Dear God! There are times when I read these boards and think to myself: "You've nothing to worry about Laylah - at least things aren't that bad"! This is one of those times, and about all I can think of to say is - Dear God!
Just get out the pair of you. Clearly both of your men are bisexual and to be honest Kylee in your case honey that sounds like the least of your problems. And also Kylee, I wouldn't be taking any of that 'the anus in the male g-spot' nonsense as an excuse. I apologise for my candor, but it doesn't take a penis to stimulate the prostate gland.
Last edited by Laylah; 11-26-2007 at 12:53 PM.
Reason: thought it might be an idea to actually add some advice!
I Am Very Happy To Report That I Have, Since My First Post, Took The Overwhelming Advice From Most Of The Posts And Dumped Him. I Am Very, Very Relieved...thanks To All!
I'm very glad to hear it Anajdlee, good for you. Here's to hoping Kylee follows your example.
What did he say when you told him he was in the rear view mirror? Did you tell him it was because of his escapades? Call me nosy, but I'm dying to hear what he had to say for himself!
Last edited by Laylah; 11-26-2007 at 03:31 PM.
Reason: misspelling
I usually agree with the advice given here, but I feel like I stepped into another dimension with this thread. How is this really different than him saying that he had a few night stands with women he met at a club six months ago? The risk for disease is the same. Being bisexual doesn't make a person any more likely to run off and cheat.
As for the belief that more than five times is a lifestyle choice, that's ridiculous. I have more lesbian experiences under my belt than sexual experience with men, but that doesn't make me a lesbian. Sexual orientation isn't so clearly defined for everyone that one night clears it all. Some people experiment for years.
I suppose that what was meant to happen happened, though. I'm sure he'll find a more accepting and open-minded person to be with. I applaud him for being so honest and open.
I'm sure he'll find a more accepting and open-minded person to be with. I applaud him for being so honest and open.
I would also credit him for his having told the OP about his past experiences Layla333, but I think that that's where the honesty ended. He's not being honest with himself, never mind her, since he maintains he is not bisexual but rather "bi-curious". I'm sorry, but a man who's had almost half a dozen male sexual partners is not bi-curious; he's bisexual and in a deep state of denial. Why should she share in his confusion and take it on as a part of her own intimate life? Why should she accept in a partner what is unacceptable to her? In the name of tolerance? And if tolerance is so fundamental, where, in that equation, is the tolerance for her own thoughts, views and feelings? Is she not entitled to those? Or does 'acceptance' and 'open mindedness' strip her of them?
The world has gone PC mad, but lets face it; most heterosexual women do not want to conduct relationships with bisexual men. My sons godmother is a lesbian and has been a close friend of mine for over seventeen years. Another very close friend of mine has two teenaged homosexual sons. I'm a long way from being a homophobe, but there's just no way I'd even consider a relationship with a bi-sexual man. Being accepting and open minded does not dictate that we should give up our personal autonomy, and a big part of self-governance is having the right to choose who we invite into the most intimate facets of our lives.
Well, I've had to amend some things after re-reading ana's later posts.
I do maintain that there seems to be some confusion here about the definition of bisexuality. Being able to enjoy sex with the same gender is not the same as having a genuine preference or interest. When one is young and comfortable and randy sex is, in general, enjoyable. Hetero people often engage in mutual masturbation with same-sex friends when young, experiment, or have gay fantasies all the time, and despite that would never consider settling down with someone of the same sex or engaging in that behavior long-term.
For all the world, it looked to me like that was the case from her first post. But when she started talking about three-somes, that's different, and that's very scary when you aren't expecting it or desiring it from your partner. My sister was in a long-term relationship with a guy that had that fantasy and it was horrible for her. She'd come home to find strange men in her house that were apparently waiting to sleep with her and...oh, I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
In light of that, I feel better for Ana that she got rid of him. Yes, run far the hell away from that. I still don't understand the "ick" reaction most of you seem to be having, though. It's always been my understanding that no one is 100% straight and...I just don't see how it matters.
