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Old 10-28-2007, 07:12 AM   #16
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Re: Broken up but still very in love

It's so weird that so many of us literally went through a breakup at the very same time! What's with these stupid guys, anyway? Did they all just drink from the same watercan that was infected with idiot syrup? Seriously, I had no idea so many other women broke up with their bfs at pretty much the same time as I did. But it helps me to know that so many others are going through the same thing at the same time.

And hopefully it helps some of you others, as well. As you can see, guys are idiots and we shouldn't be surprised at their stupidity as it relates to relationships! They're just not that bright, truly.

 
Old 10-28-2007, 07:13 AM   #17
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Re: Broken up but still very in love

It's taken a while for me to get, what i guess is the balls to reply here. Thank you so much to everyone that has replied, i dont know wether i'm up or down still half the time. I've had a better couple of days in which i realise this is not what i should be doing but i also realise that it's the only thing i can cope with for the moment. When i feel i'm strong enough i may break this so-called "friendship" until i feel we are totally over eachother, i just cant do it right now. I do want to be back with him but at least now i'm realising that is not going to happen and am trying to keep busy with other people and other friends. I get the overwhelming feeling from all the replies here that ex's cant be friends unless they can be happy for the ex. partner to move on with someone else, but it's always going to hurt to see someone you were in love with, be with someone else. No matter how much you've moved on and are happy for them to be happy, it'll still be a blow to the system so to a certain degree i disagree. I'm going to see how this friendship goes and keep the conversations as genine friends, no "sex talk" for lack of a better phrase. I guess you'll find out pretty soon on here wether it works or not!

Thank you everyone!

 
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Old 10-28-2007, 09:21 AM   #18
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Question Re: Broken up but still very in love

Hi again ICF. I'm gong to copy your post here and reply to it within the post. There's a couple of things I'd like to comment on regarding what you said.

It's taken a while for me to get, what i guess is the balls to reply here. Thank you so much to everyone that has replied, i don't know whether I'm up or down still half the time. That's another thing that most of us here are going through after a breakup. Sometimes you don't even KNOW what you're feeling....at least that's what I've been going through. Sometimes it's even just minute to minute or hour to hour. Sometimes I think I still love my ex and sometimes I think I hate him for all the stress and drama (of course it takes two, so I'm not saying I didn't contribute to some of it myself), but, again, that's normal emotions we just have to feel and work through a little at a time. I've had a better couple of days in which i realize this is not what i should be doing but i also realize that it's the only thing i can cope with for the moment. When i feel I'm strong enough i may break this so-called "friendship" until i feel we are totally over each other, i just cant do it right now. Here's where I think you might be making a mistake. I'm not sure we are EVER "ready" or "strong enough" when we're still feeling what we're feeling. It's just something you HAVE to do for YOU. As long as you keep in contact with your ex and try to be friends (don't think that's wise), you won't EVER be strong enough. The strength comes with just DOING it when you are NOT strong. Then the strength comes AFTER you chose to do it. It's a choice....not a feeling of being strong enough......just my opinion of course. I was never "strong enough" to do it....I just had to DO it and feel the pain. I would have NEVER done it if I waiting until I was strong enough. I hope that makes sense. I do want to be back with him but at least now I'm realizing that is not going to happen and am trying to keep busy with other people and other friends. Now there you go!!! THAT is what you should be doing now. That is when you'll get your strenth and where you'll get it.....by keeping busy with other people, doing other things and so on. I've actually found myself having some good times when other people even with my heart hurting like H*LL on the inside. We don't have to wait for those feelings to go away to get out there and do things......the bad feelings and hurt will go away AS we do the other things with other people. I get the overwhelming feeling from all the replies here that ex's cant be friends unless they can be happy for the ex. partner to move on with someone else, Yes, I've been seing this here also. I don't think I was really aware of that. I'm not at that point yet. I would hurt horribly if I knew my ex had found someone else OR if I saw him with someone else. That is JUST why I know I can't try to be friends with him right now. I would NOT be happy for him.....I would be sorry for ME. And that's not something I want to put myself through and I don't think you would either. but it's always going to hurt to see someone you were in love with, be with someone else. No matter how much you've moved on and are happy for them to be happy, it'll still be a blow to the system I don't think I really agree with you here. I'm 64 and have had lots of ex's over the past years, and I've also had the occasion to run into one or two on occasion and have thought to myself "Hey, now what was it I saw in him?"......or I just didn't feel anything at all....he was just another person I happened to run into......even when one of them WAS with someone else......I felt nothing. I'm looking forward to that day I can feel that with my present ex.....feeling nothing except that he was someone I once knew. so to a certain degree i disagree. I'm going to see how this friendship goes and keep the conversations as genuine friends, no "sex talk" for lack of a better phrase. Like others have said here, I don't think you'll be able to do that successfully IF you still have ANY romantic feelings or attraction for him.....but, again, that's just my opinion. I know it won't work with MY ex because I've tried it. It only feels like I got another "fix" that I needed just to hear his voice.......so I'm not doing that anymore. I guess you'll find out pretty soon on here whether it works or not! Yes sweetie. Keep us posted and let us know how it goes. I wish you the very BEST of luck and moving on and the very LEAST of hurting and pain.....we deserve better!!!
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Old 10-28-2007, 09:28 AM   #19
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Re: Broken up but still very in love

