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Old 12-22-2007, 06:44 PM   #1
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Help! Caught husband at strip club last night!

Help! I caught my husband at a strip club last night. We've been together about 12 years, and have a child.

Last night, he turned off his cell on his way home from work. By 8 when his cell was still off and he wasn't home, I something wasn't right, he never does that. So I found out where he was from a source.

I hopped in the car and found my husband extremely drunk at a strip club with a couple of guys from work. Although I didn't notice the guys because I spotted my hubby wearing a Santa hat, with his arm around 2 strippers, and leaning over close to one as she was speaking to him. I freaked out and grabbed the Santa hat off his head and slapped him with it a few times, and turned and left. I waited outside the bar about 10 minutes until I saw him leave.

I've been very upset over the whole thing for the past 24 hours. Help! What do I do? He didn't call, didn't say he wanted to go out with a few guys for an extended xmas party and turned off his phone! Then, instead of finding him sitting with buddies at the strip club, (for those of you who think it's ok if a dh goes to those places) I found him hanging on 2 stippers! I was horrified. Laddies, how would should I feel about this? And how would you feel if it were your husband? I don't want my dh at strip clubs at all, ever. I don't think he has any business there. He never went to them in the past, and years ago he acted irritated when a guy tried to get him to speak to strippers when we were all out. And he never drank, who is this person?

He says his buddies think it's funny that I smacked him like that. I found 300 worth of charges to that place on our account today. How should I feel? I'm horrified to the point of thinking maybe I should leave him for this.

He thinks I should forget it sinse he doesn't go out that much, and wanted to have a party.

Last edited by Bigirlsdontcry; 12-22-2007 at 11:44 PM.

 
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Old 12-22-2007, 11:30 PM   #2
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Re: Help! Caught husband at strip club last night!

No one wants to try this one? I'm really freaking out. With every passing minute I despise him more and more for doing this. I'm just so tired of it. He KNEW I'd be upset he spent so much money. He KNEW I'd be upset if he didn't call. He KNEW he needed to ask before going to such a place. We've been together way too long for him to not know. And he KNEW I'd be upset about the drinking.

Christmas is so close, if I leave now, I'll mess things up for our child.

Last edited by Bigirlsdontcry; 12-22-2007 at 11:37 PM.

 
Old 12-23-2007, 03:48 AM   #3
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Re: Help! Caught husband at strip club last night!

I think it is the character change that would be horrifying me more than the strip club itself. What has changed him from the sensible moral guy he was into this idiot?? Is he taking stuff? on some sort of mind-altering medication? drinking more?....It would be very worrying to me. Of course the strip club thing is pretty awful too, but it seems more a symptom of something that is going through his head than anything else. Has he been stressed? I don't mean to excuse his behaviour, but it seems he has had an about-turn with his principles. This needs getting to the bottom of IMO. Good luck, Sera

 
Old 12-23-2007, 05:00 AM   #4
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Re: Help! Caught husband at strip club last night!

Part of me wants to say he was with the guys and "forced" to do it by peer pressure. If that was the case he could have gone along but not get so into it. He should have at least called and said "I'm going out with the boys...I'll be home late".

I know my husband has been to such places a few times...and he did not tell me at the time...but I know he is not one to get drunk...after that, does anyone really know "that side" of their husbands.

I don't blame you for being upset at all. But I would not leave over this one event. Keep notes on other things he does during the next year and see if something has changed in his personality. Take it from there...you can always get advice from the board. If he starts going out without calling etc. something has changed.

Your husband doesn't think it is a big deal. If he does this every week that is one thing but if he goes every few years...I think it is just something guys do now and then...bachelor party without a groom. Unfortunatly you had to see it.

 
Old 12-23-2007, 05:46 AM   #5
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Re: Help! Caught husband at strip club last night!

Honey, your husband got off lightly here and I wouldnt mind telling him so myself; if that had been my bloke he'd have got a smack of something a whole lot harder than a Santy Clause hat, and he'd have felt the difference - trust me!