Hi Layla333; I don't want you to think I'm hopping all over you or anything, I just wanted to respond to some portions of your post here. Firstly, yes, I will hold my hand up to an 'ick' reaction on my part here, but only when it comes to the point of a lovers area of sexual activity and interest; as far as the rest of the population of the world goes, I simply couldn't give a toss. To be 100% frank on the issue, and to put it as least crudely as I can; I am seriously turned off by the idea of having intimate sexual contact with a penis which was at any point inserted into another mans anus. That is how I feel and I have no apologies to make for it. I'd be willing to bet it is the majority feeling among heterosexual females. Above all that though, and I'm being 100% honest here, what would turn me off even more is that in the OP's case her partner wasn't even admitting to his own bi-sexuality. (and that was the basis of my advice for her to leave; if he'd told her outright that he was bi I'd have simply advised her to either stay or go depending on her own ability to accept that) If a man told me he'd had five male sexual partners and still maintained he was "be-curious" () I'd be thinking he had some serious growing up to do. I'd be disrespectful of his stage of mental maturity and his capacity for self-evaluation, and also his powers of honesty and logic, directed both inwards and outwards, and that in itself would exclude him from the remit of pleasing partner material for me.
Also, you said that:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Layla333
Being able to enjoy sex with the same gender is not the same as having a genuine preference or interest.
I don't agree with all of this Layla333; true, being able to enjoy sex with the same gender doesn't denote preference of one gender over the other, but it certainly denotes interest. How can anybody have sex with the same gender as themselves and then claim to have no interest in homosexual sex? That defies logic; it's the same as my saying I have sex with the opposite gender, but then attempting to claim I have displayed no interest in heterosexual sex!
I do agree with you in that sexuality is (at least for some people) more fluid than a lot of others imagine, but I don't go along with the ever more common beleif that "no one is 100% straight". I've heard that said many times and I really don't know where it comes from, but I suspect it is indulged in because it comforts some people to believe that. It does annoy me to a degree and I think I've a right to my annoyance; I know if I said to one of the confirmed gays in my life: "No one is a 100% gay" I'd be very sharply told where to go, and I think I'd deserve to be.
To be 100% frank on the issue, and to put it as least crudely as I can; I am seriously turned off by the idea of having intimate sexual contact with a penis which was at any point inserted into another mans anus. That is how I feel and I have no apologies to make for it.
Personally, I think a vagina is a far ickier and more personal a thing than an anus. We'll have to disagree there. Truthfully, I'm one of those girls that find the thought of sex between men to be a turn on. I know we're not as common as our counterparts, the lesbian-loving men, but we've got some numbers. Neither of us have to apologize for how we feel, agreed.
Quote:
I don't agree with all of this Layla333; true, being able to enjoy sex with the same gender doesn't denote preference of one gender over the other, but it certainly denotes interest. How can anybody have sex with the same gender as themselves and then claim to have no interest in homosexual sex? That defies logic; it's the same as my saying I have sex with the opposite gender, but then attempting to claim I have displayed no interest in heterosexual sex!
A temporary interest doesn't amount to the same thing as a lifelong interest and a committment to the employment of that interest, though, which is probably the best example of the boundary between bicuriosity and bisexuality. There are women that experiment with lesbianism for a few years and then never go back. In fact, it's such a common phenomena among high school and college girls that I rarely take such self-proclaimed lesbians seriously until they're in their mid-twenties and have proven that their experimentation was more than that. There's no magic number of people you have to sleep with for experimentation to prove sexuality one way or the other. It takes as long as it takes to figure it out.
Obviously, we're coming from different places. I'm guessing you'd never consider questioning your sexuality, while I did a good bit of that a few years ago. I had to do some soul searching and came to the conclusion that though I could probably enjoy women on a physical level, it just wasn't the same as the mental and physical attraction I had for men. I do not crave a woman's touch, do not think about them, adore them, or idealize feminine beauty the way I do crave, adore and idealize men and male beauty. In other words, I could have sex with women in an empty relationship (if I were the sort to have one night-stands, which I'm not) but it just isn't something I need or that I'm after or that could ever lead to a fulfilling relationship, sexually or emotionally. I do consider myself a straight woman with, as you put it, a more fluid sexuality, but not a true bisexual. In my mind, a bisexual has an enduring and strong desire for and could engage in a satsifying, full relationship with either sex.
So, on that note, I could easily identify with the original statement of having done it and decided that it wasn't something that needed to be done again, and could recognize the existence of physical attraction without enduring desire or real interest.
