Here we go again with the usual crap... I don't know why I'm even bothering to post this because I know fine and well I've been advised to head for the door before now and that's most likely what I'll hear again and that's probably what I ought to do anyway. My idiot bf has decided to pull his sulking stunt again and the saddest part of it is I'm not even sad; I'm used to this crap by now and I expect it from him.
Long story short for those who haven't heard it: My bf is in the habit of blowing off up to his brothers apartment (or rather HIS apartment that his brother is living in - rent free) whenever we have a row. He headed up there again yesterday after work and it's now 9.15pm in Ireland and I haven't heard a word form him since yesterday and haven't contacted him since his last text (the one informing me that he intended to stay with his brother)
What ****** him off this time was this: My sister is staying with us temporarily because she had to suddenly leave her home about a month ago (long story involving a hair pulling incident that's not relevant to my issue here, but I'll divulge if anyones looking for a laugh) Anyway, my sister works on the far side of the city, I live on the northern end of Dublin Bay and she works on the southern tip, so there's about twenty miles in the difference and I told her I'd pick her up at the weekends when she doesn't get of out the restaurant till about 1.30am cause it'd cost her a fortune in a taxi. (She gets out early enough to take the train on weekdays) So anyway, I picked her up at 1.30 and he pulled a real ****** off looking sulking face as I was heading out the door (he was heading to bed; it's well for some) My sister brought two bottles of wine home with her that night and we sat up till about 5 or 6 am drinking the wine and talking, and that's how I came to make the big mistake that sent my boyfriends attitudy arse scuttling up to his brothers - I slept it out the next morning as I was too tired to wake to drive him to work! So, (God help him what with the terrible misfortune of it all) he had to get the train for once.
Now I mean, come on! Christ on his throne! How's that a reason for him to go awol??? I guess in all reality it's not the only reason. I've noticed the last few weeks since my sister's been here he's been getting a little tetchy about her and I spending a lot of time together and him not getting as much attention as usual, but for Gods sake! He knows she's moving out the end of December so it's not like it's forever. Oh I don't know, I just feel like I'm living with a 39 year old boy...
What would you say to a man like this? (I know what you'd say Rose, but I'm sure you'll tell me anyway, ha ha)
Oh Laylah! How dare you pick your sister up at 1:30am and expect your bf to actually take a train for once the next day?
If he is going to continue to pull this crap after all the time you have been together why not call his bluff? Change the locks and drop is crap off at his brother's (I mean, his) apartment? This will send the message you are ready for a serious relationship whether it is with or without him!
Thank you Happymom. The thing here that's annoying me so much is that I know what's bothering him (or at least I think I do) but he just refuses to say. He was sitting on the sofa a couple of days back with this sulky puss on him and I said to him; "what's wrong with you"? He just said; "Nuthin" and continued to pull the same sulky puss. I just got very annoyed and told him to cop the * on and stop carrying on life a five year old in a playground and either tell me what was wrong or get out of my face till he was ready to tell me cause I wasn't into putting up with that crap anymore. He looked like he'd gotten a bit of a jolt - the sulky puss disappeared for a few moments anyway and was replaced by this startled look of alarm; he hates when I blow up like that, but honestly, I feel like I'm coming to the end of my patience here.
I feel like my time in not valued. I feel that because I work from home he just assumes my time is his to dictate and manipulate whatever way it suits him. Even if I hadn't been drinking the night before I'd have had an awful time getting out of that bed. I think what happened was he got up, couldnt rouse me, went down the stairs in the mother of all snots and then was greeted by the sight of two empty wine bottles on the kitchen table and was none to pleased to see them there since they'd cost him a car ride. I'd just love to give him a good kick up the arse right now!
Because parking in this city is monumentally expensive, we've got a gridlock problem to rival New York, it's actually worse than Calcutta I read recently in the papers, lol; so the governments response to this was to make parking spaces very limited and very expensive.
It'd cost him about a days wages to leave his van anywhere in town per week (that's assuming he could find a parking space) and he'd have problems being late into work all the time because of that. There is no staff parking supplied where he works, so all round it was a better idea for us that I'd drop him in and pick him up every day.
That wasn't a problem until I started doing the late shift driving thing for my sister, and he knows that isn't going to be an on-going thing so I really cant understand why it's knocked his nose out of joint so badly.
Gosh, Laylah ... you two seem to fight an awful lot.
I've been away from the relationship boards for a while (quit smoking, so I was hanging out over there for a bit ... now I need to revisit the weight loss boards, lol, after my quit), but are you two still engaged?
If so, you two really need to have a sit down chat. Are things as petty as this going to send him to his brother's (or anywhere for that matter) once you're married, or is he ready to face the challenges of marriage and work through problems?
