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Old 10-30-2007, 06:52 AM   #1
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Husband's Potential Career Change

Hi everyone.

Well, it's no secret that my husband is a workaholic. He technically has two days off a week, but due to appointments and having to work around potential client schedules he takes these days very sporadically. It has really driven a wedge between us lately and we both see it. We have talked about it a lot, but unfortunately as long as he is working in his current business not much is going to change.

He contacted a woman a couple of weeks ago about a job after us having a huge fight about him going to work on his day off again. This job is still in sales and involves quite a bit of travel, but there are absolutely NO weekends involved. I would gladly have him travel and do what he has to do Monday thru Friday if that means we get to have him for two whole days uninterupted. He is going in for what I beleive is his final interview either the end of this week or the beginning of next week.

Here's the thing that is really starting to get to me though. He mentioned to me last night that he was doing this for me. I asked him what he meant by that and he basically said that if we weren't together he wouldn't even consider this job. Well, now I feel horrible like he is doing something he doesn't want to do. He told me that I was being silly and that obviously my feelings and happiness are going to play into work decisions. But I have this haunting feeling that he is going to completely resent me if he is unhappy. Am I just being silly?

I should also mention that if he does take this job it will most likely involve a move to another state. I was under the impression it would be Connecticut which is only about a 2 hour drive from here. Well, apparently they are having trouble getting a rep in Oklahoma and my husband is planning on using that as a negotiating tool. Obviously that is a lot bigger of a move. That I'm not worried about because we have been talking about moving out of Massachusetts for a while. I guess I'm just a little surprised that he would want to move so far away.

But I again ramble. So am I really worrying about nothing here? I would just hate to wake up 10 years from now and know my husband harbors all this resentment towards me because of taking this job.

Last edited by happymom28; 10-30-2007 at 06:53 AM.

 
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Old 10-30-2007, 07:00 AM   #2
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Re: Husband's Potential Career Change

It is his decision, too, happymom. If he resents you, then thats his fault. Sorry if that sounds cold and blunt, but it will be. If he REALLY doesnt want to do it, if he thinks he is doing is just for you (and not for him also), then he should say something and be adult enough to talk about it some more and try to find alternative solutions. You know? Thats not your problem. Maybe ask him again, if he is happy with doing this and if he isnt, then talk about it some more before committing to a decision both of you will end up regretting.
You can't force him to do something he doesnt want to do. He is free to do as he pleases- he must remember he is married, and yes you/ the relationship/ the kids will influence his decision- that is only normal! When youre marriage and have a family, youre no longer single, you have responsibilities. Duh! You shoul have said, yes, arent you doing it for US??? The family????
Youre not dragging him kicking and screaming to the interviews, are you? He has to realise this must be a mutually agreed decision and he has to realise that he is married, and neednt think about what he would do if he were single.

I mean, does he want to see you more? On his days off?
Why does he seem like he doesnt want to move? Ie, his comment, if i were single, i wouldnt be doing this. Why wouldnt he?

Last edited by apple_juice; 10-30-2007 at 07:02 AM.

 
Old 10-30-2007, 07:07 AM   #3
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Re: Husband's Potential Career Change

I think he is doing it for you, is happy to be able to make you happy, and wants you to know and appreciate this. My husband is the same, if it is something he can do for me, then he will do it gladly, and he does like to be appreciated for it. It actually sounds as if it will fill many of your needs - weekends at home, a new state to live in and so forth. I am sure that he will definitely be happier because you will be happier with an increase in his company ana more family life. Sera

 
Old 10-30-2007, 07:16 AM   #4
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Re: Husband's Potential Career Change

I can understand where you're coming from, happymom, but I honestly think you need to let him do this - fears aside. I'd probably worry the same thing, but when it comes down to it, he has to do SOMETHING to help protect your marriage and your family, and his current obsessive working isn't good for any of you. Most single men obviously wouldn't make the decision to change that if they like being workaholics - but he does have a bigger picture to consider here with you or the kids. There has to be a balance, right now he's just never around for you guys because he works so much.

I actually think it's a good thing that he's realizing that while this may not be what his first choice would be, he's still consciously making the effort and working to do what's right. If he had been properly balancing work/family time as it was - then this wouldn't even have to be a consideration in the first place, right? Not to put him down - because I'm sure he's working so hard because he wants to support you guys; but it's still a balance and it was tipped one way for too long.

If this will be better for you, your marriage, and your family, then try to put the guilt aside and realize he's doing what he vowed to do and it's a good thing. He even said you're being silly! He's right in that I think he knows he can't make decisions like he would've when he was single now - and he's making the right choice.

