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Old 12-26-2007, 07:01 PM   #1
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drunken infidelity...

So, I've been with this girl for a year. We've lived together for at least 6 months of that. We were the a fantastic couple. Really, it was fantastic in all aspects.

One Monday night she went to work as a waitress. She called from work to say she was almost done and coming home. She never came home. She stopped off at a bar to meet a friend for a drink and they ended up closing the joint down. Then her and her friend went home with some guys she met there. YOu know how this goes. She ended up staying there all night and going down on a guy she just met.

Meanwhile, I"m home like a schmuck thinking something bad happened. Calling police, hospitals, and such.

She came home at 10am still reeking of booze. She attempted to lie about what she did until I could take the lies no more. She eventually told the truth.

She has since been trying to proclaim her love for me saying it was a stupid mistake, blah, blah. A lot of crying and saying sorry and that she wants to be with me and such. It all sounds very convincing.

I can't talk about this to any of my friends about this because I'm so embarrassed.

Need some opinions here. Is this a capital offense? Is it completely stupid to even consider trusting this girl again?

 
Old 12-26-2007, 07:09 PM   #2
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Re: drunken infidelity...

No need to be embarrassed, you're not the one who did the cheating, she is. If anyone should be ashamed, it's her!

It's up to you whether you trust her again. For me, having been cheated on in the past, I have to say I would not. For me, loyalty and honesty are the most important things for a guy to keep during our relationship. If he doesn't keep up his end of the deal, then he's done. He's gone. He's kicked to the curb. But that's my situation, that's what I'd do. I really can't tell you what to do. I don't think there is any excuse for cheating, drunk or sober. I can't think of a single instance when it would be forgivable for someone to cheat on their significant other.

The problem with staying with her now is that you know what happened (which is actually a good thing because now it's up to you whether to stay or go), which means that you will always have that in the back of your mind whenever you're with her. Can you handle that? Can you do that and not feel some extreme resentment toward her? If you think you can get past it and you want to forgive her, then you should. But you have to ask yourself whether you can get through it and not hold it against her forever. Just so you know, though, it would be completely normal and expected of you to not be able to get over it, because you shouldn't have to forgive her for this. You shouldn't have to allow her to get away with it. Just keep that in mind as you are making your decision. Remember, you're not the bad guy in this breakup, because she is the one who cheated. Remember that!!

 
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Old 12-27-2007, 03:56 AM   #3
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Re: drunken infidelity...

Whether or not you can trust her or not is up to you. It sounds to me like that it was very easy for her to forget her loyalty to you and do this. I would worry more about being with someone who exercised such bad judgement and lack of morals after drinking. I think this would be the red flag for me. You need to be able to trust somebody to do the right thing even if they have had too much to drink.

 
Old 12-27-2007, 05:18 AM   #4
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Re: drunken infidelity...

Quote:
Originally Posted by jadaway View Post
...

Need some opinions here. Is this a capital offense? Is it completely stupid to even consider trusting this girl again?
Yes, I think that it was a serious offense to you and to herself (sort of self-destructive).

But no, I don't think it is completely stupid to even consider trusting this girl again. No, let me rephrase this: actually, it is very difficult to give you a decisive answer to that question. If you act on an impulse, you'd leave her alone. If you step back for a while and try to see the whole picture, you might want to have another try.

To me, her first mistake was not to tell you that she had changed her plans about coming home. That was really very neglectful of her. Doesn't she have a cell phone or something? If this wasn't her first time to do such, I would be extremely worried and upset about it. I would decide that it is a pattern with her, and I find this to be unacceptable.

Her second mistake was to drink and then probably get drunk. Again, was this her first time? What about her friend? Do you know her? It is not for you to choose her friends, but, as her boy-friend, you are entitled to have an opinion about whether this particular friend makes or not a good company. If you can't tolerate most of her friends and if you don't think it's right to forbid her to keep in touch with them, then maybe you should consider moving on.

Her third mistake was going down on the guy. Whether this was a consequence of her two previous mistakes or not seems somewhat irrelevant. But let's admit that the effect of the alcohol had a main role here. No, I am not excusing her. I am just acknowledging that too much alcohol can really cloud your perception and you end up doing being led to do things, as if in a trance. But what if there were no drinking involved? Would there be any cheating?

