My previous posts have explained that my relationship with my boyfriend has been very difficult. I have encountered yet another problem. He hates my cats and my cats hate him. I dropped off one of my cats to him over the weekend so they could bond. She has been petrified ever since I left. He tried to pet her and she lunged at him, biting into his finger. He got into bed and she was under the covers and she scratched his leg and peed and pooped on the bed in the process because she was so scared she lost bowel control. He says he can't handle living with my cats. So I'm put into this horrible position. Do I give up my cats or give up the guy?
you give up the guy....that's a no-brainer.
your animals give you unconditional love, men come and go.
I bet he did something mean while he was alone with the cat. That's why the cat is acting like that. I wouldn't trust him alone with my animals.....and if you can't trust him, there's no point in being with him.
My previous posts have explained that my relationship with my boyfriend has been very difficult.... ... He says he can't handle living with my cats. So I'm put into this horrible position. Do I give up my cats or give up the guy?
I don't know the other difficulties you are having with your bf are all about, so I'm focusing only on the cats.
I know that some people say they can't put up with cats, but in most cases they say so because they don't know cats. Once they get to know them, they may even start to prefer cats to dogs.
If I were you, I wouldn't give up my cats or my bf yet. I would try again. Next time around you would stay in to help with the socializing. If he is scared, it's only natural that the cats feel the same.
Even if you don't keep this bf for any other reason, I am sure you can succeed in changing his mind about cats. In any case, be patient with both.
I would give up the guy. You made a comittment to those cats. I do animal rescue and foster care for cats, and honestly it really bothers me the reasons people give away animals. You mention other problems with the BF. Honestly, it sounds like he is cruel to the cats and did something to the cat over the weekend, and anyone who is cruel to animals I wouldn't even date. Plus, maybe this is also a compatibility issue, you shouldn'tr have to give them up for him, especially when you mention there are other issues as wel. I would NEVER give up my pets for any man, even my husband. he knew going into this I loved my animals and they were staying, and he is kind to them always, that is one of the many reasons I love him. Please do not give up the cats, and I would say if he is cruel to animals why would you even want to be with him? And why are you bending over back wards to please this guy, first you give up the cats, then what?
Hm... I honestly don't think uprooting the cats is the best way to socialize, either... moving a cat anywhere is a bad idea, they have a really hard time relocating even if they're super friendly. I've had one cat out of 6 that could handle leaving the house with any kind of relaxed reaction... and he's rare.
Sticking your kitty in an unfamiliar home probably isn't the best way to start trying to bond them, they're not really like dogs who don't always care where they're hanging out as long as they're getting attention (at least that's how my dogs are lol). Maybe you could try having HIM pet sit at YOUR place for a weekend?
Or maybe I'm misunderstanding.
If you two don't live together yet why worry about giving up one or the other? My now husband said he'd never have cats, which was a pretty big blow to me since I love them, but I didn't have any so it wasn't too big a deal, he was already taking me and my dog. But now we have a cat (just 2 years later lol), so you never know...
Either way I don't think moving the cat somewhere unfamiliar is a good way to start. Even really comfortable cats will often have adjustment periods to new places and a night or two isn't likely to be it. Most at the very least will want to hide and stick to a smaller space for a while... get adjusted to new smells etc.
I'm in solid agreement with Destea... especially that uprooting a cat isn't the best way to get them to bond with someone. My husband and I are going away for a three week vacation in my hometown in France, and we have to give our cat to someone to watch during that time---- and we are not lookign forward to moving him to another temporary home. (We decided we would rather move him to another home than make him ride the plane)
If your BF is nervous around the cats, then they will be nervous around him. Maybe if you let them come to him? I mean, if the two of you aren't living together or getting married yet, then why do we push the two together? This may sound crazy, but in a way, your pets are liek your kids. You can't push them to accept this new person in your life--they have to come around on their own. Maybe let BF feed them...or even just let them see BF put food in their bowl, smile relaxingly at them, and let him be on his way---- not petting them, nothing. Just food in bowl and walk happily away. Frocing them to be pet by a stranger, is, in my opinon, forcing your kids to hug someone they don't know. Just take your time with both of them.
