Bi Curious Boyfriend
 

I have been in a relationship with a man for about 2 months and I have grown to love him immensely. Yesterday he told me that he has, as recently as 6 months ago, been engaged in oral/non-penetrating sex with men he met through certain clubs. Needless to say, I was and am at a loss for words. I do not know how to handle this. He tells me that he is not gay; he was curious. After questioning him over and over again, he told me that he has had about 6 partners. He said it is not something he needs to do. He wanted to try it and did. He didn't hate it. It was ok to him. Although he said it is not something he needs to continue to do.

I am hurt, crushed, surprised and horrified. I do not know who to turn to about this. I love him so much and the thought of not having him in my life is killing me. HOWEVER, the thought of him doing that with men is killing me.

Please, if you can give me any help on this I would appreciate it. I am a healthy, active woman who feels as if my heart is being ripped out of my chest.

Thanks for any OBJECTIVE advice.

Thanks.

Re: Bi Curious Boyfriend
 

I'd cut him loose and let him pursue all the internet men his little heart desires.....
I wouldn't touch him with a 10 foot pole after that disclosure.....who knows what he may have caught.

Re: Bi Curious Boyfriend
 

ONCE is curiosity - five times is a lifestyle choice. You cannot trust this man not to get "curious" again. Move on, save yourself the misery and the health risks. Sera

Re: Bi Curious Boyfriend
 

It just depends on your values and what you expect from a partner. If you can't deal with his questionable past actions... then you need to get out as soon as possible and not waste your time trying to accept something that you never will. I don't think I know of one woman who would seriously stay with a man after that type of disclosure, but to each their own. Like Seraph said, once or twice is curious. For it to happen on five seperate occasions seems to be a bit more than curiosity.

Re: Bi Curious Boyfriend
 

[QUOTE=anajdlee1964;3292750]...

Thanks for any OBJECTIVE advice.

Thanks.[/QUOTE]

What puzzles me is this man's openness and sincerity. Why on earth did he tell you about those events? You didn't find out anything and confronted him, but he spontaneously talked about it.

What also puzzles me is the number of times he engaged in the deed if he describes himself only as curious. Why did he have to try so many times to satisfy his curiosity? Did he satisfy it at last? And why did he run the risk of doing it with men on the internet? Ok, he did it before he met you, but who knows he got some disease from those encounters? Did he have any test to ensure that he's still health?

This is all very contradictory. Your bewilderment is perfectly understandable.

You want some advice? Difficult to say what. My first idea is run away. But wouldn't that be indelicate? Deny it as you may, he was honest and straightforward. Why should you dump him immediately? As if he were the plague?

On the other hand, yes, he exposed you to some real risk, and this is difficult to overlook. But again he probably ignored how great the risks of spreading disease to you could be.

Why don't you spend some time away from him so as to sort out your feelings? Go to meet your friends, busy yourself with other people and things, etc... certainly time will tell you what to do. Two months is not a very long period of time. You hardly know him well. If you make your mind to part, you will soon get over it, as you are an active person.

Re: Bi Curious Boyfriend
 

Well, I'm wondering how many other lovers he would have revealed if you'd questioned him for two, or three hours instead of one.

I have to agree, once, MAYBE twice is curious. Five times, that you know of, is more than curiousity. The thing is, you have no way of knowing if he's being totally honest with you or if he's holding back, you have no way of knowing for sure if or when he'll be done being "curious" and waht else he will do to satisify his curiosity. One day he may want to kiss men, may want to do more out of "curiosity."

You need to decide, as objectively as you can, where YOUR line is drawn. What you will and won't put up with, what kind of man you want and what standards of behavior will you accept and which ones you won't. You can love him all you want, but that doesn't mean he's a good fit for you in the long run.

Re: Bi Curious Boyfriend
 

[QUOTE=Seraph;3292799]ONCE is curiosity - five times is a lifestyle choice. You cannot trust this man not to get "curious" again. Move on, save yourself the misery and the health risks. Sera[/QUOTE]

I agree once is CURIOUS four extra times, is going back for more.