The drinking I can excuse (I'm not in a position to appropriate blame there, ha ha!) - the half naked women, I cant.

I'm sorry, but I would just break my bf's face if I caught him in that sort of kip - and with his arms around them too!!! Jesus!! Can you get any worse??

I'm sorry Bigirlsdontcry, I don't have much in the way of advice, but I would like to lend my support and reaffirm you have EVERY right to have steam coming out of your ears at this time.

Maybe give him the cold shoulder for a couple of days; maybe put that fantastic female skill into use; I call it - 'Picture, but no sound', like when the telly's broke and you can see everything but hear nothing, ha ha. Men hate that and women hate what they do to deserve it but these are the cards the Good Lord dealt us, more's the pity for us!

What on earth do they get out of it??? Half naked women with their boobs hanging out?! So what??? The way men go on you'd think we were born with our clothes on...

The one piece of advice I'd give you is this: Don't allow this to ruin your Christmas. Give him the silent treatment, give him the 'picture, but no sound' for a couple of days - let him know how 'not on' this is, and then, when the subject comes up (which it surely will) tell him if he wants to see a pair of boobs, or anything else intimately female, there's only one place to go - home.

 
Old 12-23-2007, 05:54 AM   #6
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Re: Help! Caught husband at strip club last night!

Thanks for all comments. I think part of my problem, is the strip club party was HIS idea. It wasn't pear pressure. The club was closest to where WE live, not the other guys. Not only that, because he didn't ask, or tell me before doing it, I felt he had something to hide. So I went there, and found him with his arm around 2 of them flirting with them, and WEARING A SANTA hat. That really ticked me off, like he was trying to be cute with them wearing that hat.

It made me sick. I thought if I found him just sitting with the guys, I'd mainly be mad that he turned off his phone and didn't tell me. Then I found out he spent way too much money, in addition, it was HIS idea AND he was TOUCHING them and talking to them (his arm's around them). To me touching women in strip clothes(almost no clothes) is cheating, as opposed to "just looking". I feel the excessive spending and excessive flirting/touching is why he didn't tell me. Was he trying to "get lucky" with one of them? He's too excessive in his actions.

Last edited by Bigirlsdontcry; 12-23-2007 at 06:16 AM.

 
Old 12-23-2007, 06:05 AM   #7
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Re: Help! Caught husband at strip club last night!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bigirlsdontcry View Post
To me touching women in strip clothes(almost no clothes) is cheating, as opposed to "just looking".
I agree with you there Bigirlsdontcry, and I think you should say so to your husband.

 
Old 12-23-2007, 06:13 AM   #8
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Re: Help! Caught husband at strip club last night!

I just had a really evil thought but this may make him feel stupider than any other punishment. Tell everyone what he did..his mom, dad, sisters, brothers, grandma, grandpa...etc etc. Won't he feel like a heal! To me the worse thing is blowing the money that you obviously DO NOT have!
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Old 12-23-2007, 06:19 AM   #9
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Re: Help! Caught husband at strip club last night!

You guys have been really great and supportive. I guess I'll just have to work through this the best way I can.

 
Old 12-23-2007, 06:20 AM   #10
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Re: Help! Caught husband at strip club last night!

I would so want to hurt him!! Seriously!! Wasting money on something unnecessary like that, and actually touching them? TO me, that's grounds for a divorce or something, if he feels the need to go to a place like that and act in such a fashion! To me, it is cheating since he isn't just looking, like he's supposed to (I still don't see the fascination with guys wanting to look at strippers when they have a girlfriend or wife at home that can do that for them for free in a loving, caring manner). The whole strip thing is so trashy.

I hope things work out for you, but I do feel you should sit him down (after the holidays) and just talk to him thoroughly about how you feel about this situation and make sure to go on about how you do see his actions as borderline cheating. He was carrying on like a bachelor, from how I'm seeing it.

 
Old 12-23-2007, 07:53 AM   #11
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Re: Help! Caught husband at strip club last night!