For me it would be a no-brainer as well. I have a dog, and we are a package deal, plain and simple. I'm a dog person, and whomever I get involved with will have to be a dog person too. No way would I ever give my faithful, loving, loyal little hairy son the heave ho for some guy who most likely will end up lying to me, cheating on me and dumping six months down the road anyway.
It may not be that the cat is hating your BF, It probably has more to do with the cat being in a strange home. Then a strange person on top of it was just too much! Cats can freak out over bringing another cat into the house too...things just need to be taken slowly.
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My posts are just my opinion only and are not of a professional nature.
There's no way I would give up my cats for ANY guy! I can't believe you would even consider it!!! Don't you care about them at all? Geez, girl. Something I learned over the years is that my cats have been with me through thick and thin, loyal as can possibly be. The guys I've dated? NOT SO MUCH! Why? Because guys are idiots. They aren't worth ditching your pets whom depend on you and who would remain loyal to you until the day they die, whereas your bf would likely cheat on you given the opportunity.
Definitely ditch the bf. The cats probably don't like him because he's a moron and they can sense it. They know bad people when they meet them. He is a bad person and they are trying to tell you this but you're ignoring them. Stop ignoring them because they are the loyal ones, not your loser boyfriend!
I come from a cat family...been around cats before I was even thought of. So it was always set I would have cats. Then I met my husband and fell in love with a cat hater. I was in college so my precious cat was at home with my family. When we married I told dh no matter what the cat was moving in with us cause I missed her terribly. He said ok but told me not to expect him to love the cat or interact with her. Well I was fine with that. Fastforward about 6 months and I almost hit a kitten with my car and then the car had the nerve to stall out. I got the kitten and put her in the car. As I walked in the door with this little kitten dh swears it isnt staying. Two baths later a soft white kitten is asleep in his lap. He then looks at me and says we will call her Snow. We have had Snow for 12 years now. He loves cats now but it took the right cat to touch his heart. And boy oh boy has she. We currently have 3 cats along witht he rest of our zoo.
The reason I told that is to let you know that even those most die hard cat haters can turn around.
I agree with the others it is a no brainer. The cats stay. Also need to rework your socializing him to them. Get your calmest cat and then invite your bf over for some time at home. Make dinner and watch a movie. With calm cat sit him/her down with you during the movie. Let the cat stay in your lap during this. Dont push him/her off onto him. Take it slow. Let him feed the cats their treats or their food. Get some of his clothes to lay out on your couch or bed. THis way the scent of him is in the house. Get some of the cat toys out and let your bf play with them.
But if it comes down to it please get rid of the guy before you get rid of the cats. Anyone that would make you chose between your pets or them isnt right for you.
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Married 3/25/95
DS 13 yr
DS 8 yr (3+ yrs ttc)
TTC #3 since 01/02
And another thing: Cats fear change. They don't like it. They like as much routine as possible all the time. When you uprooted the cat and put him in a strange place with a strange person, OF COURSE he is going to be upset! Cats do not like their world to be disrupted at all. You have to be way more understanding of their personality and how they are, or else really...I don't even think you deserve to own any cats. It seems like their needs aren't as important to you as this sucky boyfriend of yours. No guy is worth getting rid of your pets. If you do, that says a lot about what kind of person you really are.
I agree with the previous poster and will state again, getting rid of the cats isn't fair to them. And I can bet I can guess what will happen, you will get rid of the cats, they will end up at a shelter, and then once you and this guy breaks up, you will get two new kittens. Not good.
