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Old 12-27-2007, 09:57 AM   #1
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GF giving me grief about porn.

I know this topic has been covered many times here before, but I thought I would make a new topic to address some issues that haven\'t been covered. I have been dating my GF for about 10 months now. We get along great, and we are really good for each other. We both came out of crappy relationships where the other person only cared about themself, so we click you might say.

Problem is, she has a very big Jealousy problem. I understand all sides of it completely, and I don\'t think she is wrong for being Jealous. It just really ticks me off and to tell the truth it is a big turn off. I have had some events in the past with her where the subject was brought up, and she acted weirdly. Now I can read her better and it isn\'t hard to tell that it pi$$es her off.

Some background on me. I have nothing against porn whatsoever (you might say-of course he\'s a guy, lol). I don\'t think it is wrong for guys to look at it. I don\'t think that it means you don\'t like your GF, or you aren\'t satisfied if you look at it. I just don\'t understand why women get so upset about this. I have been in several relationships in the past, and of all the girls, she is the only one who doesn\'t like it. I have actually had girls that would send it to me through email and things like that. Most of them have let their curiosity get the best of them and they like to see it too. Don\'t get me wrong. I think there are several different types of porn. When people just completely degrade themselves I think that is disgusting. But when you have a porn with 2 people acting naturally, or softcore images like you see in Pboy, that is ok to me.

I was looking at an email this morning and she walked in. I of course offered for her to see it too, and she didn\'t come out and say that makes me mad, she just got mad. She thought she had hidden it well until I pointed it out later. She all the sudden became upset that I had confronted her about it and imediately said that she wasn\'t arguing about and for me to just drop it.

Let me say one thing here:
HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO WORK THROUGH A PROBLEM OR AN ARGUMENT OR DISAGREEMENT IF YOU JUST DROP IT? Then it just comes up the next time it happens and its just one big circle. I do not understand that and she always says that when we begin to argue. seems like she is just running from the issue if you ask me. How do I deal with this???

This is her response to me bringing up the issue of her getting upset about it.

\"Well okay, since u told me how u feel about it I guess it\'s only fair to tell u how i feel about it. I think it\'s degrading to all women and not to mention disgusting. It\'s a BIG turn off to me when guys look at that kind of stuff. It\'s one thing to look at it alone...but to do it when I am around...i hate that. When u look at things like that it makes me feel like I am not enough for u or something and that\'s an awful feeling.\"

I don\'t know what to say. I tried to respond and she told me to DROP IT....

 
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Old 12-27-2007, 10:27 AM   #2
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Re: GF giving me grief about porn.

You'll definitely get a wide array of responses here, as it's both a heated and very personal topic (in how people vary in feelings I mean). From my POV, personally, I feel about it similarly to your gf, so I can tell you from her view... well, it comes down to - do you feel looking at this images is more important to you than respecting her comfort level w/ such things? I mean she's said she's okay for the most part if it goes on when she's not around to find out about it, but I can understand why she'd be upset wondering why you'd feel the need to check it out while she's there. (Granted, just opening an email doesn't really entail you going out and LOOKING for it... )

I don't want to be too harsh because I understand on your side of things I'm sure you feel it's harmless and doesn't really matter and I'm sure you adore your gf very much so it's hard for you to get why this should even be an issue. The only thing I'd have most offense to is if my bf was so interested in looking at nude photos of women after I've expressed how and why such a thing really bothers me when it happens that he continued to do so ... well, I'd be hurt and feel like porn comes over my own feelings. If this were a friend, or a favorite TV show, or a favorite meal or a FAMILY member I'd understand more compromise and discussion.. but we're talking about images. How important is it to you to continue looking at porn if it really upsets a woman you care deeply about? I mean is it worth the headache to get a few kicks at looking at a nude woman? And I ask out of curiosity, not accusingly

Oh and PS - I'm with you, on another side note, she really needs to not walk away and stop trying to run from arguments/communications or you guys will be in big trouble down the line. You've got to be able to really sit down and talk about things to stand a chance!! I'd be worried about that, too. Sometimes it takes time to get that in a relationship, but she has to be willing to work on that with you. At least she's told you exactly how this specific subject makes her feel, I guess that's a start?

