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Old 12-07-2007, 02:04 PM   #1
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I really messed up and need to vent on those who wont judge

This is going to be really long but I appreciate anyone who can read it and give me advice, I really need it and I don't know who to go to.


Ok so...I don't know where to start or who to go to for this. I feel like i cant go to my friends or family right now because they will all hate me and not understand. Basically, I have been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years. We started dating when we were 18. We have been through A LOT in those years. We have been 100% honest with each other - even about who we think is hot...and we give each other full reign to go out and flirt. He is a pilot so he is gone a lot. After the first 3 years, he started traveling a lot. I followed him to MI from FL and then we went back to FL, and then I followed him to GA. This move to GA happened about 3-4 months ago. We moved here because he got a job and his base was here. I didn't want to and fought against it for a long time. Finally, I gave in.
We moved here and i got an awesome job that i really enjoy...then about a month into being here he got a job BACK in FL. So....he went there for training and made several attempts to see if I would move back there. I said no but we were still going to work it out with him commuting back and forth.
I hope this isnt too confusing.
So, at my job here in GA I am an assistant for this guy. We get along really well and I started developing feelings for him. Believe it or not, I told my bf right away. It didn't go over that well but we are so honest with each other that we kinda moved past it. My bf is gone all week and comes home on weekends. I am new to this city, and i dont have many friends here. So, I end up hanging out a lot with this guy I assist ( we will call him Bob). I kept telling myself to stop hanging out with him but I just really enjoyed his company. Everytime i hung with him, I told my bf, so he knew. I felt like since i was being honest and he knew everything that it was ok. I still felt guilty though and to be honest I was mad at him for moving me to GA and then getting a job back in FL (its a way better job though so I understand).
Well, after hanging out with Bob for so long, I was hoping my feelings would fade but they just got stronger. I tried to push them out but I just couldnt. I loved hanging out with him. On the other hand, I still really loved my boyfriend. I was having a bit of a meltdown though cause we had been together for so long and that "spark" was gone. He is the only person ive really "been" with...as in slept with. I am 24 yrs old and I am wondering ...I have never been really alone before..and a lot of people need that time in their 20s to grow and find out who they are. I dont feel that I have and that I am a bit immature for that ( I can admit it). I have gotten selfish i gues because i feel i have spent my whole life trying to please others whether it be my parents or my bf. I have a problem with not being "perfect" enough and felt like I was always being judged by someone. On a side note as well, my bf and i have experimented with i guess you can say threesomes... prob not the best idea but we worked through it very well.
So...back to the present....last night i was in Bob's car and had a breakdown and started crying. just kinda telling him all of this crap. I went to give him a hug goodbye and we ended up kissing.
I felt horrible. I do like this guy, but he is nothing compared to my amazing boyfriend. I have NEVER cheated on him and he has never cheated on me. I guess i just missed that "spark" and was freaking out that I would never have that feeling again. My boyfriend knew there was something up becuase i was not answering his calls...and he kept calling over and over. FInally, I left Bob and I called the bf and told him right away what happened.
Obviously, he was not happy. He said all of the mean things he should have said to me. I was hoping we could still work it out but he says as of right now he can never forgive me and he doesnt want to work it out. I was honest and I told him why I did it but that I knew it doesnt make it ok. He wants to move out...hes in FL now and he said he'll come up aft training in Dec and get all his stuff. I begged for forgiveness and I told him i knew I messed up but that I cant imagine my life without him and I would do anything to work it out. It make me a bit upset that he isnt even willing to try to make it work but I also understand I crushed the trust that we had.
He keeps getting online to talk and texts me...so it seems as if maybe there is a slight hope there, but I am not sure.
I do not know what to do now. I did not go to work today in order to avoid the drama with Bob and sort my head out. Bob knows that I told the bf what happened and he says he hopes we work it out (who knows if he means it). I LOVE this job though....so I mean I really messed up. I dont know if I should stay with the job (having to see and work with bob very closely everyday) and just see what happens with the bf.....or if I should put in my two weeks on monday hoping that it will be a step towards by bf's forgiveness. I think I would be able to work there still without it being too awkward, but if i can get the bf to say he wants to work it out then i know i should probably quit. Then again, what if I quit on monday and the bf never ever forgives me and I am out of a job that I love.
My family and friends love this guy so i understand i really really really messed this up big time. I should have stepped away from bob but it was hard when i was forced to work with him 8-9 hrs everyday and we were such good friends. I dont even know what to tell my family or if I even should go into detail about what happened. No one wants to be labeled as the "*****". I never wanted this but I did it and I can not take it back now. I wish I could. I know things happen for a reason but I feel like I made this one happen.
We had been drifting for the past few years anyway...but I feel like we could have made it work.
He is not even willing to make it work. He is so mad at me right now. I can't picture my life without him. I do not know what to do. Maybe we starting dating too young but I loved him with everything i had. Any advice would be very much appreciated...with the job, and the boyfriend and everything.
Thank you in advance and thank you to those who sat through this.

