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Old 12-09-2007, 01:25 AM   #1
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saw ex on subway...its been 2 years

Its been a while since Ive been on these boards, and I used to have a different name but am using a more recent one. So all past posts in relation to this one are under citygirl23 (if I remember correctly).

Just recently I got engaged to a wonderful guy. We had a very rocky start but we have since gotten it together and I truly feel that he is the man that I can't be without.

Before this, I was with a guy for 2 years who I very intensely loved. I was almost 22 when I met him. I was ready to marry him from the start. We never fought, we were perfect, I thought. We met in college, I moved up to NYC, he used to visit me every other weekend. Then, when he moved up to be with me and go to med school, within two weeks he treated me strangely, dumped me with no real reason but he had to "find himself"...and then a few weeks later I found out he was seeing a girl from the floor below him who was also in his classes.

It took me a good year, if not more, to 'move on', but Im not sure if I ever moved on. I love my fiancee, but I love him in a different way. Less intense, less self-sacrificial, and more friendship-love (which, in the long-run, I think is ultimately better). With my ex, I would have done ANYTHING to keep him around- I lived and breathed him. But I don't really think thats healthy. With my fiancee I feel at peace, like he completes me, whereas with my ex I felt like I would die if I was without him, and couldn't function. So you can understand how it was for me to deal with a breakup. Sad to say, I did not deal with it well. I cried on the phone to him and called him incessantly in teh beginning. Once i found out about the girlfriend, I ended up sleeping with an acquaintance of his (not a good friend of his, but still), who was a rebound that lasted a few months. I was hurt and grieving and it was a quick fix for things I guess. Im assuming that my ex found out about this over the years, as several people unfortunately knew about it. So..I didnt really look like such a big loss to him at the time, Im sure.

I still have dreams from time to time about my ex. Usually they are not good dreams. I also think about him, in the sense that before I board any type of public transportation, or walk down the busy NYC streets, I always wonder if I will see him.

And tonight, lo and behold, I did. I had just had a glass of wine and was heading out to meet my girlfriends (my fiancee is currently away for the weekend visiting family). The subway train pulled up and the doors open and I glance up and look into the eyes of my ex, who is standing with the girl he left me for.

I immediately looked away, mainly in shock, and thinking I was hallucinating from the wine, because I had imagined this moment over and over but never expected I would run into him then and there.

So as I pulled myself together and moved a few people away from him, I prepared myself to look up and say hi, or do a litttle wave in his direction. But he ignored me. I know he saw me because he clearly made eye contact when I was about to get on the train. At another point when I looked up, he was looking at me but immediately looked away.

As soon as I got off the train, I cried and called my mom. It has been almost 2 years- the last time I saw him he was picking up his stuff from my house right after the breakup.

I am very upset with my reaction to this, but I think there are a few reasons why I am so torn over this: it did bring back hurtful memories, and it did hurt to see him still with this girl (and to see him in tangible form rather than an abstraction in my mind), but it was hurtful that he didnt even acknowledge me. Granted, I looked away when first getting on the train, out of pure SHOCK and instinctive reaction. But I felt I was trying to be the bigger person or at least act civil by trying to wave or say hi.

Our relationship ended very nasty when I found out about his conveniently new girlfriend, so I wouldn't be surprised if he didnt look at me becaues he felt guilty. Or maybe he thinks Im crazy or a **** over the way I dealt with the breakup. But seeing him jsut brought up a whole slew of emotions that I don't necessarily know how to deal with. One good thing is that I had no romantic feelings when I saw him (thank god!), and I actually felt extremely eager to call my fiancee and tell him I loved him. But this whole night Ive had a lump in my throat and I cant get this mental image out of my head of seeing him and her together...still, after the way he ended things with me after all we had. Is this crazy? Why am I feeling this way after being happily engaged?

