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Old 10-13-2007, 11:14 AM   #1
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Broken up but still very in love

Bascially, you can skip the long paragraph if you want the point and not background info. Thanks!

I had been with my partner about a year and we had problems on and off. Not really to begin with but after a while things became hard and as it was a long distance relationship, problems arose from that. We argued about stupid small things and i admit i'm guilty of throwing things out of proportion but i cant help it. He used to be very bad with self confidence issues and i always tried my best to help him with that as he does with me, but sometimes those down moods often dragged us as a couple down. Especially as we could never just 'call round' and give the other a hug. In the last few months i've had increasing problems with being depressed as i have written about in here before. It put a big strain on us in so many ways as i lost the ability to trust him so much, i became paranoid with everyone, made troubles seem a lot bigger than they were and was generally losing everything. I could even see it, it's not like i was oblivious but there was nothing i could do to stop myself. So, in the end we broke up to save a friendship. I dont know how he feels any more but i know i love him more than ever and i really wish we could've worked out. Being friends has helped me from completely spiralling into depression as i have done before after a break up but sometimes it makes me worse as i still want him there for me as if he was my partner and he's not anymore. He's the most amazing person i know and i love him more than anyone, he's the only person in this world that knows everything about me and the only one that can really comfort me. I guess this is where the problem lies, i want him to be there for me all the time and i cant get used to the fact that i should want that. I have family issues and he's the only one i can call on, but i know i shouldn't anymore.


I basically want to ask peoples opinions on wether it's a good idea to stay friends with the ex or not. Obviously the feelings wont shut off straight away but will they ever if we stay friends?

 
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Old 10-13-2007, 01:16 PM   #2
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Re: Broken up but still very in love

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...

I basically want to ask peoples opinions on wether it's a good idea to stay friends with the ex or not. Obviously the feelings wont shut off straight away but will they ever if we stay friends?
Although I have clipped it, I have read the background information. My impression is that you are a young person and will eventually change into someone more stable, realistic and ... patient.

As for your question. Well, yes, why not? If the friendship is genuine between the two of you, why not allow it? It may be a bit of a challenge for you in the beginning, but the important thing is for you to realize that people, things and feelings (in a word: everything) do change over time. Don't try to make him your only friend in the world. Open yourself to other people and experiences, and use what you have learned with him to make your new relationships more balanced.

You will get over this, but... (I am wondering if I should add this or not) if your destiny is to stay together as a couple, I guess time will solve this riddle for you.

Best of luck.

 
Old 10-13-2007, 03:11 PM   #3
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Re: Broken up but still very in love

Some people just make better friends than lovers. If you can maintain a friendship then why not? You just both have to be sure that you are in it for the same reasons. You will have to be accepting of the fact that you will one day date other people and be okay with it. Even though feelings don't go away overnight, you still have to treat eachother like you would any other friend. Is that something you can both handle?

If so then go for it. If he is a good friend and is really able to be there for you then that is great. But if it will get messy if say you or him start seeing someone else then it may not be worth the potential hassle. Only the two of you will know this for sure. You best bet would be to have a really honest discussion about it to see where the other one stands.

 
Old 10-13-2007, 03:47 PM   #4
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Re: Broken up but still very in love

I'm in exactly the same situation. I was friends with my ex bf for over 11 years before we started dating. We just broke up very recently. I want to stay friends with him, because we had such a great friendship, but he told me he's not sure yet and it's too soon to decide. So I told him to take some time. It wasn't really my idea to break it off. But he has a lot of issues and needs to figure out his life before he can be effective in a relationship.

Anyway, I think it's possible to stay friends with an ex, but I do think that you have to give it some time first. I don't think you should push the issue or expect to regain the friendship right away. I think the best thing you should do, which is what I'm doing, is just give him some space and let him cool off a bit with the whole breakup thing, and then resume the friendship after some time has passed. That's what I think you should do. That's what I'm going to do.

