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Old 10-22-2007, 08:01 AM   #1
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Angry What is WITH these guys wanting ALL my time & getting mad when they don't GET it !!!

Okay, here we go again!! I went to lunch with 'new guy' on Friday. Then I spent the day with him Saturday.....spent some time at his house, went to dinner, went to a movie, walked around in some stores and went home. We kissed each other goodnight (didn't feel what I did with my ex....but willing to give it time) and then I went home.

He called Sunday morning and wanted me to go someplace. I politely declined letting him know I had to go to the store, get some groceries, do some laundry and so on. (Excuse ME, but my MAID is on vacation....for the rest of her life!) Then he called me last night (Sunday....that same day) and asked me what I was doing. I said "I'm reading." Then he laughed this sort of sarcastic laugh. I just sat there on the phone and said nothing......I felt he was ridiculing me for reading. Then he went on to say he's never read a book in his life (HUH??) and just couldn't get interested in them. THEN he said "I thought you had things to do!) Well, again, excuse me! I DID my work and was taking a break with a good book. He lives only five blocks from me and expected that, if I had time to read a book, I should have had time to come over to see HIM. I've known him for about 6 months now...he's been 'waiting in the wings' after I went back with my ex. But, I did go out with him quite a few times when I broke up with my ex....would go back to my ex....break up......you know the drill. WELL.....even then, if he wanted me to do something with him and I'd tell him "I'd love to, but I already have plans with one of my girlfriends." He would get angry and send me an email saying "If it was ME going out with friends, I would have invited YOU!" EXCUSE ME!! What is WRONG with just wanting to spend some time with friends ALONE? We wouldn't be able to talk about some things with a man there. Plus, my single friends might get the opinion I was taking a 'date' with me when they didn't bring a guy with THEM. WHAT GIVES HERE???

HEY GUYS.....what on EARTH is WRONG with ME wanting to do things I want to do!!!??? I just got out of a 2-1/2 year relationship with my ex acting the SAME way. If HE wanted to do something on a certain day and I didn't want to.....maybe go someplace with just ME, or do something with a girlfriend or whatever......he would get angry and not call me for DAYS. He was POUTING (I know him VERY well.....he was my ex-husband's brother). That would hurt me VERY much. Even if I called HIM, he would let his machine get it and not pick up until HE was ready to call or got over being mad because he did not get HIS way. He even did that a few times when I just didn't feel like spending the night with him or him with me at my house......he'd get upset and not call for DAYS.

But.....know what? BOTH of them blame ME for this!!! I've heard things like "If two people love each other, they want to spend ALL their time with the other."......OR....."Why don't you want to introduce me to your friends?" HEY GUYS.....what IS wrong with not wanting to 'be connected at the hip' with someone??? It has NOTHING to do with how we feel about you....NOTHING!

I am getting SO tired of being the 'bad guy' here because I want to have SOME time to MYSELF to do some things that I like for ME.

Have you guessed that I am REALLY pi*@ed off here??!!

Guys AND gals......please give me some feedback on this. I'm 64, was married for 26 years, did the 'dating thing' for a while, then decided to stop, work on a home business and didn't day ANYONE for about 14 years......then came along my ex and fell in love. But OH the DRAMA when he didn't get HIS way. NOW here it is happening yet AGAIN! SIGH!!!

Just signed FRUSTRATED and ANGRY,
godfreygirl

 
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Old 10-22-2007, 08:18 AM   #2
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Re: What is WITH these guys wanting ALL my time & getting mad when they don't GET it

godfreygirl I hear ya!
That's why I'm alone right now and not even trying to find a relationship. I don't want someone up my butt 24/7.
I enjoy my own company and it sounds like you do too. Tell him that!
Tell him you enjoy your own company and you don't need to be with someone every waking minute!
He sounds like he's clingy and insecure......don't let him guilt trip you.
See him if and when you want to......
If you were reading, you were BUSY as far as I'm concerned. You were spending time doing something you wanted to do......
That comment about never reading a book in his life would turn me off......

 
Old 10-22-2007, 11:39 AM   #3
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Re: What is WITH these guys wanting ALL my time & getting mad when they don't GET it

Ugh, I know just how you feel!

I am more of the independent sort myself. I don't see relationships as two people coming together and becoming one person, but rather as two individuals living their own lives and coming together when they are each ready and willing.

I've met my share of guys like this, including my current boyfriend who has become a parasite and impossible to get rid of. But you know, it's the probably the fact that you are so independent that bugs these guys...I bet if you were one of those clingy, insecure women who couldn't stand to be apart from their boyfriends, then these men would get tired and cranky and be asking you why THEY can't ever get any time alone LOL

But you really don't need this guy giving you crap. Someone who can't respect that you are living your own life is not someone for you.
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Old 10-22-2007, 11:58 AM   #4
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Re: What is WITH these guys wanting ALL my time & getting mad when they don't GET it

Sounds to me like an issue of incompatibility. Plus when you said he's been "waiting in the wings" while you kept going back to your ex, that could have contributed to his insecurity.

but I think you just need a guy who doesn't mind that like lots of "alone" and "me" time. This guy just isn't a good fit for you, that's all. Personally, when I'm in love with someone, or even really smitten with someone, I want to spend as much time as I possibly can with them. I like to read, but to read when I could be smooching with a new honey, forgetabatit!!! No way! But that's just me. He needs to find a woman more like me and you need to find a guy who isn't intimidated by the fact that you're very independent.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 10-22-2007 at 12:01 PM.

