Please kind people of the relationship help board help me. If I am wrong please tell me because I don't think I am but some insight would be nice.
Some history: My husband and I met right after highschool. He was in the Marine Corp reserves when we met. He was attending college part time and working part time as well. He was going for a criminal justice degree so that he could join active military and move up within. I made it very very clear to him that I would never move away. My life was here with my family( I am very very close to my family) But he stayed with me. About 2 1/2 years into his degree in school he asked me to marry him. I agreeed. We married about a year after proposal. After we were married he decided he did not like school anymore so he quit. We have $16,000 in debt with the 2 1/2 years that he did complete. Well, after just working full time at a bank he decided he was not happy so in went to a technical school and got a degree for electic/heating/air. Well shortly after he finshed his degree at the technical school (which cost us about $6000) we decided we wanted to try to have a baby. We started trying and about a year later still no baby so we got some test done and learned that my husband can not have his own children do to no sperm. He of course fell into a deep depression. Stop going to work, lost his job, tried to commit sucide(spelling sorry) Well I got him checked into a hospital and see =ing a shrink and he is much much better. He delt with the fast that bio. kids would not happen so we decied to do sperm donor. So two years later, a total of 4 years trying we got pregnant. I am now 31 weeks. He has a great paying job and everything should be fine and dandy, but it isn't
So present problem: My husband told me a few weeks ago that he wanted to go back to school and get a degree in construction management because that would help him advance in his present job. I was all for it. He started looking into and saw that it was going to take 4 years so decided he did not want to do anymore. FINE, i don't care but now he wants to finish his criminal justice degree just so he can say that he has a degree. I think that is stupid because that degree will not help him with his current job and he has no intentions on leaving it. But he does not agree. He want to start school in Jan. which is the month that our baby is due and start working part time. I of course asked him if he could wait until August so we can see what lies ahead with the new baby and thats when the ***** hit the fan. He told me that I have never supported him, that it was my fault that he does not have his criminal justice degree in the first place since I just HAD to get married and refused to move away. I told him that I told him form the beginning that I would never leave and he should not have married me if that is what he really wanted to do. Basically he says I ruined his life, that he is stuck here with me and now we have a baby coming and he will nver get to do what he really wanted to do from the beginning which was move away. My question is, was it wrong of me to ask him to hold off on returning to school unitl the baby is here and we know what is going on. And do you think that I did hold him back by saying yes to his proposal?
He wanted this baby more than anything in the world about 8 months ago and know its like it was all my idea and our marriage should never be because he had dreams of moving away and being in the military. Am I wrong and what should I do?
hi,,i dont think he knows what he wants,,how many times can someone change around from job to college to now more schooling ,,that will have no benefit to him,,he needs to face up to reality, ye are having a baby and he needs to sort himself out.ask him what it is that he really wants..does he want a wife and family or does he want to move out of state go back to being carefree, no resonsibilites.you were there for him when he really really needed it and now he needs to be there for his family,hope it all works outxx
I don't think you were wrong asking him to hold off until August to go back to school nor do I think you were wrong in accepting his marriage proposal. To tell you the truth, I don't think either one of these things is the real problem here.
You have a baby coming in about 9 weeks. Yes, this a baby he desparately wanted to give you, but due to "biology" he couldn't. I think it is really hitting him now that this isn't "biologically" his child.
I'm not making excuses for him at all. What he said to you was completely wrong and inappropriate. But I think he is overwhelmed with his emotions and the fact that he had no control over the situation. He probably fails like he failed you and is now grasping at straws to succeed at something that he has started and wanted.
Have the two of you talked since the fight? The two of you obviously need to sit down and get all of his feelings out in the open. Have you thought about the two of you talking with a counsellor? He may need a little help dealing with all of his emotions right now.
I honestly don't think it's unreasonable of you to ask him to wait until August... I mean... I don't think he really has a vision of how much work a new baby is going to be :\ I'm 14 weeks pregnant right now and imagining where you are now and having your husband all of the sudden spring this on you because you ask for another 6 months to see how things are going first...? No way!
You supported him when he *chose* not to continue school, which was his choice - frankly, he knew where you were coming from, it doesn't sound like you hid the fact that you simply didn't want to move away from family (I'm very similar in that..) from the start and he chose to move forward. He asked YOU. He was already in school - so how exactly do the two correlate when he says you ruined his chance at that degree? He was already going to college so it's not like he couldn't finish school where he was... he's just being a whiner.