 
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Old 12-09-2007, 08:25 AM   #2
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Re: saw ex on subway...its been 2 years

Singleone, first off, I want to say how strange it is that you would run into your ex after having thought about it so many times! That must have been extremely awkward and surprising for you, so I don't blame you for feeling uneasy about the situation.
It does sound as if you love your fiance', but my question is, are you really IN LOVE with him? I'm not suggesting your not, but the way you compared your fiance' to your ex just brought up a few questions. I just wanted to make sure that you really think your fiance' is "the one", and that it's something you know will last. In other words, if you were faced with 500 other men (including your ex), all different personalities, looks, status', etc, would you still choose your fiance' out of that 500? That's just the way I look at things, haha.
Regardless of all of that, and even if you are COMPLETELY over your ex, I think it's normal to have the reaction that you did. Part of it is just from not seeing him for so long, and part of it may have been your ego still being bruised. He did seem to leave you for this other girl, so when you see that he is still with her, it's got to hurt. Maybe it brings up things like "what does she have that I don't" or "why is she better than me" type thoughts? The fact is, he failed at your relationship, and he has somehow managed to keep it together with her. So, regardless of your feelings (of lack of) for him, it's still a blow to the ego.
Seeing someone you haven't seen in a long time can bring all those bad feelings and hurt back. It sounds like you didn't really get the closure you wanted and/or needed.
My suggestion to you is; if you really are over your ex, and you truly want to marry your fiance', then do just that. You are happy. You have a man who loves you and wants to marry you. Your ex is no longer an issue and he is no longer anything to you. Just take it for what it is, the past.

Good luck!

 
Old 12-09-2007, 09:10 AM   #3
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Re: saw ex on subway...its been 2 years

Ah, hon, don't be so hard on yourself. Of course you were upset seeing him. It was the first time you'd seen him. He was with the girl he betrayed you with!You were caught totally off guard. That's a lot to take in all at once.

You're happy and with your finance now. But that doesn't mean that the break-up and betrayal by your ex doesn't hurt - even if you no longer have romantic feelings for him. Seeing someone for the first time is always the hardest. And he was with the other girl. It's a bit like being slapped in the face. Doesn't mean that you don't love your fiance to bits. All it means is that you came face to face with something that was very painful for you. All at once, with no warning and no prep time. Everything crappy and hurtful was suddenly just standing there, pretending not to see you. That would be really upsetting for anyone.

Having the feelings of hurt and betrayal come flooding back like that must have been really awful. I'm sorry that it happened when you were alone and in public. That must have been really brutal. But at least the worst is behind you. I don't think anything is ever as bad as the first time you see someone. No where to go but up! Big hugs! And congrats on your engagement!

 
Old 12-09-2007, 09:32 AM   #4
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Re: saw ex on subway...its been 2 years

Quote:
Originally Posted by singleone24 View Post
...
Is this crazy? Why am I feeling this way after being happily engaged?
May I have a say here?

First, I don't think this is crazy at all. I don't think you are crazy, either.

Given the intensity of your relationship with your ex, given the fact that he cheated on you and given the fact that you are a sensitive person, then it is only natural for you to feel that way. Also because that was the first time you saw him again. Indeed it was necessary for you to meet him again to realize that your romantic feelings are no longer there for him. A point for you.

It is just a pity that he saw you alone and not with your fiancé.

Of course you don't know how to deal with these emotions (that came over you when you saw him). Honestly, nobody does. These are just embarrassing feelings. But they will pass and within a few months, maybe weeks, you will be smiling when you remember them. Ashes.

Now let me share with you a very wicked thought that crossed my mind while I was reading your piece. I might be wrong, but I think that he avoided you not out of guilt (certain people never feel guilty until they reach the end of their lives, if anything) but out of shame. He is still riding the subway (ok, nothing against people who ride the subway, I often do) and he is still with the same girl after two years. Do you think he is really in love with her? Isn't she perhaps a burden now? And is he happy with his life (including the subway)?

What I mean to say is that in a certain way you got your revenge. Just imagine if you had seen him driving a Mercedes and having as his escort a girl as beautiful as Madeleine Stowe (when she was younger)? That would be a real blow. But no, he is still on the same spot, whereas you are - hopefully - moving on.

Last edited by pendulum; 12-09-2007 at 09:34 AM.