 
Old 10-13-2007, 06:14 PM   #5
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Re: Broken up but still very in love

I think it is very possible to stay friends with an ex. When I broke up with my ex I was in the middle of a bad depression. If he had not been in my life I don't know what I would have done. He was the only person who I could really talk to and just "be" with without having to "be" anything else. Please note as I look back I think part of my depression was the fact I was in a relationship with someone I would have been better off just being friends with, but that's another story.

It was easy for me to stay friends with him because I had no sexual desire for him. Things changed after I came out of my depression.

Now, almost 2 years later (after I started seeing someone) - he is going through a very very hard time. He had to cut off all contact with me and detach because he says deep down he thought we would get back together (but he didn't realize it until he "lost" me). Now this was news to me. He was the one who was always saying it wouldn't work, etc, etc.

He has worked out some of the issues and we are starting to talk again. Of course things are different -- but they should be -- we are both different.

He was my best friend and I could talk to him about anything and vice versa. Sometimes I wonder if this was a good thing. I think too much information can be a hinder to sexual intimacy. I don't want to have to "take care of someone else's feelings." But that's another story.

Good Luck Sweetie. Take it day by day and don't drive yourself crazy if you keep changing your mind. If you listen to your gut it will lead you in the right direction, but it doesn't usually happen on our time, only the universe's time.

Treelover.

 
Old 10-13-2007, 06:20 PM   #6
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Re: Broken up but still very in love

I only read the OP and not all the following comments, so excuse me if I repeat advice, but....

I'm not a fan of exes staying friends, but I really thing it's a BAD idea to "stay friends" with someone you're still in love with. The rule of thumb is, if it will hurt you to see them meet, date and fall in love with someone else, and give the attention and respect that they never gave you, or if you know they're having sex and it hurts your heart, then you are still too emotionally invested to be "just friends." A friend is someone who is happy for you if you find love with someone, and they understand when that new love of theirs becomes the primary, most important person in their life. It counds to me like you wouldn't really be able to do that. It sounds like it would hurt you to know another woman is in his bed, in his home, in the primary, most important part of his life and heart instead of you, and that her needs and wants would come first above yours. If you can't be totally free of any residual feelings and be nothing but supportive and happy and not feel hurt at all if he starts sleeping with someone else, then you're not prepared to be friends with him, and as much as it may suck to lose this person, it's probably best to cut him out of your life until you're completely over him.

 
Old 10-13-2007, 06:31 PM   #7
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Re: Broken up but still very in love

I think LarryLou's Mom put it quite succinctly. The only reason I stayed friends with my ex is because by the end of our relationship I truly just wanted him to be happy and I knew I wasn't the person for him. I had already emotionally moved on. As I said in my previous post - it tore him to pieces when I started seeing someone else.

If you keep posting and reading you will see that many many people survive heartbreak and you are not alone, it is not easy, it hurts like hell, but it does pass.

Treelover.

 
Old 10-13-2007, 07:05 PM   #8
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Re: Broken up but still very in love

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Originally Posted by treelover View Post
I think LarryLou's Mom put it quite succinctly. The only reason I stayed friends with my ex is because by the end of our relationship I truly just wanted him to be happy and I knew I wasn't the person for him. I had already emotionally moved on. As I said in my previous post - it tore him to pieces when I started seeing someone else.

If you keep posting and reading you will see that many many people survive heartbreak and you are not alone, it is not easy, it hurts like hell, but it does pass.

