I am 34...and was in a very tough relationship 1.5 years ago. An emotionally abusive one for that matter. I was with this guy who was 8 years younger for 3 years and it took a huge peice of me. Now in this time I have managed to build back myself.. find myself and set goals for me. I have learned much by this past relationship. And also promised myself not to settle and I deserve the best. I have since become very independant and unlike the past I don't NEED another person to feel complete. However since then I find myself first have lost much faith in really finding "the one" . Perhaps jaded since... I have been dating this guy for 4 months now.. he is 30.. now first he has no car.. and well not the best job. his plans are to become a chef.. but for now is working as a kitchen supervisior. Problem is.. that he has a very hard time showing me any affection. I mean we have sex.. but things like a hug.. or a kiss.. etc... I always am the agressor. I asked him about it and he said he is shy and he is not used to being forward. Now after 4 months you would think one would be past that. He likes to spend all his free time with me. And I like ME time. When I mention maybe having time to myself he does not look impressed. Now he is a nice person and funny.. but I don't need a project boyfriend. I had that before with the ex he was a drug addict and a drunk .. and that was a project. And well I do make more money than him and I feel like I do most of the spending. He does now and then.. he does make dinner now and then. But then the driving all the time.. I kinda feel like I am a taxi. I guess I wish he was more independant and more aggressive. But I think now am I being unfair ? Picky ? Mean ? Shallow ? I just feel like I finally know where I am going in my life .. and back a few years ago I would have loved to put all my eggs in one basket and just be with whom I was dating all the time. In fact I did back then. But now I am not that person anymore. Am I being to picky? I feel as if will I ever have the perfect balance ? Any idea's ???
IMO, he seemed to be an okay guy. As long as he is good to you, that's really all that matters.
Though, it really is up to you. Some women would love to have a hard working man, who love to spend thier time with her, but, then again....another person likes could be total opposites of another. (Maybe, I am not making sense)
Anyway.....I guess, if you think.....there is someone out there, better than him...then dump him and move on with your life.
Right or wrong has little meaning in this situation..Once you start doubting and resenting, then the writing is on the wall. Believe me, it is issues like these that can taint a relationship over time, and you really need to sort out the stuff you can happily live with, and the stuff that needs to change. If change cannot happen, then you need to question the rightness of this relationship.
I don't think there's any such thing as being too picky when it comes to how you want to spend your life. We only get one, we have the right to enjoy as much of it and to make as much of it as comfortable and wonderful as we can.
It comes down to compatibility. This guy seems like he gets on your nerves much more than he is a comfort and a joy and an asset to you. If you don't really have any great designs on finding real true life long love, then it would only make sense to cut bait and call it quits.
I have to agree with rose's bluntness on this subject.
You are just two different people. You have goals, you have done a lot to improve yourself for the better. Settling for him would be setting yourself back. I'm sorry, but a 30 year old man should be able to drive himself around and not need to be up your butt. What is he doing to acheive his chef goal anyway? Is he going to school or just hoping the kitchen manager job will give him the boost he needs.
Like Sera said, right or wrong, once the resentment and doubting come into play the writing is on the wall. Resentment grows over time. You have certain needs you want fulfilled by your partner and unfortunately he is incapable (or unwilling) to fulfill them for you. It's probably best to move on and find someone more suited to for the new you.
I definitely agree the last 4 posts - You are NOT being unreasonable. You are definitely seeing red flags - dont ignore them. Dont give this one the benefit of a doubt. This guy is who he is and is going to be for probably the rest of his life. unsure, unprepared and incapable. and, the worst part, which hit home with me...he can't show affection! ..Most people need affection and he is unable to show it; (i sense deep seeded issue here - can of worms you don't care to mess with - hence the project) he also doesnt like kissing - BIG downer in a relationship, i speak from experience...you WILL miss it, i promise you and the relationship will suffer..Don't kid yourself, he's not going to come around someday when he feels more secure with himself. wont happen. He'll end up resenting you and blaming you for his feelings of inadequacy.
Im not saying dump him, im just saying, i wouldnt be dreaming of future plans with this one and maybe start to distance yourself with a goal of meeting someone that is more worthy of you.
sorry if I sound like an astrology forcast or something...
IMO, he seemed to be an okay guy. As long as he is good to you, that's really all that matters.
I couldn't disagree more. This is what's called "settling" and it's the WORST thing you could possibly do to yourself. The guy isn't what you wanted and isn't giving you what you want in the relationship. DUMP HIM!
Listen, this is a really hard lesson I've started learning in life. Either you're really serious about finding someone or you're not. If you are, then you will NEVER just settle for some guy just because he's available and he seems to be nice. That's just not good enough. If he's the right one, then you won't be having these problems and these doubts.
