Hello everyone. Firstly, I hope you all had a wonderful christmas and will have a very happy new year!
I wanted to update you all, especially those of you who have been following my posts.
My last thread was regarding the birthday message he sent me. It was short, very cold etc. I decided not to message him. But as the weeks went on by, I thought to myself, that I didn't want to ignore him and seem like I am being miserable, sulking etc so I sent him a message two weeks ago, saying "Nice of you to remember. Hope youre having a wonderful time." I wanted to send a short message to be civil, to show him I wasn't going to bring up the past etc.
I didnt get a reply to this message, and I was not expecting one. Like him, I asked no questions, it wasn't a follow on message.
I continued living my life, finished term at university, started fulltime work over the holidays etc.
However, now, I am expecting him to return from his two months away.
Is he going to make contact? What do I say to him? Do I ignore him?
I work fulltime, and have very little free time because of how busy I am, but I just can't seem to shake him out of my thoughts and I hate myself for it.
Right now, despite how hard I have tried, I seem to have very little control over myself and my thoughts.
I resent him for not messaging me (I don't include the birthday message). Before, I tried to understand- he is away on a trip of a life time, let him enjoy his time etc. But I knw he is messaging other friends and family (he is online often) and whilst I would understand that he didnt maintain contact because he didnt want to continue an emotional exchange/ arguments over the web, it hurts he didn't message me (apart from the birthday message). How he could just cut me out like it- a clean cut.
A week before he went away, for those of you who remember, he sent me that really long emotional email (you can find it on my other thread). We didnt meet up before he left because we got into a huge argument. I didn't call him to say goodbye because it all got too much. I don't know how we left things. It was very confusing but basically, if you remember, he agreed he wanted to give things another go, but he said he was hesistant because of all the hurt. Fair enough. I agreed- but we didnt meet up and didnt get anything going before he went away. I tried to understand that he was busy, but I didnt get the impression he wanted to see me. I told him this and he said he was extremly busy, packing, sorting visa, applying for new jobs for the new year etc and that maybe we should pick this up when he returned. This angered me but I thought maybe a break would do us good.
For so long, I kept telling him if he really couldnt do this and wanted to break up, he should just tell me and be done with it but he always answered back saying that i always put pressure on him, why couldnt i make the decision etc etc etc. Then we would agree to give things another go, but something would happen to make me upset, like he wouldnt call for three days. It was an awful merry go round and I was actually happy (more relieved) when he left.
Right now, Im lost. I just need people to talk to about this.
I know you cannot answer questions for me, but it will help to talk to you guys about this.
Im wondering if he will make contact when he returns in the next week or so.
Im wondering how it will make me feel.
I feel stupid right now and very angry- if he wanted to end things, why couldnt he have just said? Is this his way of telling me its all over? Hints? Its a pretty good one, isnt it? So why can't I take this as my closure?
Lets suppose he makes contact. Lets also suppose he wants to give things another go. Could I handle that? I don't think so. I feel so heartbroken and so hard done by.
I don't know where I am at the moment. Is it closure I need? Do I just need to hear from him? Where am I? Im very confused and I am finding it difficult to find out how I feel and think about the situation and what to do. Im at a total loss and it doesn't feel right nor secure.
Why can't I just let this go? Why is it so hard despite how much it hurts and how heartbroken and angry I was....and still am?
Last edited by apple_juice; 12-28-2007 at 01:49 PM.
Hi AJ I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and well and that you have a wonderful New Year full of new and exciting possibilities.
Now, to get to your questions.
I'm thinking he "cut contact" the way he did because perhaps he is finally ready to get off of the emotional roller coaster you two have been on. Maybe he saw this as his chance to do what he was never able to do before, let you go. His doing this IS a GOOD thing. The world hasn't ended. You have gone on with your life and done other things. Yes, you think about him, but haven't you been a lot more emotionally stable?
Who knows whether or not he is going to contact you. Like you said, we really can't answer that question for you. I have to be honest and tell you that if he does it would be a bad idea on your part to get sucked back in. This is YOUR chance to move forward and get past him. This is something you have needed to do for a VERY long time. This distance has been a very good thing. Now you need to act as if he isn't coming home. Be civil if you feel the need to be, but I think it is better to just ignore him as he has you.
