Hello everyone. Firstly, I hope you all had a wonderful christmas and will have a very happy new year!
I wanted to update you all, especially those of you who have been following my posts.
My last thread was regarding the birthday message he sent me. It was short, very cold etc. I decided not to message him. But as the weeks went on by, I thought to myself, that I didn't want to ignore him and seem like I am being miserable, sulking etc so I sent him a message two weeks ago, saying "Nice of you to remember. Hope youre having a wonderful time." I wanted to send a short message to be civil, to show him I wasn't going to bring up the past etc.
I didnt get a reply to this message, and I was not expecting one. Like him, I asked no questions, it wasn't a follow on message.
I continued living my life, finished term at university, started fulltime work over the holidays etc.
However, now, I am expecting him to return from his two months away.
Is he going to make contact? What do I say to him? Do I ignore him?
I work fulltime, and have very little free time because of how busy I am, but I just can't seem to shake him out of my thoughts and I hate myself for it.
Right now, despite how hard I have tried, I seem to have very little control over myself and my thoughts.
I resent him for not messaging me (I don't include the birthday message). Before, I tried to understand- he is away on a trip of a life time, let him enjoy his time etc. But I knw he is messaging other friends and family (he is online often) and whilst I would understand that he didnt maintain contact because he didnt want to continue an emotional exchange/ arguments over the web, it hurts he didn't message me (apart from the birthday message). How he could just cut me out like it- a clean cut.
A week before he went away, for those of you who remember, he sent me that really long emotional email (you can find it on my other thread). We didnt meet up before he left because we got into a huge argument. I didn't call him to say goodbye because it all got too much. I don't know how we left things. It was very confusing but basically, if you remember, he agreed he wanted to give things another go, but he said he was hesistant because of all the hurt. Fair enough. I agreed- but we didnt meet up and didnt get anything going before he went away. I tried to understand that he was busy, but I didnt get the impression he wanted to see me. I told him this and he said he was extremly busy, packing, sorting visa, applying for new jobs for the new year etc and that maybe we should pick this up when he returned. This angered me but I thought maybe a break would do us good.
For so long, I kept telling him if he really couldnt do this and wanted to break up, he should just tell me and be done with it but he always answered back saying that i always put pressure on him, why couldnt i make the decision etc etc etc. Then we would agree to give things another go, but something would happen to make me upset, like he wouldnt call for three days. It was an awful merry go round and I was actually happy (more relieved) when he left.
Right now, Im lost. I just need people to talk to about this.
I know you cannot answer questions for me, but it will help to talk to you guys about this.
Im wondering if he will make contact when he returns in the next week or so.
Im wondering how it will make me feel.
I feel stupid right now and very angry- if he wanted to end things, why couldnt he have just said? Is this his way of telling me its all over? Hints? Its a pretty good one, isnt it? So why can't I take this as my closure?
Lets suppose he makes contact. Lets also suppose he wants to give things another go. Could I handle that? I don't think so. I feel so heartbroken and so hard done by.
I don't know where I am at the moment. Is it closure I need? Do I just need to hear from him? Where am I? Im very confused and I am finding it difficult to find out how I feel and think about the situation and what to do. Im at a total loss and it doesn't feel right nor secure.
Why can't I just let this go? Why is it so hard despite how much it hurts and how heartbroken and angry I was....and still am?
Last edited by apple_juice; 12-28-2007 at 12:49 PM.
Hi AJ I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and well and that you have a wonderful New Year full of new and exciting possibilities.
Now, to get to your questions.
I'm thinking he "cut contact" the way he did because perhaps he is finally ready to get off of the emotional roller coaster you two have been on. Maybe he saw this as his chance to do what he was never able to do before, let you go. His doing this IS a GOOD thing. The world hasn't ended. You have gone on with your life and done other things. Yes, you think about him, but haven't you been a lot more emotionally stable?
Who knows whether or not he is going to contact you. Like you said, we really can't answer that question for you. I have to be honest and tell you that if he does it would be a bad idea on your part to get sucked back in. This is YOUR chance to move forward and get past him. This is something you have needed to do for a VERY long time. This distance has been a very good thing. Now you need to act as if he isn't coming home. Be civil if you feel the need to be, but I think it is better to just ignore him as he has you.
I don't know why you can't let it go. Only you can answer that question. Do you think you can handle getting back on this roller coaster ride? Honestly, I think he finally realized he had to put a stop to this whole debacle. I know you are angry, but in time you will see it was the best thing for BOTH of you. Neither of you were in a good place anymore and your attachment to eachother was/is very unhealthy. I hope you are able to really think about it and see for yourself that this break and his lack of contact was what you and he needed.
