How to tell if wife has BPD - Relationship Health Message Board

curiousJz · 11-14-2007, 03:19 PM

Hello all,
I am newly married to a life long friend who was once a partner in early life.
She has been married twice and both of them have ended in divorce.

During her marriages she confided in me about all the problems she was having in those relationships. She told me many times that she was unhappy with her hubby because he was fat and that she had crushed on (was attracted to) other men. She never ever acted like she would cheat or told me she had cheated. She did however catch her hubby in many lies and it ended in divorce.

She went back and forth with him out of divorce and dated around. We were always friends during this time so I knew about her relationships. She was never satisfied with anyone or anything they did. However she would say in the same breath how great they were.

She made several attempts to be with me and I passed before but this time we got together and are now married.

We have our issues as I have had anxiety for years and tend to worry. Some of her behaviors tend to get me worried and we have both been to Psyc docs and had Counseling. They were not sure if she was bipolar or just depressed. She is now taking meds for depression. She would let many things pile up on her and feel tons of guilt over not pleasing people or getting their acceptance.

The meds have helped level her out but our current problems are that I feel that she is too friendly to men and that they could take it the wrong way. She says I don't trust her but I'm a guy I could tell that if she approached me and was as friendly I would think she was interested. She says that i should trust her and what the guy thinks doesn't matter. Her over friendliness and flirty behavior stresses me and hurts my feelings and brings distrust into the relationship.

It seems like there is always a guy that she will seem to want to help or be friendly to usually at work and she tells me about the guy bothering her and then I think, what did u do to cause this problem. She doesn't think she's doing anything wrong. She says that she wont be mean to people and it's just because I'm jealous. My doc says it is not wrong for me to think her behavior is inappropriate.

She does seem to put me on a platform and say that this is the best relationship she has ever had. She also says no matter how many times she tells me and reassures me that I don't believe her but I'm reading her actions not her words. My wife thinks it's just me being a worrier and that I am too sensitive and that she is all fixed up and expects me to go get help. I have been going to counseling more so than here and niether of the docs think I am too sensitive or overly jealous.

I don't think she would ever jeopardize our relationship by cheating and if that were the case I would definitely end it promptly and she knows that.

This has came up many times in arguments, and my psyc doc says it sounds like bpd. She told me that counseling weekly would help. I am reading these forums and don't really see her exact behavior but she does put me on a pedestal and when we fight she tears me down. So I'm having a hard time trying to figure out how to tell my wife how this last visit to the doc went without sounding accusatory.

Any thoughts on this would be great and I appreciate it.

trg247 · 11-15-2007, 01:31 AM

Hi:

I have been trying to figure out how to respond for the last couple of hours since I first read it and I have still not figured it out. Your wife might have borderline tendencies but she is not really crying out I have BPD. I came to the conclusions by a couple of different factors. The first one is that you have know her for a long time and BPD tends to show through at different times that would have gave you plenty opportunity to really nail it down. The second factor is the antidepressant meds which really don't play into the factor as borderline is a personality disorder not a mental doisorder that can be tamed expecially by the class of meds ......... I take Seroquel which slows down my thought process but when I was on Effexor, Wellbutrin, Remeron simultaneously it did nothing for my BPD. The way you have described her shows someone who is seeking attention to help boost her self esteem which again cries out for a depression notice. Also with her keep returning to a failed partner does not fit the BPD well as once we made up our mind to end it is over you don't see a lot of reconcilliation but there are always exceptions. I don't want to sound rude but are you sure you are seeing her from the whole picture? The borderline criteria is very broad the way a lot of doctors sees it and for a long time people just say it when no other diagnosis fit they turn to a borderline diagnosis as its almost a catch all, which in my opinion is not the case. I guess the whole point of this is if she was truely borderline you would have noticed a long time ago ..........borderline blossoms when people are in their early twenties. Anyway I am not a doctor and this is just my opinion. Maybe if you had other examples from different areas in her life that don't revolve attention seeking behavior then the picture might be come more clear.

take care
trg247

curiousJz · 11-15-2007, 08:53 AM

Hi,

Thanks for the thoughts on my situation.

I'm sorry for being somewhat vague and paint with a broad brush but most of the things that come between us seem to be her provoking me into an argument. I say she's too nice to men she says she's just friendly. I think she seeks approval and she admits that she has in the past.

The depression med Lexapro was given to level out the depression & mood swings she was having along with manias. She was even smelling things that were not there in our home but that has now gone away with the meds.

I would be glad to give other examples of her behavior in the past.

It would be great if you could be more specific on some of the types of behavior I might have seen.

The reconciliation was with one person and she decided to leave him and left and divorced him soon after and then they dated for a while. All of the other relationships including ours from many years ago were done and over at her call. She always says when she's done she's done and usually never looks back.

Since you have lived with BPD could you give me some examples that would have shown through?

Thanks again for the input.

Pri Lily · 11-15-2007, 10:56 AM

This might answer your question....an aspect of borderline that most men don't realize.....

I believe I have been borderline since I was an infant....I have reason to believe this.

My Dad used to have to travel for his job. He would be away sometimes for a week or two at a time.

My Mom used to tell me that if my Dad was away, it didn't matter who walked in the house, as long as it was a man, I would be all over him. I would sit in his lap from the time he arrived, until he left.

I would never go near a woman...pictures in my baby book of my Mom holding me look like I'm trying to get away from her.

I have had men friends all my life. I still keep in contact with a few of them some 30+ years.

I feel much safer with men than women.

I never strayed on my husband....it is strictly an attention getting behaviour for me.

I can't guarantee that your wife won't stray, but maybe you understand the behaviour a little bit more.

My suggestion....very personal...if your relationship is good, she loves you, sex is good, she's not working late all the time, no reason to suspect any problems....try to enjoy her flirting, and take advantage of it....you are the one that will get the benefit of her flirting, at home.

I really hope this helps....and you understand what I'm saying.

Lil

curiousJz · 11-15-2007, 01:56 PM

Hi,
Very interesting information that you provided.She really doesn't have many female friends which may make some sense about her childhood.

She was adopted then shortly after had a sister and brother born into the family and I think she was treated differently than the others. Maybe some sort of behavioral imprinting happened?

I think she definitely tries to get a reaction from me because she knows some things might bother me but she brings them up as if to tell on herself. Nothing like cheating but things with co workers and email stuff. I have read some of the mail and I tend to believe that she personalizes too much but maybe I'm too sensitive.

We are and have been working on this together with counseling but I don't think she realizes she hurts me and challenges my trust.

She also has no clue that some of the things she does seem a bit odd to me and forcefully stands her ground that she is just a nice person. I'm not asking her to be mean to anyone but just to think about her actions. You know guys interpret any nice female as being interested in them.

So thanks for the thoughts about it and I will continue to work on myself and our relationship.