Well, when my ex and I were trying our "just friends" periods, we had no romantic or sexual talk at all, we didn't touch each other, didn't even sit on the same couch, but then we'd go from that to sitting on opposite ends of the same couch, then sitting closer, then we were right back in it. Even if you really try to keep the sexual stuff in check, it's still risky business. I know you have to do what your heart tells you, and it just has to run its course, but I'm just saying, I've been there, and I'm really sorry I didn't cut all ties and walk away as soon as he dumped me the first time.

 
Old 10-28-2007, 03:52 PM   #20
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Re: Broken up but still very in love

Ok well here's a new question for you all: If 2 people are in love WITH EACH OTHER, is it possible for either of them to truley move on? What makes the love "go away?" We can do all these fantastic individual "single" "moving on" things but are we wasting our time?

Because in my situation for example, my boyfriend is the one that broke it off. But i've asked him several times to look me in the eye and tell me he's not in love with me anymore. He can't do it. Now I'm obviously still very in love with him regardless of the fact he's screwing me around and i'm VERY ANGRY........
But what's going to keep us apart in the long run? Can "will power" really overcome the desires of the heart? He says that "we're too different". Does love really care about that just because you stay away from them for a while?

How LAME is that. Since when does life have to be so COMPLICATED. You LOVE or you don't. If you LOVE.... there is always a way?
Maybe a lot of men just don't have the willpower to stick it out when times get too tough.

 
Old 10-28-2007, 05:42 PM   #21
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Thumbs up Re: Broken up but still very in love

If 2 people are in love WITH EACH OTHER, is it possible for either of them to truley move on? Yes you can Chez. I've been in love before and had to move on. It's just still too fresh for you right now to see that. What makes the love "go away?" TIME and a conscience decision to move on for your own well being and to make your life better and happier without all the drama. We can do all these fantastic individual "single" "moving on" things but are we wasting our time? I don't think a person is ever "wasting their time" when you're using that time to have a better, happier life. I'm in the process of doing that myself and still love my ex very much.

Because in my situation for example, my boyfriend is the one that broke it off. But I've asked him several times to look me in the eye and tell me he's not in love with me anymore. He can't do it. Now I'm obviously still very in love with him regardless of the fact he's screwing me around and I'm VERY ANGRY........Again, I'm in the same situation. My ex broke it off also. I tried to several times over the last 2-1/2 years we were together and always went back when he would call. I know he still loves me and I still love him. But I also know that we CAN fall in love with the wrong person......or a person that is just not right for us, not the right fit for us.....and so on. There are different reasons we are attracted to a person, but that does not always mean we are both a right fit for the other.....it just happens. Look at all the women we hear about that are in abusive relationships and just "can't seem to leave".....it's because they still love the person, but they are just not right for each other.....it happens MANY times to people.
But what's going to keep us apart in the long run? Can "will power" really overcome the desires of the heart? Again, it's a conscience decision on your part (and/or his) to stay apart when you know it's just not going to work. Also, yes, just plain "will power" has to be involved too. Just take a look at all the posts here.....it happens to MANY of us. We fall in love with the wrong person, get involved in all the drama, get our hearts broken OR break someone else's heart. It happens all the time. Sometimes we just HAVE to move on for our own good. If this WAS good for you, you wouldn't have to be asking all these questions and be in this confusing situation. .....same with me. If MY relationship was the right one for me, I wouldn't even BE here getting all this help from the great people who post here to help us through it. If things were going well, we would just be moving along in our "good" relationship and not even have had to find a place like this to get help. You did JUST what I did.....you fell in love with someone who was not right for you. And, it's the same with me and my relationship......me and my ex are just "too different" also and it would have never worked out for a permanent relationship. I've known that for a long time.....but, in my case (maybe yours too), I actually think I became "addicted" to my ex and just couldn't let go.....like a bad habit I have to break. It's not easy to break a bad habit no matter HOW much we like the habit or how much pleasure it "seems" to give us. Eventually we realize that the bad times are going to ruin the good times and we just HAVE to let it go. It's something like what my son says at times......."life's tough" and we just have to accept it and try to change the "tough" and look for what's good. Life's way too short to stay in a relationship that's causing so much turmoil. He says that "we're too different". Does love really care about that just because you stay away from them for a while?