Too often, and I've done this myself and I am trying to break the cycle now, we end up just accepting that the guy is going to somehow change or eventually become what we want them to. We view potential as being something liveable and therefore end up settling. It's such a waste of time, though, because things aren't going to progress, at all, and all we end up doing is being stuck in a relationship that sucks while Mr. Right could be right around the corner. But because we're in a relationship, we can't find him.
I've done this to myself so many times, I feel like I could write a book. This guy, as you have described him, is so obviously not right for you. You are having doubts because your mind is telling you he's not right. Maybe he's not a bad guy, and that's fine. But the fact is that he's not the right one for you. If you're really serious about finding the right guy, then you can't just sit there and hope somehow magically things will change because they won't. This is many years of experience talking here, and a lot of really intense introspection talking. I know what I'm talking about. And I'm trying to give you the benefit of my wisdom, so you can either take it or leave it. But if you leave it, then you're just going to end up wasting your time since you're really not just that into him.
I couldn't disagree more. This is what's called "settling" and it's the WORST thing you could possibly do to yourself. The guy isn't what you wanted and isn't giving you what you want in the relationship.
I couldn't agree more with you Kszan! Settling is the worst thing you can do for yourself. It builds up unneeded resentment and hard feelings that could all be avoided if you just end it now and move on to find someone more compatible.
To begin with, you are entitled to choose whom you want to be with. You are an adult. Do you know the old sentence: "The heart has its own reasons which reason knows nothing of"? Your heart apparently has not chosen this guy (you hardly come across if you were very fond of him), and then your reason has also rejected him (you seem to be above him in terms of maturity and finances). I would say: the wrong timing between you and him. I think it would be quite reasonable and honest of you to break up with him (no need to look down on him, though) and move on.
Wow... rosequartz you think I am to good for him? Well granted he is a nice person. But ya the car thing bugs me. He is 30 has no car as he did.. but it went on him and never got one since. Now I feel like I would like to be with someone who is well on an equal playing field as me. I mean it is nice to take ME out sometimes a nice dinner etc... more and more I am becoming annoyed.. I just have been thinking I need to be happy 100% why settle? I feel like I deserve better...we just are not on the same level. I mean he plans on never to retire... just work and work. Me I plan my future.. I know what I want in life... I am 34 now.. by 36 I plan on being a police officer. I have things happening wheels in motion. I want to retire at 65 and be able to enjoy my life I worked hard for.. I have a car, a job I have been at for 10 years.. make good money.. my own place.... I always have to drive him here and there... I just feel stifled....
Well I have to say I agree with the dump him part. We are just not on the same page. And I won't settle... why should I? he is nice.. but nice is not enough. As far as the kitchen manager part, he plans on staying there and just waiting for things to happen. And yes the car thing really bugs me. He wants to open his own restuarant someday be a chef... how can he with no car? take a cab? No... I have to move on. Id rather be on my own.. then settling....
As far as the kitchen manager part, he plans on staying there and just waiting for things to happen....
Oh man, yeah....get the heck OUT while you still can!! That's exactly my ex, to a tee! He would always rather just sit around and let things happen rather than going out and taking any risks because he said it was easier to blame others when things didn't go right than to ever attempt something on his own and have it not work out. Take it from someone who has been there, this kind of guy is so totally not worth your time!! It's nothing but a hassle. You're doing well for yourself, you don't need someone who is just going to hold you back from your true potential.
Well I was thinking if I did just leave things as is.. and say years from now we were still together. Well here I am planning my retirement, future finanically.. worked all these years . He has no retirement plans or savings plan for retirement.. and ya there I would be supporting him. I thought no way I worked all these years for my retirement not his!!!! he has idea's of what he would like to do.. but don't sit on your haunches saying " if I am not assistant operator of the resteraunt by the end of next year ..." First he lives in his cousins basement.. has no car.. how many restaurant operators let alone kitchen manager has no car? He wants to be a chef later in life by the time he is 32.. well if he has no car say.. what he shows up on a cab to his place? The restaurant says they will train him to run his own place.. but in order for him to go to these classes and things he needs a car !!!! So they have not... I mean I am not waiting for anyone to make things happen.. I am doing things to become a police officer.. I currently volenteer for the police.. patrol on weekends. Taking courses.. I have the prep book for the police exam , so I can prepare for the test one of many. We are not on the same page....
My ex partner didn't drive, and it bugged me no end. It was obviously always me that drove everywhere, when we went out of an evening, he was the one that could always drink, and me that had to stay sensible
I know and can understand that resentment of a partner that doesn't drive.
It seems to me that you have made a decision regarding your boyfriend, you said your not on the same page. If you settle for him, your resentment will probably just grow