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Old 12-18-2007, 03:05 PM   #1
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At the end of my tether

Well, how to put it without sounding overboard, because I really feel that things are overwhelmingly negative for me...
Not only I am doing a part-time job (full-time in my vacations), which is having a disruptive effect on my research in its final stages, I am struggling physically to cope, given that end of my study means starting a career in a different country.

Now here is what he did:
I KNOW he has to send his son an Xmas present, but he did so at the expense of paying rent! Firstly I am annoyed because he sent him money (a lot), as opposed to a present! This means that he has sent it implicitly to his ex too. Secondly, he did this only when I was at work, and I also noticed that Christmas cards (suitable only for more like our ages rather than a child) have been used. Well, YES this is why they are there, for us both to send them. Is it ok that he has `sent his really luni ex a greeting card? I find this very provocative but please correct me if I am taking it too sensitively.

Anyway, I am also very angry that he cashed postal orders that we have kept for a specific purpose. Not that I was not willing and happy for him to use them towards a present, but why not giving me prior notice. I used to be very generous with all his family. Now we are behind with the rent (obviously my part-time job does not pay enough and I can't take up a full time job since I am writing up my thesis). I am stressed out but I feel like making a point to him by paying only when he does his part fully. I am not being difficult but he knows that he is forcing me into a situation where I have to patch up for his kindness to his ex at the expense of me sending my own family and friends presents.

It is also my birthday soon and, while I am in no way comparing my joy receiving a gift with a child's (not at all), I still feel hurt that he has made sure he gets his son (and ex) presents FIRST and with no further payments into his account in the horizon.

Sorry guys, I swear it is NOT about money but the principle. I just wanted him to make me feel like hello I am not a stranger in the street and the last on your list. Anyway, I feel already quite down and we have been arguing a lot this evening, really nastily and I do hate it. We have not argued like this for over a year and I thought we will never again.

I have to submit my first draft of my PhD in mid-January and my mind and body are exhausted. There is no way I can have any more extensions.....the tenson is eating me up.

Last edited by Nina000; 12-18-2007 at 04:33 PM.

 
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Old 12-18-2007, 03:53 PM   #2
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Re: At the end of my tether

I completely get what you are saying Nina. It's not about the gift or the money, it is about the fact that he didn't consult you about the amount, he did it when you weren't around, and now you are suffering as a result (as in the lack of rent money in the account). I just see at as another knife in your back.

I'm sorry, but your husband infuriates me so I can only imagine how you must be feeling. Doesn't he understand that you love his son and the money is not the issue here? When is he going to start treating you as a partner and not as an enemy? I just don't get it.

I'm sorry things are so rotten right now. I know you have enough on your plate and dealing with you husband's lack of anything toward you certainly isn't helping. Did he even give you are reason as to why he did it in such a sneaky way behind your back?

It's too bad you couldn't go somewhere and have a little alone time to clear your head and work on your thesis. It really seems that you could use a little mental break from it all. I'm sorry I wasn't much help to you hon!

 
Old 12-18-2007, 04:28 PM   #3
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Re: At the end of my tether

Happymum, your words are a great help, I am glad somreone else feels that this is wrong. I am so fed up with him at the moment and you said it absolutely perfectly: he considers me sometimes as an enemey. I am appalled! I have honestly felt so sick the whole day, and tonight. I went out and treated myself to an expensive jacket from the UK's most expensive shops. Not that this makes me feel good but I am done compromising and sacificing and the real problem is, he does not understand how bad this influences me sometimes.He did not think that he owed me an apology for messing up the month's plans. I have 4 birthdays of my closest family members this month, plus Christmas and Newyear and other occasions, AND a very expensive rent, and all he's worried about is putting a smile on his ex's face! I only hope to keep my calm and patience so that I don't feel sick now!Tomorrow I have a job interview for a dream job and you know what guys, I just feel like I am not bothered anymore. Nothing changes, nothing gets better!

Last edited by Nina000; 12-18-2007 at 04:31 PM.

 
Old 12-18-2007, 04:36 PM   #4
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Re: At the end of my tether

Did he send his ex a gift or no? I don't get the impression that you know this for a fact.

But I don't know if it even matters if he did send her a gift or not, because the problem seems to run deeper than that. Forgive me for saying so, but it just seems that since you entered into this relationship, you have dug a deeper and deeper hole. You are very focused on his actions, but not so interested in changing your reactions. Even the idea of buying an expensive coat because you are angry and trying to prove a point- the only person you're hurting is yourself. Now you have that much less money for the things you need to pay, like rent.

A lot of people have told you this- that child is always going to come first. Always. You mention specifically that you don't understand why he had to get his child a gift first. Because it's his son. I realize this is a difficult thing, but maybe now is the time to start over somewhere else after all.

