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Old 10-07-2007, 09:47 AM   #1
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What is really going on? Emotional Affair or not?

I need some advice, from strangers because I don't want to confide this to anyone else. I have been married for 3 years. And in the beginning of our relationship it was wonderful, we both had good jobs and loved spending time together then I got sick. I have MS and it has hit me so hard that I do not have the complete use of my right arm and cannot work anymore. My husband took on 2 jobs one full time one part time. Well the p/t job is for a woman that was friends with his f/t boss and now my husband and her travel together, and she has confided way too many personal things in my husband, and I suspect that he has done the same. I know that he is working his butt off to support me and pay for my medial bills. and when I ? their relationship he throws this in my face and says there is nothing going on. But we frequently get together with her, her husband and several other people from my husbands f/t job, and her and my husband are always joking together. she will slap his shoulder if he says something goofy. He seems completely at home at her house and knows where everything is. and she continually complains about her husbands shortcomings in front of us and him. She is the breadwinner in the family. She calls my husband several times a day, on his cell phone, even when we are home. Everytime she has a crisis she calls him. Several month ago her sister was in an accident and she called my husbands cell repeatedly, and then when he finally called back , her husband answered her cell phone and said she was sleeping and that he was on his way out the door to work. My husband said tell her that we will call her later tonight. then about 20 minutes later my husband said he had to go to the store. I looked at the clock and it said 10:20, we keep it 5 minutes fast. He came back an hour later, I checked his cell phone and it showed he called her at 10:18. As soon as he got out the door he called her, and most likely went to her house to comfort her. I confronted him, and he said that he didn't go over there. I asked him why he called her as soon as he walked out the door, he said that it just came to mind while he was driving to the store. Yeah, right. My husband insists there is nothing going on. and I don't know that there is sexually, but I know that there is emotionally. Both of them are in stressful finacial situations and there is stress in both marriages, mine because I am sick and can't work or be much of a "fun" spouse right now, and hers because she is trying to support their family and is resentful of her husband and his 3 kids that she is supporting. There is much more to the story, other lies that I have caught and inappropiete jestures, that I will alaborate more on later. Please, what do you all think of this. If he stops working for her we lose alot of money, and also there are 4-5 different couples that get together every other weekend and are kids are all friends and I look forward to spending time with them (this is the only interaction I have with other people) and this would stop completely because we always meet at this womans house. So for me to insist that he completely stop seeing her would mean that I lose all my friends too, and that we will not be able to pay our bills. Him getting a different p/t job is not really an option, she pays him $500.00 a day, this is $100.00 less than what he makes all week at his f/t job, HELP Nikki

 
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Old 10-07-2007, 04:40 PM   #2
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Re: What is really going on? Emotional Affair or not?

Quote:
Originally Posted by nikki92 View Post
There is much more to the story, other lies that I have caught and inappropiete jestures, that I will alaborate more on later.
Well please do elaborate Nikki because I'd need to hear about any and all other lies and inappropriate gestures before I could give a fully balanced and considered opinion, but from what you've said so far I can tell you I would certainly be uncomfortable if I were in your shoes. Why, for starters, couldn't he have called her infront of you that morning? Why did he have to wait to be out the door? And also I do think it's inappropriate to touch another womans husband, shoulder slapping or no, I wouldnt do that to any other womans husband infront of her because I'd be worried I'd be putting ideas in her head, and I wouldnt do it behind her back either because I'd be worried I'd be putting ideas in his! Also, does she pay all her employees so generously? That's the first thing I'd be asking myself.

So please go on and tell us more details of the situation.

 
Old 10-07-2007, 06:53 PM   #3
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Re: What is really going on? Emotional Affair or not?