Last edited by Destea; 12-27-2007 at 10:28 AM.

 
Old 12-27-2007, 10:29 AM   #3
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Re: GF giving me grief about porn.

I think most women's problem with porn is that they're insecure and they think that you're more attracted to the women in the movie than to her, or that the actress is your ideal woman. Even if we know it's silly, sometimes our insecurities over-power how rationality.

The "drop it" thing is bad. As you said, if it's dropped how does it get resolved? It doesn't.. and it stores itself in the back of the mind, festers there, grows maybe and comes out somewhere down the road during another/bigger argument. Sometimes people need some time to calm down before they talk about something that bothers them.. this saves them from exploding and making things even worse. Next time she says it tell her that you'll drop it for now, but that you want to discuss it later on.

As far as watching porn or anything related around her.. I think you need to meet her half way there. Watch it on your our and don't tell her about it. I don't mean lie about watching it.. I mean if she asks you what you did tonight don't say "Well Honey, I masturbated to some hot porn! What'd you do tonight?" Some girls have no problem with porn or using it to spice up things in the bedroom.. some girls aren't into that. Sounds like you're girlfriend isn't.. so don't expect her to be. Who knows, down the road maybe she'll be more open-minded.

Her jealousy issue is going to be something that only she can get over. Having gone through similar bad relationship experiences, I'm sure you can understand a lot of how she feels. So be patient with her. Some people overcome jealousy the longer they're in a relationship, the more secure they start to feel with that person. Other people may never get over it, but learn how to manage it; they'll start realizing when they're being irrationally and learn how to talk themselves down from flipping out or jumping to conclusions.

Your girlfriend can't expect you to totally give up something you like; some men will and some women expect or demand them to. But you can't expect her to suddenly be ok with it either. You need to communicate and compromise... otherwise the question of compatibility comes into play.

Good luck to you. I hope something in this long post was helpful!

 
Old 12-27-2007, 10:41 AM   #4
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Re: GF giving me grief about porn.

Honestly, you won't like my answer, but I don't think you two are meant for each other. i don't have a problem with porn , strip clubs, whatever, but whether you do or don't, the fact is, you both disagree so strongly about this, that odds are you will never agree and it will always be an issue. In relatoinships, there are certain things that are deal breakers to me if people have totally opposing view on, it doesn't really matter who is right or wrong, its' that you don't agree, this will get worse with time, and this is going to be a constant battle...i doubt either of you want to live with constant disagreements about this. Also, the jealousy thing, only gets worse.....

 
Old 12-27-2007, 10:55 AM   #5
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Re: GF giving me grief about porn.

I have to agree with jennie250 here. And I too am one of those women who doesn't mind porn.

Your girlfriend is against porn. You enjoy porn. You are not going to convince her to like or tolerate just as she isn't going to get you to stop looking at it. It is not a matter of "respecting your girlfriend" and not looking at it just as it is not an issue of her "respecting you" and dealing with it. This is just one of those things you are going to have to agree to disagree about.

So now you need to figure out what to do. Is your girlfriend's hatred of porn a deal breaker for you? Is your like of porn a deal breaker for her? With something this big I have a feeling it will always be an issue as long as you are together.

Oh, and for the record, the jealousy only gets worse. Bad past relationships is a lame excuse for jealousy. I was married to a man who cheated on me several times and was controlling and abusive. I dealt with that and didn't carry that into my current marriage. It's unfair for anyone to hold what someone else did in the past against their current partner. Anyway, just something to think about.

 
Old 12-27-2007, 11:05 AM   #6
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Re: GF giving me grief about porn.

Thank you all for replies.

I guess the reason I find this issue so hard to understand is because to me, looking at porn is just like driving down the road. I mean its not like I live for it by any means, I just can honestly say that I probably view at least one image a day if not more. That may be on my own terms, or it may be where someone sent me a funny email or an explicit email. In other words, I don\'t get up each day and say okay, I have to do this and this and this and this and look at porn. I don\'t do that at all. It has just become so commonplace in my life that it doesn\'t really mean anything to me, its just like anything else.