I know we won't agree on this subject, but I'm satisfied with both of us having given our perspectives.
You know another thing that bothers me on this whole issue? I was driving home in my car about an hour ago and I got to thinking about this thread and another one that I contributed to on a different site about two years ago; I had made the statement on that other thread that my sexual preference was for heterosexual males and the conversation got onto sexuality and discrimination/prejudice etc, and I was accused of being homophobic because I'd stated I wouldn't consider having a relationship with a bisexual male! I made a point then that I'd like to repeat here:
I once met a gay female, and friend of my sons godmother, who told me during a pub conversation that she wouldn't consider having a relationship with a bisexual female. I got where she was coming from immediatly and as far as I was concerned she was more than entitled to set that parameter in her own life; but the gas thing is, I cannot imagine anyone accusing her of being a heterophobe because of it!
I think liberalism has been taken several steps too far in many parts of the western world; it's often not even acceptable to state your own sexual preference for fear of offending somebody! I mean, come on! Christ on his throne! (that was for you StenoLady, lol) Seriously, for real, if it is ok for a homosexual person to state they are inclined to sleep with people of their own gender, then it is ok for me to state I am inclined to sleep with people of my own sexual orientation i.e. heterosexual males.
I usually agree with the advice given here, but I feel like I stepped into another dimension with this thread. How is this really different than him saying that he had a few night stands with women he met at a club six months ago? The risk for disease is the same. Being bisexual doesn't make a person any more likely to run off and cheat.
As for the belief that more than five times is a lifestyle choice, that's ridiculous. I have more lesbian experiences under my belt than sexual experience with men, but that doesn't make me a lesbian. Sexual orientation isn't so clearly defined for everyone that one night clears it all. Some people experiment for years.
I suppose that what was meant to happen happened, though. I'm sure he'll find a more accepting and open-minded person to be with. I applaud him for being so honest and open.
I know exactly what you mean! I feel sorry for the poor guy.
Eh, don't turn it into that. In my own experience, people that say things are "too PC" and that "liberalism has gone too far" are those that think homosexuality is a stone's throw away from pedophilia and every other evil of the world, that valuing women means devaluing men, that promoting black culture means the destruction of white culture, etc. I know you're not saying that, which is my point--this isn't that thread.
Also, keep in mind... Maybe people wouldn't accuse your friend of being a heterophobe, but at the same time, people haven't been murdering and oppressing heterosexuals for thousands of years. You won't get beaten up in school for being straight. It seems petty to me to think it's so unfair if now and then you get accused of being intolerant while people are still being dragged from stores and beaten to death. Believe me, your heterosexuality is not being threatened. You have the majority of the world on your side.
A temporary interest doesn't amount to the same thing as a lifelong interest and a committment to the employment of that interest, though, which is probably the best example of the boundary between bicuriosity and bisexuality. There are women that experiment with lesbianism for a few years and then never go back.
You know, I hadn't noticed that your last post was yours Layla333, I thought it was mine, since our names are so similar (great minds think alike ) In reference to the above quote, I wouldn't agree with that as a barometer of the difference between bi-curiosity and bisexuality. To be curious is to be eager to experience something; therefore, I cannot be curious as to what pepperoni pizza tastes like; I've had that in my mouth a time or two, so I know what it tastes like. I knew after the very first time, and every time I ate it after that it was because I knew what it tasted like, knew I enjoyed it, and was in the mood of some more. Sex is no different as far as I'm concerned, though I understand there are many people who genuinely think so and others who seem to prefer to think so.
In fact, bisexuality is the only single experience I've ever in my entire life heard described as something that can be experienced and re-experienced time and time again and yet the person experiencing it is somehow still considered to remain within the remit of 'curiosity'! I'm sorry, but curious about what? That does not make logical sense to me. It's the sexual equivalent of me buying a new pair of white shoes every week on the back of a curiosity as to whether white shoes might suit me. If I told you that's what I was at every week, wouldn't you think I was a bit mental?! I bet you would, and it wouldn't be because I was buying white shoes every week; it'd be because I felt justified in saying I was still 'curious' about them after having regularly had white shoes on my feet week in, week out.