It sounds to me like some boundaries are being crossed. When I first read this, I automatically thought of my parents. My father had a "business partner" for nearly 15 years. A woman who would do very similar things as you mentioned in your post. She was married, but she and her husband hated each other. She confided in my father for EVERYTHING. They would keep in constant contact with each other, even while OUR family was on vacation. My father always seemed to have a different "tone" when talking to her. She was always after my father (blatantly) and my father supposedly thwarted her attempts at him. Anyway, to make a long story short, after nearly 15 years of working with this woman, and 20 years of being married to my mother, my father left and divorced my mother. Well, here we are 7 years later, and he's now married to his "business partner". He claims he NEVER had an affair with her (which I can't decide to believe or not), but it is a well known fact he had an "emotional affair" with her. They confided in each other for everything, and they were each others' "best friend", despite both of them being married.

BTW- I should add that all growing up, my sister and I were friends with her kids who were our age. We spent many weekends and days at her house with her and her family. At one point, my mother and her were good friends as well.

My point is, I believe there are lines being crossed, and you have every right to be questioning this behavior. I can't say that this situation is like the one my parents were in, but it sounds eerily similar.

The fact that your husband already seems to have broken your trust in one way or another is not a good sign either. You say there have been other lies and innapropriate gestures. I suggest you sit down with him and get to the bottom of it, before it goes too far.

 
Old 10-07-2007, 08:02 PM   #4
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Re: What is really going on? Emotional Affair or not?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Laylah View Post
Well please do elaborate Nikki because I'd need to hear about any and all other lies and inappropriate gestures before I could give a fully balanced and considered opinion, but from what you've said so far I can tell you I would certainly be uncomfortable if I were in your shoes. Why, for starters, couldn't he have called her infront of you that morning? Why did he have to wait to be out the door? And also I do think it's inappropriate to touch another womans husband, shoulder slapping or no, I wouldnt do that to any other womans husband infront of her because I'd be worried I'd be putting ideas in her head, and I wouldnt do it behind her back either because I'd be worried I'd be putting ideas in his! Also, does she pay all her employees so generously? That's the first thing I'd be asking myself.

So please go on and tell us more details of the situation.
ok, here are a few things that have happened. The 2 companies work together (she contracts work out to my husbands f/t employer) they do remodel jobs in a 4 hour radius of us. the first time that he went out of town I didn't know that she was going with them. them meaning my husband and 2 other workers. I learned aftewards that she had stayed at the motel with them, but different rooms and that they had all gone out to dinner. My husband hadn't called me that night and it was 10:00 pm so I called him, I could tell he had been drinking, which he doesn't normally do. He said that he had dinner and drinks with the guys, Eric and John, but didn't mention Angie. then I found out later that she was on the trip to and had went out to dinner with them--This was the first deception. And then he was telling me about her personal problems, and I asked if he had rode with her up there and back, he said no, that she drove her truck with Eric and that he drove the company truck with John, because John and Eric are under 25 and are not insured on the company truck and cannot drive it. Then the next time he told me that she wasn't going with them because her and her husband were going to Vegas. That I found out wasn't true either, she did go. Well the next time after that I went with them, but drove up later in the day. They went to work the next morning and then later I left to drive home that afternoon. It was a 3 hour drive. I stopped in the city an hour from the job to go to the mall, and was there for about 2 hours, and when I got back onto the freeway I came out right beside my husband and Angie in her truck, my husband was driving and she was in the passenger seat. Behind them in the co. truck was Eric driving and John with him--this was the second deception. when ?'d, his excuse was she was afraid to drive in rush hour traffic in the city--right, she goes to the city all the time. Then yesterday he had to go estimate a job with her and I said that I wanted to go, he insisted that I not go because he wanted to leave at 7 am because it was an 1 1/2 drive each way and he didn't want to be gone all day. I reiterated that I wanted to go, and he blew me off. I asked if Angies husband was going with them and he said yes. And I said, but he works on Saturdays, so how can he go, and my husband said that Bryan had taken the day off to go. Well then I called my husband and when he answered the phone I could hear her telling her husband that they were about 40 minutes away and she would be home soon. I knew that Bryan wasn't going. My husband does not work in an office, he is in the field all day and usually out of our town, and she lives in the country down a dirt road, so I cannot drive past her house to see if he is there. As for her paying other employees so much, she doesn't have other employees, she gives him the smaller jobs to do himself, the big jobs she contracts out to the company he works for. And even his boss sends him out of town with her to estimate jobs, so I cannot stop that part of them seeing each other. As for inappropriate, she just does the touchy thing, grazing his hand or shoulder, and it drives me crazy. And I notice her watching him when we are all together. she's always trying to act like she is so outgoing and fun around him. And I am sick and can't be like that. What sucks is that I really enjoy going out to their house with all the couples, it gets me away from my illness, but at the same time once we leave I am upset at the things that went on. My husband swears that he would never cheat on me and that he loves me completely, and people tell me how higly he speaks of me and that he loves me so much, and is always so worried about me. that is why I don't even think he realizes that he is in an emotional affair with her. He probably isn't having sex with her, but they confide in each other and she is his comfort and his fun to get his mind off all the stress and my illness. I cannot get better with this weiighing on my heart and mind. I am so afraid that I will eventually lose him, because she is what I used to be.