Treelover.
Yeah, you really don't need that pain. When you're the one who's still in love, to see the other person emotionally detatch from you, get totally over you, not love you anymore and move on with someone else, can destroy you. I didn't even see it with my own eyes, but when the man I still loved moved on with and married someone else, it killed me, and I never really got over it. But I knew when we broke up, even though he told me the standard bs, "I'm your friend, you'll always have that" I knew it was just a ppie crust promise, and even if it weren't it was impossible for me to be "Just friends" with someone I still and always will love so much. Dont' bother, it only leads to pain, humiliation and all kinds of bad stuff that can really kill your self esteem and leave with all those nasty gnawing questions, "why her, not me, why didn't he love me, why wasn't I good enough to deserve to be loved by him like she is, why dont' I get to be happy, didn't he ever love me at all, how could he forget all about what we had so easily, why didn't I mean anything to him, etc etc etc" Yech!! Nope, don't put yourself through that heartache. Break off contact now. wish him well, and say goodbye and good riddance.

 
Old 10-14-2007, 12:46 PM   #9
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Re: Broken up but still very in love

I'll try and answer all of that in one post so forgive me is this is a little scattered.

I think one of our main problems is that we're still both very attracted to eachother physically so when meeting eachother, 'self control' shall we say becomes a problem. Perhaps a break to cool off and get over the break up would've been a good idea but i dont know how i can cope with that right now. I love having him around and he really is one of the best friends i have, he will always be there for me when i ask of it (which is a lot recently due to depression) and that's one of the reasons i think we can stay friends. But it's part of my problem that i'm so dependant on him that i couldn't bear to lose him right now. I know it's wrong and it wont help me get over it but i dont think i could mentally cope with losing him aswel. Neither of us are intending to move on to anyone else any time soon and i would never have any issues with the whole "why does he love her and not me" because it was for different reasons that we broke up. Is it wrong of me to still go to him as my first port of call for help even though we're not together anymore? He doesn't see it as a problem so i'm so unsure.

As a side note which may get me more shouted out, i think deep down i'm half hoping we'll get back together if we end up living closer together due to university choices. I know it's such a bad thing to think and it probably wouldn't even be a good idea but i think it's in my sub-councious. Any ideas how to kick that too?

 
Old 10-15-2007, 11:37 AM   #10
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Re: Broken up but still very in love

Quote:
Originally Posted by ICF View Post
I think one of our main problems is that we're still both very attracted to eachother physically so when meeting eachother, 'self control' shall we say becomes a problem. Perhaps a break to cool off and get over the break up would've been a good idea but i dont know how i can cope with that right now. I love having him around and he really is one of the best friends i have, he will always be there for me when i ask of it (which is a lot recently due to depression) and that's one of the reasons i think we can stay friends. But it's part of my problem that i'm so dependant on him that i couldn't bear to lose him right now. I know it's wrong and it wont help me get over it but i dont think i could mentally cope with losing him aswel. Neither of us are intending to move on to anyone else any time soon?
You both say that now, but it would be a very very foolish mistake to count on that, because that could change instantly. You have no idea what the future will bring, and you have no way of knowing or controling if he goes out this weekend and meets the woman of his dreams and he's in love like he's never been in love before. Perhaps it's very unlikely that that will happen, but you can't COUNT on it not happening. I thought that way too, when my ex dumped me. I thought he'd never find the woman he was looking for. He told me it would take a long time to get over me, blah blah blah. less than a year later he's shacked up with someone, someone who had many, MANY of the qualities in a woman he told me he would never, ever want. Don't count on "oh, he won't find anyone else that fast."

Quote:
Originally Posted by ICF View Post
and i would never have any issues with the whole "why does he love her and not me" because it was for different reasons that we broke up. Is it wrong of me to still go to him as my first port of call for help even though we're not together anymore? He doesn't see it as a problem so i'm so unsure.

i think deep down i'm half hoping we'll get back together if we end up living closer together due to university choices. I know it's such a bad thing to think and it probably wouldn't even be a good idea but i think it's in my sub-councious. Any ideas how to kick that too?
Well, I don't know why you guys broke up, and you don't have to tell us if you dont' want to, but obviously you didn't dump him because you fell out of love with him and didn't want him around anymore.