I don't know why you can't let it go. Only you can answer that question. Do you think you can handle getting back on this roller coaster ride? Honestly, I think he finally realized he had to put a stop to this whole debacle. I know you are angry, but in time you will see it was the best thing for BOTH of you. Neither of you were in a good place anymore and your attachment to eachother was/is very unhealthy. I hope you are able to really think about it and see for yourself that this break and his lack of contact was what you and he needed.
Hi AJ I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and well and that you have a wonderful New Year full of new and exciting possibilities. oh yes it is going to be a hard year, being in my final year and all, but i am moving soon into a place of my own for the next 6 months and I am very excited about that!
Now, to get to your questions.
I'm thinking he "cut contact" the way he did because perhaps he is finally ready to get off of the emotional roller coaster you two have been on. Maybe he saw this as his chance to do what he was never able to do before, let you go. His doing this IS a GOOD thing. The world hasn't ended. You have gone on with your life and done other things. Yes, you think about him, but haven't you been a lot more emotionally stable? in a way, yes. the relief of not arguing, the emotional discussions etc. it was a blessing! and i havent missed him like mad. of course i miss him, but it has been a very good break for me.
Who knows whether or not he is going to contact you. Like you said, we really can't answer that question for you. but you dont think he will, right? I have to be honest and tell you that if he does it would be a bad idea on your part to get sucked back in. This is YOUR chance to move forward and get past him. i wonder, if he loved me enough (duh, yeah right, if he loved me enough he wuoldnt have cut me out like that), if he realised his mistakes, then MAYBE we could take it very, very slow? This is something you have needed to do for a VERY long time. This distance has been a very good thing. Now you need to act as if he isn't coming home. Be civil if you feel the need to be, but I think it is better to just ignore him as he has you.Am I right to hate him and resent him for not messaging me? Am I justified?
I think I am in limbo because I still love him. Its difficult to let go when you stil feel that way and when you don't really know what is happening. Truthfully, I don't. Or is it really obvious that I can't see?
I mean, if he was to message me, asking if we could be friends, then I'd have closure there. Or if come the end of the month, he hasnt contacted me, I know he has cut me out for good. Or if I find out he has been with other women, that would be it for me. I think I am lacking closure. I think that answers the question of why I haven't been able to let go. I have been able to continue with my life and push him away from my thoughts, but because it is now approaching the time of his return, I am thinking about him more
I don't know why you can't let it go. Only you can answer that question. Do you think you can handle getting back on this roller coaster ride? Honestly, I think he finally realized he had to put a stop to this whole debacle. I know you are angry, but in time you will see it was the best thing for BOTH of you. Neither of you were in a good place anymore and your attachment to eachother was/is very unhealthy. I hope you are able to really think about it and see for yourself that this break and his lack of contact was what you and he needed.Yes, it has been good. But is this it? Again, questions you cannot look into a crystal ball and ask.
I doubt it would ever work between us even if he came back, but do I want someone who could cut me out like that?
Basically, am I justified in being really angry and heartbroken?
Last edited by apple_juice; 12-28-2007 at 02:15 PM.
If he cared, if he missed me, if he wanted to see me after he gets back and sort something out between the two of us, surely he would have maintained some kind of contact?
Am I right to hate him and resent him for not messaging me? Am I justified?
They are your feelings and you are entitled to them. I think "hate" is a pretty strong word, especially here. I mean, how can you "hate" him if he is doing something that he feels is the best choice for him? I think you are hurt and you have every reason to be. I definately think you hold a lot of resentment towards him, but I don't think it is because of him not messaging you.
I agree that you are still in limbo because you still love him. Love just doesn't turn off. But you do have to learn to accept things as they are and move on. You are completely justified to be angry and heartbroken. I will never dispute that. But if you let him back in again knowing that he hasn't contacted you after all this time and knowing how badly he treated you before then you will have to turn that anger on yourself for allowing it to happen. Love just isn't enough in your case.
I wish he were staying away longer. I think another couple of months of him being gone and no contact would have really gotten you to the point you need to be.
I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and well and that you have a wonderful New Year full of new and exciting possibilities.
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