 
Old 12-18-2007, 05:07 PM   #5
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Re: At the end of my tether

I agree with Bulletproof - as hard and disappointing as it may be for you, his son will ALWAYS come before your family to him. This also means that he really has no choice but to maintain cordiality with his ex. Having said that, I am sorry that he has not consulted you on the spending of your combined finances, etc. Maybe there is just too much baggage attached to him for this relationship to have much hope of going the long term. Buying the jacket was a bit of a knee-jerk action which will now give him a hook to hang his inevitable complaints on. Sera

 
Old 12-18-2007, 05:21 PM   #6
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Re: At the end of my tether

This is another example of your husband's conflict avoidance personality. He avoids conflict by taking care of his son without consulting you -- And all the other issues with his mother and ex.

 
Old 12-18-2007, 05:26 PM   #7
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Re: At the end of my tether

No matter what... his child comes first and the money would go to the child's mother to spend however she wishes to be sure the child is taken care of. I'm sorry but the guy you are with comes with baggage and this is what is in store for you for the rest of your life together. If you can't deal with it then you are with the wrong guy. Actually, he shouldn't even be in a relationship that he can't afford but if you allow him to stay then you better get a full time job.

 
Old 12-19-2007, 01:00 AM   #8
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Re: At the end of my tether

There are so many messages in here that it is really hard to know where to begin. I really don't see you at the end of your tether, but rather a little bit confused. Sorry.

I might be wrong, but basically this is not a bad guy: I don't think he is verbally abusive, I don't think he drinks (any more), does drugs or cheats on you, he has a job (doesn't he?), he doesn't interfere with your own job or your research, maybe he is even helpful with the chores (I don't know) and especially he seems to be a good parent (I don't think you would approve of him if he were neglectful of his son, would you?). I am not saying he is perfect, because first show me someone who is, and maybe like most guys, he could be a little bit insensitive to subtleties. All in all, he is not someone to be discarded, and correct me if I am wrong, you still love him, and I hope he still loves you.

I am not saying that he did the right thing about spending that money on his son's gift or whatever, but maybe he did it rather secretively just to spare you a maybe unpleasant experience. You say you are behind with the rent, but I don't know exactly what that means: is the rent past due, or do you still have the time to raise the money? If the latter, you can't, strictly speaking, say he made a big mistake, because he may still come up with the money at the very last moment.

I don't think his son will always come first in his life, but he probably will until he becomes an independent man, or until you and he have a child together. In that second case, the focus of your husband's attention would shift to the newborn. I feel that you long to be treated in the same fashion, I mean, with the same attention and care that he dedicates to his son. That's fair, but to a certain extent you and his child can't be compared with each other. It's a different kind of love, a different age and status. Moreover, the kid doesn't live with him, which may bring some guilt to him (the father). If the boy lived with his father and you, it might be easier for him (your husband), though another kind of tension might build up between the three of you.

Alternatively, he may see your PhD as your own child, and probably in his mind this is a balanced situation: he has his kid, and you have your dissertation.

I don't know if it is high time you moved on, parted from him, whatever. What I want to say is that the possible "failure" of this relationship is not so much the lack of a dialogue between both of you, but especially the fact that you seem to be living lives apart from each other, as if each of you were hiding in their own cubicle, and apparently don't share any project, any vision, anything/anybody you can call as belonging to both of you. Maybe there is still time to correct this, before it gets too late.

Last edited by pendulum; 12-19-2007 at 01:05 AM.

 
Old 12-19-2007, 04:45 AM   #9
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Re: At the end of my tether

Nina - it doesn't sound like he's being very considerate. He did this stuff, knowing that you were not in agreement. I understand it's not about the money, but the fact that he obviously ignored your wishes & went through with what he did anyway. That's not fair. It's understandable to want to send your son a gift at Christmas time... but he should have sent a GIFT, not MONEY & he shouldn't have spent so much that he used up all the rent.

As far as the card thing goes... I think if you're friendly with the ex (esp with a child involved) there's nothing wrong with sending a general holiday greeting card. But if they don't get along or it bothered you, he should have sent a child holiday greeting card to his son, only - that would have been more considerate to your feelings about it.

Hopefully you have told him exacly how his actions have made you feel & he was understanding of it & won't do this type of thing again. That is very stressful on a relationship.

 
Old 12-19-2007, 06:17 AM   #10
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Re: At the end of my tether

Of course his son is going to be his top priority. I don't think Nina is disputing that. Like she said, it's not the gift or the money, it is the principle of the situation.

