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Old 11-05-2007, 09:17 PM   #1
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Betrayal, hate, illness, addiction, sex, abuse, porn and being a fool

These are the 7 magic words of my life right now.

I post to the relationship board because all of these things have cost me every little bit of contact with another human being.

Yes, all these things destroy and wreck a person and I'm the perfect living example of that.

Don't get wrong. I don't feel sorry for myself. Not anymore, not after all this. At least, I try my best to keep my head above the water and keep positive.

Betrayal: My ex boyfriend of 6 years cheated with me numerous times with different women. One of which was a 16 year old neighbor I was mentoring and tutoring at times. She would come over and I would give her facials and manicures because she was troubled for various reasons and i thought it would be a good thing for me to do that for someone. They slept together in my apartment and in my bed and everywhere imaginable. That happened about 3 years ago, but I found out about 2 years ago.

Addiction: He has an uncontrollable addiction to porn. He's also addicted to having affairs online with any random loose meat available! His defense always was that he never actually engaged in sex with them. Why do people try to find ways to minimize the meaning of being unfaithful and cheating? But aparently, I'm the only one who thinks that it was wrong for him to do that.

Hate: My ex is a hateful and grudgeful person. He hates me for loving him and being loyal to him. He does't understand that language. He's used to strippers and materialistic shallow women or women who are with him only for sex. I gave him more and he literally chickened out. Now he hates for not being able to be with him. He's hated me everyday ever since I found out about him.

Being a fool: Well, there's no rocket science here: I got played, I was in love with him and he wasn't. He had an agenda and he knew exactly what he was doing. I loved him so I was being tolerant and understanding. Please, spare me the whole "you should have left him/why did u stay in this/u hate yourself also" speech. I am now truly coming to terms with the fact that I blindly led him to take advantage of me. I regret this everyday and believe me, I pay the price, everyday.

Illness: If you got believe one truth about anything that's being said in the media, in Cosmopolitain, online or wherever you see this, believe this with all of your heart: Stress kills!!!!!! Stress will do things to you and will turn your body into something that can't even defend itself anymore. Of course, I realized a lof of it has to do with your state of mind and the things that make up your environment and your life. But this is the truest statement I can personally attest for. Especially for us women, stress will directly eat at your womb. I mean, not literally, but it disturbs your hormones, your serotonin, dopamine, your digestion is faulty and you don't absorb food like you should. Your liver doesn't metabolize your blood properly anymore, so your hair and skin looks sick. I went from 260lbs back in 2004 and today, the scale showed me 143lbs. While it's like I finally realized my dream, it's like, i look at myself and i don't look healthy because it's a "sick-type of weight loss". I actually look like I took a lot of hard drugs or something. Anyways, in addition to that, I have endometriosis and found out recently that my chances at fertility are very low, probably none. I spent 10-12 days a month in pain and bedridden. The minute I realized I was caught up in something that wasn't good for me, it's like my body stopped working. It's going to take a lot of work to get myself back in shape and hope that i can still have some sort of career, given that i cannot be a mother.

Sex: I was healthy way back when and had a full healthy sex drive and felt good about myself in that manner. Now I can't bring myself to have sex with anyone. I can't enjoy it anymore. It feels like nothing. I spent 6 years being with a man that hate the way i looked and hated my body, but just would never say so. He thought he did me a favor by not "hurting my feelings" and tell me straight up that he just didn't love me. He kept a charade and I kept believing his lies that he loved me and would change and things would get better. Well, that day never came. While I was with him for only 6 years, the damage done will last for a long time. Me and sex and just not what we used to anymore andnot for a while.

Abuse: Over the past few months, I've became abusive and even hateful at times. I wanted to get help and no one could hear me. Nothing infuriates me more than being ignored, so it drove me almost crazy to realize that I was alone and no one cared wether i lived or died. How i became abusive is by exploding in anger or having temper tantrums (i mean, i get really mad). I've even hit my boyfriend, who then would hit me back and while you shouldn't hit a woman, i hit him first so i had that coming and i'm not going around screaming "my man beats me". See, trying to have a conversation with an addict and getting through to them is probably the most frustrating thing to try to do with another person. First, their world is all distorted to begin with, so there is no making sense with them. It took me a while to understand that there was just no reasoning with him. At such point, it got so bad, that i emailed his sisters and told them straight, your brother is having some serious mental illness and he's being destructive. I was firm and I wasn't trying to sugar coat anything. Never did I insult them though or told them lies about their brothers. So many times I've tried to get help. Now I'm being emailed called a hateful lying ***** who's out to hurt people and couldn't do my man right that's why i lost him and he went elsewhere. I'm just glad I was able to unveil the whole family's true colors. But it hurts. Because in the eyes of everyone, i was the bad person and i drove him to do this. What I believe happened is that I loved him too much and he felt smothered. Considering that he didn't love me, it must have been annoying to have me around. He just never said anything though. He thought it would be best to make a fool of me for years and then give me a surprise when I'm good and done and have no energy left.