I'm sorry, I know we do not agree here, but I have always felt that that never ending 'curiosity' re bi-curiosity/bisexuality was a cop out for people who were unready or unwilling to admit to themselves that, at the very least, they were living a bi-sexual lifestyle at that time. No, it doesn't mean to say a person will be practice bisexuality in their longterm future, as you point out; but it doesn't change the facts as they exist in the present either.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Layla333
I know we won't agree on this subject, but I'm satisfied with both of us having given our perspectives.
Eh, don't turn it into that. In my own experience, people that say things are "too PC" and that "liberalism has gone too far" are those that think homosexuality is a stone's throw away from pedophilia and every other evil of the world, that valuing women means devaluing men, that promoting black culture means the destruction of white culture, etc. I know you're not saying that, which is my point--this isn't that thread.
Also, keep in mind... Maybe people wouldn't accuse your friend of being a heterophobe, but at the same time, people haven't been murdering and oppressing heterosexuals for thousands of years. You won't get beaten up in school for being straight. It seems petty to me to think it's so unfair if now and then you get accused of being intolerant while people are still being dragged from stores and beaten to death. Believe me, your heterosexuality is not being threatened. You have the majority of the world on your side.
Wow! Our posts have crossed over and you were obviously writing that as I was writing mine. I don't know why you'd want to take the thread in that direction. My point was simply this: I have a right to state that my sexual preference is for heterosexual males, and I have a right to practice the sexual preference that is naturally inherent to me without being referred to in derogatory terms, just as any gay person does.
It's the sexual equivalent of me buying a new pair of white shoes every week on the back of a curiosity as to whether white shoes might suit me. If I told you that's what I was at every week, wouldn't you think I was a bit mental?!
Well, following the white shoes example, would a single pair of shoes really give you an idea of everything you needed to know about how you look in white shoes? Or what if you decide that you like them enough, but after a few weeks you come to the conclusion that they just aren't you?
Quote:
Wow! Our posts have crossed over and you were obviously writing that as I was writing mine. I don't know why you'd want to take the thread in that direction. My point was simply this: I have a right to state that my sexual preference is for heterosexual males, and I have a right to practice the sexual preference that is naturally inherent to me without being referred to in derogatory terms, just as any gay person does.
Lol! I don't want to take it there, that was my point. I think you were responding to an attitude you don't like that you've encountered elsewhere and likewise your response brought up a lot more of what I've encountered elsewhere. You do have a right to your sexual preference, whatever it is! I certainly won't argue that. My original, "Man, what's wrong with you people!?" attitude had more to do with this guy's treatment as some kind of loose, sex-craving monster, which it turns out he was! I should formally retract that and apologize.
Well, following the white shoes example, would a single pair of shoes really give you an idea of everything you needed to know about how you look in white shoes?
I'd know at a glance whether their colour suited me (which I'll equate to sexual gender) and, having decided upon that important point, assuming I felt it did, I'd then start wondering about different shoe styles (which I'll equate to the individual personalities of prospective same-sex partners) - My point being, if I wasn't happy with the colour I wouldn't get as far as considering different styles i.e. if being sexually intimate with women wasn't something I enjoyed I'd hardly be likely to go looking around for future individual females to continue on my bi-curious quest.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Layla333
Or what if you decide that you like them enough, but after a few weeks you come to the conclusion that they just aren't you?
Then I'd get rid of the shoes, lol; but I cant imagine a situation where I was walking down the street in my fifth pair of new white shoes while proudly proclaiming to the world that I was not a wearer of white shoes, ha ha.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Layla333
You do have a right to your sexual preference, whatever it is! I certainly won't argue that.
Thank you; my point is that many people do actually expect me to apologise, and it bothers me Layla333, and I don't think it's "petty" that I ought to be annoyed by being tarred as intolerant because of it. I think people should cop on and afford me the same right that liberalism now dictates ought be afforded to gays. Liberalism, as far as I can see, is often anything but liberal. It is liberal depending upon what direction it's pointed, and in the cases where that is true, it is undeserving of its name.
To those who were curious about how things went with me telling my "friend" that I didn't want to pursue a relationship with him....He was very gracious about it. He said he understood why I needed to end it and was sorry that I chose to do so. He said that he truly had feelings for me, however after my reaction he said he felt like he lost some feelings for me. Meaning to say that if he did love me he doesn't anymore. I guess he expected me to take it with a grain of salt and that life would continue as usual. Unfortunatley for him, he picked the wrong person to tell. I will leave saying this...some secrets should remain in the closet.