 
Old 12-09-2007, 10:13 AM   #5
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Re: saw ex on subway...its been 2 years

Sounds like you just never got proper closure, that you still have a lot of emotions you never worked through or sorted out.

Soem things to think long and hard about - are you happy to be with your fiance? What if your ex came running back to you, begging you back, after the way he treated you, would you throw your fiance over and take your ex back, or do you see him as a bullet you dodged? What if your ex is never sorry for what he did? What if he never feels bad for how much it hurt? Will you spend the rest of your life giving him free rent in your head because he didn't?

What do you feel you NEED to finally be free of this guy so you can fully give your heart to your fiance?

 
Old 12-09-2007, 10:17 AM   #6
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Re: saw ex on subway...its been 2 years

OH MY GOD.

Citygirl23 (now singleone24 ) I swear to God, I was JUST thinking about you last night! Seriously, I was reading the board, and for some reason I thought about you, and how long it's been since you posted, and I wondered how you were doing. Wow LOL

Ugh, running into exes again is never good. It is a shock to your system. And no matter how many times you picture it in your mind, you cannot fully prepare yourself for it actually happening.

I think it happened for a reason. It's too much of a coincidence, and I'm not sure I believe in coincidences. Now, I'm not saying that it means you are meant to get back together with him or anything like that. It's obvious that you are not meant for each other. But clearly it has shaken you up and made you think. Maybe it is time you let him go, completely, and fully move on. Or maybe it's something else. This person can still shake you up, after all this time. Maybe you want to experience that kind of crazy, breathless love again with someone else. Think on it

And thanks again for reading my mind and posting. I appreciate it
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Old 12-09-2007, 12:02 PM   #7
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Re: saw ex on subway...its been 2 years

Thanks for everyone for responding- just to add my two cents to your responses:

In terms of loving my fiancee as much as my ex- I loved my ex very much, but in the unhealthy sort of way. THe intensity, the I-would-die-for-you type of love, the type where I couldn't be by myself without him without really feeling happy. It wasn't the type of love that I think a marriage would really need. WIth my fiancee, yes, I don't have the type of wind-knocked-out-of-me feeling when he walks in the room. But he is like my center. He is much more of a man than my ex was (obviously), and he is the one I want by my side. I feel like he will be the best man to be with and start a life with. So, if 500 men were by my side, or, in answer to another post, if my ex came running back, I would still pick my fiancee, because a) 500 other men may still fall short in the long-run, whereas my fiancee is wonderful, and b) I could never trust my ex again, nor would I ever be able to be with him and not think about what he did.

What do I need to do to totally give my heart to my fiancee? I think I have. LIke I said, this wasn't about seeing my ex and the girl he was with and wanting him back. I think what is the most hurtful about the situation is that I still think that he sees me as the pathetic one that he hurt that never got over him...which is why he ignored me (guilt). I think, in order to fully get past any of this in my head, I would have to get some sort of apology or at least some civil 'hi, how are you?'...aka, some respect from him in my direction, which I never received (seriously, the way he broke up with me was AWFUL, I was nearly traumatized for a year).
But that is never going to happen, and I think last night was the final straw in order for me to really see that. If he can't even wave or say hi on the subway, thats pretty bad. Granted, I avoided his gaze too due to initial shock, but after that point, I pulled myself together and tried to get his eye contact within the 2 minutes I was on the train. He completely pretended not to see me.

I think its just hurtful...still. The hurt of what he did and how has or never will feel bad about it. Something about that just doesnt sit well with me. Its not about wanting him back...I guess it is still wanting to know that I meant something for those 2 years of his life where he said he loved me and wanted to be with me. THere is an episode of Sex and the City (I hate to quote it), but the main character speaks of an ideal breakup as being representative to what the two people shared together. That is what Im feeling. Still longing for that validation that I will never get. I feel that, even 2 years later, when Im very well along and healed and happy with someone else, he can still sh** on me with his lack of care and respect toward what we had together.

I do love my fiancee. Is it the same kind of love I had with my ex? No. But I do believe, while it may not be the heart-stopping, mind-losing type of love, it is full of more trust and respect than I apparently ever had with my ex, as he continues to show me even 2 years later!