 
Old 10-22-2007, 12:02 PM   #5
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Re: What is WITH these guys wanting ALL my time & getting mad when they don't GET it

I definately hear you! When I was dating my exhusband he was ridiculous about that sort of thing. I remember one night I was doing my laundry (it was my Monday night ritual) and he called me and expected me to drop what I was doing, drive 45 minutes to meet him and hang out for a bit before he went to work. When I told him I was busy he laughed and then did the pouty thing when he found out I was serious. Are you kidding? My God, I still don't know why I married that moron!

My current husband and I NEED our alone time! He has a very demanding and stressful job and I am home with the kids and taking care of the house. There are some nights when I can't wait for him to go out with the guys so I have the quiet and I can give myself a mani/pedi. Then there are the nights where I just want to have a girls night. I think this is what a healthy relationship is. I think it is really unhealthy to need to spend every moment with someone. I know couples who don't even use the bathroom without calling to tell the other one (well, maybe a bit of an exaggeration, but you see my point) and I think it's just pathetic. I love my husband very much, but he doesn't define me.

Personally, any man who told me he never read a book in his life wouldn't get another call from me. I hate to be judgemental in that way, but I like to have more to talk about than sports and weather, you know what I mean?

 
Old 10-23-2007, 04:17 AM   #6
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Re: What is WITH these guys wanting ALL my time & getting mad when they don't GET it

Anyone at all who thought that reading was 'doing nothing' would be history with me very quickly. What a nerve! I would positively HATE all that joined-at-the-hip line of thinking, I trained my man out of it very early on in the piece. Hang on to your independence and autonomy, don't let him bully you. Sera

 
Old 10-23-2007, 04:49 AM   #7
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Re: What is WITH these guys wanting ALL my time & getting mad when they don't GET it

Hi Godfreysgirl

The first thing that struck strange with me with this guy, is the constantely 'waiting' for you in the wings. That in istself is strange, like he is quite happy to accept being second choice.

I understand your on your own now, but personally it may be best to be on your own for a while until the 'right' guy comes a long. Don't go out with him just because your free, or just because he likes you, cause it seems really clear to me that he will NEVER live upto your ex and your going to be always comparing, and then feeling disappointed and resentful of him.

The way this guy comes across to me is that he is uninspirational in that he is probably someone who has no real interests to occupy his time, and is expecting you to feel that void.

His behaviour could also been seen as controlling, and manipultive. I had an ex like that once, and in the end I had to lie that I was busy seeing freinds so that I had an excuse to have some 'me' time. The final straw was when he came to my door to check I had infact gone out with freinds. Well my embarrassment soon turned to anger, and ended things pretty quick after that.

Company is nice, but you don't want to get stuck with a clinger on.

 
Old 10-23-2007, 04:53 AM   #8
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Re: What is WITH these guys wanting ALL my time & getting mad when they don't GET it

Hi again Godfreygirl,

There is nothing wrong with you first of all. It's healthy to want alone time for yourself. I personally avoid "needy" people who want all my time. I need my alone time! I have my work, my hobbies and I don't like anyone interfering with that.

I am not sure if this "new guy" is for you. I know you still have feelings for your ex and maybe it's best if you just spend some time alone right now to gather your thoughts and go through that "mourning" period right now. That's what I have been doing and to be honest, I feel so much better as each day passes. I don't miss my ex like I used to and I'm still talking to my old boyfriend via telephone and e-mails. He is still 3000 miles away on business so this is good for me. This is quality time for me to reflect...

Perhaps you need this time to yourself to reflect on everything that has happened instead of seeing this new guy that is pushing you? He sounds like he really wants to rush you and that would make me want to back off...

Do you think you really have any feelings for this new guy? Or is he just a "distraction" because of your ex? These are questions I would be asking myself if I were in your shoes.

Hope this helps a bit,
Sunny

 
Old 10-23-2007, 03:35 PM   #9
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Re: What is WITH these guys wanting ALL my time & getting mad when they don't GET it

sounds like they are insecure with themselves, and need you to make them whole. i have had the same problems, and i just tell them...im not here to entertain you, and sorry but my life dosent revolve around you. i do have a life. and if you **** them off, oh well, do you really care? my granny used to tell me.." men/women are like buses, if you miss one, there will be another one right behind that one, just dont worry about it.

 
Old 10-23-2007, 03:53 PM   #10
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Re: What is WITH these guys wanting ALL my time & getting mad when they don't GET it

Quote:
Originally Posted by b1ladyrider View Post
my granny used to tell me.." men/women are like buses, if you miss one, there will be another one right behind that one, just dont worry about it.
That's hillarious! It sounds like something my Mimi would say.