How LAME is that. Since when does life have to be so COMPLICATED. It's not really "lame".....it's LIFE and yes, life CAN get very complicated. THAT is when we know we need to change the things that are making it that way. You LOVE or you don't. If you LOVE.... there is always a way? Nope.....I don't think so. Love does NOT always find a way. That sounds good in love songs, but doesn't always work out in real life. Sometimes that sucks......but it's just a fact of life. Sometimes we just have to move on to make our lives better. I sure hope this helps.....it even helps ME to write it. Good luck and BE HAPPY.......move on sweetie!!!
Maybe a lot of men just don't have the willpower to stick it out when times get too tough. Yes, that's true too. Some men just can't stand ANY kind of "tough times". Then there are those who know there ARE going to be some tough times and they know HOW to hang in there and work on it. Give yourself some time to find one of THOSE guys and have a happy, healthy relationship. You deserve it.

 
Old 10-28-2007, 07:55 PM   #22
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Re: Broken up but still very in love

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chez19 View Post
Ok well here's a new question for you all: If 2 people are in love WITH EACH OTHER, is it possible for either of them to truley move on? What makes the love "go away?" We can do all these fantastic individual "single" "moving on" things but are we wasting our time?

Because in my situation for example, my boyfriend is the one that broke it off. But i've asked him several times to look me in the eye and tell me he's not in love with me anymore. He can't do it. Now I'm obviously still very in love with him regardless of the fact he's screwing me around and i'm VERY ANGRY........
But what's going to keep us apart in the long run? Can "will power" really overcome the desires of the heart? He says that "we're too different". Does love really care about that just because you stay away from them for a while?

How LAME is that. Since when does life have to be so COMPLICATED. You LOVE or you don't. If you LOVE.... there is always a way?
Maybe a lot of men just don't have the willpower to stick it out when times get too tough.
I wish I believed in "love will conquer all" ... but as romantic as I think I am, I don't. Two people can love each other, but I don't think that's the magic formula. I think it takes more than that. Being in love is necessary, but I don't think it's sufficient. If that makes sense.

As for your situation, from what you've said it sounds like what's keeping you apart isn't a lack of love but the fact that despite being in love your ex doesn't want to be together. Maybe it's the "we're too different" maybe it's his lack of willpower when things get tough... but either way, he's not there and doesn't seem to want to be. I know what it's like to love someone and want to be with them, but at some point you have to ask yourself at what cost? The cost to you right now is yearning for someone who broke it off with you, comes up with reasons not to be together and leaves you angry and hurting - doesn't that seem pretty high?

I don't personally think that there is anything that makes the love "go away." I think it's more like the intense feelings just sort of get less and less intense as time goes by until eventually all that's left is a sort of nostalgia. Things are always most intense when you're still involved in the situation. That's why this "friends" with an ex when you still love them is so dangerous - it makes it really hard to get the distance needed to allow the intensity to start to fade away. For me, every friendly call, every "let's meet for coffee" and, most devestating, every time we fooled around (!) just kept all the feelings alive. It kept me invovled and embroiled. That's what it's just not healthy to go the "friends" route when the feelings are still there. It's no good emotionally. You think you're getting your fix because you miss them, etc. and that it'll make you feel better but you're really just keeping yourself hooked-in and keeping the cycle of hurt and upset going. You've just got to struggle through while the intensity of your feelings start to mellow out. I think it's the only way. I have exes that I still care for - but not the way I once did. Over time it just sort of turned into a more platonic sort of thing and doesn't hurt. I don't know how it happens, it just does. Suddenly, it just doesn't seem devestating anymore. But you'll never get there unless you remove yourself from it and give yourself the space to let things start to fade on their own. It's nothing magical and doesn't happen overnight ... it just sort of gets there one day and you realize that it just doesn't hurt or feel like your heart's being ripped out anymore. It's not easy - not at all - but you can do it.

