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Old 11-14-2007, 06:38 PM   #1
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Husband and i had a fight re going out with his friends

my husband and i rarely fight but i have had it with a problem we are having and if i am wrong or this is normal please be honest and let me know! we are in our early 30s and have 4 kids been married a while and are happy but his obsession with being around his friends is really upsetting me! he sees nothing wrong with going out with them 3-4 times a wk! yes thats per wk i think 1 maybe 2 at the most is good. he doesnt really go to the bar with them he will go over to their houses and watch a game or play poker and once in a while drink which is fine with me....i am usually invited but do not feel that i need to be with my friends that often! i think it is abnormal to be that bored at home that you cant just stand to hang out with ur wife instead of friends!i guess also what bugs me is if we are in the middle of doing something like shopping or whatever and they call him to hang out he will hurry or finish what we are doing without even seeing how i feel about it or stopping to think if maybe he has pushed his limit! i think 3-4 times a wk is crazy or am i just crazy?!?!?!

Last edited by hayley0610; 11-14-2007 at 06:50 PM.

 
Old 11-15-2007, 12:03 AM   #2
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Re: Husband and i had a fight re going out with his friends

To be in his early 30's with four kids and a wife, I think going out 3-4 times a week with his friends is basically unacceptable (and this is even coming from a guy!). I'm assuming you don't work since raising four kids is a hefty job in itself. So he works all day, and spends four nights a week with his buddies drinking and playing poker? When does he ever spend time with you and the family?

To me it sounds as though he's using the time as an escape from reality and having to deal with the shared responsibilty of raising children. Does he ever ask you how you feel about it, or if you need a break after dealing with the kids all day? He probably is just inviting you out with his friends as a courtesy because he knows you really won't say yes, but is thinking he gains points for at least asking. I think you need to sit him down and talk to him about this and get it resolved asap. If I had four kids and my wife was out drinking and goofing off with her buddies 3-4 nights a week I'd be pretty agitated to say the least.

 
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Old 11-15-2007, 12:32 AM   #3
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Re: Husband and i had a fight re going out with his friends

I don't think you are crazy and I think that 3 to 4 times a week is a bit too much. I suppose the wives of his friends are having pretty much the same problem. You are not alone. Yet I know that many women can't stand the sight of their husbands at home all the time. They say that a man's place is outside. You don't seem to be this kind of person.

What I don't like in your case is the unexpected thing, like his getting a call from a buddy and stopping what he is doing with you and going to meet the buddy. That seems quite unfair and irresponsible. It looks like he is evading. However, it is not so much the fact of his going out of the house. There are men who will sit down in front of a computer and forget that they have a family all around them, kids that are often hungry for a conversation. What if your husband substituted the computer for his buddies? It would be the same, wouldn't it?

I think he maybe has a problem with intimacy, as many men do. It is not enough for him to share the chores with you (and with four small kids there are so many), but it's also important for him to build relationships with the kids. This is perhaps something he has got to learn.

Maybe he needs a routine. Ok, grant him his three or four nights out (that is his privacy so to say), as long as you know beforehand the time he is going and where to find him, but at the same time help him realize that buddies come and go, but family is permanent. If he doesn't build something now with his kids, it'll be a lot more difficult to do so in later years. Also, you must help him feel at home when he is at home. Some men might think that staying at home sort of emasculates them. Don't nag at him too much, if you ever do.

I don't know if you will be able to change his personality, but he can be helped to change some of his assumptions and patterns.

Go slowly with him.

Last edited by pendulum; 11-15-2007 at 12:34 AM.

 
Old 11-15-2007, 02:37 AM   #4
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Re: Husband and i had a fight re going out with his friends

Yes, that is unacceptable. Mates are for occasional get-togethers, not that many times per week. I guess you have told him how you feel about this; try to get an agreement going so he has certain nights and is all yours for the rest of the time. This is fair enough. Sera

 
Old 11-15-2007, 05:43 AM   #5
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Re: Husband and i had a fight re going out with his friends

Not acceptable at all! Who's he committed to, you and your family or them!?
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Last edited by BeaTrade; 11-15-2007 at 05:43 AM.

 
Old 11-15-2007, 05:49 AM   #6
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Re: Husband and i had a fight re going out with his friends

Are you sure he is with his friends? I don't want to upset you, but it does seem odd that he would want to spend so much time with them. He has a family and should be spending time with them. I agree it is too much. Once a week is even too much when you have a family.

 
Old 11-15-2007, 06:20 AM   #7
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Re: Husband and i had a fight re going out with his friends

That is completely unacceptable Hayley and you have every right to be upset.

