HealthBoards

HealthBoards (http://www.healthboards.com/boards/)
-   Relationship Health (http://www.healthboards.com/boards/relationship-health/)
-   -   Bi Curious Boyfriend (http://www.healthboards.com/boards/relationship-health/550326-bi-curious-boyfriend.html)

anajdlee1964 11-05-2007 02:53 PM

Bi Curious Boyfriend
 
I have been in a relationship with a man for about 2 months and I have grown to love him immensely. Yesterday he told me that he has, as recently as 6 months ago, been engaged in oral/non-penetrating sex with men he met through certain clubs. Needless to say, I was and am at a loss for words. I do not know how to handle this. He tells me that he is not gay; he was curious. After questioning him over and over again, he told me that he has had about 6 partners. He said it is not something he needs to do. He wanted to try it and did. He didn't hate it. It was ok to him. Although he said it is not something he needs to continue to do.

I am hurt, crushed, surprised and horrified. I do not know who to turn to about this. I love him so much and the thought of not having him in my life is killing me. HOWEVER, the thought of him doing that with men is killing me.

Please, if you can give me any help on this I would appreciate it. I am a healthy, active woman who feels as if my heart is being ripped out of my chest.

Thanks for any OBJECTIVE advice.

Thanks.

rosequartz 11-05-2007 02:57 PM

Re: Bi Curious Boyfriend
 
I'd cut him loose and let him pursue all the internet men his little heart desires.....
I wouldn't touch him with a 10 foot pole after that disclosure.....who knows what he may have caught.

Seraph 11-05-2007 03:27 PM

Re: Bi Curious Boyfriend
 
ONCE is curiosity - five times is a lifestyle choice. You cannot trust this man not to get "curious" again. Move on, save yourself the misery and the health risks. Sera

CyberNick 11-05-2007 03:46 PM

Re: Bi Curious Boyfriend
 
It just depends on your values and what you expect from a partner. If you can't deal with his questionable past actions... then you need to get out as soon as possible and not waste your time trying to accept something that you never will. I don't think I know of one woman who would seriously stay with a man after that type of disclosure, but to each their own. Like Seraph said, once or twice is curious. For it to happen on five seperate occasions seems to be a bit more than curiosity.

pendulum 11-05-2007 04:58 PM

Re: Bi Curious Boyfriend
 
[QUOTE=anajdlee1964;3292750]...

Thanks for any OBJECTIVE advice.

Thanks.[/QUOTE]

What puzzles me is this man's openness and sincerity. Why on earth did he tell you about those events? You didn't find out anything and confronted him, but he spontaneously talked about it.

What also puzzles me is the number of times he engaged in the deed if he describes himself only as curious. Why did he have to try so many times to satisfy his curiosity? Did he satisfy it at last? And why did he run the risk of doing it with men on the internet? Ok, he did it before he met you, but who knows he got some disease from those encounters? Did he have any test to ensure that he's still health?

This is all very contradictory. Your bewilderment is perfectly understandable.

You want some advice? Difficult to say what. My first idea is run away. But wouldn't that be indelicate? Deny it as you may, he was honest and straightforward. Why should you dump him immediately? As if he were the plague?

On the other hand, yes, he exposed you to some real risk, and this is difficult to overlook. But again he probably ignored how great the risks of spreading disease to you could be.

Why don't you spend some time away from him so as to sort out your feelings? Go to meet your friends, busy yourself with other people and things, etc... certainly time will tell you what to do. Two months is not a very long period of time. You hardly know him well. If you make your mind to part, you will soon get over it, as you are an active person.

Larrylou'smom 11-05-2007 07:12 PM

Re: Bi Curious Boyfriend
 
Well, I'm wondering how many other lovers he would have revealed if you'd questioned him for two, or three hours instead of one.

I have to agree, once, MAYBE twice is curious. Five times, that you know of, is more than curiousity. The thing is, you have no way of knowing if he's being totally honest with you or if he's holding back, you have no way of knowing for sure if or when he'll be done being "curious" and waht else he will do to satisify his curiosity. One day he may want to kiss men, may want to do more out of "curiosity."

You need to decide, as objectively as you can, where YOUR line is drawn. What you will and won't put up with, what kind of man you want and what standards of behavior will you accept and which ones you won't. You can love him all you want, but that doesn't mean he's a good fit for you in the long run.

brook65 11-06-2007 05:05 AM

Re: Bi Curious Boyfriend
 
[QUOTE=Seraph;3292799]ONCE is curiosity - five times is a lifestyle choice. You cannot trust this man not to get "curious" again. Move on, save yourself the misery and the health risks. Sera[/QUOTE]

I agree once is CURIOUS four extra times, is going back for more.