 
Old 10-08-2007, 12:24 AM   #5
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Re: What is really going on? Emotional Affair or not?

Nikki, A lot of what you described sounds like what I was dealing with a few years ago. My husband worked with a woman & he seemed to bring up her name a lot. He & some co workers went to have a few drinks every Friday night after work. At first he included me & I went a few times. I'm allergic to smoke so I didn't like to go much but he kept asking until about 2 months into it & then he kind of made excuses why I shouldn't meet them,,,,"Oh, you're coming? I thought you'd go visit your Mom & Dad instead..." or "why don't you just stay home & rest, then we'll go for a drive when I come home...". She was driving alone to visit her parents, about a 6 hour drive, and he wanted me to let her use our cell phone for the trip. I ripped him a new one for that! There were a few inconsistencies that I caught him saying too. At the time I was seeing a therapist & I told her what was going on. She said that it seemed like there were definitely things that didn't appear so innocent but she had the feeling that my husband had still been faithful to me. This was back in 1999-2000 & I think that was before the term, "emotional affair", was used a lot. I think that is pretty much what she meant. In 2001 we moved 300 miles away but my husband still worked for the same company & so did she. When we would travel back to visit relatives he would plan on leaving early enough so he could make it to the bar on Friday night. One time, I was back in our hometown alone & he was going to drive our RV back on the weekend. At first he said that he'd be coming Friday evening which I assumed was to go to the bar. When I talked to him Friday around 11:00 am he said that things were so hairy at work that he might not make it in until way late or Saturday morning. I tried to call him around 2:00 & his secretary said he had left. I tried to call him a million times but the reception from here to there was awful & I could never connect. So I just assumed that he must have stayed home or whatever because I couldn't reach him on our home phone or on his cell. The next morning he showed up at my mom & dad's. I asked him what time he got up to start the trip because he was there so early & it was a 5 hour drive. He said, "Oh, I got here last night. I went to the bar & had a few drinks then it was so late I just drove to Sam's parking lot & spent the night there." My heart sank. Later he told me that 2 of his co workers liked our little RV. Guess who one of them was? Yep, the female co worker he was friends with. I told him what it looked like & he said that he'd never do that to me & that I was paranoid. A month later I had a session with my therapist again & I told her about it. She didn't know what to think. To this day he swears that he never was intimate with this woman.
Since you actually caught your husband in several lies about the boss not going on trips, he avoided letting you know that she was out together for dinner with him & the guys & the fact you saw them riding together in the truck...well, that tells me that there might be more than he's letting on. However, they weren't sitting close together. Do you know if that truck has a full bench seat?
My husband & I have been married 28 years. If I found out now that he was having an affair from 1999-2003 I would divorce him. Do you think your husband would go to counseling with you? A therapist might be able to explain why his behavior with this other woman is hurting you so much. If you really want to know what's going on you could hire a PI or have a friend follow him. Or you could do it yourself. I feel for you, I really do. Good luck sorting through all of this.

