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Old 12-03-2007, 02:49 PM   #1
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Mother Dissaproves of Girlfriend

I have been dating a girl for almost three years, who I met online dating. I am 37 and she is 32. From the moment that I started dating her, I knew that she was probably not what my mother had envisioned her son dating. Specifically, she has a child from a previous marriage, which she shares 50-50 with her ex-husband. In addition, she did not complete college because she dropped out to have her daughter. Apart from that, she comes from an extremely financially limited family and no one in her family has a college degree.

For the most part, during the time that we have been dating, things have been pretty good and we have fought very little. In April, I moved into a new place with her that was much larger than her previous place where she was living. While I always got the sense that my mother in particular did not approve of my girlfriend, she never came out and said it until recently. Previously, she was friendly to my girlfriend and her daughter and would sometimes by them presents just to be nice. While I do not think that my girlfriend was "ideal" for my mother, at least at that time, my mother was not saying anything to specific.


During Thanksgiving, my girlfriend got the idea that it would be great to get the families together and have Thanksgiving at our new house. Needless to say, it turned out to be a disaster. Her family came over, and her family and my parents had basically nothing at all to talk about. In addition, their behavior was crass and, in some cases, improper given that there was an inappropriate comment by one of her family members to my girlfriend's daughter, who is 10 years old.

After the disaster that was Thanksgiving, I was speaking to my mother about another subject and, basically, she let me know that she did not feel that my girlfriend was inappropriate girl for me to marry. She pretty much went on the list of things that I would anticipate:that my girlfriend was not right for me because of her socioeconomic status, the fact that she had a baby and college, the fact that her family has very little, if any, in terms of money, and that I do not know what I am getting into by agreeing to live with with her daughter until her daughter gets out of the house. (I hope at 18)

Anyway, my relationship with my girlfriend has not been perfect even before the Thanksgiving incident, but we were going to try to work things out and were in the process of working things out. On the one hand, I love her, but sometimes the thought of taking care of her daughter for eight years until she reaches 18 does not sound like my cup of tea. It is true, I do not think I realized exactly what it (taking care of the daughter) would entail before moving in with her. That said, on a day-to-day basis, care for her daughter is not difficult and I think we get along quite well.

Has anyone ever dealt with the situation like this and how did you resolved, if it got resolved at all?

Thanks for your help, I appreciate it.

 
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Old 12-03-2007, 02:52 PM   #2
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Re: Mother Dissaproves of Girlfriend

you're 37 years old......while your mother may have some valid reasons for her thinking, it's your relationship, and it's your decision......
does that help?

 
Old 12-03-2007, 02:56 PM   #3
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Re: Mother Dissaproves of Girlfriend

Thanks for the input. While I understand that, ultimately, it is my decision at this juncture, I also feel as though my parents have been a very close part of my life for a long time and I would like everyone to get along, if possible. Maybe that is not going to be possible, but my first approach is to talk to my mother, tonight, and see if I cannot moderate her opinions, somewhat.

 
Old 12-03-2007, 03:36 PM   #4
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Re: Mother Dissaproves of Girlfriend

Like the original poster said in the end this is your relationship you need to decide if this is what you want. Yes it would be nice if both families got along great but this is not always the case. While your mother has a few good points there are many more that I think is just wrong: socioeconomic status, the fact that she had a baby and college, the fact that her family has very little, if any, in terms of money....It saddens me that your mother thinks that this woman is wrong for you soley on these reasons.

Me and my husband are almost a carbon copy of your relationship. He was 35 when we met I was 18 1/2. I had a child, no HS diploma, little going for myself, my family is on the poorer side etc. My husband has a family worth much more than mine, no kids, had a decent job etc. The last thing either one of us cared about is whether the other approved of us. All we cared about was that we loved each and thats all that mattered.

In the end you have to ask your self is do you love this woman? Can you love her daughter as if she was your own? Does it really matter if her family has money? If the anwers are yes, yes, no then I say be happy with your girlfriend.

 
Old 12-03-2007, 04:28 PM   #5
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Re: Mother Dissaproves of Girlfriend

With respect to the issue of money, it seems as though my parents' primary concern was that my girlfriend's aging mother appears to have no plan for retirement or any sicknesses, etc. They do not want to see me in a situation where I am financing her retirement and I agree with that. I think that my statement that my parents are judging her and her socioeconomic background was true in part, but maybe not entirely correct. I do not feel like they are judging her on the amount of money that she has or does not have, only on how her lack of money might affect me in the future through her mother and other family members.

 
Old 12-03-2007, 05:00 PM   #6
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Re: Mother Dissaproves of Girlfriend

Has your mother disapproved of your past relationships or is it just your current girlfriend that she doesn't approve of? Some parents won't like any person that their child has a relationship with. Like everyone else has said it's your decision, as far as talking to your mom and trying to change her opinion that is probably difficult to do; usually when some one has their mind made up it's already made up. If you love your girlfriend and she's the one you want to be with then hopefully your mom will be able to come around and respect your decision as well as your girlfriend.