I'm sorry but it sounds like your not the type of person who can live with this. I will say though that it is good that your boyfreind told you about these encounters, as if it had slipped out a few years down the line, then that would of made it even harder to know what to do.

Only you can deceide what's best for you to do, I know what I'd do:(

Re: Bi Curious Boyfriend
 

[QUOTE=Seraph;3292799]ONCE is curiosity - five times is a lifestyle choice. You cannot trust this man not to get "curious" again.[/QUOTE]

My thoughts exactly OP. No he may not be "gay", but he sure as heck isn't "curious". He is bisexual and obviously too ashamed to admit it.

Only you can decide what is best for you. The thing that concerns me is what if he decides to meet up with another "internet man" for some oral again? Would he consider this cheating on you or will he excuse it as curiousity. This would be something that would eat at me. It would be different if he could just be honest with you, but that's impossible when he isn't even being honest with himself.

Re: Bi Curious Boyfriend
 

[QUOTE=Seraph;3292799]ONCE is curiosity - five times is a lifestyle choice. You cannot trust this man not to get "curious" again. Move on, save yourself the misery and the health risks. Sera[/QUOTE]

Couldn't agree more. Your bf is not "curious" - the first time he was curious, the next four times were because he liked it. Your bf is bisexual. He's into guys. If that's okay with you, then great. But I think you've got a bigger problem.

Regardless of whether his partners are male or female, he likes to meet random, unknown people on the internet for one time sexual encounters. So far, he's done this five times (that you know of). Are you sure you want to be with a guy who trolls the internet looking for random sexual encounters with strangers?? I wouldn't. THAT is the lifestyle choice I couldn't live with ... even if I was ok with a bf being bi-sexual.

One thing to keep in mind for your own safety is that he might not be having penetrative sex with men, but don't underestimate the variety of nastiness you can get or pass on from oral. And he's not engaging in oral sex with a known partner - these are multiple random people also into meeting strangers on the internet for hookups. Pretty high-risk IMO.

Re: Bi Curious Boyfriend
 

I have to agree with most of the replies here that 5 times does seem like more that just a curiosity type of thing. I think your lucky you found this out at 2 months into the relationship instead of 2 years.

-Sam

Re: Bi Curious Boyfriend
 

[FONT="Georgia"][COLOR="Blue"][B][SIZE="3"]There is a saying that ONE is enough TWO is too much... How about FIVE??? He choose to go to that level because "maybe" the first time he tried it, it gave him the satisfaction that he wants.

You knew him for 2 months only and yet he made you shocked and so surprised... what about another two months of being with him???

Decide what you think the best for you. If you think you can't live and be with a man that you can't trust and who engage in this kind of activities... move on.
[/B][/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE]

Re: Bi Curious Boyfriend
 

This is a really tough one. Even after being with my boy for 3 years, I don't think I'd be okay with him "experimenting" with other men. It would change my perspective of him completely. not that I'm homophobic by any means, I just don't think I could be in a relationship with someone who was experimenting with their sexuality. But this is all a matter of if you are able to accept this or not. If not, you need to cut this guy lose. If you think he is worth it and you can move past it, then you should try to do so. You have to give him credit for being honest with you, that means that he trusts you and cares about you. good luck to you!

Re: Bi Curious Boyfriend
 

I was wondering if he has asked you if you would like to have another person involved(Male)?
I know how you feel. when my partner told me his curious thoughts I felt the same way.,but what kills me is we hardly ever make love and when he decides to want to have sex that is all he talks about during the whole thing and ican't help but to cry.

Re: Bi Curious Boyfriend
 

He asked me if I would be interested in experimenting with this type of sex. At this point in my relationship with him I do NOT think I am interested in doing this. We haven't even had sex yet and I don't think I want to bring someone else into it. I am not sure what the issue is with us not being able to have intercourse...but I have my ideas......