Hi AJ I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and well and that you have a wonderful New Year full of new and exciting possibilities. oh yes it is going to be a hard year, being in my final year and all, but i am moving soon into a place of my own for the next 6 months and I am very excited about that!
Now, to get to your questions.
I'm thinking he "cut contact" the way he did because perhaps he is finally ready to get off of the emotional roller coaster you two have been on. Maybe he saw this as his chance to do what he was never able to do before, let you go. His doing this IS a GOOD thing. The world hasn't ended. You have gone on with your life and done other things. Yes, you think about him, but haven't you been a lot more emotionally stable? in a way, yes. the relief of not arguing, the emotional discussions etc. it was a blessing! and i havent missed him like mad. of course i miss him, but it has been a very good break for me.
Who knows whether or not he is going to contact you. Like you said, we really can't answer that question for you. but you dont think he will, right? I have to be honest and tell you that if he does it would be a bad idea on your part to get sucked back in. This is YOUR chance to move forward and get past him. i wonder, if he loved me enough (duh, yeah right, if he loved me enough he wuoldnt have cut me out like that), if he realised his mistakes, then MAYBE we could take it very, very slow? This is something you have needed to do for a VERY long time. This distance has been a very good thing. Now you need to act as if he isn't coming home. Be civil if you feel the need to be, but I think it is better to just ignore him as he has you.Am I right to hate him and resent him for not messaging me? Am I justified?
I think I am in limbo because I still love him. Its difficult to let go when you stil feel that way and when you don't really know what is happening. Truthfully, I don't. Or is it really obvious that I can't see?
I mean, if he was to message me, asking if we could be friends, then I'd have closure there. Or if come the end of the month, he hasnt contacted me, I know he has cut me out for good. Or if I find out he has been with other women, that would be it for me. I think I am lacking closure. I think that answers the question of why I haven't been able to let go. I have been able to continue with my life and push him away from my thoughts, but because it is now approaching the time of his return, I am thinking about him more
I don't know why you can't let it go. Only you can answer that question. Do you think you can handle getting back on this roller coaster ride? Honestly, I think he finally realized he had to put a stop to this whole debacle. I know you are angry, but in time you will see it was the best thing for BOTH of you. Neither of you were in a good place anymore and your attachment to eachother was/is very unhealthy. I hope you are able to really think about it and see for yourself that this break and his lack of contact was what you and he needed.Yes, it has been good. But is this it? Again, questions you cannot look into a crystal ball and ask.
I doubt it would ever work between us even if he came back, but do I want someone who could cut me out like that?
Basically, am I justified in being really angry and heartbroken?
Last edited by apple_juice; 12-28-2007 at 01:15 PM.
If he cared, if he missed me, if he wanted to see me after he gets back and sort something out between the two of us, surely he would have maintained some kind of contact?
Am I right to hate him and resent him for not messaging me? Am I justified?
They are your feelings and you are entitled to them. I think "hate" is a pretty strong word, especially here. I mean, how can you "hate" him if he is doing something that he feels is the best choice for him? I think you are hurt and you have every reason to be. I definately think you hold a lot of resentment towards him, but I don't think it is because of him not messaging you.
I agree that you are still in limbo because you still love him. Love just doesn't turn off. But you do have to learn to accept things as they are and move on. You are completely justified to be angry and heartbroken. I will never dispute that. But if you let him back in again knowing that he hasn't contacted you after all this time and knowing how badly he treated you before then you will have to turn that anger on yourself for allowing it to happen. Love just isn't enough in your case.
I wish he were staying away longer. I think another couple of months of him being gone and no contact would have really gotten you to the point you need to be.
Oh dear, I can't believe you are still thinking so much about this guy. I don't really know what to say other than isn't his silence all the answer you really need? You say you feel hard done by, but this is nothing in the grand scheme of life...you are young, a relationship ended badly, it happens, that is no reason to feel hard done by. My ex husband hasn't seen his son in a year and hasn't paid a dime of supoprt, and I don't even feel hard done by. You say you think you need closure, but you have closure. His silence is the closure. What is there to say that hasn't already been said? Really think about that, you say you need more closure, but is there really anything left to say, you guys have been around and around with it all time and time again. I think this guy has been stringing you along for along time....not wanting you, but knowing he can get you back if he wants, giving you just enough to keep you thinking he might come back. Honsetly, I don't have any respect for this guy...but I hope he does the right thing this once and doesn't contact you and lets this be. I know that's not what you want, but really it would be for the best. Also remember, it's human nature to want what we can't have. Do you really want this guy, want to be treated how he treated you, or do you just want him to want you? Regardless, I really hope one day soon none of this will matter, because you just won't care if you here from him or not, it won't affect you one way or the other.
