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Old 11-29-2007, 04:54 PM   #1
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Help me with a question about my wife.

I will try to keep it simple. When me and my wife fight, she rebels. Like tonight, we had an issue last night so what does she do? she goes to the bar after work and turns off her cell phone. She didn't even tell me she was going. I found out from a friend after 4 hours of not hearing from her. Instead of coming home and talking about last night she goes out and drinks. She does this every time we fight. It's as if she is 16 and wants to show me that she can do what she wants. Problem is...shes 32.

 
Old 11-29-2007, 05:12 PM   #2
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Re: Help me with a question about my wife.

I used to do the same thing with my ex-husband. It was a very immature relationship on both of our behalfs. It was a one up relationship when ever we were mad at eachother. I would suggest counselling, it may help her see that she is being immature and that adults need to talk a problem out to deal with it. I am happily married now to another man and I find that this approach certainly makes for a happier marriage. Good luck to you and your wife. I hope it works out for you.

 
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Old 11-29-2007, 05:56 PM   #3
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Re: Help me with a question about my wife.

Is she a spoilt brat? I know people like her, and they need a good dose of maturity. Sometimes it never arrives. As the PP suggested, try some counselling, but don't expect much. It may be more effective to ignore her tantrums, and just act as if you didn't even notice she wasn't there. If it gets no reaction, she may stop doing it.

 
Old 11-29-2007, 06:37 PM   #4
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Re: Help me with a question about my wife.

I'd be interested to hear a bit more information OP, I've a feeling there's more to the story. I don't really understand the meaning behind the comment "she rebels". She's a grown woman and doesn't need to rebel. I don't get where you're coming from in seeing her heading off to a bar as rebellion; it's not like you're her father! The knocking the phone off thing is OTT though, I have to concede. That would seriously aggravate me.

Does she behave like this over every little disagreement? Or does she reserve it for major blow-outs? And what kind of stuff would you be arguing about that would usually see her running out the door like that?

 
Old 11-29-2007, 07:15 PM   #5
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Re: Help me with a question about my wife.

The story is that everytime we argue she does something just to make me mad. Tonight I came home to talk about it and she went to the bar. The reason behind this fight is that she came home late last night after a couple drinks (4-5 is a couple to her) and I went out for dinner and didn't get her any. She never called or anything, she just came home at 7:30 and was mad because I didn't get her dinner. I know I am not a saint but come on. Everytime we fight I try to make good with it, no matter if I'm wrong or right.

 
Old 11-29-2007, 07:43 PM   #6
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Re: Help me with a question about my wife.

Quote:
Originally Posted by robgest View Post
The story is that everytime we argue she does something just to make me mad. Tonight I came home to talk about it and she went to the bar. The reason behind this fight is that she came home late last night after a couple drinks (4-5 is a couple to her) and I went out for dinner and didn't get her any. She never called or anything, she just came home at 7:30 and was mad because I didn't get her dinner. I know I am not a saint but come on. Everytime we fight I try to make good with it, no matter if I'm wrong or right.
Sounds like she's got communication problems so. Lucky she's not with my bloke, they wouldn't last a week. I have a few questions if you wouldn't mind answering them:

How long are you two married?

Has it always been like this? (i.e. was it like this before the marriage?)

Does it bother you that she drinks four or five drinks in one sitting? (If so think yourself lucky you didn't marry an Irish woman!)

Would she always make or buy dinner for you? (If so I don't blame her for feeling you were inconsiderate, though she did display an extreme reaction to that)

I think that, fair enough, she should have called last night; but really, coming home at seven thirty after four or five drinks is really not any kind of big deal and certainly no reason to have a fight. I mean, what exactly were you admonishing her for? Was it for not calling? Or for coming in at 7.30 with a few drinks on her? If it was the latter, I don't think you have any right to be telling a grown woman not to come home a couple of hours after work with a few drinks on her! Maybe she just wanted to spend some time unwinding after work; what's wrong with that?!

 
Old 11-30-2007, 07:11 AM   #7
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Re: Help me with a question about my wife.

So she came home around 7:30 and had a few drinks in her? Does she not have the right to have a few drinks before coming home? I don't understand. Maybe it was the whole "she rebels" thing that gets me thinking.

I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I'm thinking she "rebels" because she doesn't like being told what to do. Correct me if I'm wrong because I think a little more background information would be helpful. But I have to tell you, if my husband called me rebellious for having a few drinks before coming home I probably would have headed out for a few hours too in order to cool off. A statement like that sounds very "athorative" and "fatherly". You don't hear too many husbands refering to their wives as "rebellious" unless they were the controlling type.