Last edited by lady346; 12-09-2007 at 12:03 PM.

 
Old 12-09-2007, 12:04 PM   #8
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Re: saw ex on subway...its been 2 years

And GypsyArcher- wow, I feel so blessed! What were you thinking about, may I ask? To be thought about after so long- why, I never had a relationship with you and you've already given me much more validation than my ex apparently ever will!

And I do think everything happens for a reason. This was way too planned by some power above for it to just happen randomly. In the biggest city in the US, at the same car, SAME SUBWAY TRAIN, and he is there with her right in the doorway as I step in. But I do feel lucky because, had it been earlier in my life when I wasn't engaged, nor fully over him, I probably would have fallen apart right there, so thank god for that.

Last edited by lady346; 12-09-2007 at 12:09 PM.

 
Old 12-09-2007, 12:17 PM   #9
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Re: saw ex on subway...its been 2 years

Waht I meant when I asked you "what do you feel you need in order to give your whole heart to your fiance", I meant, your ex must still have SOME part of your heart, or you wouldn't still care how he reacts to you, what he thinks, whether he sees you as pathetic or not, whether he makes amends or not. But a big part of you obviously still cares. What do you think it would take for you to not care anymore? To see him as just a mistake you made once. I remember that episode of Sex And The City, whwen Burger dumped Carrie with a post it. My ex dumped me with a phone call that I kind of forced. I called him twice and when he didn't answer I left a message saying "let me know what you decided so I know" and he called back the next day saying "well, when I didn't answer your call yesterday I though you'd have gotten the message." The thing is, for him, the break up WAS representative of what the relationship was TO HIM. As long as you still need your ex to show you that you meant more to him than you actually did, your fiance will never fully have your heart. Your ex has already shown you what he thought of your relationship and of you by the way he broke up with you. It was low and very painful for you, and I'm really sorry for that, but that's who he was/is and where his head was at.

So what if he thinks your pathetic? So what if he's sorry for you, but doesn't feel any guilt at all about how he broke up with you or what he did to you? I know how that feels, I don't mean to minimize it at ALL, but I spent a lot of time wanting, wishing hoping for and trying to elicit an apology that never came. I know even today I would feel so much better if I could just get that apology, but at the same time I know it will never come. Every day I get closer to not really wanting it anymore, and I kind of have a sense that I'll know when I've met the right man for me when I no longer want or need it at all. I'll no longer feel that there's unfinished business of any kind because I can simply say "this is why it didn't work with the ex" and that's all I'll need to know in order to let all that unfinished business go and not care at all about anything regarding the ex.

What do you think it would take for you to get to that point?

 
Old 12-09-2007, 12:28 PM   #10
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Re: saw ex on subway...its been 2 years

You have a very good point. I think for me, this is it. I think this is what I needed to realize that he just doesnt care, and thats that. Its just painful, because I think I realized, that after 2 years, if he cant make a simple wave in my directoin or say hi, then there really isnt any respect or well-wishes/care towards me at all.

I think I just need to realize once and for all that the person I thought he was just isnt who he really is...and I just have to sit with that. Its been hard to do that over the years.Youd think after what he did I would be able to figure that out really quick, but I think I always thought that he would mature and realize that he was sh**ty and would apologize, say hi, see how I was doing. Thats all I ever wanted. Not to get back with him, but for him to realize that I am a good person and he hurt me.

But I think I know now that will never happen, and maybe thats why Im so upset. I think for now I just truly have to let it go. Im not sure how, but maybe this all will just fade and I wont think about it anymore.


Also- what you said about, if I didnt love him still in a way, I wouldnt care about what he thinks. That is true in a sense. But this guy was my first real love (not first boyfriend, but first man I planned on marrying). Im not sure if I will ever get over those feelings. Yes, now it is actually happening for me with someone more suited for what Im looking for. But it is hard to have your heart so betrayed and your trust shattered without the person ever looking back. As much as I dont have any romantic feelings for him anymore or any desire to get back together (I wasnt even attracted to him anymore, as I found out yesterday), I think that hurt will always be there, no matter how much I work through it. And with him ignoring me, it was just like hurting me in a small level all over again.