How he could just cut me out like it- a clean cut.
Because that's how most people break up. It's the only way to get over the person. I've been saying this to everyone who posts on here about a breakup, the zero contact rule is the best and easiest way to get over a person in the least amount of time. Why bother torturing yourself continually talking to that person after breaking up? It's nothing but torture and it's pointless.
If you were smart, you would not contact him again, and if he was smart, he wouldn't contact you either. I'm sure he has realized by now how much better his life is without you in it, because he has been having a great time without all of the emotional drama that you kept bringing into his life. That's why I don't think you should expect to hear from him when he returns.
Hey apple,
Hope you had great holidays too Nice to hear about your FT job.
I personally think that you have made a huge progress while he's away: if he has not supported you emotionally during those days of celebration and change in your life, and during the rough times of exams .. then he may as well not bother!
you have just proven to yourself that you actually don't need him, you have moved on and made positive changes....without him! Who needs him anyway? How should you react: by showing him that just that, you have outgrown him, and he needs to be spoonfed this fact.
There is no excuse Apple for his lack of contact...you should not be on the margin in his life. He should appreciate you fully if he is to dream of correcting things between you two!
I personally think that you have made a huge progress while he's away
you have just proven to yourself that you actually don't need him, you have moved on and made positive changes....without him! Who needs him anyway?
Nina is right. I think that it's really important, especially now since you know he's coming back, to reflect on all that you have done in his absence, and realize how much you have done without him in your life. I think that if you really, honestly, truly looked at where you're at, as compared to where you were when he first left, you would be pleasantly surprised at how much you have actually moved on and how badly you really don't need him in your life anymore.
It's time for you to be honest with yourself and realize that you never needed him, even when you were posting on here about how much you missed him. I also think that if you were totally brutally honest with yourself, you would see that deep down, you don't even really want to hear from him again, because you know it wouldn't make any difference. Whether you believe it or not, you are over him. You wouldn't have been able to accomplish half of what you have done over the last 2 months if you weren't. Do you see what I'm saying? It's different for you now. It's patently obvious to anyone who looks at your life now as compared to what it was before he left.
I'd just like to add that the only reason why I'm so hard on you is that I know you're better than all of this. I've seen you give other people really good advice on their situations. If you could only learn to apply it to your own situation, you would see how much better your life would be. And it also really bothers me when a bright and intelligent woman gets so emotionally tied up with a guy that she loses sight of herself in the process, and when the relationship ends, she spends all her time trying to get him back when in reality, the guy was so totally not worth all of that time wasted on pining and crying for him.
I just want you to see that you deserve better than this shmoe guy. You totally deserve to be treated better and to be with someone who isn't going to pull this kind of stuff with you. Don't you want a normal relationship that doesn't involve such a roller coaster all the time? I think you do want that, but you got so comfortable with this one guy that, even though it sucked for the last several years, you stayed with him out of complacency and in the process you didn't honor yourself or your needs at all. I hope that you have learned from this relationship that you do deserve better treatment from your significant other and that you should be more willing to walk away when you see you're not getting it than to keep trying to save something that ended a long time ago and that wasn't worth saving to begin with. That's what I'm trying to say, although I admit sometimes I've been really harsh on you. I just want you to see that value in yourself and realize finally once and for all that this guy is not worth it anymore, and that you've moved on enough now to the point where you will hopefully really believe that now.
"Right now, despite how hard I have tried, I seem to have very little control over myself and my thoughts."
If you truly feel like you have lost control over yourself and your thoughts, then perhaps you should talk to a professional about this situation. It has already gone on way too long and is bordering on obsessive. Breakups are hard, no doubt about it, but you are compromising yourself and showing evidence of some serious low self-esteem if you want someone back who has not treated you well, at least according to what you have written here. He is doing you a favor by not contacting you. Take that favor and start looking forward instead of clinging to the past.
Hi there AJ - just wanted to say howdy and that I am sorry you're still going through all this with your guy.
I know it hurts. I know there are far worse things that could happen, and there are far worse things going on in the world than this one guy not giving you what you want, but I also know that when you're in love with someone who doesn't love you back the way you want and need him to, it really does feel like the end of the world as you know it. I'm not going to say it's natural and normal to go into such a tailspin, but it's not unheard of, heck, I've certainly been there.