Also, isn't this kind of a deal breaker? I mean, if he doesn't like animals and you do, won't that bug you? It would but me. I love animals, unfortunately, I can only have cats and not dogs. But it brings me to a dating story, I once dated a guy, he was a great guy, we got along great and were attracted and all the rest of it. But he had a big dog. I'm asthmatic, so I can't go into a house with a dog as I have an asthma attack within minutes. So we hung out at my place or out. But, once we realized we really liked each other, we had to have a serious talk. I mean where could this go? I would NEVER expect a guy to give up his pet for me, but health wise I would have asthma attacks being around the dog. So we broke up. It's a shame sure, but this was a deal breaker I guess. You boyfriend isn't even allergic to the cats, he just doesn't like them, and you want to give them up just for him? Like I said before, you shoudln't have to change everything to have a guy, either you guys fit or you don't.
I'd give up the cats. I've never seen one live longer than 5 years. That's a very short term thing to want to keep versus a possible 50 year relationship with your man. Cats have no self awareness and are merely biologic robots. They don't know anything and will forget you in days or weeks.
If you prefer your cats to a man, then you might end up like those poor, sad cat ladies. I know one. She is a stewardess. She's pretty. But she started taking in stray cats and now she has like 20 of them. And she's VERY lonely. Why? Because women who have lots of cats are regarded as crazy and men run from them like they are on fire.
If you're faced between a human and a non sentient animal, always choose the human. You can get more cats if he doesn't work out. It's not like there is any kind of shortage of cats. But good men? You'll be lucky find a two in a life time. I know, I'm a man.
Cats only live 5 years wow like to know what cats you are seeing. I have one asleep at my feet right now been a part of our family for 12 and half years. My grandparents recently lost two cats that lived 20 years. The reason I know they had the cats so long is the came from a litter of kittens from a cat I had as a little girl.
As for cats forgetting after a couple of days sorry doesnt happen. How do I know cause I have a cat who has been moping around this house for 2 and half weeks now cause he misses my husband. I know this cat will continue this pattern for another 2 to 3 weeks cause it is exactly what he did when my husband first left for his time in Korea. This same cat the night we got home from picking up my husband met us at the door and would not leave my husband's side for the first two days he was home for his midtour.
Cats know more than you are giving them credit for. I wish my dh would sign up and vouch for this. He had basically the same ideas as you do about cats. But after Snow came into our lives he saw that cats are much more than just non sentient animals.
I should say that Snow is a deaf cat that we have taught some basic sign language to.
I have watched cats grieve over lost kittens and even lost owners. I have seen cats happily greet their owners when they get home from work. One of my cats will actually pout if he is ignored or doesnt get his favorite treat. This same cat will also pout if he isnt allowed under the covers at night.
As for good men well so far I have had two cross my life and I married the second one even though he had his flaws with cats. Thankfully the right cat corrected that flaw.
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Married 3/25/95
DS 13 yr
DS 8 yr (3+ yrs ttc)
TTC #3 since 01/02
Do Not Give Up Your Cat!!! I grew up with cats my whole life. My very first cat was a Siamese with a mean streak that I absolutely adored, then my grandmother had a tabby for years and years and so it only felt natural that when I got married and set up my own home, that a cat would be part of it. My husband on the other hand, did not want a cat at all. I finally took a stand and told him, I was going to get a cat or we would not be able to live together that's how strongly I felt about it. Long story short, we went to the Humane Society and picked out the cutest kitten ever! He was the only kitten that was NOT trying really, really hard to be noticed so I knew he was the right one for us since we both worked, we needed a cat that had an independent personality. The minute, my husband held the kitten, he was in love. He went out and bought him a bed, litter box, bowls, treats, you name it. On the adoption papers, we both signed, and for years we always joke that if we ever broke up, we would have a custody battle over this cat
Anyway, what I am getting at is that cats have a subtle way of winning people over. They bring a sense of calm and life to a home. It's not just that your BF doesn't like cats that bugs me because a lot of people say that, it's the cats reaction to him. Cats don't just lash out like that unless they feel threatened. Cats tend to have a sense about people, and maybe he's trying to send you a warning about this guy. My cat and I are a package deal and so should yours be.