 
Old 12-03-2007, 05:11 PM   #7
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Re: Mother Dissaproves of Girlfriend

Quote:
Originally Posted by elnino View Post
With respect to the issue of money, it seems as though my parents' primary concern was that my girlfriend's aging mother appears to have no plan for retirement or any sicknesses, etc. They do not want to see me in a situation where I am financing her retirement and I agree with that. I think that my statement that my parents are judging her and her socioeconomic background was true in part, but maybe not entirely correct. I do not feel like they are judging her on the amount of money that she has or does not have, only on how her lack of money might affect me in the future through her mother and other family members.
But yeah know the way I see it thats what family is for to help when help is needed. Certainly even family with a good chuck of change put back for retirement hits bad times. And when that money is gone for whatever reason they may fall back on family to help. Besides that family helps family when they may need it especially as one becomes older.

But let me tell you this. My mom does not have a lot of money neither does her parents (my grandparents) but when my grandfather had a stroke, triple heart bypass surgery not once did she think her kids and their spouses should help with his bills. She took care of what needed to be done. But be assured her kids did help as they could; helped with the house, drove my grandma out of state to be with my grandfather through his surgeries, etc. Why because they are a family and family helps each other.

Sounds to me like you do agree with your mom tho. It sounds as if she is just bringing up things you just did not think in advance for. And now thats its there you see as she does that you need to be with someone of equal status just of the off chance that ones family may (or may not) become a burden. And to me its sad when money plays a big part in who you plan to be with with. Its sad that one would even think of leaving someone because they don't come from money.

And because I did not touch much on the daughter issue. I feel like if you walked into the relationship knowing she had a daughter why after 3 years are you wondering if you can be a step dad for at least the next 8 years. And that may be longer because not all kids leave at 18.

The whole situation just blows my mind and I am rambling now.

 
Old 12-03-2007, 05:15 PM   #8
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Re: Mother Dissaproves of Girlfriend

This relationship of three years is one of the longer relationships that I have had. The only other relationship that I had that was similar was a little over two years. To be honest, I really do not know what my parents felt about that last girlfriend. After her and I broke up, I found that a number of my friends did not like her very much, but I never heard that specifically for my parents.

Generally, with respect my present girlfriend, I would like it for our relationship to survive (or fail) on its own, without as much external influence. Of course, the additional stress that my parents' opinions are putting on the relationship is causing us to fight, etc., in ways that we never used to.

I think that my present girlfriend has many, many great qualities that do not really get talked about as much. She is always smiling, always positive and is a pleasure to be around for most of the people. Anyway, I am going to talk to them tonight and, hopefully, it will not be too severe and I will continue dating her after that and re-address the subject maybe in March or April of next year.

 
Old 12-03-2007, 06:56 PM   #9
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Re: Mother Dissaproves of Girlfriend

Quote:
Originally Posted by elnino View Post
Anyway, I am going to talk to them tonight and, hopefully, it will not be too severe and I will continue dating her after that and re-address the subject maybe in March or April of next year.
Actually Elnino, I think you should redress the situation right now, and do the girl a very big favour; leave her.

My honest opinion? - This woman didn't choose her family and she sounds to me to be a decent girl who's had a tough life up to now and deserves better than to be judged by a bunch of snobs.

 
Old 12-03-2007, 09:55 PM   #10
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Re: Mother Dissaproves of Girlfriend

If you never had these thoughts until your mother expressed them to you, then they are probably not YOUR true feelings. If you want to let a girl who you love go in favor of keeping your mom happy, then go ahead. No offense, but what will you be thinking in 20, 30 years when your parents are gone and you're alone because you let your mom decide who you should be with? Try to base your decision on what YOU think, not what your mom or anyone else tells you is the case.

The other thing is...don't get the idea that you will be "helping to raise her daughter" only until she is 18...she may go to college or get a place on her own at 18, but you will certainly not "be done" with her, ever...so keep that in mind when making your decision.

 
Old 12-03-2007, 11:08 PM   #11
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Re: Mother Dissaproves of Girlfriend

This may sound harsh, and if it does I am sorry, but as the Aunty of a niece who is dealing with a stepfather who looks forward to nothing more than 'managing' her out of the picture, I would recommend you take a big step back and look at this from the child's perspective. She has no choice in this situation. She needs love and attention and acceptance and a full sense of belonging - being wanted, unconditional love - and she is just entering some very important years.

IF your feelings about this child are being conveyed to her, overtly or not, then I think the situation is very harmful for her. It may well be that the alternatives are less palatable, maybe not, but please try to think about this from her perspective as well.

best regards

 
Old 12-03-2007, 11:19 PM   #12
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Re: Mother Dissaproves of Girlfriend

It doesn't sound to me like your in love with this woman especially since you don't want to be burdened with her mother's lack of money to support herself in old age. You also seem to kind of agree with your mom on her issues with your girlfriend. She can't help what family she was born in to and if she dropped out of college 10 years ago to raise her child that certainly isn't anything that she should be judged for. I got married and dropped out of college to raise mine which was a decision made for the benifit of my child because I wanted to be home with him. My husband has been in school since so he can be an oral surgeon and support our family. If for some reason he wasn't around in a few years and I was dating again I would hate to be judged for my past. I am interested about her personality, character, values, ect as to why she may not be suited for you. Those things have not been mentioned.

