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Old 12-16-2007, 02:23 AM   #1
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Why do I feel the need for male attention?

Hi I am 26 and have been single for about a year and a half after coming out of a really bad relationship that lasted for 7 years. I had only just turned 18 when I met my ex and we had two children together they are 4 and 18 months. During our relationship he would put me down everyday and tell me that I was lousy in bed, he also did nothing but lie to me and hardly anyone knew we where even in a relationship and if he did tell anyone then he would say that I was his girlfriend when in fact we where married, he also hid that fact that we had children. He also plays alot of mind games even now he thinks he can tell me how to live my life. Basically the relationship was really bad and I finally left him. But now since leaving him I am finding that I seek a lotof male attention, why I am I doing this and what can I do to stop it? I go out every satuarday night and when I pick up I find that I am picking up guys that are younger than me like in their early 20's. Most of the time I feel as though I need attention from males just to get through the day, like I am talking about I am wanting them to text me or talk to me online and say how much they like me, I am I like this because I am feeling the need to be loved or what? I also suffer from depression with I have recently started to take medication for. Before I got with my ex I had only had sex with two other people, now in the past year I have had sex with 11 guys and most of them I have had sex with 3 times or more, which is starting to make me feel like a sl*t. What can I do to take my mind off men? Would getting a boyfriend help or not? Hope this makes sense. I am just needing some other peoples point of veiw on my situation

 
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Old 12-16-2007, 04:02 AM   #2
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Re: Why do I feel the need for male attention?

Your self esteem is shot and you probably are feeling lonely. I think this is completely normal and many of us have gone through needing attention from the opposite sex. If you don't feel right about sleeping with these men, then you need to stop. I think sleeping with them and not being in a relationship with them is only going to bring your self esteem down even more.

First, going to bars and picking up guys is not the way to find someone. Perhaps you can look into actually dating and getting to know people before you sleep with them. A dating web site or having friends set you up is the way to go. You should be seeking partners who are OK with you having kids - maybe even someone who has their own kids?

There is more to you than bars and your ex. Seek out other hobbies and friends. What else makes you happy? Can you go back to school, pursue something you always wanted to do? Anything to make you feel good about yourself.

Best of luck. Give yourself time to heal through this. Sounds like you had a rough past. Give yourself credit for getting out of your relationship.

 
Old 12-16-2007, 06:14 AM   #3
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Re: Why do I feel the need for male attention?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Undertheweather View Post
... But now since leaving him I am finding that I seek a lotof male attention, why I am I doing this and what can I do to stop it?

Seeking male attention is normal and healthy, as long as you don't depend on it as much as you depend on oxygen. You can't stop it totally at your age, otherwise you may feel repressed. First step: stop going to those places and find things to do at home or elsewhere that require a lot of your attention and if possibly no approval from any other male.

... What can I do to take my mind off men?


Find things to do, make more friends, including male friends. Try to look at men as if they were simply other human beings, not only sex machines. Don't fall too easily for handsomeness. Get more involved with your kids.


Would getting a boyfriend help or not?

Well, it would, but maybe you need some time alone, for yourself. You can't change overnight from a one-night stander to a serious dater, in my opinion. Prepare yourself, first. Find new interests, things to talk about. You are so young and you still have time and room to build yourself up.

Hope this makes sense. I am just needing some other peoples point of veiw on my situation.

It does make sense. Hope this and the other messages can help you focus on what matters and give you some guidelines.

Last edited by pendulum; 12-16-2007 at 06:16 AM.

 
Old 12-16-2007, 10:15 AM   #4
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Re: Why do I feel the need for male attention?

No wonder you feel depressed! This is a lot to put up with. It could be post natal depression? coupled with the other problems you had to live with him. I agree there is nothing wrong with seeking male attention but youhave to protect yourself from STD. Try to have fun and everything but set limits and be selective about who you sleep with.

Don't set yourself up for more instability. While it is totally understandable that you need to fill in emotional gaps and free yourself mentally and physically from your ex's poisnous influence, do this in a safe way. You never know, you might soon find this special person who makes you feel secure.

 
Old 12-17-2007, 12:43 AM   #5
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Re: Why do I feel the need for male attention?

I think you have a good instinct that your behaviour at the moment is not really healthy. It never pays to ignore your gut feelings. It is understandable that your self-esteem is at rock bottom after your abusive relationship, but the main person you need to love you right now is yourself. Can you get a bit of counselling? I think that after what you have been dealing with, you could do with some support. I agree with the PP that you may well be depressed and this will make you want any distraction to make you feel "up". This will only be short-lived and habit-forming. Get into yourself and nurture and heal your wounded psyche. Best hopes for you, Sera

 
Old 12-18-2007, 05:38 PM   #6
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Re: Why do I feel the need for male attention?

Thanks for ur replies it makes me feel better to know that its normal to feel this way. I am a really shy person with very low self esteem as well as having post natal depression. About 2 weeks ago a met a guy we have only seen each other once but we got along so well i think its the best i have ever got along with a male. We talk every day via text and msn and things are goin really well, we are taking things very slow as I am not sure I am ready for a relationship yet. Does anyone have some suggestions on how to improve my self esteem? I live in a small country town and there isnt that much to do and it can get very boring and lonely. Thanks for your replies

 
Old 12-18-2007, 08:03 PM   #7
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Re: Why do I feel the need for male attention?

I've made this suggestion to several ladies. Try writing yourself notes and put them around the house. Tell yourself that you are worth it, great, beautiful, talented, charming, interesting, good mommy, good friend, happy. These things might not seem like much but if u leave them where you will see them a lot you'll get the message quite clearly in time. It's almost a subliminal thing. But the main point is that you'll start believing what you read. It took your ex a while to make you think that you're worthless, it'll take a while to remind you that you're not. Also, try making a big deal about yourself once in a while. Pamper you a lil. Make up your face, do your hair in a new style, dress to impress (you, not them). Get involved with your kids' daily activities. Teach them stuff and read to them. You will see improvement in your attitude towards you when you see improvement in your kids's attitudes towards you and others. Kids can be a reflextion of us, but we got to show them good stuff for them to reflect. If mommy mopes the kids will mope. If mommy smiles the kids will smile. Concentrating on your kids can help take your mind off the lack of good male attention that you desire. The reason that you desire it so much is because it was denied to you for a long time. We always want what we can't have. At least you're not jaded and hate men. I hope this helps a lil. Good luck with the new guy. Shane

 
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