 
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Old 12-07-2007, 02:30 PM   #2
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Re: I really messed up and need to vent on those who wont judge

you messed up, you made a mistake. you can't hit rewind sweetie so we need to deal with what has happened. You only kissed......which is not fun for your BF but it wasn't all intimate involving sex, etc. I think that you should give your BF a week or so to cool down and then try to talk to him. My advice would be to look for another job and stay away from Bob.

I can understand that you have only been with 1 person and the curiosity and the spark is a turn on for sure. At least you know that you are in love with you BF and when you get together and talk to him that is wht you must tell him. You are in love with him and only him.

It is going to be hard for him to regain trust....but anything worth having is worth the work.

 
Old 12-07-2007, 02:35 PM   #3
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Re: I really messed up and need to vent on those who wont judge

First of all, stop being so hard on yourself. You are young and you are inexperienced really. To be honest, after being with only one guy pretty much your whole life I can see how something like this was bound to happen.

Now, put your family and your friends aside. Don't worry about their feelings for your bf or what you may have done. How do you REALLY feel about your boyfriend? I know you love him, but are you IN LOVE with him anymore? Is it the comfort and the familiararity (sp?) you want or is it him?

People change A LOT from the time they are 18 to 24. The guys I dated at 18 are nothing like the guy at married at 23. The guy I married at 23 is the polar opposite to the guy I married at 28 (long story). People change and when they do what they look for in a partner sometimes changes too.

To be honest, I think this break will be good for you. Take some time for you and figure out what you want. Stop trying to please everyone else (your boyfriend, your friends, your family). At the end of the day the only person's happiness you are responsible for is your own. Of course you value their opinions, but you are an adult and you are capable of making your own decisions and steering your own course.

Now, about the job. I don't think you should quit. You love the job and it would be a shame to quit over this mistake. I think you should talk with Bob and let him know how it was a mistake and you want to keep things professional from now on. If you are not able to do that (or if he pressures you for more) then yes, quitting would probably be your best option.

But you do need time for you. You may find that with this time your boyfriend is the one guy you ever want. Or you could come to find that you have grown apart from him. I can't tell you whether or not he will ever forgive you as everyone is different. But everything does happen for a reason. Maybe this kiss was a way of getting you to see what else is out there? If things were meant to be with your boyfriend then you will eventually find your way back to eachother. But for the time being stop beating yourself up about it. Take some time for you. Things always have a way of working out.

 
Old 12-07-2007, 03:38 PM   #4
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Re: I really messed up and need to vent on those who wont judge

Thank you for the quick response. I am feeling a little better about it (i guess). i think it happened for a reason and I would not have even done it if I felt happy and things were going perfect in the relationship. Now, we just have to see where it goes from here i guess? I do not know if I should quit my job. My instinct tells me to stick with it and just distance myself as much as I can from Bob (it will be hard to do but not impossible). I hurt my boyfriend so deeply. Someone I love so much. I am young and the thought of getting married was freaking me out. It never really did until just recently. I want to figure out who I am without him I guess and I didnt want to realize that after we were married with children. I am also scared that what if i do take time to find myself and then realize i made a huge mistake by not fighting for him. I told him I need a while to sort it out in my head. He makes me feel like the worst person for this but I also understand where he is coming from. I felt like I was always living my life around him and not for myself. I do love him though...with everything I have. As for the whole..was I just comfortable with him...I am not sure. After that long I cant really say. I have talked to a few girls who are close to me and they say this stuff happens for a reason and everyone is human and no one is perfect. I agree with that but I also feel like I hurt the person I love the most and I can never forgive myself for that.