The move is definitely difficult, personally I hate uprooting, but maybe it will be a good change for you guys? You'll have to spend that time together on the weekends at first because you'll be in a new place Hehehe.

If you really want to, talk to him about it and again and just say one more time you're a little scared that he'll resent you down the road - it's okay to express that, and if my gut is right - he's going to ease your fears and make you feel a little better. At least I hope I'm right!

 
Old 10-30-2007, 07:30 AM   #5
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Re: Husband's Potential Career Change

Thank you so much for your replies.

He was home early last night (before 6pm ). He is completely burnt out where he is now. When we were talking he said just that Sera, that he wants me to be happy, and he knows I haven't been lately. He misses us just as much as we miss him. He heard our 6 year old reading to me last night and he couldn't believe how much better she has gotten because he just hasn't been around to see it. He said how he is starting to feel like a guest in his own home.

I know you're right Destea. I need to put my guilt aside, but I have always been one to feel guilty about and appologize for everything. This wouldn't be an issue if things were more balanced, but I knew was like this when I married him. I feel like I am changing him, but I guess in reality if he wants to be a family man then he has to change, right?

I wasn't all that worried about this until he brought up Oklahoma. Maybe it's the possibility of leaving what I know that is getting me all worked up. I mean, I've never been further west than Pennsylvania.

 
Old 10-30-2007, 08:52 AM   #6
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Re: Husband's Potential Career Change

Big moves along with a new job can bring added stress so if this job pans out and you do have to make a big move like that just be careful and dont expect changes right away even if you do get those uninterrupted weekends. The reason I say that is big moves bring on a whole other level of stress to relationships. Military families deal with it all the time. I dont tell you that ot bring on more worry or guilt. I do it cause so many people go into big moves not thinking of the whole picture. It can be very stressful due to a new location, no close family or friends. So the first few months you need to be able to let the little things go and work on settling in and getting the kids settled. If you fight during that time avoid the divorce word and know that the fights are stemming for a major stress factor of the move. I cant tell you the number of military families I have seen that divorced shortly after a big move. BUt then there are other couples who have a stronger bond after big moves.
So he is making this choice not only for himself but for your family and you shouldnt feel guilty about it. So let him do that and set aside your worry over that. Also you can take the silver lining in that he said he is doing it for you. He saw the big picture and knew he had to do something to make things right in getting more time with you and your kids.
To tell you something. My husband when we married was set on only serving 4 years in the Air Force. Well I married him when he was in his second year. We had our son in his third year. Well after his birth I started talking to him about staying in another four. I pointed out benefits for our son and that I was more than willing to stay by him even when he was gone on tdys or deployments. He agreed to sign on for four more. I was worried he would resent me for it cause he had his heart set on getting out and us moving back to his home state. When I talked to him I told him what I wanted but I made sure that every time we talked that I told him it was his choice to make for better or worse. Well he reenlisted and a couple of more times since then..lol At his 10 year mark he actually thanked me for talking into staying in. I was shocked cause I still had that worry in the back of my mind that he resented it. But he didnt. We only have 5 and half more years to go til retirement. He cant wait for that but he also says he is happy he stayed in.
So chances are you will always have that worry but there will probably come a day when your husband thanks you for supporting him in this choice he is making for your family.
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Old 10-30-2007, 09:01 AM   #7
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Re: Husband's Potential Career Change

Quote:
Originally Posted by happymom28 View Post
Hi everyone.
The main question here seems to be: actually, what was on his mind when he said the words?

If he really meant them, he was being quite oblivious of his role in the family. For a husband and father, his family must come in the first place.

However, I’m more inclined to assume that he didn’t really mean them. I favor the idea that he probably didn't really know what he was talking about. That is, he said it without much reflection. Maybe he was not really aware that he will be doing it not only for you, but for everybody else in the family, especially himself. Why? Because, although I don't know his age and how difficult to get a new job in your area is, if the lucky hit had occurred to me, provided that the salary and work conditions were at least the same as in my current job, I would only be too proud of myself to have achieved this. Wouldn’t I be doing it then for myself, too?

Or maybe he said it because deep inside, he is afraid. I find it quite natural to be a little apprehensive about such a radical change (I don’t know much of America, but I suppose moving from Massachusetts to Oklahoma is almost like moving abroad). The prospect, however, could have prompted him to ask you: "Do you agree to the move? Will you be on my side?" instead rather than dispatching the responsibility and fear to you. Right or wrong, I think the final word about a move rests on the wife. A woman is more intuitive than a man. She usually can see farther. I would go anywhere if only my wife said "let's go," but I would rather stay back if she wasn't sure about the move. So, unless something is telling you not to go, you should encourage him and confirm that you will remain by his side, whatever happens.