I'm sorry but it sounds like your not the type of person who can live with this. I will say though that it is good that your boyfreind told you about these encounters, as if it had slipped out a few years down the line, then that would of made it even harder to know what to do.

Only you can deceide what's best for you to do, I know what I'd do:(

happymom28 11-06-2007 05:52 AM

Re: Bi Curious Boyfriend
 
[QUOTE=Seraph;3292799]ONCE is curiosity - five times is a lifestyle choice. You cannot trust this man not to get "curious" again.[/QUOTE]

My thoughts exactly OP. No he may not be "gay", but he sure as heck isn't "curious". He is bisexual and obviously too ashamed to admit it.

Only you can decide what is best for you. The thing that concerns me is what if he decides to meet up with another "internet man" for some oral again? Would he consider this cheating on you or will he excuse it as curiousity. This would be something that would eat at me. It would be different if he could just be honest with you, but that's impossible when he isn't even being honest with himself.

amy2705 11-06-2007 06:51 AM

Re: Bi Curious Boyfriend
 
[QUOTE=Seraph;3292799]ONCE is curiosity - five times is a lifestyle choice. You cannot trust this man not to get "curious" again. Move on, save yourself the misery and the health risks. Sera[/QUOTE]

Couldn't agree more. Your bf is not "curious" - the first time he was curious, the next four times were because he liked it. Your bf is bisexual. He's into guys. If that's okay with you, then great. But I think you've got a bigger problem.

Regardless of whether his partners are male or female, he likes to meet random, unknown people on the internet for one time sexual encounters. So far, he's done this five times (that you know of). Are you sure you want to be with a guy who trolls the internet looking for random sexual encounters with strangers?? I wouldn't. THAT is the lifestyle choice I couldn't live with ... even if I was ok with a bf being bi-sexual.

One thing to keep in mind for your own safety is that he might not be having penetrative sex with men, but don't underestimate the variety of nastiness you can get or pass on from oral. And he's not engaging in oral sex with a known partner - these are multiple random people also into meeting strangers on the internet for hookups. Pretty high-risk IMO.

sammyboy22 11-06-2007 07:20 PM

Re: Bi Curious Boyfriend
 
I have to agree with most of the replies here that 5 times does seem like more that just a curiosity type of thing. I think your lucky you found this out at 2 months into the relationship instead of 2 years.

-Sam

summer1979 11-06-2007 07:44 PM

Re: Bi Curious Boyfriend
 
[FONT="Georgia"][COLOR="Blue"][B][SIZE="3"]There is a saying that ONE is enough TWO is too much... How about FIVE??? He choose to go to that level because "maybe" the first time he tried it, it gave him the satisfaction that he wants.

You knew him for 2 months only and yet he made you shocked and so surprised... what about another two months of being with him???

Decide what you think the best for you. If you think you can't live and be with a man that you can't trust and who engage in this kind of activities... move on.
[/B][/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE]

mollypolly07 11-06-2007 09:11 PM

Re: Bi Curious Boyfriend
 
This is a really tough one. Even after being with my boy for 3 years, I don't think I'd be okay with him "experimenting" with other men. It would change my perspective of him completely. not that I'm homophobic by any means, I just don't think I could be in a relationship with someone who was experimenting with their sexuality. But this is all a matter of if you are able to accept this or not. If not, you need to cut this guy lose. If you think he is worth it and you can move past it, then you should try to do so. You have to give him credit for being honest with you, that means that he trusts you and cares about you. good luck to you!

Kylee06 11-13-2007 12:03 AM

Re: Bi Curious Boyfriend
 
I was wondering if he has asked you if you would like to have another person involved(Male)?
I know how you feel. when my partner told me his curious thoughts I felt the same way.,but what kills me is we hardly ever make love and when he decides to want to have sex that is all he talks about during the whole thing and ican't help but to cry.

anajdlee1964 11-13-2007 06:37 AM

Re: Bi Curious Boyfriend
 
He asked me if I would be interested in experimenting with this type of sex. At this point in my relationship with him I do NOT think I am interested in doing this. We haven't even had sex yet and I don't think I want to bring someone else into it. I am not sure what the issue is with us not being able to have intercourse...but I have my ideas......

dma11663 11-13-2007 07:00 AM

Re: Bi Curious Boyfriend
 
Listen, you are not at a health risk if you didn't have sex yet. You really should take a step back and look at the picture. He is bi-sexual period. He now wants to bring you into this 2 men and you? Honey.....you deserve better than that please move on and consider yourself first.


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:55 AM.