 
Old 12-07-2007, 04:09 PM   #5
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Re: I really messed up and need to vent on those who wont judge

Yea you made a mistake, but haven't we all. God knows I have. Just thinking about some of mine make me want to hide under my computer chair
But like someone said before , you cant go back. I was married when I was 15 so I had no time to grow up. I understand how that is . But forgiveness has to begin with yourself.You are only human. You may need some time to get it together in your head. Maybe this will be a positive for you. But as far as Bob. Make sure you don't trade one relationship for another, it will be easy to do now. Out of the frying pan into the fire thingy.
I am probably not much help , I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and hope all goes well for you. Mainly.... time will tell.
Good Luck
Sabrina

 
Old 12-07-2007, 04:21 PM   #6
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Re: I really messed up and need to vent on those who wont judge

I agree with the other posts, but I would like to add that it makes it much harder to have a long distance relationship. The lonliness wears on you after awhile. Maybe when he gets back and you guys could talk. If there is anything salvagable, than maybe you guys need to figure out how your relationship would work when you are apart. Will it always be that way? What compromises could the two of you make? Just keep in mind that you need to do what ever will make YOU happy first. You are young with a whole life ahead of you. Sometimes breaking up with someone and seeing other people will only confirm what or whom who want in life.\

My best to you!

 
Old 12-07-2007, 05:35 PM   #7
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Re: I really messed up and need to vent on those who wont judge

Everyone has made mistakes. You have a couple things working in your favor as far as I can tell. The biggest one is knowing that you screwed up and the other is you told him. That says a lot. You were honest with him and upfront with him. He didn't find out some other way or through anyone else. It's very hard to own up to mistakes but you took control of it and it didn't control you! If you want him to forgive you.. you first must forgive yourself. If you don't forgive yourself you will not allow yourself to move on from the mistake that was made. It is what it is. Does that one moment really define you or your relationship- I think it probably doesn't.
But I also think that even though you love your job... do you think that if your BF can forgive you and move on that he would want you to be seeing Bob... he is your boss, right? I think that your BF may not be comfortable with it.... But that is my thought.. It is something that you and your bf will definitely have to work out and discuss. Just give your BF some time, you may be surprised..

 
Old 12-07-2007, 06:00 PM   #8
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Re: I really messed up and need to vent on those who wont judge

Ok, here's the thing, your situation sounds very similiar to mine long ago when my bf and I dated for almost 6 years from 19-24. We started the whole long distance thing because we couldn't get it together with what we wanted with our careers.

We wanted each other, but just couldn't get the place and careers right. I moved away to pursue a better career in college and he stayed behind. We had a long distance relationship for quite a while before breaking up.

Long distance and not being together is NOT good. It just isn't. It gets too lonely no matter how much you love your bf. It won't matter, the loneliness will set in, and you'll go for the first comfort you can find, even if it isn't love. The problem started when the two of you decided to live in separate cities in separate states. That's a huge sign of big trouble. I would say that if you want your boyfriend you'd better move with him NOW, and be with him, otherwise the relationship is going to tank fast. And guys do get really, really upset if they think you may want another guy.

And here's another tip, you'd better be prepared. Guys aren't good at waiting for girls to "sort it out" if they want another guy or not. They will go and get into another relationship with a girl immediately. So be prepared for that.

So you have some decisions to make and make them fast. Do you want your bf? You've been with him a long time and seem to love him deeply. You moved with him quite a few times.