If he were single, he would have no strings to pull him this or that direction. I am sure he would go anywhere. That’s what makes me think again he was unaware of what he was saying. In a certain way, he must be forgiven.

Lastly, I don’t think there is one reason on earth for you to feel guilty in the case of a failure (knocking on wood) and I know I shouldn’t throw a wet blanket on it, but my only (albeit remote) worry is that he somehow won’t be cured of his workaholism and even with more free hours for himself and the family in the new location, he will find a detour back to the old pattern. In that case, the change must take place in his heart, not in a move to another job or place.

Last edited by pendulum; 10-30-2007 at 09:03 AM.

 
Old 10-30-2007, 09:23 AM   #8
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Re: Husband's Potential Career Change

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blastoff9600 View Post
Big moves along with a new job can bring added stress so if this job pans out and you do have to make a big move like that just be careful and dont expect changes right away even if you do get those uninterrupted weekends. The reason I say that is big moves bring on a whole other level of stress to relationships. Military families deal with it all the time. I dont tell you that ot bring on more worry or guilt. I do it cause so many people go into big moves not thinking of the whole picture. It can be very stressful due to a new location, no close family or friends. So the first few months you need to be able to let the little things go and work on settling in and getting the kids settled. If you fight during that time avoid the divorce word and know that the fights are stemming for a major stress factor of the move. I cant tell you the number of military families I have seen that divorced shortly after a big move. BUt then there are other couples who have a stronger bond after big moves.
I am definately affraid of the added stress. I am realistic in that I don't expect things to be perfect overnight. I know there will be a major adjustment for all of us. When it was just Connecticut on the table I wasn't so worried because we do have friends there and our families would be a short drive away. Now that Oklahoma is an option it's a little scarier. But I guess I shouldn't think too much about that until after his interview, huh? I do appreciate your insight. I have to give you so much credit for being a military wife. I don't know if I would have that strenght.

 
Old 10-30-2007, 09:34 AM   #9
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Re: Husband's Potential Career Change

Hi happymum

I wouldn't worry just yet, honestly, I mean he doesn't even have to say yes to the job if he is offered it, does he?
I am very much similar to you regarding these guilty feelings and I am trying to learn that this is not right. You can't go on in life cautious about giving your opinion about something that touches the very essence of your life. You have said that to me in my recent post So please relax. On top of everything else, you may well enjoy a move. I am sure that you will be able to talk about things once and if they happen. But don't blame yourself for voicing your desire to have him around more. It is perfectly your right.
Take care

 
Old 10-30-2007, 09:47 AM   #10
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Re: Husband's Potential Career Change

Quote:
Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
...although I don't know his age and how difficult to get a new job in your area is, if the lucky hit had occurred to me, provided that the salary and work conditions were at least the same as in my current job, I would only be too proud of myself to have achieved this. Wouldn’t I be doing it then for myself, too?
It is not difficult to get a job here. It's the cost of living here that is the problem. He could realistically get a job with this company and remain in this area, but neither one of us want to do that unless he would be able to negotiate a larger salary.

Quote:
Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
Or maybe he said it because deep inside, he is afraid. I find it quite natural to be a little apprehensive about such a radical change (I don’t know much of America, but I suppose moving from Massachusetts to Oklahoma is almost like moving abroad). The prospect, however, could have prompted him to ask you: "Do you agree to the move? Will you be on my side?" instead rather than dispatching the responsibility and fear to you. Right or wrong, I think the final word about a move rests on the wife. A woman is more intuitive than a man. She usually can see farther. I would go anywhere if only my wife said "let's go," but I would rather stay back if she wasn't sure about the move. So, unless something is telling you not to go, you should encourage him and confirm that you will remain by his side, whatever happens.
I think he is afraid of making such a big change. He is 30 and has been in his current field for 10 years. He did ask me if I agreed to move, he didn't just come out and say "this is what's going to happen". He also knows that as long as he is good to me and the girls I will stick with him no matter what. There isn't anything telling me not to go, I think I'm just nervous about being so far away from my family. But I know that change can be a good thing, and I would rather do it before the girls get too much older. My 6 year old has been through so much in her short lifetime and we want to make this a final move and set down our roots.

