You are the adult here. You need to understand that this is your OH's son.. his top priority. Any feelings of resentment or jealousy, you have to get over them.. and if you can't then you shouldn't be with a man who has a child from a previous relationship.. I'm sorry, but if you can't cope with his son, then you can't be with him.
Yes, as his father he should be the one taking financial responsibility. Talk to him about that.
As for the "getting in the way" He doesn't live with his Dad, so I'm guessing they have limited time together. When his son visits...let it be their time. Take a step back and let them enjoy their time together. I know that your feelings are legit, but i think you are being a bit selfish about the time spent together. As the adult, and his the boy's future step-mother you have to know when to step back.
I only started getting along with my step-mom when she realized she couldn't "mother" my sisters and I. Aside from being an elder, she had no authority over us, she was just my dad's wife. Once she eased up, and let my Dad do the punishments when needed we stopped resenting her.
I suggest that you talk to your OH about contributing more to his son's visits. I suggest that you let them have Father/Son time.. but also take time together; go to the movies, eat dinner together.. ect.
You are young.. not that age should really have anything to do with it.. but I think it does. I am 24 and I couldn't imagine being in a "mother" situation. Most 23 yrs only have to worry about where you and your boyfriend will be hanging out this weekend.. you're worrying about if his son will like you or not. As I said, I think you're being a little selfish.. sorry to be harsh.. but you're in an adult situation, an adult relationship. His son is innocent in all this. You even said he was well behaved and that it wasn't a personality problem.. so I think it just comes down to you being jealous of their time together. And that you will simple have to accept and get over.. or get out if you can't deal with it.
Actually, if you do remain with him and marry him, and your resentment grows, it will be your fault because you CHOOSE to be with a man who has a child, a child cannot CHOOSE their parents. Your man has a child wether you like it or not, and unless he is a deadbeat dad, he will never be out of his life.
I would not be with anyone who did not like my children and treat them good, and who wished they would just "go away" Would you be okay with it if your guy did that to your child? Would you really think he was father material if he chose a woman over his own child? Why would you even consider having a child with someone like that, and expect that it couldn't happen to yours in the future?
I have a child from a previous relationship and my husband has two, who he had full custody of and lived with him full time. I love them very much and while we had our problems, they love me. No I'm not their mother, but I never made them feel like they where inferior to me because they weren't my biological children, nor has my husband done that to my child. I never expected my husband to put me over his childrens needs (wants yes, needs no) and nor would I even want to be with a man who'd do that. I have a very enriching life with my stepchildren, and now I've got a grandson to add to my life and it's wonderful.
I don't think your feelings are wrong, but I do think it would be wrong of you to continue being with a man, who has a child you resent, and it's incredibly unfair for that child to have to be around someone who resents his existance. If you are not cut out to be a stepmother, than you should probably move on to someone who doesn't have children. That would probably be best for everyone involved.
BTW I married my husband when I was 21, he was 32 and his kids where 13 and 14 and my child was 2 1/2. We now have 3 more children together, and have been married almost 6 years.
I have never been in a relationship with step kids but...It seems to me that just like your name says you think that you are a "PRINCESS" and that everything should revolve around you. If you really love your OH as you put it then how can you not love his son just the same? Or is it that you have issues with his ex? Kids are very perceptive...your lack of love i'm sure he is very aware of. How do you think this affects his life and his feelings about himself. Try thinking of someone besides yourself. You have the opportunity to make a huge impact on this kids life. In reality kids take very little effort but the outcome can be very rewarding. You are obviously not ready for this type of relationship...bottom line if you can not accept the kid then leave...
It is kind of.. evil of you to have such resentment over a innocent child. Leaf said it so perfectly, "your resentment grows, it will be your fault because you CHOOSE to be with a man who has a child, a child cannot CHOOSE their parents. Your man has a child whether you like it or not, and unless he is a deadbeat dad, he will never be out of his life."
You knew before ever meeting your OH that you didn't like children, still you persisted. So yes it is your fault. How do you find it justified that it isn't???? That makes NO sense!!!
I'm sorry to be so blunt, but it is so unfair that you resent an innocent child. Like I said earlier, if this was someone elses kid you would probably like him.
example:
Thats like me getting mad at my SO for drinking all the time even though he drank before I met him. If I allowed it then how can I get mad for it now? It's who he was before I met him..can't change the rules now..
Firstly, what does SO stand for? by the sound of it, I take it as similar to OH?
When I met OH yes I knew he had a son and I explain to OH that I may find that problematic. OH reassured me that as he is the non resident parent, it shouldn't really affect our relationship as a couple although he did explain that every now and then, he will need to spend time with his son which I accept and have never stopped him from doing even though at times I find the sudden change of our plans annoying. Still, I support my OH as him spending time with his son makes him happy, which is all I ever want for my OH.
I have never been in a relationship with a father before so even though I was hesitant, I felt that how would I know it can not work out if I don't try?
Before OH and I got serious, I asked OH what was expected of me with regards to his son. Was I expected to be a mother? was I expected to love the child? OH's response was that his son already has a mother so does not need another one and that if I did not love the child then he would understand that I don't feel what I don't feel as long as I have tried which I have.
I feel that I have given the relationship with the child a fair chance (almost 2 years now), and as I've said, I am not directly nasty to the child. Perhaps I should love him (the son) but in all honesty, I just don't. Part of me feels guilty but I just can not force myself to love the child.
Yes it is complicated and what I really cherish with my relationship with OH is that I am able to be honest with him and tell him exactly how I feel and I know he would listen and understand. He knows exactly how I feel about his son and he respects me for being honest and he undertsands that it is hard for me just as I understand it is hard for him and for his son. As much as people can tell me that I knew that I had reservations about his son and still choose to enter the relationship, my OH knows exactly how I feel too and still, he chooses to be with a woman who does not love his son but is willing to try. I'm not trying to put the blame onto my OH but I don't feel I am deceiving anyone here. All I have ever been is totally honest.
I have never met the sons mother, the opportunity has arisen a few times (christmasses, birthdays) but they just clash with other plans. I will meet her at some point. She is a lot older that my OH by 11 years. When I met OH, he told me that he regretted having his son as he was young and naive and realised soon after his son was born that his sons mother just wanted a baby. OH says he has some resentment towards her for that which he feels guilty for but again, we can't help the way we feel. OH is a good father though and I respect him for that.
I would never put my OH in a position where he'd have to choose between myself and his son and in any case, I don't expect to be chosen anyway. Yes, sometimes mine and his sons needs/wants will be conflicting but I know my OH will be fair to the both of us and not be biased.
I think it is different when both partners have kid(s) from previous marriages/relationships than when one has and the other doesn't. At least with the former there's an element of understanding and give and take.
I'm not saying my relationship with OH isn't not about give and take, it is. But what I meant was when both couples have kids they both take on equal baggage whereas in my situation, OH comes with more baggage than me.