Not for nothing, I can see where he'd be ticked at you. Now, I'm going purely by what you just wrote here, but he might have been relying on you in the morning, and you chose to tie one on with your sister until the wee hours of the morning, making it so you wouldn't much to good to anybody. I'm just putting myself in his shoes. I'd be ticked if my hubby did that. But, Christ on his throne (love that one -- you Irish are just a hoot!), leaving and not speaking to you over this is completely overreacting and extremely childish. If this gets him hemming and hawing (there's some Deep South United States fer ya' ... it means "upset"), how's he going to react when a real bonafide problem presents itself?
So, yeah, I can see where you might have acted a little irresponsibly. Maybe pick nights to tie one on with sis when you don't have folks relying on you in the morning ... there, you get your hand slapped. On a scale of one to ten of reasons to get into a fight, one being laughable, ten being it's time to call a lawyer and move in with a sibling, I'd put this at about a three.
But, again, I'm only going by what you wrote here. This one small incident could have been the "straw that broke the camel's back" in his mind. For all I know, he's been feeling like a low priority on your list, and now this just "takes the cake."
The bottom line is: You two obviously fight/argue a lot. You both are going to have to come up with some kind of truce or agreement about what's acceptable and what isn't during your fights. Him just picking up and leaving when he's got an attiturdy arse (LMAO!!!!) will only make even the mildest of your arguments MUCH worse.
I can't help but wonder why he always leaves like this. Is he abusive? Not necessarily to you, but has he been (or alleged to have been) abusive towards other(s) in the past? He just always leaves like this
ETA: I see where you've expanded a bit in responses to others. Something's bothering him, has been bothering him, but he won't say what it is. He sulks. You know what it is, but you want him to say it. You give him a jolt and a piece of your mind when he doesn't tell you what's wrong. Laylah, now you're both acting like five year olds in the playground! You must know that by the two of you playing that game, the only result is going to be a volcano-like eruption from one of the two of you -- if not the both of you!
Something has been bothering him, and I think this is the straw that broke the camel's back. You both need to work on communication, and he needs to learn coping skills. Leaving like that is a cop-out and will only fuel the fire of that volcano I referred to above.
Last edited by StenoLady1; 11-26-2007 at 03:27 PM.
I feel like my time in not valued. I feel that because I work from home he just assumes my time is his to dictate and manipulate whatever way it suits him. Even if I hadn't been drinking the night before I'd have had an awful time getting out of that bed.
I can completely understand how frustrating that can be. My exhusband lost his lisence for a while when our daughter was around a year and half old. We lived about a half hour away from his job, and he worked some very late nights. He refused to take the train and insisted that I drive him every day, even if that meant my daughter and I were waiting in a deserted parking lot at 1am. Anyway, sorry to rant. Enough about my ex!
Once you two do talk I think this is something you need to discuss. If you are going to continue with your relationship then something has got to give. Can't he take public transportation one way and you give him a ride the other way? I don't know, some sort of arrangement that doesn't make you feel like a live in chauffer? There is nothing worse than feeling used (for the lack of a better word).
But yes, you do also need to discuss if he is going to continue to pull his disappearance act once you are married. My husband pulled this last week, walking out late one night leaving me with the children. Grant it, I had my blame in the situation, but I made damn sure that he knew I would NEVER tolerate him doing that again. That isn't how you resolve differences in a marriage. This is something that really needs to be brought to light.
It is pretty appearent that he is lacking with communication. Perhaps some pre-marriage counselling would help with this issue?
Thanks StenoLady. Yes, I can see why he'd be mildly ****** off, but the thing was, he allegedly didnt mind getting the train because before I left to pick my sister up he asked me did I want him to get the train the next morning because he knew I'd be tired after the late night drive. He knew I wouldnt be getting back here with my sister till about half two and that I'd be lucky to be asleep for three, so he asked me did I want him to get the train and I (not knowing vino was going to enter into the equation) said: "No, I'll be grand" ('grand' meaning 'alright' in Dublinese, lol)
There was another incident at about 5.30am or so which I didn't divulge because I didn't want to be getting too vulgar, but here goes: He has suddenly started dictating that he does not want me smoking in the bedroom. This has been going on for several weeks (fair play to you on the non smoking front by the way) and I'm not interested in putting up with it. I am intending to give up myself from January 1st so as far as I'm concerned in the meantime I'll be doing all the bedroom smoking I damn well please.