 
Old 10-08-2007, 06:16 AM   #6
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Re: What is really going on? Emotional Affair or not?

FLGirlie, thank you for your comments. I'm sorry about what happened with your parents, I had friends in school that went through this same thing and now are step-brothers and sisters. Yes I do worry about their relationship becoming more. It may not be physical now, but the more they confide and find comfort in each others company, the more chance there is that it could become something physical, even if this is not what they had planned in the beginning. I believe that she has put more energy into this friendship than he has, she is the one who always has a crisis and calls upon him. He has said to me that all she does is complain to him about everything in her life and that it is not fun to travel with her. But this is not what I see when we are all together, she is smiling and joking. She does tell me the crisis matters once I am at her house visiting, but she calls him on his cell all the time, she doesn't call me first. I find everything out afterwards. Thanks Nikki

 
Old 10-08-2007, 06:27 AM   #7
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Re: What is really going on? Emotional Affair or not?

Could it be possible that he puts up with her "complaining" because of how good the money is? I'm not trying to make excuses for him, but he may get annoyed with listening to her all the time.

So is he always "on call"? Is there a way that when he isn't working he could not answer these calls? Maybe if he didn't answer her everytime she needed to complain about her life she would put her energy elsewhere.

I don't know. It definately seems like some boundaries are being crossed and you have every right to be bothered. Maybe you could sit down and just explain that you wish "your time" together was more "your time" and not always interupted by calls and such. I mean, you don't bother him at work, right? So why should work (which she is his boss) get to constantly interupt him at home? Maybe there is a way of bringing this up without accusing him of doing something or making him feel like he is doing something wrong? Not accusing him and putting him on the defensive is probably the best way to communicate about it.

 
Old 10-08-2007, 06:49 AM   #8
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Re: What is really going on? Emotional Affair or not?

Leelee, I am sorry that you had to go through that, I know how you feel. But don't you feel like even though he may not have slept with her, that it hurts just as bad that they had an emotional relationship? I want to be the one that my husband talks to and has fun with, not her. I feel like I have lost that part of him to her, whether they are having sex or not. I don't know if I am making this out to be something that it is not because I am sick and don't feel like I am being the wife I should be. I had always been very outgoing and happy, I doted on him and did everything for him, and we always found ways to have fun and enjoy each others company, but now if we do have a conversation it is about medical bills (that we cannot pay) other bills (that we cannot pay) him giving me a bad time about the house not being spotless anymore. Him telling me that he feels like I am not attracted to him physically anymore, (because I hurt to much to be physical) Or about what Angie is going through, or what jobs they have to do. We don't enjoy each others company anymore. and really this is my fault, not his, he does try, and he has asked me many times if I use my illness as an excuse to not have sex with him because I don't find him attractive anymore, so he is worried about me wanting him. And when she is not in the picture he wants me with him all the time. Even when he goes to the auto parts store or Lowes. so when he doesn't ask me to go, which isn't very often, then I get worried and wonder if he's talking to her. But even before she came into the picture I was suspicious everytime he went somewhere without me. and that is my problem, it has just always seemed like women just flock to him whever we go, they get all googly and silly, and it bothers me. Yes my husband is VERY goodlooking and very outgoing. So I am insecure when this happens. And then I also think it is me because of things he does like last night when I was tring to respond to ?'s on the board after he went to bed, he kept coming into the computer room and asking me why I wasn't in bed. When I did go in there, I said, why do I have to go to bed when you do? and he said because I cannot sleep without you, I need you beside me to relax me and help me sleep. He always asks me to just put my hand on his chest so he can fall asleep, and if I get up after he falls asleep, then he wakes up and won't go back to sleep until I come back to bed, this happens no matter if I'm on the computer, watching TV, or just talking with my kids, he has to have me there with him. At this time in my life I cannot be the woman that I was to him when we got married. I used to initiate sex 2-3 times a day, and he wasn't used to that, I used to flirt with him and say sexy things and wear sexy things, just for him. He has asked me why I don't do that anymore, and I say because I cannot follow through with them, so why tease him. He tells me that making love to me puts him in another world, it completes him, and makes him feel like a man and he misses me so much. You see why I am so confused. Because I am pushing him away, but not because I want to. I want to be like I was before, but I cannot be that person, so I don't feel like all I do is let him down now. I was going to talk to him rationally last night about his thing with Angie and try to get him to see that his close relationship with her (although he may think it is innocent) is hurting our relationship. But before I could find the right moment he started asking me if I felt any better physically at all. And was talking about my lack of improvement, so I didn't bring it up. I have to go to DR's write more later! Nikki