 
Old 10-29-2007, 10:14 AM   #23
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Re: Broken up but still very in love

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chez19 View Post
Ok well here's a new question for you all: If 2 people are in love WITH EACH OTHER, is it possible for either of them to truley move on? What makes the love "go away?" We can do all these fantastic individual "single" "moving on" things but are we wasting our time?.
I think you're going to get many different answers to this, because I don't think there's one right answer to this. It just depends on what kind of person you are, and how you experience and process emotions. My ex broke up with me, also he didn't love me back, he said he thought he did but he was wrong, so moving on for him wasn't that hard, but for me, it has proved pretty impossible. I've dated many men over the years, and have gone out with friends, done a lot of volunteer work, changed careers, moved, gotten a new pet, taken classes and seminars and seen three shrinks, and nothing has made me stop loving him. I've tried to make the conscious choice to not love him anymore, to crasp and accept that he was wrong for me, that he's happier with the woman he ended up marrying than he ever could have been with me, that I wasnt' all that happy toward the end, blah blah blah, but I still miss him. I still burst into tears whenever I see or hear something that really reminds me of him. I think for me, it's the fact that I never found another love to replace him. I think I could have gotten over him if the right man for me had come along. I just wasn't that blessed and lucky. Nothing else I've tried had helped at all in making the love fade. Hopefully you'll be luckier and more successful in that endeavor.

but no, I don't think you're ever wasting your time in trying to move forward with your life and not just sitting and stewing in your unhappiness. That's never a waste of time.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Chez19 View Post
Because in my situation for example, my boyfriend is the one that broke it off. But i've asked him several times to look me in the eye and tell me he's not in love with me anymore. He can't do it. Now I'm obviously still very in love with him regardless of the fact he's screwing me around and i'm VERY ANGRY........
But what's going to keep us apart in the long run? Can "will power" really overcome the desires of the heart? He says that "we're too different". Does love really care about that just because you stay away from them for a while?
.
That's the excuse my ex gave me as well, we're too different, not compatible enough, etc. In his case, yes, I think he used will power. He made it into a choice, me or his values, and he chose his values. Or at least he claimed to. I will always be confused and never really know for sure what happened, because many of the things he said he couldn't compromise on, he married a woman with many of those qualities he said he would never want in a woman. But even though I'll always be confuse, I know that it's really not important for me to know. all I need to know is that he made the choice to leave me. It doesn't matter why, that's his issue, to be happy with or regret, or whatever. I have no control over that. You'll drive yourself nuts trying to figure things out that have no answers or that you have no control over. He may love you still, but he feels like he has to make a choice between loving and being with you, or being free from the conflict and drama and whatever other unpleasant things he feels are being caused by the incompatibility. He's not comfortable, he's not happy, and that's all you need to know. It's not your job now to figure out why. It's your job to just accept his choice and get on with rebuilding a life without him that you can feel good about and be proud of.

 
Old 10-30-2007, 12:35 AM   #24
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Re: Broken up but still very in love

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He may love you still, but he feels like he has to make a choice between loving and being with you, or being free from the conflict and drama and whatever other unpleasant things he feels are being caused by the incompatibility. He's not comfortable, he's not happy, and that's all you need to know. It's not your job now to figure out why. It's your job to just accept his choice and get on with rebuilding a life without him that you can feel good about and be proud of.
Mm. I know what you mean. Maybe this is immaturity speaking but It just makes me think that we are loving on different levels. To have to make a choice between loving with and being with someone seems to be a... paradox... How can you not be with someone if you love them so intensely. How can you be away from them. There is honestly nowhere else in the world I would rather be than with him, and I think that if he felt that way too he wouldn't be able to walk away. Honestly I don't see him being that strong. Or maybe i'm just weak.