Here's why I have a problem with the greeting card to the ex. She has done everything in her power to make your life miserable and basically manipulate your husband. Until your husband grows a pair the situation will never get better. He will continue to put his ex's feelings above your's because she holds the cards with his son. He CAN rectify that situation but he CHOOSES not to and at your expense.

The thing that is so mind boggling to me is that he could have done any of a number of things that didn't cause you not to have your rent. I'm sorry, but I don't buy my children gifts over getting the rent paid. Isn't a roof over one's head more important than any material gift? I just think it was handled poorly all around and it's about time your husband wakes up before he drives you away permanently!

Now Nina, I do suggest that you stop "emotionally shopping" when he does something like that. It's not going to make you feel any better and will only stand to put you into more debt. I know it feels good at the time, but believe me, it's only going to make things worse.

Are you feeling any better today? Are you two at least speaking?

 
Old 12-19-2007, 07:40 AM   #11
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Re: At the end of my tether

Every time you post her I dislike your husband even more. I don't think the issue is the gift for the child. You are not that petty. I do think rent should be a priority as well and should be paid first.If this were a one-time thing I would say no big deal, but you hubby has a history of lying and putting you dead last and leaving you out. I hate to say it, but if you were out of the picture, his ex would be right back wtih him, and I think maybe he kind of wants that too.

 
Old 12-19-2007, 07:44 AM   #12
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Re: At the end of my tether

Ouch and ouch again. Tack this one on to one more 'rub it in Nina's face' if you ask me. Your husband continually moves to the tune of his ex-wifes trumpet and puts you at the bottom rung. I know your emotion over this situation has nothing to do with his son at all, but with his exwife and him putting YOU and YOUR housing together at risk to send money (not a 'gift' but cash and apparently a good deal of it) to ex for his son. Ouch. I'd be pretty upset, too.

Normally I'd say a greeting card to the ex (especially when a child is involved) is pretty legit and ok on the standards pole... however I tend to agree with Happymom that in THIS case -where his ex wife has soooo vehnemently opposed your relationship, your marriage, treated you horrible, manipulated him continually... well, he must know it'd be hurtful to you for him to do something like that. *shrug* Kind of common sense, to most of us, really. His ex wife is a freak, he's a push over, and you're unfortunately left to fend for yourself time and time again against his weaknesses with her.

His problem is that he has no balls. They're in her purse. She's zipped them up in the deepest inside pocket and he refuses to take them back and she'll never let them go. Apparently, he's okay with this scenario. His family is okay with this scenario, and you're the only one who takes offense to the whole situation - as I think you rightly should.

Your husband doesn't make you a priority. In fact, I don't think he ever has in the few years I've been here and ready your multitude of posts about everything he's done, his family has done, and his ex wife have done to you. I don't know how you continue to convince yourself that this will get better - I can tell you in the last 3 years of my 'internet' insight to your relationship it hasn't changed a bit. He's still as inconsiderate to your feelings and your place in his life as he's ever been. Seriously.

I dream of the day you wake up and realize you could meet a guy who actually treats you like a partner ALL of the time, instead of the few times it suits him and no one else is telling him what to do. Because then you'd see what it really feels like to be loved... I genuinely don't think he's capable of this, to be honest.

I wish you'd leave and go get started on YOUR life. One that could only be better without this emotional (you can't say vamp-ire?!) of a husband. He refuses to do what's right by you, he won't stand up to anyone in his life that puts you down year after year. What he doesn't see is that this shouldn't have to effect his relationship w/ his son. If he really wanted to work it out he could, he chooses not to and you get screwed over every single time.

I feel for you. Finish your thesis, leave him, and go start your new life and job in a new country where you can become a free individual ready to be loved. He just can't do it properly and I just don't see how he ever will after all of these years of continually failing at it.

Last edited by Destea; 12-19-2007 at 07:46 AM.

 
Old 12-19-2007, 09:59 AM   #13
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Re: At the end of my tether

Quote:
Originally Posted by Destea View Post
Normally I'd say a greeting card to the ex (especially when a child is involved) is pretty legit and ok on the standards pole... however I tend to agree with Happymom that in THIS case -where his ex wife has soooo vehnemently opposed your relationship, your marriage, treated you horrible, manipulated him continually... well, he must know it'd be hurtful to you for him to do something like that. *shrug* Kind of common sense, to most of us, really.
I agree with this. The Christmas card to the ex would be something I'd have received as a kick in the teeth if the ex had treated me as badly as Nina has been treated time and time again by this woman. And I'm talking about a regular Christmas greeting card; Nina has said that this card he sent his ex was 'adult' in nature, by that I'm taking it to mean it was in some way sexually provocative or low-key pornographic. Good Lord! If that was my bloke there'd be more getting stuffed round here than a turkey...