The annoying thing is he's a smoker himself! He just doesn't appreciate smoking in the bedroom; he has this theory that it is unhealthier than your garden variety standing-up smoking because the smoke goes deeper into your lungs or some such ridiculous nonsense; anyway on the night (or rather the morning, lol) in question I'd finished my wine and talking and my hormones got the better of me and I went up to bed and shagged him stupid in his sleep, (which was fine by him, I didn't hear any complaints coming out of him) and then afterwards of course I lit my usual post-coital cigarette - well, that's when the problems started; he got the duvet and put it over his face (his recent stunt to signify that he cant bear bedroom smoking) and I said; "What the * are you doing"? Now, bear in mind, this is happening somewhere between five and ten seconds after I've just climbed off the man! I couldn't believe what I was seeing! The insensitivity of it, it really upset me, and in fairness probably the wine didn't help; he answered: "You know I hate that" I said: "I cant believe you'd do that just seconds after we've made love". Didn't seem to matter to him... And then of course as you know the next morning I slept in.
Later that day I texted him to find out what time he was off work. He didn't respond. A couple of hours later I called him and the phone rang a couple of times and suddenly went onto message minder, so I'm convinced he knocked it off; it normally rings for much longer than that. Then another couple of hours later I get the following text into my phone:
"I'm going to head out to my bros. I'll stay out there tonight. Okay."
I didn't feel that merited a response, so I didn't bother giving one, and that was yesterday evening. No contact since then in either direction. I'm pretty sure that it was the sleeping in thing rather than the post-coital cigarette that did it, but those incidents, either individually or collectively, surely shouldn't provoke a reaction like this? And also, on the subject of bedrooms; I've given up the outside of the bed for this man - never happened before in my relationship history. I've moved the damn bed across the room because he maintained there was a draft coming from the window (which there wasn't) and now he's telling me not to smoke in my own bed!!! The way I feel right now I'm thinking it's a pity I don't smoke cannabis because if I did I'd roll myself a big fat joint and lie right there in my bed blowing contraband in his face!
Last edited by Laylah; 11-26-2007 at 04:17 PM.
I think it very possible that he has been getting tired of your sister's month long visit so far. On one hand he knows there is a family obligation so he doesn't want to say anything but he wants his space. I had relatives over for 4 days over Thanksgiving and I couldn't wait for them to leave.
I bet it has been building up inside and your not driving him was just an excuse to go to his brothers. No, he did not handle it well but that is the way he is.
It is pretty appearent that he is lacking with communication. Perhaps some pre-marriage counselling would help with this issue?
I've made that a condition of my marrying him actually Happymom; it'd be madness to marry someone with these sorts of fights going on unresolved. We need a way to work through this and that is exactly the problem, he has zero communication skills it seems. Every time there's a row it's always left to me to be the adult and try to find a way through for us, he just seems to want to come home and pick up where we left off without discussing anything, which of course, during the times I go with that approach out of pure mental fatigue, inevitably we land up right back where we started.
He was sitting on the sofa a couple of days back with this sulky puss on him and I said to him; "what's wrong with you"? He just said; "Nuthin" and continued to pull the same sulky puss. I just got very annoyed and told him to cop the * on and stop carrying on life a five year old in a playground and either tell me what was wrong or get out of my face till he was ready to tell me cause I wasn't into putting up with that crap anymore. He looked like he'd gotten a bit of a jolt - the sulky puss disappeared for a few moments anyway and was replaced by this startled look of alarm; he hates when I blow up like that, but honestly, I feel like I'm coming to the end of my patience here.
I am terrified of your Irish temper just reading this bit. What a terrific invitation to talk about something that is bothering you. I guess he shouldn't have run off, but that approach says to me "Let's have a fight", and I probably wouldn't hang around for it either. Is this the sister who has caused untold problems between you before? In his shoes, I would feel VERY unsafe with the two of you together, waiting for the inevitable fallout where he will get caught in the middle. You already know he is a person who will avoid conflict at all costs; don't tell me anything about this is any sort of a surprise to you. Good luck and enjoy the reconciliation, LOL Sera
Thanks Sera. Well, the thing is, I've spent more than five years now dealing with these sulks and I've tried every trick in the book to get him to tell me what's on his mind when he gets like this; I've tried asking him to talk to me, imploring him to talk to me, cuddling and cajoling and all that crap, and - nothing works, and I mean nothing.
I don't think I have a particularly bad temper and I think if I did I'd have blown up many moons ago, but at the end of half a decade, I can tell you, you find your patience running pretty damn short. He had also (I cant remember if I made the point already) but he'd had that sulking puss on him for about two days at that point. I'd love to give you a look at the particular type of sulking puss I'm talking about Sera - take it from me, it's the sort that'd make your hand itch.
You are absolutely right on one point though; you said I couldn't possibly say this situation surprises me - I can confidently confirm that it doesn't. There still hasn't been any contact. I was speaking to a friend of mine today and she was asking me how I was feeling and how this was affecting me; I told her I didn't give a damn actually, that I was in no way surprised and that, as I pointed out in my original post, I had actually come to expect this sort of BS from him. Of course I'm doing the usual now; considering leaving; but I've no way how this is all going to pan out. I'll keep you all updated!