I have been in a mildly abusive and argumentative relationship for 13 years. On the other hand, we have shared some lovely times. The problem has been that it has been so up and down and we haven't addressed the issues underlying the problems. She has said she can't do the relationship any more and is preparing to leave. She hasn't spoken to me for 3 weeks and I expect her to move next week-end though she hasn't given me a date. (She lives next door and has started packing). I am feeling very anxious and mixed up. I dream about being with her most nights and am having about 4 hours sleep per night. It seems that I am partly in denial, I want to give her letters explaining where we have gone wrong in the hope she will take this on. On the other hand, I know that it's over and I guess I'm both grieving for the loss and worrying about being on my own. I have taken some positive steps in renewing friendships and I share my feelings with people with a view to them supporting me to be alone.
Any general adviceI feel very anxious about what is probably the last week of her living next door and I am going to have to deal with her moving out next week-end and probably not a goodbye from her. Any advice for me this week would be appreciated - do I stay around or go away?
I really don't think that there is anything you can do to stop your partner leaving. Whether you stay around or go is up to you - either way won't change the situation, but you must do what helps you to deal better with the breakup, and what you can cope with. It sounds as if the breakup has been sudden, although you have had a volatile relationship. You haven't taken it all in yet, that will follow. I don't think a letter will do any good, but writing it for your own clarification may be helpful. Writing stuff down does help us to see a bigger picture and understand things better. It is very hard to have a relationship break up after such a long time, and it will take time to come to terms with it. I wish you all the best, and hope healing starts for you soon. Sera.
Thirteen years is a long time for a relationship. I agree that it hurts to part after so long a time. And probably not only you are grieving, but she as well.
Three weeks is also a long time for no conversation at all, especially if she lives next door. It's almost clear that she has made her mind and is not willing to retrace her steps. She appears to me to be a courageous person. Perhaps you, too, should admire her for it. Unless there's someone else (a third party) in this story, she will also be alone, not only you.
Yes, I agree with Seraph: there is hardly anything you can do about it. Just don't prolong the pain by writing her a letter or sharing a good-bye. It's up to you: to stay around or stay away when she departs. If I were you, I would probably choose to go away discreetly... In fact, I don't much understand why she is the one who has to leave while you are staying. In most cases, it is the man who leaves, or more adequately, both would leave, so that a new chapter in their lives is apt to begin. But it's ok. This is a detail.
Anyway, I am sure that after some time you will be able to recover from the blow, and so will she. Take your time. Don't expect to heal in a couple of weeks, but don't make it as if your life had come to a halt, let alone to an end.
Thank you for the replies. Well I'm really confused now. She came in to see me last night and informed me that she is moving on Saturday. She stayed for some time and while she is maintaining her position of ending the relationship, she spoke about us in the present tense, told me that she had collapsed in work 2 weeks ago and been admitted to hospital and clearly is very distressed. Before leaving we held each other and she said that she didn't want to be without me. She said she will call in again. My closing remark was that if she really wants me she should do something about it.
I feel set back by this. I have been trying to let go of the relationship and this has brought me right back in it. It is of course true that after moving we could continue the relationship as the new home is only a 5 mins walk away.
I could write a plan of how we could try to change things but I have always taken the responsibility without success and I have grown resentful of this.
I feel that I have been given a double message and I'm confused.
How should I manage her calling to the house?
Am I making a mistake in taking her words to imply that she partially wants us to stay together?
Thirteen years is a long time for a relationship. I agree that it hurts to part after so long a time. And probably not only you are grieving, but she as well.
Three weeks is also a long time for no conversation at all, especially if she lives next door. It's almost clear that she has made her mind and is not willing to retrace her steps. She appears to me to be a courageous person. Perhaps you, too, should admire her for it. Unless there's someone else (a third party) in this story, she will also be alone, not only you.
Yes, I agree with Seraph: there is hardly anything you can do about it. Just don't prolong the pain by writing her a letter or sharing a good-bye. It's up to you: to stay around or stay away when she departs. If I were you, I would probably choose to go away discreetly... In fact, I don't much understand why she is the one who has to leave while you are staying. In most cases, it is the man who leaves, or more adequately, both would leave, so that a new chapter in their lives is apt to begin. But it's ok. This is a detail.
Anyway, I am sure that after some time you will be able to recover from the blow, and so will she. Take your time. Don't expect to heal in a couple of weeks, but don't make it as if your life had come to a halt, let alone to an end.
Thank you for the replies. Well I'm really confused now. She came in to see me last night and informed me that she is moving on Saturday. She stayed for some time and while she is maintaining her position of ending the relationship, she spoke about us in the present tense, told me that she had collapsed in work 2 weeks ago and been admitted to hospital and clearly is very distressed. Before leaving we held each other and she said that she didn't want to be without me. She said she will call in again. My closing remark was that if she really wants me she should do something about it.
I feel set back by this. I have been trying to let go of the relationship and this has brought me right back in it. It is of course true that after moving we could continue the relationship as the new home is only a 5 mins walk away.
I could write a plan of how we could try to change things but I have always taken the responsibility without success and I have grown resentful of this.
I feel that I have been given a double message and I'm confused.
How should I manage her calling to the house?
Am I making a mistake in taking her words to imply that she partially wants us to stay together?
Thank you for the replies. Well I'm really confused now. She came in to see me last night and informed me that she is moving on Saturday. She stayed for some time and while she is maintaining her position of ending the relationship, she spoke about us in the present tense, told me that she had collapsed in work 2 weeks ago and been admitted to hospital and clearly is very distressed. Before leaving we held each other and she said that she didn't want to be without me. She said she will call in again. My closing remark was that if she really wants me she should do something about it.
I feel set back by this. I have been trying to let go of the relationship and this has brought me right back in it. It is of course true that after moving we could continue the relationship as the new home is only a 5 mins walk away.
I could write a plan of how we could try to change things but I have always taken the responsibility without success and I have grown resentful of this.
I feel that I have been given a double message and I'm confused.
How should I manage her calling to the house?
Am I making a mistake in taking her words to imply that she partially wants us to stay together?
Well, a good question. I feel I could go either way. Apart from the good things about the relationship I seem to find it hard to give up - I continue trying in the belief that we can sort things out. Even today I have communicated that we need to improve the building blocks of our poor communication by LISTENING to each other.
Well, a partial acknowledgement and in part stubborn, "things wont change". This is predictable. The worrying thing is that she is unlikely to bring this up in conversation, as if it is unimportant to her. I think that we both had poor parental models and we therefore need to learn these things. Her view is , why does everything have to be so hard? I don't seem able to let go of this challenge, for us to come together and work things out. She just doesn't seem to grasp the between us thing. I can neither understand or accept this because she is not unintelligent.
