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Old 10-29-2007, 02:35 PM   #1
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Question How Do I Handle a Jealous Friend????

Now mind you, Im a 40 year old woman married w/kids. My girlfriend is about 45 and she has kids also. Weve been friends about 10 yrs, pregnant same time, our kids would have play dates and so on. But I also have OTHER friends with kids and every blue moon, i get together with them and their children. Anyway, whenever in talking i would mention my daughter was spending the night or playing with another little girl I could sense tension on her side. So the other night i went to a halloween party with a different friend and kids. So today the girl finally confesses saying how i never make plans with her kids and i dont do enough to get them together or say enough to whatever. We would always mention, "we have to get the kids together" but life goes on and neither one of us actually made the time so when she hears that i have plans with someone else, she gets so jealous. And let me tell you, she has 4 kids, always taking them volleyball, soccer, ballet, etc. All she tells me is how busy she is every day going here there here there and everywhere. I know this is a stupid post, but its just irritating me. Im feeling bad about myself like i did something wrong or not enough. I also made plans with another woman because the other woman asked for my help in her working out--- its like Im afraid to say Im hanging out with someone because she will get so jealous. sorry for long boring post, my adrenaline is going because im so aggravated!!! Should i feel bad?

 
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Old 10-29-2007, 03:35 PM   #2
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Re: How Do I Handle a Jealous Friend????

No, of course you shouldn't feel bad. You can't make everyone happy or try to please all your friends. When I was younger I tried to be a "people-pleaser" and guess who got hurt the most? Me! I learned a huge lesson from that.

If this jealous friend (who sounds a bit insecure to me) wants you all to herself, then she has a problem, not you. I suggest having a direct talk with her and simply explaining in a nice way that you have many friends and you can only do what you can do. If she can't accept that, it's not your problem, it's hers.

Sunny

 
Old 10-29-2007, 03:56 PM   #3
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Re: How Do I Handle a Jealous Friend????

Thanks Sunny
I just start to doubt myself like, "why didnt i try harder to get the kids together? why didnt i say this or say that or do this or do that?" She has abandonment issues since childhood so I do understand her acting this way, it just annoys me. I am a people pleaser always have been and also insecure that when someone says i do something wrong i feel like a schmo. My mind likes to torture me sometimes. I go from feeling bad to angry at her. Anyway, thanks for taking the time to even read this nonsense!

 
Old 10-29-2007, 07:06 PM   #4
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Re: How Do I Handle a Jealous Friend????

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Originally Posted by rozetat2 View Post
Thanks Sunny
I just start to doubt myself like, "why didnt i try harder to get the kids together? why didnt i say this or say that or do this or do that?
You shouldn't think like this Roze, children take up time and it sounds like because of her issues she completely spoils her children (sorry if thats wrong)
You have been friends for a long time so she should respect your decision to have other friends and not be treating you in this way!...

Hope everything works out ok.
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Old 10-30-2007, 01:14 AM   #5
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Re: How Do I Handle a Jealous Friend????

I can relate to this, I have a friend (although there are no kids involved) who often says "You never want to arrange anything, we never get together". The usual reason is that WHENEVER I call her to set something up, or to chat on the phone, she is always booked up, and usually cannot even spare time for a chat. I am not into booking up a phone chat or a coffee date 3-4 weeks ahead, sorry, that may be wrong of me, but it is a real pain. It sounds like your friend is a bit like this, and you can't always commit yourself and your kids in advance. I mostly see friends who can at least pop over for a coffee with only a couple of day's notice. Don't let her make you feel guilty - let her arrange something if that is what she wants.

 
Old 10-30-2007, 03:30 AM   #6
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Re: How Do I Handle a Jealous Friend????

Hi Roze

The next time your friend asks about getting together, tell her that her schedule seems a bit more booked then yours. Ask her to pick a date, time and place and see if it fits your availability. Give her the option to make the plan. Let her know that you don't oppose getting together.

 
Old 10-30-2007, 05:26 AM   #7
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Re: How Do I Handle a Jealous Friend????

Quote:
Originally Posted by walkabout View Post
The next time your friend asks about getting together, tell her that her schedule seems a bit more booked then yours. Ask her to pick a date, time and place and see if it fits your availability. Give her the option to make the plan. Let her know that you don't oppose getting together.
That what I was going to suggest.

You shouldn't feel bad whatsoever roze. You are allowed to have other friends and so are your children. You can't make every plan around this friend. These are her issues to work out, not yours so don't take them on. Just gently place the ball in her court and let her do with it what she can.

 
Old 10-30-2007, 07:10 AM   #8
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Re: How Do I Handle a Jealous Friend????

Thanks so much for all your replys-- I do feel better today. She is the type of person that always has some sort of drama going on or something to complain about. I usually listen and let her vent it all out. (oh and yes her kids have everything they want--every new technical thing that comes out, her 9yr old carries around a kate spade purse and her mothers old dolce and gabbana phone.... crazy stuff) Anyway, I was thinking maybe she was running out of stuff to complain about and had to conjuer up this. I dont know. I called her this morning and left a message about halloween at my house and she hasnt called back yet. I was just feeling down about myself because i really didnt make an effort--we both always say well do this or that or get the kids together, but yes, i do agree if she wanted it bad enough she could suggest something-- Im exhausted thinking about it. Thank you again for all your replys!

 
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