Believe me, I'm not trying to be offensive here. I'm just going on what you posted. I welcome you to share more information and correct me if I'm wrong. I am able to be more helpful when I know more of the story.

 
Old 11-30-2007, 07:31 AM   #8
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Re: Help me with a question about my wife.

I don't know... I almost get the impression from the poster here that his wife is a frequenter of the bar for the 4 or 5 drinks, if that's one sitting and that one sitting is pretty common - are you at all concerned about her drinking?

I'm not prude when it comes to alcohol, but I am pretty health conscious and 4-5 drinks multiple nights of a week is considered binge drinking, and really... not quite good O.o That's pretty normal in say... your college years or early - mid 20's (and some cultures! ), but exactly how often is she out binge drinking in a given week? If this is something she only pulls on you once a week or every few weeks, disregard my comments Some people just need to get away - while it's not necessarily the most effect form of communication in a marriage, some people do retreat to themselves if they're annoyed. I know I run for the bathtub whenever I don't feel like looking at my hubby (usually grab a book and stay in there for an hour or two lol).

Still... if this is a really common occurance, and over something as silly as you not buying her dinner, it does seem a pretty extreme reaction. Honestly, as a personal opinion here, anyone running for alcohol every time they have an argument as a form of escape could be walking a very fine line towards a not-so-good place, and if nothing else that'd concern me about my other half if I were in your situation.

While no one likes to be told or treated like a child, and sure maybe you do come across that way in your response to her fleeing... frankly if her response to every argument is to run away from the problem she sort of IS acting like a child, so I guess I can't really blame your natural reaction. If my hubby did that I'd probably get into an authoritive place too, when people act like children I tend to treat them that way just out of natural tendency.

You guys definitely need to figure out a communication path... it's one thing if she likes to go have a drink w/ friends every thursday but if she only goes off to the bar in reaction to your fights that is kind of a problem, imo.

Last edited by Destea; 11-30-2007 at 07:32 AM.

 
Old 11-30-2007, 07:39 AM   #9
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Re: Help me with a question about my wife.

I'mn ot sure about this one. You use the word " rebel" agaisn't you. I don't get that. I go out with freinds for drinks at least once every few weeks, and I stay out way later than 7:30, more like midnight to 1 am. But I'm not rebelling againsn't him, I'm just going out having fun with friends. do you give her a hard time every time she wants to go out with freinds? if so, maybe she uses these fights as a chance to get out wtih freinds? It just seems this whole thing is a little strange. Turning off the cell phone isn't cool, but is it because she she knows you will keep calling and demanding she comes home? Just confused about this one. If you weren't in a fight, would you have a problem with her going out with friends for drinks?

 
Old 11-30-2007, 07:51 AM   #10
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Re: Help me with a question about my wife.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jennie250 View Post
I'mn ot sure about this one. You use the word " rebel" agaisn't you. I don't get that. I go out with freinds for drinks at least once every few weeks, and I stay out way later than 7:30, more like midnight to 1 am. But I'm not rebelling againsn't him, I'm just going out having fun with friends. do you give her a hard time every time she wants to go out with freinds? if so, maybe she uses these fights as a chance to get out wtih freinds? It just seems this whole thing is a little strange. Turning off the cell phone isn't cool, but is it because she she knows you will keep calling and demanding she comes home? Just confused about this one. If you weren't in a fight, would you have a problem with her going out with friends for drinks?
I really think this situation is different than her having plans to go out with friends and a fun night at a bar. It sounds like she ONLY went to the bar in the first place because they argued and she wanted to run away and not deal with it. Even so... using a fight as an excuse to go meet up with friends isn't really a healthy alternative either in a marriage, is it? O.o

I'd agree with you if it sounded like he was only throwing a fit because she was out with her friends having a good time... but.. that doesn't seem like the case from how I'm reading it... OP? Can you fill us in?

 
Old 11-30-2007, 07:55 AM   #11
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Re: Help me with a question about my wife.

I think the OP has a genuine problem. I know a lot of ladies on these boards always stick up for the women, but based solely on what OP writes, I think what his wife is doing is not acceptable.

Like Destea wrote, my first thought was the wife has a drinking problem. Four to five drinks in one sitting "after work" is a lot, IMO. And then, as the OP said, every time they get into a fight, she leaves and hits the bar. Neither of these seem very healthy.