Last edited by lady346; 12-09-2007 at 12:36 PM.

 
Old 12-09-2007, 12:36 PM   #11
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Re: saw ex on subway...its been 2 years

I know, it hurts and it just sucks. But hopefully in time it will fade. In the meantime, you have a wonderful fiance to focus on. Think about how valuable his love is to you, how much does it really mean to you? Like that Patty Loveless song, He Hurt Me Bad In A Real Good Way, if your ex had kept you around, you never would have met your fiance. How much does that mean to you? Hopefully defining that will go a long way to helping the healing.

 
Old 12-09-2007, 12:45 PM   #12
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Re: saw ex on subway...its been 2 years

Thanks. I thought about that and its true. And I am thankful that I saw him now and not earlier, like I said. I do think everything is way too sequential and perfect for it to be a coincidence. The one weekend my fiancee goes away is when I see him. It doesnt happen earlier when Im still dealing with things, but soon after I get engaged and have moved on. I think it happened so that I could let it go. Its a sad realization, but you're right, I am better off. My fiancee is currently texting me how much he misses me right and left and it makes me realize that, as much as he hurt me, he did me a very sick and depressing favor. It just hurts to see that favor still in action when you feel like you're just over the pain.

Last edited by lady346; 12-09-2007 at 12:53 PM.

 
Old 12-09-2007, 12:50 PM   #13
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Re: saw ex on subway...its been 2 years

Quote:
Originally Posted by singleone24 View Post
Thanks. I thought about that and its true. And I am thankful that I saw him now and not earlier, like I said. I do think everything is way too sequential and perfect for it to be a coincidence. The one weekend my fiancee goes away is when I see him. It does happen earlier, but soon after I get engaged. I think it happened so that I could let it go. Its a sad realization, but you're right, I am better off. My fiancee is currently texting me how much he misses me right and left and it makes me realize that, as much as he hurt me, he did me a very sick and depressing favor. It just hurts to see that favor still in action when you feel like you're just over the pain.
Well, I think seeing an ex for the first time after the break up is always a huge shock. it'll take some time to settle in, but i think the pain will go away little by little.

 
Old 12-09-2007, 06:24 PM   #14
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Re: saw ex on subway...its been 2 years

Yeah...its been a few hours and already its seeming more and more surreal. When I think about it, I still feel a little shocked, like- "did that REALLY happen??" The whole thing is just way too shocking, to actually see both of them, together, after 2 years. I guess I need to just keep talking about it to get it out...Im still shocked and disturbed over the whole thing.

Anyway, I think once my fiancee comes back it will be easier to deal with- right now Im alone in my apartment and its just such an unsettling thought to be alone with! My mom keeps telling me to get over it, she doesnt understand why Im upset or even still talking about it, but she was never all that patient when I went through the breakup...she expected me to be over it after a few months, when it took me at least a year.

I do feel better off but how do you get over the hurt that is resurfaced ONCE again...argh!

 
Old 12-10-2007, 10:32 AM   #15
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Re: saw ex on subway...its been 2 years

Quote:
And GypsyArcher- wow, I feel so blessed! What were you thinking about, may I ask? To be thought about after so long- why, I never had a relationship with you and you've already given me much more validation than my ex apparently ever will!
I don't know, it was really random, you just popped into my head out of nowhere while I was reading the board.

I think a big part of the reason why your ex didn't acknowledge you was because he was with his girlfriend. She's likely jealous or insecure, as a lot of girls tend to be. Whether she knows that you are his ex, or whether she thought you were just some random female, he probably didn't want to start trouble with her by smiling or waving at another woman.

Quote:
I do feel better off but how do you get over the hurt that is resurfaced ONCE again...argh!
What I do when I have all of these feelings for someone and they are eat me up inside is this - I get on my treadmill, put an appropriate CD in my CD player, and then sing along, pretending in my mind that I have become a famous singer and these are my songs and now the whole world, and especially the person who hurt me, can hear about my hurt and pain. Maybe it sounds silly, but it's a good stress reliever.

Hang in there babe, and don't be a stranger to the boards
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