 
Old 10-30-2007, 09:43 AM   #25
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Re: Broken up but still very in love

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Originally Posted by Chez19 View Post
Mm. I know what you mean. Maybe this is immaturity speaking but It just makes me think that we are loving on different levels. To have to make a choice between loving with and being with someone seems to be a... paradox... How can you not be with someone if you love them so intensely. How can you be away from them. There is honestly nowhere else in the world I would rather be than with him, and I think that if he felt that way too he wouldn't be able to walk away. Honestly I don't see him being that strong. Or maybe i'm just weak.
I don't think men think of it in terms of being strong or weak. I think men are pretty simplistic. When it comes to love, they usually choose the path of least resistence, whereas women think it's romantic to walk on broken glass and through fire for love. Men just don't think like that. They want easy, they want fun, they want happy, and no conflict. Even if you are the woman of his dreams in many respects and he feels very passionately about you, he'll still marry a woman who has more in common with him, but without the fire and passion, because it's easier and more comfortable and men always choose easy. Then they cheat to get the fire once in a while. But they always take the path of least resistance in love. Unfortunately, life isn't a Jane Austen novel. Men don't pine away for years longing for a passionate "real" love. They find a woman who will argue, nag and complain and get in the way the least, and that's who they marry, and they are quite happy with that.

But again, all those "how can he, how can you, how does it happen like that" take all those questions, and throw them out in the garbage. Don't let yourself even think the word "how." Seriously. You'll drive yourself absolutely nuts if you keep asking those questions, because they have no answers. Trust me. I spent years and years and years, literally, asking those questions, and still have no answers. You don't need them, there are none. Just embrace the fact that he's made his choice, and there's nothing you can do to change that, and move on and deal with what you can control in your life.

 
Old 10-31-2007, 12:39 AM   #26
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Re: Broken up but still very in love

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Unfortunately, life isn't a Jane Austen novel. Men don't pine away for years longing for a passionate "real" love. They find a woman who will argue, nag and complain and get in the way the least, and that's who they marry, and they are quite happy with that.
Haha! Lol. Ah, very well put.

But where does that leave the assertive, confident self respecting woman? Single? Or with someone more passive. Either way, its a *****.

 
Old 10-31-2007, 03:57 AM   #27
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Smile Re: Broken up but still very in love

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But where does that leave the assertive, confident self respecting woman?.
I believe that if a woman really IS assertive, confident and self respecting, she will find an assertive, confident, self respecting man and won't settle for less. She knows she's worth it......bottom line.

 
Old 10-31-2007, 11:22 AM   #28
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Re: Broken up but still very in love

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Haha! Lol. Ah, very well put.

But where does that leave the assertive, confident self respecting woman? Single? Or with someone more passive. Either way, its a *****.
my guess? Out with their female friends or on this board talking to each other about where the heck the good men are!! Hee hee

 
Old 11-01-2007, 08:42 AM   #29
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Re: Broken up but still very in love

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my guess? Out with their female friends or on this board talking to each other about where the heck the good men are!! Hee hee
LOL!! that's about right! Yup, all the good ones are gone. If you don't snap one up by the time you get out of college, miserable, lonely spinsterhood is almost guaranteed. Independent, free thinking women are doomed, just like Frances McDormond said in Something's Gotta Give "men, especially older men are intimidated and deathly afraid of interesting and productive women. Older women as a demographic are about as f***ed a group as can ever exist."

I know my ex hated it when I would be assertive and strong minded. He would always roll his eyes and say "ok, Gloria" as in Steinem. It really annoyed him when I spoke my mind. But then of course he married a woman who by all accounts "wears the pants" in the family. I guess men dont' mind a strong confident woman, but only if he totally agrees with her mind and how she uses her strength. you have to be total soul mates, on the same page about pretty much everything, and he really has to admire your heart and mind and how they work, and finding someone like that, well, let's be honest, not every lonely single woman is going to. Some of us, a good chunk of us, will in fact end up alone. It doesn't happen for everyone, no matter what our attitude is, no matter how open and funloving, strong and whatever else we are. The numbers and the law of averages just don't lie. all we can do is be ourselves and do our best to be as happy as possible with whatever we can make ourselves. It's time to exhale, ladies.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 11-01-2007 at 08:46 AM.

 
Old 11-01-2007, 11:54 AM   #30
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Re: Broken up but still very in love

"Okay, Gloria" - LOL!!!! Mine used to say "Yes Germaine" - as in Germaine "Sodding" Greer

 
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