I understand that her opinion matters too, I just find it hard to undterstand becuase she dislikes the idea so much it\'s like blasphemy to her. Its almost like she is uneducated or doesn\'t know about it so she runs from it. I may be totally wrong here, and if I am I understand. I just don\'t get why it is so wrong to her. She was brought up the old fashioned way, and still to this day cooks, cleans the house and makes her parents bed every day. I am 23. I personally think its rediculous that she does so many chores around her house, but thats not my house. I mean I understand chores and doing things but come on-the girl is grown.

I have tried to work with her on the \"Drop it\" issue. it is getting better, but she still has a problem with it. She has a problem in general with talking to me about things face to face. She will act okay about it in person, but as soon as she can get the chance to get behind a computer and an email account she attacks me. In other words she hides behind a computer a lot.

 
Old 12-27-2007, 11:21 AM   #7
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Re: GF giving me grief about porn.

Quote:
Originally Posted by J S Machine View Post
I have tried to work with her on the \"Drop it\" issue. it is getting better, but she still has a problem with it. She has a problem in general with talking to me about things face to face. She will act okay about it in person, but as soon as she can get the chance to get behind a computer and an email account she attacks me. In other words she hides behind a computer a lot.
That's pretty sad because communication is soooooo important. Without it you have a mess like you are in, you know? Have you tried talking to her about why she has a hard time communicating? Is she use to having her opinion dismissed?

This issue is a hard one because there really is no "gray area" where porn is concerned. Most people view it as black and white. How is everything else in your relationship (if you don't mind me asking)? Do you have other things that you both have opposing views on?

 
Old 12-27-2007, 11:39 AM   #8
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Re: GF giving me grief about porn.

I don't know if this is ever going to be something you'll "understand." Some chicks just get hugely turned off my their men looking at porn. This has been a sore spot for many couples for centuries. The one thing going in the men's favor nowadays is like how you said looking at porn is as simple to you as driving, it's always there, it's always available. It's just not taboo anymore, like, for instance, the peep shows of the '20s and '30s that our grandfathers (or great-grandfathers?) had to sneak off to watch.

I tend to agree with Jennie250 -- I don't think you two are compatible, especially with how she won't discuss things with you and how desensitized you are and how often you look at porn. And I don't mean that harshly. I just don't know another way to say it. Looking at naked pictures of women is as common a part of your day as driving. You need to find a woman who either (a) doesn't care about that sort of thing or (b) enjoys porn herself -- ideally a woman with a combination of (a) and (b)

And I just want to comment on this:

Quote:
I think there are several different types of porn. When people just completely degrade themselves I think that is disgusting. But when you have a porn with 2 people acting naturally, or softcore images like you see in Pboy, that is ok to me.
See, as a female who loves porn, Pboy is NOT okay to me, nor are softcore images. Sorry, but it's just not a turn on for a straight chick to be looking at nothing but T&A. If my hubby turned on the Playboy channel instead of our nasty XXX (degrading? I don't know), we'd have a real problem, and the night would fizzle out very quickly for me.

Just something to think about from a chick who digs porn.

ETA: Just to expand upon the "understanding" of why she's just so totally opposed to porn, I don't mean you're too dim or anything to understand. I think it's just one of those things "we'll never understand." Like I don't understand extreme religious behaviors, such as allowing children to handle snakes while parents and adults "speak in tongues" and watch. Even after living for years in a Muslim country, I don't understand how women can be content with so few rights and so little dignity as some Muslim women. I don't understand the draw and appeal of grits.

Understand?!? LOL

Last edited by StenoLady1; 12-27-2007 at 11:46 AM.

 
Old 12-27-2007, 11:53 AM   #9
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Re: GF giving me grief about porn.

First, I just want to disagree with the "jealsouy only gets worse" comment(s). I'm just one person, but my own issues with jealsouy have improved. I don't know if its something that's improved as I've grown up or because of the right person.. I just know that I dont find myself as crazed as I used to be.