 
Old 10-08-2007, 11:02 AM   #9
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Re: What is really going on? Emotional Affair or not?

Nikki-
An emotional affair can be as painful as a sexual affair. I think that affairs of the heart run deeper than just the physical lust of a one night stand. As far as you & your hubby's relationship issues....you need to realize that you both are mourning the loss of your "healthy" self. You've lost a big part of YOU since you have become sick. Your MS is a big part of who you are right now but it doesn't define YOU. You are still that wonderful person that you were before your symptoms reared their ugly heads! I'm going through the same thing although my illness is just Fibromyalgia & Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I ache & long for that woman who had the energy to have a spotless house, haul kids & their friends all over, cook, volunteer, have huge family dinners, etc...etc...etc...! Right now I'm seeing a therapist for depression & I have told her that it seems like every time I get really down I think my hubby's running around on me. She explained it that at these times my self worth is so diminished that I start questioning why he would even want me...I don't keep a spotless house, I rarely cook, he does most of the grocery shopping & on & on & on. All thoughts like these are very harmful to us & they make our conditions even worse. Cognitive therapy is a must practice for people with a low self esteem to get better! If we don't love ourselves the way we are, how can anyone else love us?
I, like you, had a very healthy appetite for sex before I got sick. Now he's lucky if he gets it twice a month. I must admit there have been times that he bugs me so much for it that I kind of wish he'd just go get a hooker. Of course I don't mean it but I think it anyway!
It would be a good idea if you & hubby would go to a support group for MS or one for dealing with the loss of health. If hubby doesn't want to go at first, that's fine. It would help you be able to cope with your illness better & that would help both of you.
You guys have such a strain on your marriage with your illness, his bosses lack of consideration to let your hubby enjoy his free time with you & your financial difficulties. Do you think he could talk to her & see if she could start limiting her phone calls to business only if she absolutely MUST call him on nights & weekends? It's fine for her to use him as a sounding board at work but it's really crappy of her to occupy his time when he could be cuddled up on the couch with you!
The Arthritis Foundation has an article online about changing sexual positions so that it will alleviate pain in the joints. I wonder if this could benefit you with your MS? Have you talked to your Dr. about your lack of sex drive or the pain that goes along with having sex? Maybe hubby could give you a nice, warm message before & after? As far as the financial burden that goes along with your MS, do you have insurance through your hubby's FT job? Would going to a credit counselor help if there was a way to consolidate your Dr & hospital bills on one low interest rate card or something? Would you consider filing bankruptcy? There are all kinds of things to consider just to get your life running smoothly again.
It sounds like you've got a good man but he sounds as frustrated as you are. Sometimes men just click with women friends more than males. Remember he needs someone to talk to also. You use this board & he may be confiding in his boss. He sounds like he is very worried about you & he probably doesn't want to let you know as to add more to your plate.
How did your DR. visit go? Any new ideas for your pain?
Good luck to you! I hope I helped you.

