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Old 12-17-2007, 06:29 AM   #1
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Alton, Illinois USA
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godfreygirl HB User
Unhappy Jealous of my bf's daughter and feel like second fiddle & KNOW it's just ME....HELP!

I've been going with my ex-husband's brother for over 2-1/2 years now. We broke up for about two weeks a while back and I posted here about it. I even have another guy that I am good friends with....I wrote about that too. I am 64 and my boyfriend is 78....but in NO way looks it, is very healthy, has worked out for years.....and so on. He knows about my friendship with "other guy" because I don't want to hide anything and we ARE just friends. BUT, my main problem even more lately is his daughter who I've known as my niece for years. Since we got back together after our breakup, we have been doing VERY well....mostly because I've changed my attitude a LOT and read a book called "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff In Love" and it helped me SOOOO much.

But I just can't seem to shake this.....I guess it's jealousy.....of his daughter. I know he calls her or she calls him almost every day.....sometimes more. She's married and lives in another state and I know they are close. As she told me once "I've always been 'daddy's girl' and don't want to give that up". Her and I have been friends, but I also know she is a VERY manipulative person and KNOWS how to get her way. I really DO know that my BF loves me very much......he shows it in many ways. But, his daughter bought a condo close by so she could come to town and visit more often and stay longer. Well, I know that here I am 64 years old and some of my feelings are very immature and a lot of it is just my imagination......but I just can't seem to get past it. She has a NEW condo that he has a key to, goes there often to get her mail, he pays her bills for her with blank checks she sends him, they have much more history than he and I do......and I DO know that in my HEAD, but not in my HEART.

A lot of the reason is that I NEVER had a dad. I was adopted and the dad who adopted me and I adored was killed in a car wreck 2 years after I was adopted. Well, it's difficult for me to understand this kind of closeness between a daughter and a dad and I feel SO resentful at times. I'm not sure if I'm jealous because she HAS such a great dad who stands by her and is close to OR if I'm jealous because they share things that I think he should share with ME. I don't want to ruin our relationship with MY pettiness or because this is blown up too much in my head because I DO love him very much. Now.......she knows how to plan things better than I do, she has MUCH more money than I do (her husband's a heart surgeon), she has a lot more interesting things to talk about than I do, she knows a lot more people than I do and shares information with her dad......so on and so on.

I just can't seem to shake this feeling of being inferior to her even though I KNOW he loves me and reminds me that this is his DAUGHTER.....I know that. It's worse here at Christmas time because I live alone, my kids live further away and we're not as close, I can't afford things like his daughter can, she bakes a lot and I don't have a kitchen to bake in anymore......(I live in a small 'convenience' apartment......she knows how to think of good surprises (which he loves), can think of JUST the right gift to give. I get depressed this time of year and he doesn't "get this".

Plus.....I have this other guy that I really AM just friends with......but HE would like it to be more. But HE is the one who sort of "takes care of me". He came over and cleaned off my car after a huge snow, he buys me things I can't afford (my BF lives on a fixed income), he's the one who asks if my car is okay for winter....enough antifreeze, tires good, etc.....and my BF never asks things like that. BUT, I don't LOVE this guy. But I do get to wondering at times if I am short changing myself by STAYING with the guy I love when the "other guy" really wants to BE there for me, take care of me, wants a long term permanent thing (which I don't know if I could do with ANY MAN since I've been on my own for so long now)......I guess I just get confused.

So.....any advice out there for me?? I HATE this jealous feeling....if that is what it really is.....resentment that SHE has a dad and I never did......I'm not sure what it is. I just know it's keeping me awake at night AND I'm acting a bit 'snotty' with him at times when I know he's called his daughter once or twice in a day and I am the one who called HIM that day. It's even worse when I know I'm too old to be acting and feeling like a child. I HATE this feeling.

It just seems I've lost what I learned in the "don't sweat the small stuff in love" that I read......it's still in my head, but hard to put into practice.

I hope this all makes sense. Right now.....I'd really just like to go to BED, cover my head and wait until all this Christmas stuff is over and get back up on January 2nd and get on with life. Thanks for any advice you can give.

 
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Old 12-17-2007, 11:03 AM   #2
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,503
KeltoKel HB User
Re: Jealous of my bf's daughter and feel like second fiddle & KNOW it's just ME....HE

You have 3 different things here -

a man you love who can't give you everything you want (are you ok with just love?)

a man you don't love who takes care of you

and an adult daughter of a man you love who you are jealous of

Well, you are right. I think this has a lot to do with how you think. His daughter seems great just by your words. Could it be you are jealous of the relationship your BF has with his daughter b/c you don't have a close relationship with your kids? I mean really, what is there to be jealous of? The time he spends with his daughter? Wow, he must be a great dad! What I would do for a dad so wonderful. If he treats his kids so well he must also treat you well.

It seems you have plenty of insecurities and maybe you need to keep working on those things. I can't say I have any one bit of advice. Maybe to just not lead on the man who you do not love - even though he wants to do things for you.

Either way, sounds like you attract some pretty sweet men and that is a good thing. Sorry I can't be more helpful.

 
Old 12-17-2007, 11:36 AM   #3
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 4,202
happymom28 HB User
Re: Jealous of my bf's daughter and feel like second fiddle & KNOW it's just ME....HE

Quote:
Originally Posted by KeltoKel View Post
His daughter seems great just by your words. Could it be you are jealous of the relationship your BF has with his daughter b/c you don't have a close relationship with your kids? I mean really, what is there to be jealous of? The time he spends with his daughter? Wow, he must be a great dad! What I would do for a dad so wonderful. If he treats his kids so well he must also treat you well.
That's exactly what I was thinking. Maybe you should try reaching out to your own children and see what happens? I'm obviously not going to be much help here either, but I think KeltoKel made a very good point as to where your "jealousy" could really be coming from.

 
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