Oh, ICF, I know you know your situation much better than I do, so you know better than I do what you're risking, but I'm just so afraid you're setting yourself up for a hard hard fall. I know the two situations are different, but I did the same thing, did the "just friends" thing, secretly hoping he'd change his mind and take me back, that we could work out whatever differences we had. But it never happened that way. I hung around like a love-sick puppy waiting for him to love me again and I just got kicked in the teeth, so badly that it scarred me for life. I haven't been the same person since. I know you guys want to be around each other now, but trust me, the day of reckoning will come when one of you will be hit by a bolt of lightening by someone else and you'll fall in love with someone else and that person probably wont' be able to understand why ex lovers need to be so close and the relationship will most likely end anyway.

I still say the ONLY way staying friends with an ex works is if you both can fully accept and embrace the fact that the romantic aspect of the relationship is over, dead and gone, for good, and you're both totally ok with that. If you both aren't there, you need to do whatever you can to get there. Otherwise, you're not done getting your heart smashed.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 10-15-2007 at 11:41 AM.

 
Old 10-24-2007, 11:43 PM   #11
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Re: Broken up but still very in love

Friends or not friends - either way, every morning i wake up i die a little bit more. I cant function, my work is failing, my friendships suffering because i cant communicate, my family for the same reason. I hate that it's made me feel every morning that i wish i didn't have to wake up at all. I can live like this forever and i know everyone says it gets better but after 4 weeks i'm anything but that

 
Old 10-27-2007, 03:03 AM   #12
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Re: Broken up but still very in love

Hon i'm going through the same thing. Sorry I read the posts but I can't remember... was it his idea to break it off or yours??
My boyfriend of 2 and a half years called it quits 2 weeks ago. The mornings are the worst for me, I wake up after pleaseant dreams all night to a not so pleasant reality.

We are having a cooling off period before we start the "friendship", but with the problem that we are both still in love with each other. He broke up with me because he thinks we're too different. Crazy huh. I'm hoping with time of being friends he'll realise what he's losing and hopefully it wont be too late.

 
Old 10-27-2007, 04:30 AM   #13
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Thumbs up Re: Broken up but still very in love

Quote:
Originally Posted by ICF View Post
Friends or not friends - either way, every morning i wake up i die a little bit more. I cant function, my work is failing, my friendships suffering because i cant communicate, my family for the same reason. I hate that it's made me feel every morning that i wish i didn't have to wake up at all. I can live like this forever and i know everyone says it gets better but after 4 weeks i'm anything but that
Just like "chez19" said, I'm going through something similar now myself. After 2-1/2 years my ex broke off with me. I broke off with him SO many times over those years because of him being a person who COULD NOT communicate well and didn't even think there was ever a need to. He also didn't think a couple should have ANY arguments or disagreements. Now THAT does not even make sense....but it's still the way he thought....he was 14 years older than me and had some "strange ideas"....mostly that he had to have his way a lot.

NOW....about how you're feeling. Me too. Been there, done that. There have been mornings where I couldn't even get out of bed and didn't even want to. I didn't shower, get dressed, fix my hair....you get the picture. I didn't take care of ME. So what you're feeling is normal. There IS a grieving period we ALL have to go through when a breakup happens......just as if someone died. Why? Because something DID die. The love, memories, feelings, shared intimacies.....all the things we've shared with that person. Being friends? I don't think (just my opinion) you should do that right now. I don't think, from what I've read, that it would be good for YOU. I think you need to get with some other friends, make new ones, do other things with other people without him......find a counselor if you need someone to lean on or talk to but NOT HIM. I'm having to do the same thing and it SUCKS!! I want HIM. But each day will get better. Time WILL heal you.....but you also have to make some steps to heal YOU. I'm seeing a counselor and she's helping me get the umph to get out there and meet some new people, do some new things......and so on. Do I really want to? NO! I want do the wonderful things WE did, I want to feel his arms around me again, I want all the laughs and good times we had. But, the down side of this is we were getting in a rut and I KNEW there could NEVER have a future together. Things were beginning to change with us and I could see it and feel it. THAT is what began bringing fear to me and I began behaving like someone I didn't know......I didn't like who I was becoming around him anymore.