 
Old 10-08-2007, 01:11 PM   #10
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Re: What is really going on? Emotional Affair or not?

Leelee, wow your response was so wonderful and understanding. I am sorry that you have Fibro & CFS, I also have a diagnosis from earlier before the MS diag. So I understand the fatigue and body aches that you are going through. When I was diagnosed with the Fibro 7 years ago I went to a pain managment clinic and to a therapist to try adjust to that, and I did get completely better. Basically what happened to me was my first husband just one day came home and said he wanted a divorce. He admitted he was seeing someone and wanted to be with her, give me everything and have nothing to do with our son. It caught me completely off guard, and once I really thought about it. I told him NO. that he wasn't just gonna walk out and leave all responsibility behind. He picked our son up from school because I worked in San Jose and it took me 1 1/2 to get home at night, and he would have to continue doing that, plus he was coaching Little League, and our mortgage was more than I made a month, anyway, this lady was an office manager at his place of employment, so he got a tranfer and we moved 3000 miles away. I never could get over the deception and it made me sick, and I am pretty sure that he continued his cheating with someone else once we moved here. So this is what made me sick in the beginning. Once completely well, I satrted living again and felt really good. Then I get remarried and get MS, go figure!! So I already have beren cheated on by my 1st husband with a coworker, so that makes it hard to trust, and I know this stress is making me sicker. As for Ins, I have to have private ins that I pay completely out of pocket because my husbands company only has 6 employees, and for me to be on his ins is $600.00 a month. My ins is really bad though, but still has lower deducts than his, and we do not have counseling or physical therapy available through our ins either. so I cannot do either of those, it's really stupid, and since I have a pre-existing medical condition now I can't switch to better ins. Thank you for all the advice that you offered, it has been very helpful, I have to go get kids from school, will check back later, please keep in touch, sincerely, Nikki

 
Old 10-08-2007, 03:03 PM   #11
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Re: What is really going on? Emotional Affair or not?

No wonder you seemed like an expert on emotional affairs....you've been through this before.

I have an observation which may or may not mean anything. The fact that they are open about their friendship may mean that that is what it is to them. If it was sexual, they would feel they have to hide, sneak phone calls etc but they think they are friends and have nothing to hide so she calls anytime. (this contradicts other stories on this thread)

Sometimes people have someone of the opposite sex, not their spouse, that they unburden their heart to. Not that that makes you happy but maybe they do want private phone calls at times. Maybe he has stress that he does not want to burden you with.

Reguardless, they are playing with fire.

 
Old 10-08-2007, 03:20 PM   #12
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Re: What is really going on? Emotional Affair or not?

Nikki-Given the dynamics of your previous marriage is it no wonder that you are feeling uneasy about your husband's friendship with his boss.
As far as therapy goes, you might find that a free support group is all you need to feel better. There are also CD's & tapes on the market for hypnosis &/or relaxing meditations for relationship issues, illnesses (including MS) & grief of self loss. I'm using just a deep breathing, relaxing self meditation as I lay in bed at night to go to sleep. It's done wonders for helping me get deeper sleep. I haven't done it for a few days now & come to think of it, I'm super tired today.
Also, I ran across a site that offers rebates & coupons for some medicines. It's called internetdrugco*pons.c**. I hope they have something there that will help you.
Hope your Dr. appointment went well.
Take Care!

 
Old 10-08-2007, 03:56 PM   #13
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Re: What is really going on? Emotional Affair or not?