Her fourth mistake was the lying. But what else was she expected to do other than lie?

There are too many questions to be answered and it's only natural for you to be confused.

I think that the best thing for you to do at this moment is to give her some time to think for herself and decide what she really wants for herself and her life. Stay away from each other for say one month - is this something viable? - and then have a meeting and decide what to do about yourselves.

You may have the sentiment of the "burned child" for a long time, but if she is able to make a few sacrifices (never be neglectful again; stop drinking excessively; keep away from pernicious friends, if any; and be faithful) and if you can afford to wait to see the results, then maybe you can give her a second chance.

But you must also be ready to lose her, if in her time away from you, she honestly decides she wants a different kind of life rather than be with you. Be strong.

 
Old 12-27-2007, 06:29 AM   #5
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Re: drunken infidelity...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seraph View Post
Whether or not you can trust her or not is up to you. It sounds to me like that it was very easy for her to forget her loyalty to you and do this. I would worry more about being with someone who exercised such bad judgement and lack of morals after drinking. I think this would be the red flag for me. You need to be able to trust somebody to do the right thing even if they have had too much to drink.
I really have to agree with what Seraph is saying.

Here's the thing that I would be considering. First, she tried to lie about it. Then she told you the truth about the situation. But does SHE take ownership of what she has done, or does she blame it on the alcohol?

If she can take ownership of her mistake and vow to earn back your trust then there is a chance you can rebuild it. Like the others have said, you are the only one that can judge whether or not you can trust her again.

However, if she insists it is the alcohol that is to blame I would have a very hard time trusting her. You will second guess her every time she goes out for a drink with friends and it will snowball until you just can't trust anything that comes out of her mouth. Believe me on this, my exhusband never admitted to any of his infidelities even when I had the proof right in fron of him. I spent 3 out of 4 years with him not trusting a word that came out of his mouth.

You are the only one who can decide what is right for you. Just pay attention to what she is saying right now. It will tell you are lot about how she truly feels about you and the incident. Best of luck! I know this sucks.

 
Old 12-27-2007, 06:38 AM   #6
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Re: drunken infidelity...

Well, first of all, I wonder what you meant when you said "till I could take the lies no more, then she finally told me the truth." What did you do to "make' her finally tell you the truth?

And in the literal sense, no, cheating is not a capital offense. It was wrong, but she doesn't deserve to be beaten or killed. I'm sure that's not what you meant, but just to clarify.

Now, of course, I don't think anyone here can really tell you whether you should trust her again. and I agree, no need for you to be embarrassed. It's not your shame. Remember, this isn't something she did TO you, it's just part of who she is. You make the decision to live with it or not. IF she's willing to take responsibility and make amends and earn your trust again, then perhaps you guys have a shot. I gotta say, me personally, I don't think I could ever trust my man again if he did something similar. If we were married for several years, that would be a different story, but before marriage, during the courting/dating phase when you're still supposed to be all hot and heavy into each other and all that stuff, I would take it as his sending a message to me that he's just not that into me and just not the right one for me. But only you can decide if you want to forgive her and trust her again. Good luck.

 
Old 12-27-2007, 12:16 PM   #7
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Re: drunken infidelity...

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. You did nothing wrong in this situation. Your girlfriend should be embarrassed for not having better control over herself.

I used to be a big believer in "once a cheater, always a cheater." Part of me still believes that, but another part of me thinks that there are a few people out there that can make a horrible mistake and learn from it. I think the trick of this, or what makes that statement true.. is that once someone cheats on you, you forever think they'll do it again- therefore "once a cheater, always a cheater."

Trusting her again will be very, very hard.. and rightfully so. She doesn't really deserve your trust, but if you choose to give her a chance then she better do anything in her power to gain it back.

Being drunk does not excuse her actions. If she knows she has a tendency to get a little frisky when she drinks, then she needs to know when not to drink at all, or at least when to stop. And she should have called to say she wouldn't be home. Saying you're on your way, then not showing up till 10 the next morning is almost as disrespectful as cheating.

