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Old 11-27-2007, 10:44 AM   #1
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Angry I don't know what is wrong with her:Long

I'm 22 and I don't get along with my mom. When I first started dating my fiance she treated her nicely. It was until my fiance came over with groceries and offered to cook for me she became weird towards her. I like it that my fiance knows how to cook and I always request that she cook tacos for me. My mom started complaining that we didn't do the dishes (which we did). And when we tried to go and wash them she would get to them before us. Meaning she would do the dishes while we were eating our meal then go and complain to my dad. She no longer greeted my fiance anymore unless she wanted to tell her something bad about me. For example, she even started telling my fiance bad lies. Telling her I was going to be just like my dad and become abusive and treat her horribly. And that I was a lazy person. While growing up my dad was very abusive towards my mom he even choked her while my sister and I were little while he was driving the car. I always told myslef I never wanted to be like my father and that I will treat my wife with respect. This made me upset my own mom would think that about me. So I wen't and talked to her about her behavior (without yelling and nicely told her how I felt) and she got angry and told my dad so my dad calls me and starts yelling at me. I didn't do anything wrong I told him and he wouldn't hear of it. This has happened everytime I have tried to talk to her about her behavior. She gets angry and calls my dad and I get in trouble. My fiance has talked to her once about her behavior and my mom said that there wasn't anything wrong and that she liked her and then she gave her a hug. When I proposed, and I asked my fiance to marry me, she thought we should tell my parents and we did. I didn't wan't to because I somehow thought my mom wouldn't be happy for us. The reaction we got from my mom was rude and you can tell she wasn't happy about our engagement. Oneday my fiance was in my room and I was working out and the music was on and she storms in the room yelling and screaming at the top of her lungs saying the music was too loud (but I've always worked out to loud music and she never said anything before). Then I tried to tell her to calm down and she picks up a can and tried to throw it at my head and tells me to get out of the house. Then started screaming that she was going to call the police on me. So I left, my fiance was scared and upset. So Her mom calls my mom and my mom tells more lies. She said that I had tried to hit her and that I have been very disrespectful towards her ever since I started dating my fiance. She even told her mom that I changed. I don't understand this. I decided to get a job and move out and get my own apartment. I couldn't handle her behavior anymore. Things were just getting worse by the minute. My dad even started yelling at my fiance and me telling us we have attitudes and that we are ignoring my mom. I didn't talk to my mom for a few weeks while I was living on my own and my fiance said that I should talk to her and give her a chance and that maybe she's jealous of our relationship so I agreed. I envited her over and she completly ignored my fiance and when my fiance tried to have a conversation with her she cut her off and would walk off. Now I don't have anything to do with my parents it's been a year since I talked to them and they send holiday cards but I don't acknowlegde them. I think my mom needs help and if I let her in my life again she will just continue to act worse. She hurt me alot and not having her in my life makes things easier. Through all the arguing with her she even told me that she wishes I wasn't born. That really hurt me how can a mother say that to her own son? My grandma and sister tell me that it's because she was losing her baby boy to another women and that's why she behaved that way. Is it possible that this is what was causing her behavior I mean are mothers suppose to act like this when their son is with somone or getting married?

 
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Old 11-27-2007, 11:15 AM   #2
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Re: I don't know what is wrong with her:Long

It is very hard for a mom to 'let go' of her children, especially her son. This sounds like a bad case of jealousy on your mothers part...she is jealous of your fiancee, as she has 'taken her son away'.

That said, your mother's behaviour is totally not acceptable and good for you that you moved out and had your fiancee's back.

This is a tough one. The only thing I can suggest is perhaps to spend some alone time with your mom and assure her that although you love her and wish to stay in touch, if she can't accept that you also love another woman whom you are hoping to marry, then you will have to cut the contact as she is hurting you too much. Let her realize it is either both of you, or neither, and that you are giving her a last chance and that she will also miss out on her grandchildren.

 
Old 11-27-2007, 11:15 AM   #3
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Re: I don't know what is wrong with her:Long

Two things to address here.

One, I think your sister and grandmother are right. I think your mother is taking "losing" you badly. My mother-in-law did similar, if much less extreme things when I went to visit her house for the holidays for the first time. She'd cry in the middle of the night, wake her son up and accuse him of taking advantage of her and not appreciating her, even though he was a perfect gentleman and I was a polite guest. You say this started after your fiancee started cooking for you; I see a connection.

Two, your mom is also acting with a large dose of crazy. Did she ever behave this erratically before? If your mom is an unstable person then she does need help, and having her in your life before she gets that will only hurt you. If this is totally new behavior, then maybe she'll get over it eventually, and it would be a shame to keep her out of your life forever for a mistake she's making now.

In any case, I think you're doing the right thing by staying away from her. This is her problem to work through and I don't think there's anything you can do to help except be there to forgive her when she realizes what she's done.