I agree that he moves too much. That would get frustrating, and lonely. You think you've lost a spark, but you will probably never get back what you had at 19 or 20, ever in life. If you do try and work it out with your bf, you should get him to promise not to move again. If he's not willing to do that, then you have to decide if that's something you can deal with.

You have to look inside yourself and find how you really feel. If you love him, you should try and work it out. However, IF he's made you too unhappy for too long, and you can't take it any longer...IF and ONLY IF you're at the point of no return, stay with the new guy. The time has come for you to think of you and what you want and how you feel, this is your life and you don't get do overs. I hope this helps.

Last edited by wishgirl; 12-07-2007 at 09:13 PM.

 
Old 12-08-2007, 06:04 AM   #9
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Re: I really messed up and need to vent on those who wont judge

Why after all those years of being together he's still not marrying you... don't have plans???
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Old 12-08-2007, 06:13 AM   #10
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Re: I really messed up and need to vent on those who wont judge

Like everyone else has said, You made a mistake. You can't turn back time, you can only try to fix the present.

I understand what you're going through. I kind of went through the same thing.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, and things were in a rough patch. I started hanging out with my brothers friend, and I thought I had feelings for him.

I think that a lot of people go through this, maybe because it's something new and something you're not used to, and it kind of feels good. Maybe it's because you're used to the same old thing day in day out, and with having your boyfriend away all the time, maybe you're lacking something that you see in Bob. Even sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be with someone else.. to kiss someone else... or have a different touch. I think a lot of people go through it, and maybe moreso you because your boyfriend is away so often.

Give him time to cool down. If you've been together this long, this is a silly reason to break up. People make mistakes, and not everyone is a perfect angel. I bet there are tons of people that have been in your situation. I give you kudos for telling him though, that takes a lot of guts, and you've got them hunny! Your boyfriend should be happy that you told him the truth. One little innocent kiss really isn't anything. (Although I know my boyfriend would be doing the same thing as yours).

I can guarantee that your boyfriend won't like you working for Bob anymore, so I'm assuming that if you want to stay with your boyfriend, you're going to need a new job. He'll be constantly wondering what is going on, and wondering if you're being faithful, and he'll probably have many accusations.

Maybe you need to sit down and really think about things? Is your boyfriend and his moving/job really what you want for the rest of your life? Could you see a future with Bob? I truly believe that things happen for a reason, and life throws you curve balls, and this one is yours! Do whatever is going to make you happy!

Good Luck!

Last edited by Rainbowbrite77; 12-08-2007 at 06:16 AM.

 
Old 12-08-2007, 07:37 AM   #11
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Re: I really messed up and need to vent on those who wont judge

You guys have been great. Thank you for the support. I wake up each morning feeling like I am going to throw up. The bf is at the stage right now where he is really mad....he says he still loves me but I ruined him...he called me crying last night. He wants to know each and every detail of what happened. Everyone told me not to give him that....but I did. He is in FL right now for training....i wanted to fly down there yesterday but did not because he said not to and I thought it may be too soon with him being so upset. I woke up this morning thinking I should fly down there....but i just do not know. As of now, he does not want to work it out. He wants to get all of his stuff and move out and back to FL. We had such a clossseee relationship and i love him so much that I just feel like I am the biggest piece of crap and I have ruined the rest of my life. He had no problems telling me that. He has already told the only close friend I have in this city - my friend of 8 years - and the horrible thing is his girlfriend did the same thing to him with someone she worked with. So now he hates me too. He told his Dad. He wants to get Bob fired.... I told him not to take this out on Bob but he is so hurt right now that he is. Should I fly down there today to try to sort things out? If so, I will only be there for the night and have to fly back tomorrow. Then I have work on Monday. I can't just not show up to work. That is one of the hardest parts of this whole thing.
Yesterday I was thinking I wanted time to be single and do my own thing, but each time I talk to my boyfriend, I change my mind and I just want to work it out. What we had was so special and I just dont know what to do. I am trying not to hate myself too much..... but I really really do. And he is making me feel worse. And now my only friend in this city is mad at me as well.
Life is just .... it just hurts so much sometimes. My heart feels like its going to fall out of my chest.