I'm glad he's at least finished one degree, but I couldn't very well say that I'd have a lot of confidence in his ability to complete things he starts with his track record, the fact that you're willing to deal with his flip flopping ("I want to go to school! Oh wait, 4 years of work and effort? Ew nevermind!") is pretty supportive to begin with... you helped him through his depression, his suicide attempt - exactly when haven't you been supportive????
He's acting like a kid who isn't getting what he wants. It's really unfair of him to say the things he said, and REALLY inappropriate considering the baby on the way. I'm sure a lot of it is coming from stress/fear of becoming a father - but he really needs to think about what he's saying. He asked YOU to marry HIM - you didn't force his hand. He wants the baby as much as you do and I think it's a *very* wise idea to not start school right when a newborn enters the house - he'll either be too busy to help out, too tired to study or pass effectively, or he'll be an awful grump :| Maybe all 3?
You're not asking him to give anything up... you're asking him to be patient because you're about to become new parents and truthfully from everything I've been told it TAKES a few months to adjust to. I think that's a very smart idea on your part, he needs to chill.
We have not talked since the fight. I am just so upset because I feel like what he is saying is that our marriage and life together should have never happened. I feel like he thinks I have ruined his life.
I know that it was hard for him to deal with the fact that he would not have bio. children but I thought it had dealt with that. It was his decision to move on to donor sperm, and we agreed together that that is what we would do.
I am affaird now that our life is a lie. By the way he tells it, if it were not for me he would be in another state doing something totaly different with his life. He just made it sound like his life with me is crappy and that he could do so much better.
The thing is I have no problem with him finishing his degree( I think it is silly since it will not help him in his present job) but Iwill support it. I just need him to wait until things calm down. This is our first child and we have no idea how much life is going to change.
I have tried to get him to go talk to someone together but he does not want to. He still talks to his shirnk once a month on his own which I think is good.
I am hoping when I get home tonight he will see that he was wrong and apoligize but I know he won't. I will ust get the silent treatment
Destea, I totally agree with you. I feel like all I have ever done is support him. Even the degree that he did finish, the electric/heating and air his job now has nothing to do with it. He now works with steel. Its just so frustrating that he seems to think I have ruined his life. And know with the baby coming I feel like he thinks I trapped him even though this is what we both wanted, I never forced him into anything, I just feel like our 5 year marriage is a lie, on his part anyway. I love my husband more than anything, and it just kills me that he feels we should never have gotten married,.
Have you thought about writing down everything you have to say in a letter? Bring it home with you and ask him to read it in front of you. This way you will get to say everything you need to say and he won't interupt (hopefully). When he is done reading maybe you will be able to discuss it.
I know you would support him no matter what he decides to do. That is what we loving and devoted wives do. When our men are under stress (and believe me I'm learning this the hard way right now) they say things they don't mean and do stupid things they can't take back. He's lashing out at you because you are the closest to him. I don't believe for a minute that he meant any of the things he said to you.
He may have thought he dealt with the feelings of not being able to have a bio child as well and that may have only escalated how horrible he is feeling right now. I really want to urge you to try to talk to him, even if you have to put it in a letter first. This is such a crazy time right now expecting a baby so soon, you really need eachother to lean on.
Please let me know how things go if you do talk to him.
Thanks Happymom, I do plan on talking to him tonight when I get home from work. I just hope that he has had some time to think today and is ready to talk without saying the harsh words. I will be sure to let you know tomorrow how it went
Also, I read you post about your husband, I really hope that things are working out for you. Trouble in a marrige is so hard. Your right, us wives do whatever we can to support our men and keep the peace but it does get hard
Trouble in a marrige is so hard. Your right, us wives do whatever we can to support our men and keep the peace but it does get hard
That is so true Sillygirl. I have to tell you, these past two days have been the most stressful I have dealt with in a long time. But I have faith that it will get better. You need to have that faith too. I really hope that things go well tonight when you talk.
Well my husband and I talked last night I guess it went ok. He told me he was sorry for basically telling me that I ruined his life. He said when he gets made he does not chose the best words to explain. He still says that I am not being supportive of the whole him going back to school thing even though I said it was fine I just wished he would wait a little longer. He was going to go to work today and talk to his boss about wether or not a college degree would help him advance even if it is not one in his field of work right now. He was pretty certain that it would help. He is bound a determined to start back up in Jan. even though our baby is coming in Jan. but he did say he would only take two classes. I just feel like it is a never ending battle so I gave up and said whatever you want to do. I really think once the baby is here he will regret it when he has to study instead of spend time with his family but we will see.
I am glad that he aploigized for the rude comments, it still hurts and its hard to know if he said those things out of anger or if he really meant them, he said he did not mean it but I don't know. Anyway, we went to bad happier last night and today it is like nothing happened so I guess I will just let it go.