Last edited by anajdlee1964; 11-29-2007 at 11:09 AM.
Reason: duplicate
To those who were curious about how things went with me telling my "friend" that I didn't want to pursue a relationship with him....He was very gracious about it. He said he understood why I needed to end it and was sorry that I chose to do so. He said that he truly had feelings for me, however after my reaction he said he felt like he lost some feelings for me. Meaning to say that if he did love me he doesn't anymore. I guess he expected me to take it with a grain of salt and that life would continue as usual. Unfortunatley for him, he picked the wrong person to tell. I will leave saying this...some secrets should remain in the closet.
I will leave saying this...some secrets should remain in the closet.
Well, I'm glad that you were honest with him and now both of you will be able to move on to more appropriate partners. However, do you really wish that he would have kept it a secret?
One of my ex-boyfriends, after we dated on and off for nearly nine months, confessed to me that he was a crossdresser. I tried to be cool about it, because I really don't care what people do, but the truth was that it made me lose all attraction to him, and I was angry that he kept something like this secret for so long. I understand it's not an easy thing to confess...but it still felt like a betrayal.
My other, most recent ex is bi-sexual. I know it's hypocritical - I find it hot to watch two guys together, but I don't think I could really be attracted to a guy who is bi-sexual. It took me awhile to realize that he was. He tried to use me to get to other guys, like he would want me to seduce them, and then bring the guy to him. In a way it kind of creeped me out.
So I think things worked out the best for you, and like I said before now you can both move on and find partners that are better for each of you.
__________________
The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~
To those who were curious about how things went with me telling my "friend" that I didn't want to pursue a relationship with him....He was very gracious about it. He said he understood why I needed to end it and was sorry that I chose to do so. He said that he truly had feelings for me, however after my reaction he said he felt like he lost some feelings for me. Meaning to say that if he did love me he doesn't anymore.
In other words he's attempting to punish you by declaring you unlovable because you're not attracted to the reality of his bisexuality. There's another reason to leave, as if you needed one. You did the right thing for you Anajdlee.
He tried to use me to get to other guys, like he would want me to seduce them, and then bring the guy to him. In a way it kind of creeped me out.
Eh, that would creep me out too Gypsy, in a plethora of ways!
I think I would have different reactions depending on how a man approached discussing his bisexuality with me. It’s not that I would be a total cow about it all across the board. What I’m saying is, if a prospective partner came to me and said (as the OP's did, in so many words): “I’ve had five male sexual partners, but I’m not bi-sexual, I’m just bi-curious”. I’d say: “Hold up, cop on, and start telling the truth to yourself; because as you’ve demonstrated here in fine style, if you are not capable of being honest with yourself, there’s no way you’re going to be capable of being honest with me”.
I’d have a different attitude towards a man, and approach the conversation in an entirely different way, if he were to say: “I’ve had five male sexual partners and I’m not sure if I’m bisexual or bi-curious”. You see, to me, the second statement denotes the willingness to probe ones own inclinations, whereas the first simply denotes denial.
If another man were to say: “I’ve had five male sexual partners and I’m as bi as they come – I like my bread buttered on both sides”! I’d probably laugh and say: “Good for you, good luck with that, goodbye”.
In none of the above cases would these men be partner material suited to me, but I’d have a hell of a lot more respect for the men who made the second and third statements. (Then no doubt I’d go off and try to figure out why I’d attracted three bisexual men, lol)
) I'd be thinking he had some serious growing up to do. I'd be disrespectful of his stage of mental maturity and his capacity for self-evaluation, and also his powers of honesty and logic, directed both inwards and outwards, and that in itself would exclude him from the remit of pleasing partner material for me.
) In reference to the above quote, I wouldn't agree with that as a barometer of the difference between bi-curiosity and bisexuality. To be curious is to be eager to experience something; therefore, I cannot be curious as to what pepperoni pizza tastes like; I've had that in my mouth a time or two, so I know what it tastes like. I knew after the very first time, and every time I ate it after that it was because I knew what it tasted like, knew I enjoyed it, and was in the mood of some more. Sex is no different as far as I'm concerned, though I understand there are many people who genuinely think so and others who seem to prefer to think so.