So.....try to understand that what you're feeling IS normal and it WILL get better every day that you use some self control and stay away from him. Plus you will feel better about YOU and your self esteem will grow with leaps and bounds. You will become YOU again. I hope this helped.
godfreygirl


 
Old 10-27-2007, 08:16 AM   #14
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Re: Broken up but still very in love

I'm also going through something similar. Was with my ex for 5 years and friends 10 years before that. I tried "friends" after the break-up ... and I'm not a fan. It was just too upsetting. My version of "friends" was pretty much the same as yours - still in love with him, not ready to let go, talking all the time, sleeping together - and calling it "friends" even though it was basically a continuation of our relationship (just a bit downgraded). I think "friends" can work if you have no feelings left and aren't sexually attracted. If you still have feelings and sexual attraction, then "friends" is really nothing more than an unfullfiling and unacknowledged relationship. If you still have feelings and are still sexually attrated - then that would suggest what you actually want is a relationship, not friendship. Settling for "friends", IMO, is just asking for the pain and confusion and hurt to continue.

It also depends what you consider "friends" - in my books that is someone you have a close bond with, who you can freely talk to about your ups and downs, someone who can talk to you about their ups and downs -- and someone with whom you can discuss your romantic life with and who can discuss theirs with you without jealousy or upset. Someone who is happy for you when you're in a relationship with someone else. Can you do this with your ex?? Would you really be supportive and happy if he met someone else? I very much doubt it if you still love him and are still sleeping with him. Being in love with and sleeping with someone is not "friendship" -- it's an unacknowledged one-way relationship if the other person still says you're "friends" and wants to remain broken up.

My personal policy with recent exes is "friendly, not friends". When the love and sex is gone ... friendship is possible. If you're still in love and sleeping with him then you're just hurting yourself. "Friendship" is not supposed to hurt and leave you upset and confused. That's why i couldn't, for my own sanity, stay "friends" with my ex - it was like a permanent knot in my stomach and thinking about what was (or wasn't) going on left me permanently anxious and basically emotionally all over the place. Seems like maybe you're feeling that too. Don't do it to yourself.

Sorry for the long post - but I hope that you'll really think about what you want with your ex. If you want the relationship back then ask him straight out if that's possible and if he wants to try. If he says no, don't keep acting like you're in a relationship and calling it "friends". Don't settle for "friends" when what you want is a relationship and you're still in love with him. Honest, that will just keep you on the emotional rollercoaster. Give yourself a chance to get over him and move on. Nothing stopping you from being "friendly" ... but don't stay in what's essentially an unacknowledged "relationship" and call it "friends" -- it's not a relationship or a real friendship. It's just you getting hurt and staying in emotional turmoil.

P.S. You never know how things will turn out. I told my ex that I still cared about him and this "friends" thing where nothing really changed except we call it "friends" rather than "relationship" was just too upsetting and confusing. We went our seperate ways for a bit (no confiding in each other, no sleeping together) but are now, after truly being apart, working on wether we can put our relationship back together. So I'm not telling you to totally forget him - I'm just suggesting that for your own emotional well being you sort out what you want from him and not settle for something less. Settling for FWB (even if it's close friends with benefits) when you really want a relationship is just going to keep you hurting and confused.

Good luck sweetie, I know how much you're hurting

 
Old 10-27-2007, 05:43 PM   #15
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Re: Broken up but still very in love

Sweety I'm hope you're glad you posted. Because I am! Look at all these women who have been in the same emotional rut you and I are in and have pulled through and are now stronger. Each day that passes will get better. Amy you should be a counsellor yourself.

Big hugs.

 
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