Let me ask you this; do you think he may be doing the "I'm still young and having a family will not keep me from doing what I want to do" phase? I ask because my husband was "acting out" recently in this manner, although not to the extent your's is. Have you two really sat down and talked about this?

I think once a week is more than enough when you have four children at home. When his friends are becoming a priority over his family then that is a problem. It really makes me think there is something going on with him, although I won't even begin to speculate about what that could be. Are the friends he hangs out with single or not have kids?

 
Old 11-15-2007, 07:24 AM   #8
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Re: Husband and i had a fight re going out with his friends

Sometimes men will do this when being at home is chaotic...could this be it? Not an excuse but it could be it. Men act like the kids are not their responsibility and then the wife soon starts to resent them! All the responsibitlies of the home are on the woman's shoulders(husband just can flitter on off to the buddy's house). This is often a recipe for divorce! I suggest it's time for a very serious "talk!" What if as soon as he got home from work each day, you left the kids with him and went to the mall with the girls? Bet he'd have a cow!
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Last edited by BeaTrade; 11-15-2007 at 07:25 AM.

 
Old 11-15-2007, 07:31 AM   #9
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Re: Husband and i had a fight re going out with his friends

Yes, that is too much, and this is coming from someone who strongly believes in nights out without your spouse, and trips away without your spouse. But that is too much. Also, do YOU ever get to go out with your friends alone and he stays home? That is so important.

He isn't making you and the kids a priority. And if you aren't also getting your time with your own friends, he is being selfish. In my relationship, I'm the one who goes out more with friends, but that's because I am more social than my spouse. I go out for a girls night out about once every two weeks, and the odd coffee date here and there. My husband goes out with friends once every month or so, and also has the odd movie or coffee time with friends. He is free to go out more, but he chooses not to as he just isn't as social with his friends. But the point is, both of us are happy with this. If one of us wasn't happy, we would discuss it and compromise. I agree that somtimes you need more than one night away from responsiblities, but that is when I take my girls weekends away. And it doesn't happen all the time, once every six months or so.

Going out four nights a week on a regular basis when you are married and have four kids is way too much. You are picking up the slack at home and doing most of the work with the kids and house chores, and that isn't fair either. Also, what about you and your friends and your free time? I would say you and your husband need to come to some sort of compromise. Yes, you both need friend time, but key work being BOTH and key word being it shouldn't be every night. Once a week is reasonable. And that should go for you as well, where you get one night out with friends and your husband stays home and does the parenting and chores. If your husband cares about the marriage and your well being, he will compromise on this.

 
Old 11-15-2007, 03:24 PM   #10
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Re: Husband and i had a fight re going out with his friends

I agree with Jennie... It's not fair that you're constantly being stuck at the house doing all the house chores and watching the kids.. Yes that is a mothers "responsibility" but in today's day and age, it isn't un common for a father to be parent for a night every week.. We all need friends but being with your friends more than your family is not acceptable. You need to sit down with your husband and explain what he is doing is not fair to you or the children. That you need your alone time with friends or even if it's by yourself. Just to go and get ur nails and hair done. Not only that but you need couple time where you guys go out together as a couple. I hope this helps and let me know how things go

Best wishes

Mere

 
Old 11-15-2007, 04:45 PM   #11
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Re: Husband and i had a fight re going out with his friends

well thanks for your responses but i do need to clear some things up lol no he is with his friends i usually go with him most of the time and he gets annoyed if i dont go lol we have fun together also its not drinking and playing poker all the time they usually do that 1-2 times usually wkends but he will go to watch hockey or go over and eat and socialize...so no he isnt with someone else lol he just hates being at home bored and like i said i always get invited its rare i dont but i dont feel the need to go out that much. even though we are in our early 30s our kids are older 11-16 the kids are older and i dont need to stay at home as much anymore so im not a stressed out mom from being at home with little ones all day....i just didnt know if i was overreacting as i dont want to fight with him if im wrong!his friends have wives kids but not all of them they are not "misbehaving"when they hang out it is fun but its just too much to me also we have always had a good social life as far as hanging out with our friends i just hate how they constantly call to get him or us out of the house!its like they are all bored!!!!

Last edited by hayley0610; 11-16-2007 at 10:48 AM.

 
Old 11-15-2007, 04:56 PM   #12
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Re: Husband and i had a fight re going out with his friends

Hayley it seems to me he still wants to be the foot loose and fancy free guy he was before he settled down.

How do your kids feel about him always going around his mates houses whenever they call?

I don't think your over reacting at all, infact if my partner were to say he was bored being at home with me and my son, I would have to wonder why he were with me at all

 
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