 
Old 11-27-2007, 11:26 AM   #4
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Re: I don't know what is wrong with her:Long

Wow, I’m sorry that you have been faced with the decision. Finance or family. I kind of went through the same situation with my daughter’s father’s mother. We had to live with her while I was pregnant and after the baby was born. She would do the same thing with the dishes. While we were eating, she would try to do them and I would pretty much have to fight her to let me wash my own dishes. She also would go into our bedroom and do our laundry. I was extremely offended to say the least. Some people might actually love the idea of somebody cleaning after them but…not me. I was a new mother and I felt that it was very disrespectful after I told her numerous times to stay away from my draws!!

I am very independent and didn’t know that I would have to prove myself! I had no problem with doing my own cleaning. I mean, I felt good that I was taking care of the family and doing the ‘wife’ work. That made me feel really good you know. I talked to her a million times but the things that she would do would just get creepier. She dug in my trash several times and questioned me about things that she found. She would listen to mine and my bf’s conversations and all of our arguments and always take his side. Even if he hit me! There was even a time that my bf messed me up pretty bad. I got my daughter packed and ready to go and she choked me and told me that I wasn’t leaving anywhere with her grand daughter. Oh, and after my daughter was born, I would wake up in the middle of the night to find that the baby wasn’t in her crib but in bed with her!! She would tell my daughter to call her mom. Also, she said that I was being too hard on my daughter when I would put her in the corner for not eating ect. I would always have to calmly say something to her and let her know that she was overstepping her boundaries. Of course, she would get offended and start yelling, no matter what the situation. No wonder why her son is so freaking spoiled and in and out of rehab for several different addictions!

I’m sorry, enough about me. Some people are just crazy. I’m sorry, just her actions are of envy and jealously. There was and is no reason why she should be acting that way. I think that it has a lot to do with her history. What she has endured throughout her life. I’m sure that you already know this but my advice to you would to just move on with your life. I mean, I would try to contact your mom just to see if anything has changed with her feeling towards you and your finance. Also, I give thumbs up to your woman! She stuck by you man. She’s a keeper!

 
Old 11-27-2007, 11:44 AM   #5
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Re: I don't know what is wrong with her:Long

Quote:
Originally Posted by jeff84 View Post
Is it possible that this is what was causing her behavior I mean are mothers suppose to act like this when their son is with somone or getting married?
Well, this could very well be a reason jeff84, but it is by no means an excuse to treat you or your fiance the way she did.

Mothers do tend to go through this with their boys. I was married and had a daughter before I met my current husband who was never married before me. We married after only dating for 10 months and his mother really wasn't too keen on the idea. But she was never rude to me. After two years of marriage we have a wonderful relationship. I know not all women have great relationships with their MILs, but I don't know many who deal with the mental abuse that you and your fiance have.

Until I got to the end of your post I was going to tell you to move away and have no more contact, but I see you have already done that. Unfortunately that is the way it is with some relationships. You are not at fault here. Your mother is obviously very jealous of your fiance. I think she also has some mental issues, no doubt stemming from the abuse she suffered from your father. I'm sure you miss having a relationship with her, but she is the one who needs to change. Perhaps the next time she sends you a card you could send one back expressing how much you miss how she "use to be" and encourage her to seek some help if she would like to repair the rift between you. I wouldn't under any circumstances subject your fiance to her abuse until you see for yourself that she is a changed woman, something that may never happen.

 
Old 11-27-2007, 12:12 PM   #6
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Re: I don't know what is wrong with her:Long

Thank you for your replies. Yes, my mom has been very unhappy with my dad. You can just see it on her face. He treats her like a slave not a wife, the man doesn't do anything for himself. She brings him his water and his plate of food. She even puts on and takes off his shoes and socks. He stays in the room all day looking at pornnography while she's just sitting in the living room all day by herself. He even keeps loads of naked women saved on his computer. He doesn't take her anywhere because he takes the money and uses it on drugs or junk he doesn't need. So I do believe when I brought my fiance over and we did things together that created jealousy. Now I hear she works full time and he quit his job and he stays at home doing nothing. He still beats her up ocassionally. If she's that unhappy with my dad she should leave him. But she won't, she even packed up his bags oneday after he hit her but couldn't go through with it. She also tells my sister that it hurts that I don't talk to her. If it really hurt then she would be an adult and call and say she's sorry and act right like a mother.

Layla333, yes! she's only behaved this way when I dated my fiance. My fiance was the first girl I ever brought over to meet my parents. It did make our relationship rocky because of her behavior, but we got through it. As long as she continues to stay with my dad I do believe her behavior won't change. My sister and grandma are hoping that I forgive her but I feel like they are trying to talk for her whenever they mention her. I wan't her to call and talk for herself and say she's sorry and then maybe I'll give her a chance.

 
Old 11-27-2007, 12:33 PM   #7
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Re: I don't know what is wrong with her:Long

Wow jeff84! I really feel for your poor mother after that last post. How sad it is that she has basically "given up" her life to be the submissive wife. The sad thing is there are so many women out there who just don't even know how to begin to think for themselves in these situations. I mean, this has been your mother's reality for over 20 years!

I'm not saying any of that to make you feel guilty at all. You did what you had to do for your own mental sanity and for your future marriage. And I agree with JulJul that fiance is a keeper standing by you after all of this. In a perfect a world your mom would be able to be a better mother to you, but unfortunately this world isn't perfect. Yes, she should be the bigger person and appologize for her actions, but you have to realize that is never going to happen. Sometimes we have to meet in the middle somewhere.