 
Old 10-24-2007, 09:45 AM   #11
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Re: What is WITH these guys wanting ALL my time & getting mad when they don't GET it

YES....I hear you too. I've been on my own for a long time now and NEED my alone time some days or nights.....like you said, to soak in a good bath, do a facial, read a good book or whatever. I just got out of a relationship where my ex would actually get ANGRY with me if he 'didn't get his way' on a certain day OR if I just didn't WANT him to spend the night.....I had things to do the next morning and he would always want to stay in bed until 8 am, then I'd fix breakfast, he HAD to watch ALL the news and then go home when he wanted. I'm an early starter.....I loved him VERY much and loved our intimate times and gave him MANY of them....but, there are just times when I WANTED to get up alone the next morning. I had NOTHING to do with how I felt about him, nothing to do with 'rejecting' him.....but he always took it as a rejection.

Now this new guy started that. BUT, know what? I've talked to him about it and he actually UNDERSTANDS now.....my ex never did. This 'new guy' is one I can talk to about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING and he actually "gets it"!! How refreshing. I'm going to give him a chance IF he listens to me and takes it VERY slowly. I talked with him (and, again, he understands!) and he now knows that I am still 'licking my wounds' from breaking up with my ex of 2-1/2 years. We had a VERY close, intimate relationship and it takes time to get past the grieving process.....even is we know it was not a good or healthy relationship and even if WE were the ones who broke it off.....it still hurts like H*@LL!!

Thanks for the encouraging post.

 
Old 10-24-2007, 09:55 AM   #12
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Re: What is WITH these guys wanting ALL my time & getting mad when they don't GET it

YES.....that's another thing. Is it just ME or does anyone else out there NOT like the guy thinking he can come over ANY time HE wants? I know some people are just like that.....you can go over anytime and there is an open door. But, I'm SINGLE and sometimes I'm not dressed, sometimes I look like CRAP....'cause that's one of the 'perks' of being single.....if I want to just 'bum it' on a certain day, I can....without someone saying "what are we doing today?".....or "why don't you get dressed and DO something?". Sometimes I just WANT to have a day where I 'bum it'.

I've had my ex come to my door when I did NOT want company and he'd go to ALL my windows and knock and then get mad because I didn't answer. Maybe it IS just ME....I don't know. But I actually had to try and HIDE my car sometimes to make it look like I wan't there OR make up something (which I HATED doing) like a girlfriend picked me up and that's why my car was there so he wouldn't get mad. SIGH and AARRGGHHHH!!!! One time a LONG time ago, I even had a guy try and kick my DOOR in when I didn't answer because I WANTED some alone time. Needless to say, he was HISTORY after that little escapade.

 
Old 10-24-2007, 10:02 AM   #13
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Re: What is WITH these guys wanting ALL my time & getting mad when they don't GET it

Yes.....I DO need this time to heal and reflect. I am still going through the grieving process. I loved my ex VERY much and it still hurts.....even though I've known for QUITE some time he was NOT the man for me and there would never be a future or a permanent thing for us. I think I was actually addicted to him. I think I was addicted to seeing his eyes light up when I came into view, I was addicted to his touch, his kisses, the way he made love to me.....the whole thing. I now think he actually because an 'obsession' for me. So....it's going to take some time to get past that. I was the one to break it off, but it does not make it hurt any less.

I am SO glad all of you are here on this site.....what a BLESSING to have others who have "been there, done that" and understand. WONDERFUL and THANKS!!!

 
Old 10-24-2007, 10:15 AM   #14
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Re: What is WITH these guys wanting ALL my time & getting mad when they don't GET it

Godfreygirl - NO it's not just you! It's me too!
Sometimes I don't want to be bothered! The best time for me is when I have NOTHING on my calendar and I can do what I want, even if that means lounging around in my sweats reading the sunday paper. I also want to sleep by myself, stretch out and have the whole bed, and not have to feel like I have to service someone when I wake up in the morning. One of the best parts of being single is when you don't want to have sex, you don't HAVE to!
LOL

 
Old 10-24-2007, 12:05 PM   #15
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Thumbs up Re: What is WITH these guys wanting ALL my time & getting mad when they don't GET it

OH....thanks rosequartz. From the feedback I get from my ex & 'new guy', it's ME. HEY....after all, who wouldn't want their company just ANY time they wanted me to have it...right? Don't get me wrong, I do NOT think we are selfish and it doesn't mean we don't like, love, care for them....whatever. It just means WE want OUR time. That should be respected. Know what? When they want THEIR time, we're supposed to respect that. So....double standard? We are just independent and I think that might just make them feel a bit threatened at times (that macho man thing). OR, maybe they just ARE a bit egotistical and think we should feel blessed that they wanted to come over. Hmmmmm. Plus, you're right. I love sex, making love, the intimacy......all the good closeness stuff, but, I don't want to be made to feel guilty if there's a day I do NOT want to.....not THAT day anyway. Thanks for letting me know it's NOT just ME.

 
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