I can say this- if you choose to stay with her, and give her another shot you're not going to trust her. You're going to constantly wonder if she's telling you the truth, you'll interrogate her when she comes home, you'll put her on a short leash. And if she is behaving herself then she will eventually resent you for the restrictions you've put on her.

If you're up for that kind of stress, or if you feel she's worth it.. then good luck... but her actions really need to speak louder than her words. Meaning she can't just say that she loves you and that she's sorry.. she needs to really show it.

 
Old 12-27-2007, 12:28 PM   #8
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Re: drunken infidelity...

Being drunk isn't really an excuse. I go out with friends to bars for drinks, and no matter how drunk I got I wouldn't end up fooling around with some guy. Only you can decide if you forgive her. But one thing to think about, is if you forgive her, you really have to forgive her. Meaning, what will happen next time she goes out for drinks with freinds? will you worry it will happen again, or can you trust her? The thing about staying with someone when they cheat, is if you don't get past it, you are both someone living in a prison with you not trusting her and probably not wanting her to go out anymore. So really YOU will be suffering if you stay in this and can't even trust her, because not trusting someone and always wondering is a really stressful way to live. Once trust is broken it is REALLY hard to regain. That's why I know if my husabnd cheated, I wouldn't forgive because I don't want to have to live always wondering and feeling the need to check up on him.

 
Old 12-27-2007, 03:01 PM   #9
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Re: drunken infidelity...

This is my two cents on the bars and drinking thing:

IF SHE DIDN\'T PUT HERSELF IN THAT SITUATION TO BEGIN WITH, WHAT HAPPENED WOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED.


Famous last words:

WE WERE AT A BAR AND WE HAD A COUPLE DRINKS AND ONE THING LED TO ANOTHER....

If I had a dollar for every time I have heard that...

 
Old 12-27-2007, 03:38 PM   #10
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Re: drunken infidelity...

IF SHE DIDN\'T PUT HERSELF IN THAT SITUATION TO BEGIN WITH, WHAT HAPPENED WOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED.

Totally disagree. If someone wants to cheat, they will find a way, at work, on the internet, at the gym, wherever. I go to bars, I don't cheat. It's very easy to blame anything else rather than blame the person who cheated on you, easy to blame the bar, blame freinds, whoever, but she made a choice to do what she did. Another common thing is to blame the person they cheated with, rather than your partner. My husband goes to bars with freinds, I know he won't cheat, and if by some chance he did, I would leave him, and would blame HIM for choosing to do that. You can't live in a bubble....there are a million ways one can cheat...it's a choice...in fact I saw a study that says internet is the main source of cheating these days...it's every where, so it's important to trust your partner becuase you can't hide from temptation!

 
Old 12-27-2007, 04:31 PM   #11
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Re: drunken infidelity...

Quote:
Originally Posted by jennie250 View Post
If someone wants to cheat, they will find a way, at work, on the internet, at the gym, wherever.
I agree! It doesn't matter where the person is, if they want to cheat they will, plain and simple.

I have gotten very drunk without my husband and never cheated on him. I have gone to bars and dance clubs without my husband and never cheated on him. I have gone to lunch with coworkers (some of them very good looking and single I might add) and I never cheated on my husband.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jennie250 View Post
You can't live in a bubble....there are a million ways one can cheat...it's a choice...in fact I saw a study that says internet is the main source of cheating these days...it's every where, so it's important to trust your partner becuase you can't hide from temptation!
This is exactly why trust is so important and why once it's broken it is so hard to get back. You have to lay the blame with your partner, the one who betrayed your trust, and not the other party, the alcohol, or the circumstances.

Last edited by happymom28; 12-27-2007 at 04:33 PM.

 
Old 12-27-2007, 06:28 PM   #12
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Re: drunken infidelity...

Totally agree. I've done my fair share of drinking too much and acting like an idiot. But I've never ever cheated or done anything like what your girlfriend did (regardless of whether I was in a relationship or not). While you were sitting at home calling the hospitals and police, she was at a stanger's house giving a stranger head. That's just disgusting. It's also stupid and dangerous and shows a shocking lack of judgment on so many levels. She should be more than embarrassed. Drinking is not an excuse for her shocking behaviour. To answer your question about whether this is a capital offence - it's an offence alright, and drinking herself stupid is not a defence! Drinking herself stupid is just the first thing in a long list of all the things she did wrong that night and the next morning.