Why don't you invite your mother out for lunch somewhere public and talk. Hopefully being out in public will deter her from blowing up and yelling. But seriously, see if you can't come to some sort of agreement or something. See if you can't convince her to seek some therapy and try to distance herself from your father. This may never work, or it may be the nudge she needs.

I know it's not your responsibility to hold your mother's hand and get her to act like an adult and stand up for herself. But isn't it worth giving it a try if you just may be able to have a relationship with her? I don't see what you have to lose.

 
Old 11-27-2007, 12:50 PM   #8
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Re: I don't know what is wrong with her:Long

Gosh what a sad post..

I agree that it does sound like she is jealous of your girlfriend, not personally, but because in her eyes she is taking her happiness away.

Your father sounds absolutely horrid to your mother, and although I don't accept her behaviour towards you and your partner, I can see how the way he has treated her over the years is enough to turn anyone into a sad angry and irrational person.

It seems to me that you have been 'her life' up until your girlfriend came on the scene, and maybe she is terrified of her taking you away, cause then she has to face what's left of her own life - with your father.

I think you have done the right thing by leaving, but don't give up on her, she is one unhappy sad lady

Last edited by brook65; 11-27-2007 at 12:52 PM.

 
Old 11-27-2007, 01:14 PM   #9
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Re: I don't know what is wrong with her:Long

Quote:
Originally Posted by happymom28 View Post
Wow jeff84! I really feel for your poor mother after that last post. How sad it is that she has basically "given up" her life to be the submissive wife. The sad thing is there are so many women out there who just don't even know how to begin to think for themselves in these situations. I mean, this has been your mother's reality for over 20 years!

I'm not saying any of that to make you feel guilty at all. You did what you had to do for your own mental sanity and for your future marriage. And I agree with JulJul that fiance is a keeper standing by you after all of this. In a perfect a world your mom would be able to be a better mother to you, but unfortunately this world isn't perfect. Yes, she should be the bigger person and appologize for her actions, but you have to realize that is never going to happen. Sometimes we have to meet in the middle somewhere.

Why don't you invite your mother out for lunch somewhere public and talk. Hopefully being out in public will deter her from blowing up and yelling. But seriously, see if you can't come to some sort of agreement or something. See if you can't convince her to seek some therapy and try to distance herself from your father. This may never work, or it may be the nudge she needs.

I know it's not your responsibility to hold your mother's hand and get her to act like an adult and stand up for herself. But isn't it worth giving it a try if you just may be able to have a relationship with her? I don't see what you have to lose.
Hi happymom28, thank you for your advice also. My mom HAS been told by everyone to leave him but she refuses. Her reply: "Don't say anything because I love him". I know she would be a better person if she wasn't with him. I just wish if that's going to be her choice then don't take it out on everyone who is around her. Yes, I have met more then once past the middle. On mothers day this is when I lived with my parents I bought her a card that told her I loved her and a red rose. Her behavior subsided alittle but within a few weeks it started up again. My fiance and I even invited her to the apartment, after she said harsh words to hurt me in the past and she still had it in for my fiance. My fiance asked my grandma what was up with her attitude and my grandma saids that my mom told her that she didn't have anything to say to my fiance when she came to the apartment. And she yells infront of anyone it doesn't matter if she's in public. When relatives were down and they were staying with them my dad called my mom a b**** in front of everyone. My parents both have tempers and loud mouths to go with it. She didn't even care my fiance was standing there and she had the can ready to throw it at my head. So it's kinda hard to say she will behave right if I talk to her. I'm scared she will say something to my fiance, also, I hear she blames her for the way our relationship is. We both tried but I really don't think it's going to work.

 
Old 11-27-2007, 01:22 PM   #10
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Re: I don't know what is wrong with her:Long

Quote:
Originally Posted by brook65 View Post
Gosh what a sad post..

I agree that it does sound like she is jealous of your girlfriend, not personally, but because in her eyes she is taking her happiness away.

Your father sounds absolutely horrid to your mother, and although I don't accept her behaviour towards you and your partner, I can see how the way he has treated her over the years is enough to turn anyone into a sad angry and irrational person.

It seems to me that you have been 'her life' up until your girlfriend came on the scene, and maybe she is terrified of her taking you away, cause then she has to face what's left of her own life - with your father.

I think you have done the right thing by leaving, but don't give up on her, she is one unhappy sad lady
Yes, I'm hoping oneday we could talk without her yelling and screaming at me and putting me down. She just has to understand that she's not losing me to my fiance. Infact, I would look at it this way, she's keeping her son and gaining a daughter in law.

 
Old 11-28-2007, 02:46 AM   #11
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Re: I don't know what is wrong with her:Long

Your fiancee sounds like a lovely person. I wish my DIL was half as nice. In the seven years that I have known her, she has NEVER called me for a chat, most times I invite them to dinner she has a headache, and either doesn't come or presses to leave early. I have tried everything to find a common ground. There are children now, and that has helped, but I would LOVE a DIL who was a friend as well.

 
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