If you're dating a person that you can't trust for good reason then, yes in that case, jealousy will get worse.

Some people have strong beliefs b/c of how they were raised or whatever. Is she very religious? If so, then her disgust towards pornography is a bit more understandable. Some people like or dislike something "just because"; because they were told to, because of fear, because of ignorance.. whatever. The list goes on.

If it's not that big a deal to you, if it's "just like anything else" then maybe you can weed it out, stop looking on a daily basis, maybe you'll lose interest. If it's as mundane as driving down the road, then you shouldn't miss it right?

The porn issue is one that will either need to be met with a compromise or agree to disagree. If you choose to agree to disagree, then chances are this is something that will come between you more often then not.

 
Old 12-27-2007, 12:04 PM   #10
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Re: GF giving me grief about porn.

I think the larger issue is the fact that she won't even talk to you about it. To me, that is going to be the reason why you eventually break up, even though she would probably use the porn thing as an excuse.

If she isn't willing to discuss this like a mature adult, and agree to open communication with you on all issues, then she's not mature enough to be in a relationship. If this is how she handles this situation, how is she going to handle more serious issues that come up over the course of your relationship? What if you guys get married? Is she going to just refuse to talk about everything that bugs her until it gets to the point where she explodes?

This has disaster written all over it. I think it's time to reevaluate whether you want to be with someone who has such a lack of understanding about the importance of talking things over and sticking to open communication at all times. People say that the cornerstone of all relationships encompasses a great many things such as trust, love, loyalty, etc. But honestly, when you strip away all of the BS and at the end of the day, the single most important thing for a relationship to survive is open communication. If you don't have that, then you don't have a relationship, end of story.

 
Old 12-27-2007, 12:05 PM   #11
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Re: GF giving me grief about porn.

Quote:
It has just become so commonplace in my life that it doesn\'t really mean anything to me, its just like anything else.
And that right there is your problem.

Our bodies are beautiful things. Special things. Precious things. And here you are, just casually looking at all of these naked women, and it means nothing to you. Women are just objects. Things to be oogled, oohed and aahed over, and then just forgotten about.

Yeah, that's the problem.

And I'm not some bitter woman who has a boyfriend who looks at porn. For much of my life, I've WORKED in the sex industry. I used to never think there was a problem with porn. I've watched it myself since I was a teen. I have my own stash.

But there is no denying to myself anymore that between my job and the various kinds of porn I've viewed, that it has done something to my soul...scarred it. Women don't really want to be seen as just a bunch of orifices. We want to be loved. Adored. Cherished.

The way that sex, and women's sexuality have been exploited is really unfortunate. I'm not even arguing from your girlfriend's perspective, I'm arguing from the perspective of one of those sex objects. Every time I met a guy I really liked and I told him what I did, he instantly stopped respected me and told me he couldn't be comfortable, even though I naively never had a problem with what I did. I thought I was something special. But men don't respect women they see as just sex "objects." They don't. But they have no problem masturbating to them.

Honestly, would you want your girlfriend posing nude or making a porno? Would you want your girlfriend to be the girl in one of those lewd emails you receive, oogle, and then just delete? I am willing to be your answer is no. You don't have respect for women if you can view them like that, and that is the problem your girlfriend has. If you see other women as just nameless, faceless sex objects, then your girlfriend probably worries that is how you see her too.
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Old 12-27-2007, 12:12 PM   #12
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Re: GF giving me grief about porn.

If this isn't something you HAVE to do then why then do you insist that she like it too? If you are going to be with her then you are going to have to grow up a little and let it go. Relationships are give and take and this is one subject you will have to give up and stop trying to make sense out of it. There isn't any point in trying to figure it out. What you really want is someone to be on your side and what others are saying it isn't going to happen. She isn't uneducated, she isn't insecure she has put her foot down on the subject and just like someone that absolutely does not like something let it go...after all you said it didn't matter one way or the other for you...but i suspect you can't give it up.

 
Old 12-27-2007, 12:32 PM   #13
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Re: GF giving me grief about porn.