Aside from the card issue; the fact that her husband put them into such serious debt that even the roof over their heads is in jeopardy, well, obviously there's no excusing that.

I've never read anything in Ninas posts that would suggest she isn't fully accepting of the fact that her husband has obligations to his son, but no parent has an obligation to see themselves and their partner out on the street for the sake of an overly extravagant Christmas gift. That isn't the fulfillment of an obligation; it is the undertaking of plain selfish stupidity.

When a father has remarried of course he has obligations to his child, but he also has obligations to his new wife and one of them is to manage the finances with her and not banjax the household economy with needless extravagant gifts.

What's happening now Nina honey? Are you ok?

What a way to spend Christmas... I'm sorry to read all this hon {{hugs}}

Last edited by Laylah; 12-19-2007 at 10:00 AM. Reason: misspelling

 
Old 12-19-2007, 10:49 AM   #14
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Re: At the end of my tether

Thank you everyone who responded. Will try to reply to you individually but I just feel I have to reply to a couple of points:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seraph View Post
I agree with Bulletproof - as hard and disappointing as it may be for you, his son will ALWAYS come before your family to him. This also means that he really has no choice but to maintain cordiality with his ex.
Seraph, my family ALWAYS come first to me too, and there is no way I will compromise this bit here. They are top of the pyramid, and definitely come before his ex and his own family. How to resolve this with such a sneaky stubborn attitude? The deal is to try and work out what can be best for all.

WHY should I be friends with someone who showered me with her abuse and stalked him for ages on the phone..???? I have more pride than stooping to her level and she will never dream of a conversation with me again, not to mention cordiality.

Again, I have NO PROBLEM WHATSOEVER about buying a gift, a GIFT, not cash that his mental ex may go and spend on pairs of knickers fantasising about him. This woman is an absolute mental case, the only thing she has left undone is coming here to drag him into her bed. She booked for him to go to hers few weeks ago? What rights do they think she or he has over me? NONE.

It is the way he puts it rather than what happened. If he came to me and told me that he desires to mess our finances this month and buy a gift for his child with a third of his money, then I would happily say yes. However, he did not do that, he waited till I was at work and sent them.

ok this money he used was a third of what he had for a month to come . If I patch up for his spending, then there will be no need for him to think of responsibility. This is why I bought the coat (oh and boots today). It is not a reaction, it is just to let him understand that spending irresponsibly is fine by me too.

Have I mentioned that he has not yet bought me a card? I have not spoken with him at all today (ate out too)....it is a pity that Christmas and other holidays have started and we are in this awful mood and situation. Can't even bear to sit with him in the same room

Last edited by Nina000; 12-19-2007 at 10:56 AM. Reason: grammar /spelling as always

 
Old 12-19-2007, 11:06 AM   #15
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Re: At the end of my tether

Quote:
Originally Posted by happymom28 View Post
Of course his son is going to be his top priority. I don't think Nina is disputing that. Like she said, it's not the gift or the money, it is the principle of the situation.

Here's why I have a problem with the greeting card to the ex. She has done everything in her power to make your life miserable and basically manipulate your husband. Until your husband grows a pair the situation will never get better. He will continue to put his ex's feelings above your's because she holds the cards with his son. He CAN rectify that situation but he CHOOSES not to and at your expense.

The thing that is so mind boggling to me is that he could have done any of a number of things that didn't cause you not to have your rent. I'm sorry, but I don't buy my children gifts over getting the rent paid. Isn't a roof over one's head more important than any material gift? I just think it was handled poorly all around and it's about time your husband wakes up before he drives you away permanently!

Now Nina, I do suggest that you stop "emotionally shopping" when he does something like that. It's not going to make you feel any better and will only stand to put you into more debt. I know it feels good at the time, but believe me, it's only going to make things worse.

Are you feeling any better today? Are you two at least speaking?
Thank you SO MUCH HappyMum, you summarised it all in the first three lines of your post.
Sorry I read your advice only after I went on a second day emotional shopping and spent a bit too much too!! I swear to God I don't want to behave like this but there is something telling me that I am more worthy of my own money than his ex? Does this make any sense to anyone?
You see happymum, if I pay everything this month, this would mean that she has the cash for fun and I stay with nothing. But I understand where you are coming from, totally.

Today, I left to my interview in the morning, different city and a dream job, but guess what? My mind went blank, did not even remember names of books, tools etc they asked me about. This is a job I could have easily gotten if I had enough sleep and preparation but here we go! I left the place literally in tears. Then spent till ann hour ago, shopping and in the library. I also ate out because I really feel like I want to do less things with him.

Thanks for asking Happymum. X

 
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