Re: Bi Curious Boyfriend
 

Listen, you are not at a health risk if you didn't have sex yet. You really should take a step back and look at the picture. He is bi-sexual period. He now wants to bring you into this 2 men and you? Honey.....you deserve better than that please move on and consider yourself first.

Re: Bi Curious Boyfriend
 

I am going thru the same situation. We hardly ever do anything not even cuddle up together.
I bet i had the same ideas are what your talking about too. but I just don't feel that he is thinking of us when it comes to having sex anymore when we do do it. I cry everytime he talks while we are doing it cause he talks and asks me if i would want to watch and I just can't do it so therefore he makes me feel that I am not good enough for him.

I don't even want him to go to explore his sexuality before we get married cause I feel that it will change everything.

Re: Bi Curious Boyfriend
 

Just leave. Just gain your courage and get out NOW! Both of you. This is the not the life you want now....and it won't be down the road in years to come.

Re: Bi Curious Boyfriend
 

I agree with the others. Once or twice is curiousity, but anything more than that and it's like.... not so much. It's time to cut him loose and find a guy who is sure that he wants to be with you and not with a bunch of guys on the side.

Re: Bi Curious Boyfriend
 

Mine hasn't done it yet but just curious. Guess for the guys their Gspot is the anal area.

Re: Bi Curious Boyfriend
 

It would take me years to explain how offensive this entire post is to me. I saw something that I must respond to, however. Simply for her sake.

[I]"I am going thru the same situation. We hardly ever do anything not even cuddle up together.
I bet i had the same ideas are what your talking about too. but I just don't feel that he is thinking of us when it comes to having sex anymore when we do do it. I cry everytime he talks while we are doing it cause he talks and asks me if i would want to watch and I just can't do it so therefore he makes me feel that I am not good enough for him.

I don't even want him to go to explore his sexuality before we get married cause I feel that it will change everything."[/I]

Honey, if you're crying while you're making love, there is something terribly, terribly wrong. If he sees it and doesn't stop making love to you, there is something even more wrong. If he talks to you about making love to other men while making love to you, well, there are few words to express my sadness.

It sounds like he knows exactly what he is doing to you. He says these things to make you feel as though you are not good enough, because he gets off on that. If he continues to make love to you even though you are crying, I would almost promise you he gets off on that. He sounds as though he is a manipulative predator, most likely due to repressed homosexuality or abusive tendencies due to a traumatic event in his childhood, during which he was most likely molested, or even raped.

In my humble opinion, he is abusing you and you should seek help. Get out. Fast. At the very least, look into what makes an abusive relationship abusive, and keep watch for the signs. Seek couples counseling, and possibly even a sex therapist.

What makes you think he is going to stop wanting what he wants after you get married? What makes you think he is going to stop asking you for it? What makes you think the sex is going to get better? What makes you think that you are going to stop crying during sex after you get married? Marriage is NOT a solution to any problem, it in itself is a problem, one that can only be worked through by happy, loving people in a stable relationship. Do not get married unless you are sexually compatible. Right now, you are NOT sexually compatible.

If you do not allow him to explore now, his desire to get what he wants will only grow and manifest itself in different ways. Substance abuse is a very common thing that people turn to. Substance abuse can then turn to different kinds of abuse, verbal and physical abuse towards you. If you do not allow him to explore now, he WILL resent you for it. That resentment will only grow through the years and will most likely end in a divorce, or worse.

What if you do not let him explore, but he does anyway. How would you handle him cheating on you with another man? And knowing that it was partly your fault for not letting him go when you knew you could not be everything that he needed? Like my mother always said, it takes two to tango. If someone's cheating, that means that someone is not happy, and that there is something wrong with the relationship their in. I don't mean to say that one person can fulfill another person's every want and desire, but there should be some room for accomodation of both parties desires.

If you feel that you cannot be happy and successful with him after exploring his desires, and he feels that he cannot be happy with the way things are now, it is time for both of you to move on and find someone who you are truly happy with.