 
Old 12-04-2007, 02:18 AM   #13
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Re: Mother Dissaproves of Girlfriend

personally i agree with a previous poster that your family sounds quite snobbish. why do people with money think they are better than everyone else? i have rich people in my extended family and people with money tend to show off. i pay no attention to that attitude. in this world you are born with nothing, and you leave with nothing. you cant take the house, the car and your million dollars to heaven with you. it does not buy love. yes you need a house to live in but all this extra materialistic stuff is worth nothing if you dont have a wonderful family to share it with. you are also thinking way ahead of time. for example what if her parents have no money for retirement, maybe ill have to pay for their nursing home bills, etc etc. stop thinking about what the possibilities in the future are. they may be healthy like my grandma at 89 years of age. why dont you cross that bridge when you get to it, thats if you ever get to it. like someone else said, familys help each other. thats what family is for. whats the point of having a family if you dont care?
also another previous poster mentioned that this could be damaging for the child and i have to agree on that 100%. im a child from a divorce. my parents divorced when i was 12. both my parents went on to date people. children are young and get attached easily. this little girl could possibly love and adore you. you are now living with her when she is with you 50% of the time. if you happen to walk out on her mother for stupid reasons like money, college etc, then this could feel like a divorce for the child all over again. do you think this is fair? also with the whole college thing, let me ask you a question. do you honestly think that you can only earn a good living by going to college? there is plenty of people out there on a good wage that haven't been to college. you can start working for a company at the very bottom and if you succeed in that role, you can move up the ladder. a lot of the times companys dont employ just because of a college degree. most companys want experience too. my cousin got high marks in all her subjects and is still unable to find a job because at the age of 25 she has had no experience. degrees aren't everything my friend. another thing with the whole money thing. its nice to have assets like a house or shares and little investments so you can have a comfortable stable life but to me the number one asset to have apart from happiness is family. everybody can be rich. if you are happy and have a family that loves, adores, cares for you, then to me you are rich.

 
Old 12-04-2007, 04:19 AM   #14
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Re: Mother Dissaproves of Girlfriend

You are a grown man, stop allowing your mother to intervene. If you love this woman, then you love her, and that is it. No relationship is perfect. Some people have college degrees but live in financial debt all their lives. Other couples do nothing but fight. Some relationships have issues with trust.

If you love, trust, and are happy with your girlfriend, then that is all that matters. Keep both families away from one another. No family is perfect either. You don't have to have holidays at your place, just share them with each family in the future.

If this woman is decent, has a steady job, and is a good partner and mother, then it sounds to me like you have struck gold.

 
Old 12-04-2007, 04:23 AM   #15
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Re: Mother Dissaproves of Girlfriend

Quote:
Originally Posted by mangoes View Post
personally i agree with a previous poster that your family sounds quite snobbish. why do people with money think they are better than everyone else? i have rich people in my extended family and people with money tend to show off. i pay no attention to that attitude. in this world you are born with nothing, and you leave with nothing. you cant take the house, the car and your million dollars to heaven with you. it does not buy love. yes you need a house to live in but all this extra materialistic stuff is worth nothing if you dont have a wonderful family to share it with. you are also thinking way ahead of time. for example what if her parents have no money for retirement, maybe ill have to pay for their nursing home bills, etc etc. stop thinking about what the possibilities in the future are. they may be healthy like my grandma at 89 years of age. why dont you cross that bridge when you get to it, thats if you ever get to it. like someone else said, familys help each other. thats what family is for. whats the point of having a family if you dont care?
also another previous poster mentioned that this could be damaging for the child and i have to agree on that 100%. im a child from a divorce. my parents divorced when i was 12. both my parents went on to date people. children are young and get attached easily. this little girl could possibly love and adore you. you are now living with her when she is with you 50% of the time. if you happen to walk out on her mother for stupid reasons like money, college etc, then this could feel like a divorce for the child all over again. do you think this is fair? also with the whole college thing, let me ask you a question. do you honestly think that you can only earn a good living by going to college? there is plenty of people out there on a good wage that haven't been to college. you can start working for a company at the very bottom and if you succeed in that role, you can move up the ladder. a lot of the times companys dont employ just because of a college degree. most companys want experience too. my cousin got high marks in all her subjects and is still unable to find a job because at the age of 25 she has had no experience. degrees aren't everything my friend. another thing with the whole money thing. its nice to have assets like a house or shares and little investments so you can have a comfortable stable life but to me the number one asset to have apart from happiness is family. everybody can be rich. if you are happy and have a family that loves, adores, cares for you, then to me you are rich.
Amen to that!!!!

 
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