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Old 10-14-2007, 03:31 AM   #1
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Unhappy How can I become less of a control freak and demanding in my relationship???

I have been with my partner now for 18 years. But now all we do is fight over everything I say and do. I have been told I am a control freak and act more like a mother then a girlfriend I just do these things out of love. Why is that so hard to understand? It is not "harping". I am afraid I am just driving a big fat wedge between us more and more and I am scared to death of breaking up an 18 year relationship over things like jealousy of friends, my insecurities and SMOKING!!!! I can't stand it!! How do I learn to just shut my mouth and stop running my partners life? Please help us, I would just die if this was ending.
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Old 10-14-2007, 03:39 AM   #2
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Re: How can I become less of a control freak and demanding in my relationship???

Hello,

Use that fear of losing him and remember that fear every time you feel the need to control or demand. Is your partner easy going or does he provoke you?

 
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Old 10-14-2007, 05:43 AM   #3
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Re: How can I become less of a control freak and demanding in my relationship???

Self-talk yourself out of this. Stop and think before saying these things. We have much more choice and control over what comes out of our mouths than we give ourselves credit for. You can do this. Ask yourself "What will saying (this particular thing) achieve?", and, "What will it hurt to let this go?" Acting like a mother may be a loving thing, but this is not what most people are looking for in a partner. You have 100% responsibility for your own self, and 0% responsibility for another adult person's self. Remember this, and you will see that you have no obligation or right to correct people's behaviour.

 
Old 10-15-2007, 04:37 AM   #4
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Re: How can I become less of a control freak and demanding in my relationship???

Thank you both very much for your feedback. Your 100% right now I just have to keep this in the back of my head. I did ok yesterday. After I read both of your replys I bit my tongue all day. But the only thing I have a really hard time with is the smoking issue. What do I do? Continue to watch someone I love dearly kill themself with cigarettes??????? I can't stand it anymore! It has only been like 3 weeks now after being good for a long while on the patch. But the slight metion in that direction sets everything off
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Old 10-15-2007, 05:14 AM   #5
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Re: How can I become less of a control freak and demanding in my relationship???

Hi, from my experience, you can not change people. If your SO wants to smoke, you can't force that person to quit. You can't force anyone to change, they have to "want" to make changes to improve their life.

If someone was on my back to constantly change a habit of mine, I would get defensive and not listen.

I have realized that either I "accept" that person for who they are, or if I can't accept, then I have to move on.

Accepting a person for who they really are makes life much easier.

Sunny

 
Old 10-15-2007, 05:17 AM   #6
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Re: How can I become less of a control freak and demanding in my relationship???

You are doing well. As to the smoking...most people don't get off the fags the first few times they give it up. Nagging won't help with this or any other addiction, if it did, then addictions wouldn't exist. I really don't think you will solve this one, and that is OK (remember, 100% responsible for you, 0% responsible for anyone else). The smoker has to come to it himself. Insist on your non-smoker's rights, like do it outside, don't breathe on you, shower and wash hair before coming to bed, etc etc, but without judgement of the habit. Hand over the responsibility for the habit to him, and stop being a mother. This is for your own sake. Sera

 
Old 10-15-2007, 05:18 AM   #7
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Re: How can I become less of a control freak and demanding in my relationship???

Quote:
Originally Posted by Eeyore1973 View Post
But the only thing I have a really hard time with is the smoking issue. What do I do? Continue to watch someone I love dearly kill themself with cigarettes??????? I can't stand it anymore! It has only been like 3 weeks now after being good for a long while on the patch. But the slight metion in that direction sets everything off
Well, my husband is a smoker too and I completely understand where you are coming from on this issue. Unfortunately you can't make them stop no matter what you say or do. They have to want to stop, just like with any other addiction.

Do he smoke in the home? If so, you could tell him that smoking indoors is no longer acceptable. It is your home too and you have the right to have it smoke free for your own health. Luckily my husband has never been one to smoke indoors because he can't stand the smell. But if he ever tried he knows I would put a very abrupt end to it. Not only for my health, but for the kids as well.

If he smokes outdoors then I really don't know what I can say to help you. He is doing it away from you and it is his choice what he does to his body. I guess like everything else you have to find a way to let it go.

 
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