Oh, and for the record, the jealousy only gets worse. Bad past relationships is a lame excuse for jealousy. I was married to a man who cheated on me several times and was controlling and abusive. I dealt with that and didn't carry that into my current marriage.

I 100% agree with this. I have been cheated on before by a few boyfriends and my ex husband lied to me about other things, but I dealt with all that before I got together with my husband. He was also cheated on, but he doesn't take it out on me. We both trust each other and don't try to change the other,...if I go out with friends, he doesn't blink or worry, and I do the same. past relationships are no excuse for bad behaviour in present relationships. I also stick by my answer that it really doesn't sound you too should be together, you have no communciation together, you both have very different ideas about things, and you are also very young and have lots of time to settle down..wouldn't you rather be with someone who had the same ideas about life that you do? and the same would go for her as well

 
Old 12-27-2007, 01:04 PM   #14
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Re: GF giving me grief about porn.

I guess I don't see why differences over something like porn (when it's 'no big deal either way' to one person in the relationship) should be worth breaking up over. DH and I had some early disagreements over the porn topic, though, he was never really super interested so that may be why it was so easy for us to figure out what would be best for our relationship? I dunno, he has no problem not checking it out - granted he didn't look every day or even every month. I guess that could have something to do w/ it. Just wasn't worth breaking up over for us and he felt it wasn't important enough for him to do if it genuinely bugged me.

I guess maybe porn has more importance in other relationships, which could be why it's hard for me to get why it's such a big make or breaker for some people... but to each their own. I'm just glad I had a partner who was okay w/ my level of comfort and respected that, and I work hard to make sure I'm compromising for things important to him, too. There are probably tons of things I'll never understand about my hubby, but I wouldn't begrudge him his opinion if it was genuinely an issue to him, and I'd deeply consider somethings importance to me in my life before just throwing away what we have you know?

I'd definitely be more concerned about the lack of communication in general since that really is a key ingredient to a functioning relationship.

As for the jealousy stuff... I have to admit when I was younger and first starting this relationship I was definitely an insecure jealous girl, 5 years later I'm totally comfortable and really don't have any issues with it at all any more. Of course I didn't want to be like that - so I did recognize it as an issue, but I think what a poster said before can be true, some women really do just need to grow up (as I did) and learn what it is to be in a trustworthy, good relationship to lose some of their insecurity and baggage, it's hard to do without experiencing something worth trusting to begin with, I think...

I'm sure there are plenty more who can't get over jealousy issues, but I can vouch for myself, at least ^_^

 
Old 12-27-2007, 01:29 PM   #15
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Re: GF giving me grief about porn.

I have to agree with GypsyArcher. Also, I myself had a bad jealousy problem with my ex. While I was pregnant he would sneak out of bed and go upstairs to watch GGW. I think that there were a lot of things that came to play with my jealousy. I was pregnant, fat and insecure. Also, it offended me that he was most attracted to girls my age. I was 17 and he was 26 at that time. I felt as though I couldn’t bring my friends around because he would get flirty and stare and God knows what was going through his head. I expressed my feelings about this to him and in turn he just started sneaking around. That pi$$ed me off big time! So the baby was born and he refused to make love to me and continued to watch GGW.

When we first got together, we would watch things together. I enjoyed spicing things up a little but over time, I felt as though he chose porn over me and that made me feel horrible and discussing. I considered it cheating at the fact that he would leave me in bed after he refused me and get off on those stupid girls that have no respect for themselves. (Not the type to try to get attention using my body)

There could be a lot of things that are going through her head right now.
-She could actually enjoy it but be too embarrassed and insincere to watch with you.
-Something could have happened to her sexually during her childhood to make her think of this as a ‘bad, dirty thing’.
-Or you might not be showing her enough attention herself.

PS-I AM offended at how this society uses woman as sex symbols. BUT, women are accepting this behavior and are putting themselves out there and they wonder why “he just had sex with me and says that it’s not going to work out”. I know that now that I have a daughter, I am ashamed and embarrassed at how woman are explicated and the fact that us woman actually allow it and accept it. Also, teen girls do not full y understand and that is how GGW video are made and STD’s and Aids are spread. Just my thoughts.
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