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heartbroken238 · 10-08-2007, 09:58 AM

Hi I have an issue that I have thought long and hard about but can't seem to figure out the right thing to do. I'm a 19 year old female and have a younger brother who is 16. Our father passed away about 3 years ago and since then, my brother who i will call "justin" has changed. He does drugs and drinks and just tries really hard to be cool for his friends. He skips class in school, and he's giving my poor mom such a hard time. Justin is truly a good person deep down, but he's really hurting my mom's mental health and i think he's going to be getting in trouble soon if he keeps this up. We have a brother who is nine years old and he's just really setting a bad example. I want to help justin. In the past I've been really mean to him and criticized the things he does which obviously didn't help. How i can help him? How can I make him be more ambitious? I think that he's probably doing all of this because he doesn't have a father figure, but why is it that I'M okay? I miss my dad a lot, but I'm not acting crazy like justin. I don't know how to get through to him. He's ruining our home and his life.

walkabout · 10-08-2007, 10:22 AM

I'm sorry for the loss of your father

. As far as your brother, have you talked to your mom about getting some help for your brother. Greiving comes in all different time frames and different ways of handling things. Age is a big factor and probably sex could be too. Your brother was 13 at the time and could have been when he needed your dad the most. Growing up is hard enough. If he is into drugs and alchohol, it sounds more like he is trying to numb his pain more than an acceptence issue. It probably would be best to find a place where he could get the right kind of help. Not just for the drugs and alchohol, but also for his loss of a parent.

If he doesn't get the help soon, he could spiral downward and things will only get worse.

You mentioned that you are doing pretty well. That is wonderful. Have you ever talked to your brother recenty about how he is feeling? Sometimes people just need to talk it out. Keeping it bottled up inside is not healthy. What better person to talk to would be your sibling. I'm sorry to hear that it is taking a tole on your mom. It has to be hard for her to deal with the loss of her Husband, let alone trying to deal with a son who is going through a crisis.

My best to you and your family!

heartbroken238 · 10-08-2007, 12:09 PM

Thank you for the kind words

I have spoken to my mom about getting him help but she seems to not want to face the fact that he needs it. Basically, I just need help finding something that I can do to help.
I will try to talk more to him and possibly get him to open up.

happymom28 · 10-08-2007, 03:01 PM

I'm sorry for the loss of your father. I couldn't even imagine!

Is there another stronger and older male figure in your family (aside from your older brother) like an uncle or a close family friend that could spend some time with him? He is definately lashing out and a boy his age really needs a positive male role model. Maybe if there were someone who could just spend one afternoon a week with him and do things that he enjoys that could make all of the difference.

I know your mother must be in a bad spot as well and unable to cope with all that has happened. I would keep trying to talk with her about getting your brother into therapy. It may even do you all some good to go as a family.

I would keep trying to talk to your brother and get in on things he enjoys (obviously not the drugs or alcohol) and see if you can get him to open up. You could also try talking to your older brother about stepping up and being a more positive influence on both you and your brother, not to mention someone that your mother could lean on right now. God knows she could use it!

Good luck.

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