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Old 10-12-2007, 02:29 AM   #1
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Join Date: Oct 2007
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micky02 HB User
Unhappy Please Help With Difficult Relationship Problem

Hi
I have been married to my partner for the past 7 years. We both have been
married before and have no children of our own except for the ones from our previous marriages. I have 3 plus he has two. All of our children live with our ex spouses and we get to see them over week ends. Anyway the problem is that my husband still believes that I have issues with his children. I tried to explain to him that yes I admit I did some years ago, and blamed them for his lousy attitude towards me, but over time I have come to realize that it has nothing to do with them, it is all him. He cant except the fact that
I have arrived at this place were I have excepted that this is the way it is. and I dont blame his children anymore. He will never be the man who will maybe once in while give me hug, or take me out for a nice meal somewhere.
Can anyone out there give me advise on how to deal with this situation. I am just so tired of trying to convince him that I honestly dont mind if he wants to take his kids out for meals or where ever.

 
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Old 10-12-2007, 06:57 AM   #2
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thaliak HB Userthaliak HB Userthaliak HB Userthaliak HB Userthaliak HB Userthaliak HB User
Re: Please Help With Difficult Relationship Problem

Micky,
Actions speak louder than words. Stop trying to convince him and SHOW him.
If he takes out his children a few times without you moaning at all then he will gradually come to understand that you honestly do not care. So bingo, problem solved.
However, I do seem to detect a slight disappointment that he does take his children out but not you. Are you sure you have totally overcome this? Because if there is the slightest disappointment it will show in your actions and no matter what you say he will still see what you do because of how you feel.
Good luck

 
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Old 10-12-2007, 07:06 AM   #3
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happymom28 HB User
Re: Please Help With Difficult Relationship Problem

It seems that there are two different issues here that he is melting all into one.

1. You no longer blame his kids for his attitude and actions. This may very well be true, and I agree that in this case actions speak louder than words. Allow him to do with his kids what he pleases without comment and he will see that the issue has been solved.

2. I don't believe for one minute that you have accepted that he won't take you anywhere or show you the affection you crave. I think he sees this as the same issue because you probably mention it when he does things with the kids. I think you should sit him down and discuss this with him during the week when the kids are not there. Do not make comparisons or bring up the children at all. Just mention that it would be nice to go out on a date once in a while. Have an upcoming night in mind and an idea of what you want to do. I think it will be harder to turn you down if you have something in mind.

 
Old 10-12-2007, 07:41 AM   #4
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nikki92 HB User
Re: Please Help With Difficult Relationship Problem

Was your husband like this when you were dating and first married? I'm just trying to figure out what you saw in this guy if he has always been this way with you. If money is a concern and your husband does not take you out because of the cost, but turns around and takes his kids out, it may be because he is afraid that they will not visit unless he entertains them. I know with me, I used to get frustarted when my husbands children were with us because every time they came over they expected us to take them out and do things for them. His daughter would say as soon as we picked her up, "can we go to the mall" "where are we eating" she even got to the point that she would call and ask what we were doing and if we said staying home, then she would refuse to come. It puts me and my husband in a tuff position because he desperately wants to see his kids, but they only want to come over when we are taking them somewhere or it is "present" time meaning B-days, Christmas. In the beginning he was spending money that we didn't have trying to keep his kids happy. And it was ******* me off because I could see right through it, they didn't want to spend time with him, they just wanted him to buy them things and take them places. And he wanted to do this to keep them coming over. And it is expensive to take 5 kids out. I eventually got through to him, and said we cannot keep taking them everywhere they want to go and buying them everything they want just so they will come over. He sat them down and told them straight out that he couldn't keep doing this and that "Dad's weekeneds were not just for going shopping, out to eat, movies, etc. It was time for Dad to spend quality time with his kids, and quality time could be spent with a deck of cards and a homemade hamburger. His oldest son rarely ever comes over, unless his car is broke down, stereo isn't working or it's his B-day or Christmas. When we first got married I made a complete room for his daughter. Decked out with everything an 8 year old would want-- White furniture, cool comforter, all this Bratz stuff, a diary, TV, DVD, Kareoki machine. games, movies. I wanted her to feel like she belonged here. I told her I had a big surprise for her and brought her over and opened the door. She said,"this is the surprise? "This is a stupid surprise" It hurt me so much. I have tried for 3 years to do everything I can to get her to like me, but she just doesn't and she doesn't appreciate anything I do for her. So I do feel resentment towards her now. I try not to let it show, but it is hard. You probably want to believe that you have gotten over resenting his kids, but by you posting and asking ?'s of other people it is kind of obvious that you haven't. Having step-children is not easy at all. The number one cause of divorce in 2nd marriages is step-children. It is hard enough to make a marriage work without involving children that are from a previous marriage, and you know that the ex-wives are usually not helping out either. they will put things in kids heads to try to cause trouble. Talk to your husband and find out if he is taking them out because he is afraid that if he doesn't entertain them that they will not want to be with him. He may be going through a very hard time dealing with guilt like my husband is. Good Luck, Nikki

 
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