I don't read the OP's use of the word rebellious as meaning he's trying to control her or be her daddy. I read it to mean that the wife knows her lack of putting forth any effort in resolving an issue with her husband irritates him, and it's now her way of dealing with all arguments; there is no compromise, as she just leaves; basically she's saying with her actions, "Take it or leave it, but I'm not budging. Later."

Sorry, but I don't agree with the majority of the posters here. I think if a woman posted here and said her husband was having four, five drinks before he came home from work, didn't call to check in and talk about things like dinner plans, became angry when dinner wasn't available when he got home, and just left off to the bar every time they got in a fight, turned his phone off, was nonresponsive and made no effort to "fix" what the problem was, the advice would be a resounding, "Kick 'em to the curb."

OP, I'm sorry you're having this trouble with your wife. I don't think you're going to be able to work on your marriage until she gets a handle on her drinking and stops using it as a refuge every time she hits a road bump in life.

 
Old 11-30-2007, 09:16 AM   #12
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Re: Help me with a question about my wife.

Sorry, but I don't agree with the majority of the posters here. I think if a woman posted here and said her husband was having four, five drinks before he came home from work, didn't call to check in and talk about things like dinner plans, became angry when dinner wasn't available when he got home, and just left off to the bar every time they got in a fight, turned his phone off, was nonresponsive and made no effort to "fix" what the problem was, the advice would be a resounding, "Kick 'em to the curb."


actually, I probably would have had the same questions, if it was because the wife didn't even want the husband going out, etc. I frequent another board, and there was a post like this a while back from a wife. She was angry because he husband had gone out for drinks and had turned off the phone, hadn't called and she was furious. But then apon further investigation, she admitted that she didn't " allow" him to go out unless she was invited, and based on that, my theory was while his behaviour wasn't right, he was probably just sick and tired of being controled and told he coudln't see friends without her and the only way he knew she woudln't call every two seconds was to turn off his phone. Not saying this is the case here, I have no idea to be honest, but I wouldn't automatically side with the wife. I do think it's not cool to expect dinner on the table, to take off every time you have a fight, but was just curious what the other peices of the puzzle were.

 
Old 11-30-2007, 09:26 AM   #13
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Re: Help me with a question about my wife.

Well, I don't think I automatically sided with the wife. I just believe there is more to there story (there always is). Obviously OP isn't to come out and admit whether or not he "allows" her to go out with friends or whatever. But he described he wife's behavior as "rebellious", and I'm sorry, but that is a term used to describe a teenager breaking curfew.

I completely agree that his wife turning off her phone like that is wrong. I would be completely ****** off is my husband did that. But I wouldn't say he is "rebelling" against me.

OP, I think it would be helpful to just have a little bit more info to go on since we all seem pretty split about the subject.

 
Old 11-30-2007, 01:26 PM   #14
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Re: Help me with a question about my wife.

Ok, here it is. My wife goes to the bar at least one night a week with her friends, I have no problem with that. But she has on many occasions “forgot what time it was” and come home at 1-2 in the morning. Heck on one occasion she went out and got drunk and called me at 11 pm to tell me she was going to the casino with some friends. Guess what all of those friends are single and they didn’t get home till 7 am the next morning. I trust my wife and don’t think she is fooling around, and like I said I don’t care if she goes out after work for a couple of drinks, but I do think that she should call me and tell me what is going on.
And on top of this when I mention going for professional help as a couple she tells me that we don’t need it. I think because she has a degree and a real nice job that she knows more than a shrink. Sometimes I feel like our rolls are reversed in this marriage. Most of the time I hear this stuff coming from a women.

 
Old 11-30-2007, 01:32 PM   #15
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Re: Help me with a question about my wife.

Ok, well maybe once a week is a bit much, maybe not, depending on how your relationship is. I go out dancing with my friends, some are single, some are married, and I usuallys tay out until midnight or 1 am so that in itself shouldn't worry you too much. Sometimes, if I am really having fun, I come home even later. I usually go out once every 2 to 3 weeks like this so it's not every weekend ( I have no desire to go out every weekend), and once every 4 or 5 months I go on a girls trip that involves alot of shopping, dancing, and drinking and fun. That's just me though, my relationship is solid, and my husband and I rarely fight, and when we do it's almost funny because it's so minor. I do keep my cell on for emergencies ( we have kids), but my husband doesn't call to check up on me. If we were in a fight, I most certainly wouldn't run away like that.

Do you also go out with your freinds? Do you have kids? Do you do fun things as a couple? Those things are important, if she is out and you never get to go out, that isn't fair. If you don't do couple things, that also isn't good because couple time is important as well

Last edited by jennie250; 11-30-2007 at 01:33 PM.

 
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