Matter, thank you for your response. I have tried to rationalize the open friendship part, but then my mind just keeps going back to the lying parts and the way that she has to touch him. I think that she is the more willing villian in this scenario. He knows that I do not want him alone with her, so he lies because basically he has to be alone with her, it is his job. But she is taking advantage of his situation and relying too much on his comfort for her own problems. and then the wheels in my head start spinning, thinking that I am fooling myself, trying to believe that it is all just innocent. I cannot in my heart completely say that there is not something more going on. I want to believe that there isn't, but it's hard, and I would hate to mess up my relationship because I am unable to trust, but man, he isn't making it easy for me. I do realize that he is going through alot too, and I feel so bad for him, and i could understand him just talking to her, but the touching him and the looks are what worries me. She didn't realize it but one time out at their house she was sitting across from me and my husband was sitting behind me, but not directly, kind of at an angle and in a higher chair, and I saw her give him this longing look, like it sucked that they were not together. I could not see his face and don't know if he was even looking at her, but it scared the crap out of me. I cannot get that look out of my head. And then there's the fact that he called her as soon as he left the house that day. There are many things that contradict each other in this situation, yes, she openly calls him. But she has an excuse, it's work. But in July, she called the home phone at 10:00 at night, I was going to go visit my parents for a week and she thought that I was already gone. I saw her name on the caller ID, but when I answered she didn't say anything at first, then she started stumbling for an excuse. Oh, I thought you were visiting your parents--no that's next week--Oh, well, I;m calling because Jim called me earlier about a job and I missed his call and was calling him back. She was so frazzled that I answered the phone and was searching for an excuse to be calling my husband (on the home phone) at 10 pm. Now how can I just sit back and think that this is just a friendship. My goodness, there is a war going on in my head!! And I cannot handle this, it's making me sicker!! There are too many variables to this. Nikki

 
Old 10-09-2007, 08:29 AM   #14
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Re: What is really going on? Emotional Affair or not?

This situation is an affair looking for a place to happen! If it's not already going on then it will be soon. There's lying going on...he called to see if the husband was still at home is what he was doing...made a cover story by telling the husband to tell her he'd call back....went directly out since the husband said he was fixing to leave to go to work...called his boss as soon as he got in the car and off he went...I'd bet all the money in the world that he went directly to her house to see her. This is at the very least an Emotional Affair! He is not getting the intimacy at home, he told you himself that he greatly missed. I don't think that the fact that you all associate together would keep them honest...I've heard too many stories to the contrary. Opposite sex friends is the number one cause of cheating...just read that on msn a couple months ago. I realize that you have MS but how does that keep one from being intimate? Do you just not feel like having sex or what? To me it seems that intimacy would make you feel better but I'm one of those few women that very much enjoy having sex with my husband and I can have the worse day of my life and I feel like a new woman when I'm making love with the love of my life! I'm asking this because the lack of intimacy can really destroy a relationship.

 
Old 10-09-2007, 10:36 AM   #15
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Join Date: Nov 2006
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FLGirlie HB User
Re: What is really going on? Emotional Affair or not?

Nikki, after reading more about your situation, I have two contradicting opinions. In my experience, men have very big egos. They are almost as bad, if not worse than women when it comes to the need for feeling wanted. If you are unable to have sex, and your husband has expressed that he misses it, and that he's afraid you are no longer attracted to him, that could lead to him seeking out attention elsewhere. That doesn't necessarily mean that he is cheating, but maybe that he enjoys the attention he seems to receive from this other woman. Is it possible that he is just feeding his ego with her?

On the other hand, there are a lot of "red flags" you have mentioned. The thing that bothered me most was the "longing look" she gave your husband. As one other poster mentioned, your mutual relationship does not ensure fidelity. It seems odd to me that she would be giving your husband such a look. That in itself gives me the impression that they are putting on a front when with others, but things may be different when they are alone. You had every right to be sickened and upset by such a look.

Even if she is the "more willing villain" as you mentioned, if she is pushing something, it could only be a matter of time before your husband gives in to her gestures.

I don't want to tell you that he is for sure cheating, but at the same time, I don't want you to be blind about it. It seems your husband really loves you, but at the same time, it really sounds as though something is going on. I know you already are, but keep your eyes and heart open. The quote "love is blind" sometimes works against us. Try looking at things from an outside point of view. What are these circumstances telling you?

 
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