I don't think you should tell his family about it to 'punish' him. You are his wife, not his mother, and getting any other people involved seems like a very bad idea.

I think you are focusing on the details and manifestations of his problem rather than the problem itself. The problems really seem to be a lack of communication, spending joint finances friviously, and out-of-character behavior. I don't feel that going to a strip club in and of itself is that offensive, but everybody has different views on that. If you husband knows you feel that way about strip clubs and married you knowing this, then it seems that he should be working within the constraints of the relationship he signed on for.

Divorce seems like a very extreme reaction. Have a conversation about this and sort it out so you can put it behind you, have a good holiday and start the new year on the right foot. Punishing him by being angry and showing him who's boss is just going to make him resent you, and create a parent-child dynamic in the marriage as opposed to a partnership dynamic.

 
Old 12-23-2007, 08:40 AM   #12
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Re: Help! Caught husband at strip club last night!

How old is he? Second teenage is a problem with some men. Midlife crisis is another thing that can cause unusual behavior. I'll admit touching the girls was a bit too far but getting lit at a strip club and watching half naked women dancing around can be appealing to some men. The money spent could be his way of rebelling against what he sees as an arbitrary relationship. After you have given him the silent treatment for a few days, sit him down and ask him if he'd like to see something like that at home. Roleplaying can be very exciting for some men. It can give them something they feel they're missing. I'm not taking his side on this, you have every right to be totally ticked off, but punishing him for his odd behavior will only make him want to do more or even go further. Shane

 
Old 12-23-2007, 09:37 AM   #13
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Re: Help! Caught husband at strip club last night!

Quote:
Originally Posted by cherokeepyrate View Post
How old is he? Second teenage is a problem with some men. Midlife crisis is another thing that can cause unusual behavior. I'll admit touching the girls was a bit too far but getting lit at a strip club and watching half naked women dancing around can be appealing to some men. The money spent could be his way of rebelling against what he sees as an arbitrary relationship. After you have given him the silent treatment for a few days, sit him down and ask him if he'd like to see something like that at home. Roleplaying can be very exciting for some men. It can give them something they feel they're missing. I'm not taking his side on this, you have every right to be totally ticked off, but punishing him for his odd behavior will only make him want to do more or even go further. Shane
I just wanted to say thanks for your input. I'm not sure what you mean by rebelling against an arbitrary relationship. I just wanted to make something a little more clear. I absolutely would not have been upset, if:

1) He would have told me he wanted to go with the guys to the strip club.
2) Said he would be home at a certain time, and told me which club.
3) Did't drink too much.
4) Only looked, and didn't touch.
5) Set a decent spending limit.

These are things a responsible adult would have done.

Last edited by Bigirlsdontcry; 12-23-2007 at 10:02 AM.

 
Old 12-23-2007, 10:05 AM   #14
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Re: Help! Caught husband at strip club last night!

I just wanted to add, he keeps smiling and looking happy every time he mentions that I beat his a**. He gets this look of deep happiness and content. And then he says that I'm awsome and smiles. What's his deal?

He says he needed his butt kicked and he's glad I saved him from himself. And he thinks it's funny that his buddies think it's so funny that I beat his a**. My mom thinks he's glad someone would fight for him.

I'm not sure what to think of this.

 
Old 12-23-2007, 10:32 AM   #15
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Re: Help! Caught husband at strip club last night!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bigirlsdontcry View Post
I just wanted to add, he keeps smiling and looking happy every time he mentions that I beat his a**. He gets this look of deep happiness and content. And then he says that I'm awsome and smiles. What's his deal?

He says he needed his butt kicked and he's glad I saved him from himself. And he thinks it's funny that his buddies think it's so funny that I beat his a**. My mom thinks he's glad someone would fight for him.

I'm not sure what to think of this.
I'm sorry OP; I couldnt help but laugh at that! Ha ha; this sounds like a man who loves his wife and has learned his lesson!

Last edited by Laylah; 12-23-2007 at 10:33 AM.

 
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