I can't believe what a horrible person I've been lately. My boyfriend has been nothing but good to me and this holiday season I've been acting like a crazy brat.
After almost 3 years of dating, we finally moved in together last June. It was really hard at first, but we seem to have adjusted. Everyone told me it would be a huge shock, and there were a few bumps. Yet things have been great for the most part.
Then I heard that his sister was going to get engaged soon. I FLIPPED out with feelings of jealousy. Why would she get married before me, her boyfriend is a loser, etc. My own boyfriend has told me he wants to get married but he does not have money for a ring right now. You'd think I'd be perfectly happy with that. I'm lucky to have him. Instead I am bitterly jealous and angry and comparing us to his sister and her bf. THEY moved in together after 6 months of dating while we took almost 3 years. Why do I even care? I know it must be my own insecurity, but I thought I was too old for these bratty feelings (I am 26 and pretty ashamed of myself).
Do I need to work on my self esteem or what? My stomach turns when I hear her talk of rings and weddings. A couple of my friends have certainly gotten married before me, and I did NOT harbor any bad feelings about it.
I think it's natural to compare our relationships with the relationships of others. It's not necessarily healthy, but it is natural. The thing you have to remember is every relationship is different just as every person is different.
I think his sister's engagement is bringing out the feelings of "where is our relationship going". And after 3 years of dating and no engagement I can't blame you for feeling that way. Personally, I think the excuse of not enough money for a ring is lame at best.
I am not a materialistic girl by any means and I told my husband not to get me an engagement ring when we decided to get married. I thought the money would be better spent elsewhere. Instead I have a very beautiful wedding band that I love more than any other piece of jewelry I've ever had. But I know not every woman feels the way I do. I'm not saying wanting an engagement ring is materialistic by any means, I'm just saying you don't need the most expensive one money has to buy.
I think you should talk to your boyfriend. You don't need to have a ring on your finger to set a wedding date, at least in my opinion. You at the very least deserve to know that he is serious about marrying you. After 3 years you do have to wonder if that day will ever come. I know I would.
I'm not trying to make things worse here at all. I just don't think this is a "jealousy" thing so much as you want to know where you stand with your boyfriend and your future. Communication is the only way to get the bottom of things. How much money does he plan on spending on a ring? Is he willing to shop with you to find a lovable and more affordable ring? Test his excuse of not enough money.
I think it's natural to compare our relationships with the relationships of others. It's not necessarily healthy, but it is natural. The thing you have to remember is every relationship is different just as every person is different.
I think his sister's engagement is bringing out the feelings of "where is our relationship going". And after 3 years of dating and no engagement I can't blame you for feeling that way. Personally, I think the excuse of not enough money for a ring is lame at best.
I am not a materialistic girl by any means and I told my husband not to get me an engagement ring when we decided to get married. I thought the money would be better spent elsewhere. Instead I have a very beautiful wedding band that I love more than any other piece of jewelry I've ever had. But I know not every woman feels the way I do. I'm not saying wanting an engagement ring is materialistic by any means, I'm just saying you don't need the most expensive one money has to buy.
I think you should talk to your boyfriend. You don't need to have a ring on your finger to set a wedding date, at least in my opinion. You at the very least deserve to know that he is serious about marrying you. After 3 years you do have to wonder if that day will ever come. I know I would.
I'm not trying to make things worse here at all. I just don't think this is a "jealousy" thing so much as you want to know where you stand with your boyfriend and your future. Communication is the only way to get the bottom of things. How much money does he plan on spending on a ring? Is he willing to shop with you to find a lovable and more affordable ring? Test his excuse of not enough money.
I don't care much about a ring either. HE seems to be the one who cares. He has told me that I deserve a big beautiful ring and that is what he wants to get me some day. Even though I don't really want an expensive ring.
I don't even want a big wedding. Vegas would be fine with me. He seems to think I'll regret that though, as I'm from a huge family. ( He won't admit it, but I think he is actually worried about his big family)
Basically I think he wants us to get our act together financially a bit more before we get married. Saving for a house in Massachusetts is pretty difficult- I am from there too. I appreciate that. However, I see many many people with worse cash problems getting married every day. I'm sure it's not easy. Still-- I've heard many times that there will always be money troubles. Even if we wait a few years to save up and pay off bills, I'm sure we will still enter marriage with some money arguments. So I don't buy his argument that it will be easier later.
Eesh, I searched the terms "why won't he marry me" and many many pages of message boards showed up. Women all say - Oh if he really loved you he would marry you right away, he must not be that into you. And men all say what does marriage really change?
I KNOW my boyfriend loves me with all his heart, how come so many women encourage eachother to doubt it? How come so many men are blah about marriage? Perhaps women are all going crazy over it, and that discourages them. And then of course there is the divorce rate.
I really urge you to talk to him about what you want. I understand his thinking you will feel slighted and regret not having it all, but he needs to know that that doesn't matter as much to you as being his wife does.
I have to tell you, I've been married twice. I've had the big extravegant church wedding with a large reception and I've stood up in front of a justice of the peace with our immediate families with a small dinner afterward. I have more memories of the more intimate wedding because it was how I wanted it, well we wanted it, and not how my ex-mother-in-law wanted it. I'm sure the man I married the second time had a lot to do with it too.
I'm not encouraging you to doubt his love. I am encouraging you to let him know how you feel. Let him know you are not into the whole large wedding expensive ring thing. Let him know your ideas of what you have envisioned. See if you two can work out a timeline together. So many men think we need to have it all when that just isn't the case. If he keeps insisting you hold off that is when I would question things.
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