Not only has my relationship with this man ended, but my family has turned their back on me because i wanted to stay with him and his family his insulting me every chance they get and calling me a ***** and all sorts of names. The minute I became too ill to be able to work either part time or full time, all my friends vanished. I was homeless and on welfare at one point. Stayed at a shelter where no one even wondered where i was, except for one of my sisters. She was nice enough take me to spend time with her kids, wich i had missed so much and they had grown so fast. I felt and still feel so silly for loosing on time with them and wasting my time with him. I since moved to another city though, because I couldn't afford staying in Toronto anymore, so i haven't been in contact with anyone since. I mean, long distance is expensive, i can't expect people to spend money over me.

This is the story of how every single relationship i've ever been part of in my life has gone sour and I am now alone and isolated from people. My ex won the battle and convinced most people we knew that it was all my fault. Of course, me and tantrums that i've been having in the past couple of months don't help my "I am not a crazy *****" case. I pay for that everyday though.

What i've learned. When you get hurt, it's no time to look for sympathy from anyone, because that's exactly when people will run and try to pound on you. When you get hurt, nobody cares and if you get angry, it will be held over your head forever and people will only remember that about you.

I still have a lot to learn about relationships. Since I have none, i got to start from sscratch and relearn everything about trusting people again, being kind and being respected. It's a challenge. It sucks. It's life. There's more bloodsuckers in this world than they are good people. It's a lot of sifting and searching before one can find a trustworthy person to count on and be ur friend.

Sex, porn, betrayal, illness, addiction, abuse are just no good, no matter what excuse u give urself.
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Old 11-05-2007, 09:41 PM   #2
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Re: Betrayal, hate, illness, addiction, sex, abuse, porn and being a fool

Your poor psyche has surely had a number done on it. You feel at rock bottom now, but it sounds like you are taking your life into your own hands now, and what you do from now on will be the important stuff. Everything in life, no matter how bad, can be a valuable lesson in knowing yourself and others. I am not being a Pollyanna here ("Life gives you lemons, make lemonade" yada yada), but as you write and talk about all the things that you have gone through, you will see this. The first thing to learn is that you are responsible, alone and 100% for what happens now. Sympathy, empathy and kindness from others will only go so far, it is within you that you must find the strength and self-regard to dig your way out. You are angry, and that is a good sign..it beats total despair. You will be surprised how quickly your stress symptoms improve once you take charge of your own life. I wish you all the best, and hope things get better for you. Sera

 
Old 11-16-2007, 01:58 PM   #3
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Re: Betrayal, hate, illness, addiction, sex, abuse, porn and being a fool

Wow. I have similar problems with my bf right now. I'm not sure I can give you any advice, because I don't know what to do MYSELF! I found out he was looking at porn a while back and it really bothers me. I feel inadequate. He assures me that its not something I'm doing or not doing but its still hurtful. He promised me he would stop. I caught him a month or so later. He PROMISED he would stop. Today my cable bill was $72 higher than it should've been so I called. 6 Adult movies THIS MONTH. I called him on it and asked him why he did it. "I don't know, I'm sorry I lied, etc." At what point do you stop buying into the ******** and start realizing that you are being played?! I don't know. How do you deal with it? Tolerate it, make a big deal out of it so that he then hides it from you, or leave and feel guilty for not being 'understanding'? I don't think these options seem too appealing! Your situation had some other problems than this, which I have dealt with in past relationships. I think it is commendable that you left him or vice versa and you are now independant. I am deeply sorry to hear about the illnesses and fertility problem. It is wise of you to recognize and pass along the issues of stress though! It is SO true! People forget what the effects of stress can do to a body. I just want you to know that you aren't alone. I know I haven't been much help on advice, but I DO know that it is good to hear from others that share your problems and to know that you aren't alone And I don't think you're a crazy *****!

 
Old 11-17-2007, 01:56 PM   #4
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diamond53827 HB User
Re: Betrayal, hate, illness, addiction, sex, abuse, porn and being a fool

It's kind of sad to hear story like this but unfortunately they"re real... I actually am in a sort of relation like not to say almost exactly the same porn abuse,betrayal and it is true that we just stand here and hope for him to change and to love us for what we are...but are they even able to do such a thing as loving someone? How can u play someone for so long and i mean we're not in the 15 anymore.... Everyday now i wonder if it will ever change and if there's a man out there able to be faithfull!! Honnestly i don't even think so anymore that's how bad it is...What is it about men and porn!!! Seriously he's totally addict with it and i have always thought that if a man does this its just because he's not happy whit what you look like or he's not happy with what you do...Sometimes i think they're pathetic lol i'm sorry here. One time last summer my bf was in the other room watching his porn and i went into the room he would actually get mad at me and curse at me to go do something but he wouldn't say that's what he's doing! But i knew and checked just to confirmed and it was that!!1 wow the guy didn't want me in there so he could watch it !!! And after that he tells me he doesn't have a problem with it? Anyway like the other i don't have much advice to tell you my dear but at least we can share our thought and feelings here!!!KEEP BEING STRONG GIRL!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!

 
Old 11-17-2007, 04:58 PM   #5
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Re: Betrayal, hate, illness, addiction, sex, abuse, porn and being a fool

thoses guys need to get their butt kicked!!! and we need to stay strongs

 
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