 
Old 12-08-2007, 09:19 AM   #12
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Re: I really messed up and need to vent on those who wont judge

I don't know if you should just fly down there just yet. If he says no, than I would just give him time. When did he say he would come your way to get his stuff? If this happened to him before, he is going to lose trust Im afraid for a while now. I don't have any answers for you except for time heals. Not necessarily for the better, so just prepare yourself. I am one to say that I have made a huge mistake in my life as well ( worse than yours)but never the less hurtful to loved ones. If it turns out in the end that he is over with your relationship than there just isn't anything you can do, but to learn and grow from your mistakes. It can be life altering. Hang in there artsykid. You can't change the past, but you can create the future.

 
Old 12-08-2007, 02:17 PM   #13
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Re: I really messed up and need to vent on those who wont judge

It's time to stop feeling guilty, and talk to your boyfriend. You're very young, and I'm sure it's hard to realize the problem with all the emotions involved. You need to let him know that he's moving too often, leaving you too much. HE left YOU. You've moved with him so many times, that he should be willing to compromise and stay in one place!

If there's any chance to work it out you have to do it now, and don't worry about the job, you're in the middle of a crisis...take care of your life. The two of you have to compromise about where you're going to live, and it MUST be TOGETHER, not apart. Long distance does not work, it only works for a little while, then it melts down the relationship.

You have to make your bf see this isn't about another guy, it's about the way he keeps moving, and how he left you once again.

Last edited by wishgirl; 12-08-2007 at 02:18 PM.

 
Old 12-09-2007, 10:36 AM   #14
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Re: I really messed up and need to vent on those who wont judge

Yes, wishgirl is right, it's not really about Bob. And please don't quit your job. What if you quit your job and he still doesn't want you back? You will have messed up your career and financial future for nothing.

 
Old 12-10-2007, 04:31 AM   #15
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Re: I really messed up and need to vent on those who wont judge

So, we finally had a somewhat decent conversation yesterday. To make a long story short, we agreed that we would give each other some time (until January when he is done with training) to see how things progress. He said I am "free to do what I want" but if I hook up with anyone it will really really hurt my chances of him taking me back. I understand that. I was very happy that he was even considering getting back together with me.
Later that night, I get a really long email from him saying he just cant get over what I did. After emailing back and forth he basically was like "I do not want to tell you what to do, but I am hoping you make the right decision". After emailing back and forth more, i realize that he wants me to just not show up to work today. He never wants me to see Bob again (which I can understand). So I told him, i HAVE to go to work today - financially and for my career - that I love my job and I hate what I did but this job really makes me happy. I told him my first line of business is to tell Bob that we cannot to lunches anymore or drinks and that what happened can not happen again. My bf said that that is insulting to him, basically that my way of handling that was wrong and he expects me to not show up to work.
I understand that I have put myself into a major situation here. I am trying to not beat myself up over it anymore, I am out of tears. But I feel like him asking me to quit my job....that is just another thing that i will do for HIM and not for the best interests of myself. It would probably be in the best interests of our relationship but he already told me he is not paying the rent (even though hes on the lease) so I have to go in order to at least pay the rent myself. I AM willing to quit eventually I told him, but just not showing up today is not going to solve any problems. Plus, I finally found a job I like. He says I should have thought about that before I went and did what I did - and I understand that - but where do a draw the line of living for someone else and living for myself?? I am so confused. So very confused.
I told him I have moved twice for him and he makes the argument that he didnt MAKE me move, I chose to. Which is true, but he def. put the pressure on me to do it. I knew our relationship may fall apart if I didn't. But now he wants me to quit this job and honestly, I just do not want to. I know that things with Bob will be awkward for a while...but we have already pretty much moved past what happened ( i guess the determining factor will be today). I honestly feel like I can stay at this job and also make things work out with the bf - but he says "you have chosen Bob when you walk through that door at work".
Thank you for letting me vent and for all of the advice. My gut tells me to go to work today, so that is what I am doing. I am not sure if that is a big mistake, but I have to.

 
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