Here's a little food for thought...cats are gentle, loving creatures that are loyal and like stability. Most people that are drawn to having cats tend to have similar personality traits. On the flip side, people who like pitbulls and train them to attack, are usually confrontational and domineering. My point is, the pets we choose often fit our personalities so what does this say about your BF?
Just a thought...
I personally wouldn't want anything at all to do with a man who didn't have a fondness for companion animals. I don't trust people who don't like or appreciate companion animals and don't understand what a gift and a wonder they are. It rather denotes a serious lack of sensitivity, awareness, depth, soul, caring and compassion. Don't want anything to do with anyone with no sensitivity, depth, soul or compassion. Ghandi was a great, wise man and he said you can judge a nation's (or I believe a person's) wisdom by how kind they are to its animals. I agree with that 110&. Some people are astounded that a person would actually pick an animal over another human. I'm astounded that someone would actually think that just becaus they happen to be human, that means they automatically get a free pass and they are automatically entitled to all my love and loyalty above an animal who is by my side and there when I get home and loves me no matter what I do. One has to earn love and loyalty. My dog has.
Last edited by Administrator; 06-13-2010 at 07:02 PM.
And she's VERY lonely. Why? Because women who have lots of cats are regarded as crazy and men run from them like they are on fire.
That is the most rediculous thing I've ever heard. Obviously you are one who thinks of animals as disposible. That's why people like me have to step up and volunteer to take care of all the cats that are abandoned. I do foster care for cats that people like you have left behind because they were of no use anymore, so at times I have had lots of cats at my house. My husband doesn't think I'm a crazy cat lady, in fact he likes that I"m loyal to animals and help them. And if when I started dating my husband, he had said get rid of the cats, I would have told him to take a flying leap and not dated him. And no, they don't only life to be 5, my last cat I had lived to be 20. I rescued her from someone like you when she was 3 so I had her for 17 years. And no, they aren't robots, they are living things. My cat knows her name, comes when called, follows me around, and wants to constantly cuddle. And I'm so bothered by the attitude that says just get more cats if it doesn't work out. So you abandon your cats, the spca or a rescue place takes them and the spca no doubt would have to put them down becuase there are too many of them, and they you go get two new cute kittens once your guy leave you, and it all happens again and again and again. This is why some people just shoudln't have animals. I'm going to stop now because I'm getting angrier and angrier just writing this.
I'd try to have your cats bond with him for a while. They both need to come to an understanding. I dont think I would have left the cats with him to bond b/c they are in an uncomftorable situation. It should be a gradual thing not so sudden as to leave them alone with him. I personally would never get rid of my pet. They will love you unconditionally forever! They are comforting and maybe if they don't like him there is a reason? Sometimes I think they have a sixth sense about things. Hope it all works out in the end!!
Sometimes I think they have a sixth sense about things. Hope it all works out in the end!!
Oh absolutely they do!! It's been documented time and time and time again how they can tell when their master is about to have a heart attack or a seizure. And there was a cat that was all over the news not too long ago called Oscar who lived in a nursing home and would sit with a patient and wouldn't leave their side and within a day or so, that patient woudl die. He knew who was about to die and stayed to offer them comfort and companionship in their last hours. Does that sound like an unaware robot to you?? Nope.
But I do agree it comes down to animal people and non animal people. They just shouldn't date each other. Yes, and amen to Jennie, and thanks for the good work you do for homeless animals. Yes, is the op is going to get rid of her companion animals every time a guy comes along who "can't deal" with them, and 4 months later he's gone anyway, then she shouldn't have pets at all. It's not fair to treat them like disposable inanimate objects. If you do get rid of them to appease this guy, and if/when this guy leaves, PLEASE do not get anymore pets.
Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 11-11-2007 at 10:20 AM.