Quote:
Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
...Lastly, I don’t think there is one reason on earth for you to feel guilty in the case of a failure (knocking on wood) and I know I shouldn’t throw a wet blanket on it, but my only (albeit remote) worry is that he somehow won’t be cured of his workaholism and even with more free hours for himself and the family in the new location, he will find a detour back to the old pattern. In that case, the change must take place in his heart, not in a move to another job or place.
That is the biggest fear of all, and I guess the one I am most affraid to voice. He is the one that said to me "my workaholism is going to cause a divorce if we don't find a solution". I know that was hard for him to admit. He said to me last night that I (meaning me) have made a lot of sacrafices for our family and now it is his turn. Your last statement that I highlighted summed it up beautifully, and I'm thinking I'm going to have to have him read that. Thanks!

Last edited by happymom28; 10-30-2007 at 09:47 AM.

 
Old 10-30-2007, 09:53 AM   #11
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Re: Husband's Potential Career Change

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nina000 View Post
I wouldn't worry just yet, honestly, I mean he doesn't even have to say yes to the job if he is offered it, does he?
He doesn't have to, but I know he wants to.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nina000 View Post
You can't go on in life cautious about giving your opinion about something that touches the very essence of your life. You have said that to me in my recent post
I know, what a hypocrit I am Nina! I can dish it but I can't take it I guess. I know I need to relax, but when he takes this job (and I am convinced it's a when and not an if) it will begin on the first of the year at the latest. That means at the very most I will have 2 months to get everything organized to move, find a home, enroll my daughter in school, etc.. I know most of that responsibility will fall on my shoulders.

How have you been doing Nina?

 
Old 10-30-2007, 10:09 AM   #12
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Re: Husband's Potential Career Change

My bf had a fantastic job where it required him to travel all around the country (sometimes he would fly to Florida early in the morning for the day and be back in the late evening of the same day). He was an auditor and unfortunately, travel was a big part (80&#37 of this position.

I told him how unhappy I was and so nervous about his traveling (mostly, I was terrified of plane crashes). He told me that he really loved his job but he would take another position in order to keep me happy. I don't think he regrets it but I do feel bad sometimes that I was the reason he left that job.

In my heart, I know there was no way I would ever be happy in that kind of relationship and he understood and has never held it against me.

He is now working in NYC and takes a bus every day because he knows that trains make me nervous, too.

Last edited by Mainegirl; 10-30-2007 at 10:10 AM.

 
Old 10-30-2007, 10:15 AM   #13
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Re: Husband's Potential Career Change

Yes, I know what you mean about the stress of moving in such a short notice, but this is only at the start. You might like there better, or as much, when you settle down. Change is really healthy sometimes. Try to focus on the bright side of it and let's hope you will both be happy there. If not, he will find a way out of it.

... thanks for asking about me happymum I am distracted by work/study/few other things at the moment and I will talk to him as soon as I feel calmer. I will let you know when I do because I tremendously appreciate all your insight and support. Hugs.
Nina

Last edited by Nina000; 10-30-2007 at 10:15 AM.

 
Old 10-30-2007, 11:10 AM   #14
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Re: Husband's Potential Career Change

Oh it can be weird to move so far when you are so close to family. I grew up in Texas and Arkansas and met my Dh in Arkansas. When he got his first orders after we were married about 4 years it was to Utah. I was shocked at first cause I had never been that far away from family. But I accepted and made the move from Arkansas to Utah without a backward glance. I missed my family like crazy and only got to see my gparents once during the five yrs and my brother 3 times and my aunt 2 twice. But it was one of the best moves. It wasnt easy at first but we have such a stronger bond now with 5 years to focus just on our little family. I wouldnt change it for the world. Now we are closer to my family again and it feels odd at times.
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Old 10-30-2007, 01:51 PM   #15
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Re: Husband's Potential Career Change

Quote:
Originally Posted by happymom28 View Post
... Your last statement that I highlighted summed it up beautifully, and I'm thinking I'm going to have to have him read that. Thanks!
Hey Happymom

Are you sure you are going to do that?

I take these boards very seriously. Of course, all of us take them very seriously. But I am afraid many of our spouses don't. For instance, my wife thinks (she actually doesn't say it much) that I am wasting a lot of my time on these "internet things." If I were to show her some insight from these boards on some specific problem we were having, she might even please me and read it, but probably she would dismiss it inwardly. You see the point. I don't know if your husband is as sceptical as my wife, but there is a chance he is. He could say to himself: "She gives more attention to these boards than to the things I say to her..."

I don't know. Maybe you could talk to him without mentioning the boards?

Please don't take it amiss. I simply felt like sharing my concern with you. Maybe there is nothing for me to worry about.

 
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