Last edited by amy2705; 12-27-2007 at 06:31 PM.

 
Old 12-27-2007, 10:11 PM   #13
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Re: drunken infidelity...

You were pretty explicit about what she did to this man. Did she use a barrier? From a health standpoint, that would be enough for me to kick her to the curb and not ever let her into my bed and body again. From a violation of your agreement, that's more reason if it were me to say goodbye. There is no excuse for cheating, ever. You take someone into your life, you have a responsibility to not hurt them, plain and simple. And what hurts more than cheating?! It's your decision, of course but I wouldn't tolerate it nor forgive. I am sorry if I am harsh but really, people who do this need to learn a lesson, they just can't spit on their relationships.

 
Old 12-28-2007, 01:20 AM   #14
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Re: drunken infidelity...

I wrote this in my first post on here:

<< I am just acknowledging that too much alcohol can really cloud your perception and you end up doing being led to do things, as if in a trance. But what if there were no drinking involved? Would there be any cheating? >>

I've been reading some of the later posts, and some new angles on the story keep popping up. The more you read, the more complex it becomes.

Original Poster, you didn't tell us her age, but I tend to think that she's young, inexperiencied and immature. Probably this was her first time with the "cheating" thing. Ok, this tells me about her character - or her weak/absent father (actually, you can be young, immature and inexperencied and yet never betray people in your life), but it also tells me about the inclinations of her age. As young people, all of us feel like experiencing/experimenting with new things, but many of us don't overstep the line and don't give in to the entreaties of our age, either because we hold stronger values or because we're simply afraid.

Probably the cheating plan was already on her mind, but it could be the case that she wasn't totally aware of it. But then the opportunity arose and she took advantage of it, not being able to resist the traps of her age (because her values aren't that strong) and doing it rather unconsciously (the alcohol was a very adequate addition, because she could put the blame on it and it served to mask her incipient guilt).

My feeling is that she isn't yet a lost ca(u)se and she can be forgiven exceptionally on the grounds of her age (she's like a child, isn't she?). We've been there and we know about the temptations. She may or may not develop stronger values and a sense of faithfulness and become someone you can trust, but I don't think she can do it now. She still needs to experience/experiment and since she probably didn't have a dependable education (parents), she can only learn to grow through trial and mistake.

What I want to say is that while I don't think she is a pervert, this incident was providential to show the considerable gap between both of you. It's hard on you, I know, because you were sure you were an excellent couple, but I'm afraid that was only on the surface.

If you don't want to take great risks, if you don't want to live on the edge most of the time, then I think it'd be better for you and for her to follow different roads.

 
Old 12-28-2007, 03:32 AM   #15
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Re: drunken infidelity...

I wasn\'t saying that bars and drinking are bad. I was just saying the facts.
If she was never there to begin with, then it wouldn\'t have happened. If there was never alcohol involved, it probably would not have happened. By all means blame the girl. I am not saying that he shouldn\'t do that...

I understand the fact that if she wanted to cheat she probably would have whichever way she could figure out how.

I just speak from a standpoint of being there so many times-in the same shoes he is in. To me, bars, alcohol and clubs full of pushy men spell trouble. It happened to the first girl I dated. We had been together for four years and one month. She decided to \"go out with friends\" one night. She was a virgin might I add. That all ended by the time morning came. Acording to her, she never \"meant\" to do it, it just kind of happened. It ruined our relationship, and pretty much ruined her \"first time is supposed to be special\" experience. At first I felt bad, but now I don\'t. I told her not to get involved with that or \"PUT HERSELF IN THAT SITUATION\", and she did it anyway and look what happened. Not to mention the fact that her friends obviously didn\'t try to stop her, even though they were perfectly capable. \"My friends will make sure nothing happens\". That\'s BS...

I\'m not saying bars and drinking are bad. I am just saying I have had bad experiences with them. Others may be able to go out and be fine in their relationships. That\'s okay. I just don\'t care for it. At all.

 
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