All I can say is what I wish I had seen and what I wish I had known before, when I was in sort of a similar situation. I wish I had been as strong as I am today. I wish I had loved myself enough to have just walked away from anyone who isn't treating me right no matter how much I loved them. I wish I had realized then that you can't make or force someone to love you in a way they just don't want to, and you can't demand something of someone that they just don't have inside them. No matter how hard done by you feel, and you have every right to feel how you feel, rehashing and rehashing will not make him do any better by you. There's really nothing you can do to make him want to do any better by you. The only two choices you really have is take the shoddy treatment he dishes out for as long as he's willing to spend any time on you, or say "I want and deserve better" and walk away. Not easy, I know, but really, that's all you've got. I chose the first one till the bitter end, and boy I gotta say how sorry I am that I did. It caused me to give up so much of myself that when he finally did walk away for good, I didn't have enough of myself left to survive it. 10 years later, it still cuts like a knife, and I've now come to the point where I'm accepting that it probably will for the rest of my life. But the good news is, i did learn my lesson. Even though some people who mean well but who don't know me very well and who perhaps have their own agenda rather than my own best interests at heart give me a really hard time for not giving this or that guy more of a chance, etc. I still hang tough because I am strong enough and secure enough now to know when someone isn't being a man of his word and when he isn't treating me with the proper amount of respect, and I don't waste time with them anymore, and I simply don't care if someone else thinks I'm being too picky or too judgmental. I'm much more comfortable and secure in my assessments and my decisions. I do hope someday you can get yourself to that point at least.
You say you feel hard done by, but this is nothing in the grand scheme of life...you are young, a relationship ended badly, it happens, that is no reason to feel hard done by.
Hello Jennie. Thanks for posting.
Im not just refering to the break up- it is all that happened before, probably most of it you don't know. If it were just the case of the breakup, then i'd be feeling a lot better. Its the lies, the last break up, the emotional abuse etc etc etc.
As another poster has mentioned, larry i think it is, there are far worse things going in the world but I do still hard done by. Again, it is me who got left behind etc etc.
I'm sure he has realized by now how much better his life is without you in it, because he has been having a great time without all of the emotional drama that you kept bringing into his life.
That I kept bringing into his life? LOL what a joke. Because he didnt bring any into my life? Because he didnt lie, he didnt lead me on etc. It was ALL me, wasnt it?
I think he is enjoying his life a lot more because he is travelling the world, more likely, experiencing the trip of a lifetime.
Last edited by apple_juice; 12-29-2007 at 12:36 PM.
There is no excuse Apple for his lack of contact...you should not be on the margin in his life. He should appreciate you fully if he is to dream of correcting things between you two!
Stay strong ...
Hi Nina Hope you're well.
That is what has consumed most of my thoughts about him. His lack of contact. And how I would react if he contacts me. Im so mad. I am dreading it, part of me hopes he will contact me, and a bigger part of me hopes he doesnt. I dont know how Ill react if he contacts me after all this time. It would be wrong.
This morning I woke up very angry- I thought about all the hurt he has caused me, and the injustice. He never corrected things he was meant to- that was the basis of why we got back together a second time. The fact that I continued, hoping he would change things. Its very, very very hurtful, cuts me very deep inside. He didnt even acknowledge any of this towards the end.
It angers me that he couldnt ever say to me that we were finished for good this time. I kept asking him to make a decision- he would never make it. Instead, he preferes to do it this way? I didnt ask for much. It angers me. It hurts me.
I also think that if you were totally brutally honest with yourself, you would see that deep down, you don't even really want to hear from him again, because you know it wouldn't make any difference.
Youre very right. Deep down, I hope he doesnt but a part of me still wants him to. Even if he does, it is very, very, very unlikely that itll make any difference whatsoever. He couldnt sort things out last time. And what has gone on since then is larger and pretty much beyond repair. How could that ever be fixed?
I'd just like to add that the only reason why I'm so hard on you is that I know you're better than all of this. Well, I do appreciate it, but those people who have been harsh on me should know it hasnt helped. Being supportive in polite ways is better for me, personally. Nevertheless, I appreciate you pointing this out. I do appreciate your posts.I've seen you give other people really good advice on their situations. If you could only learn to apply it to your own situation, you would see how much better your life would be. And it also really bothers me when a bright and intelligent woman gets so emotionally tied up with a guy that she loses sight of herself in the process, and when the relationship ends, she spends all her time trying to get him back when in reality, the guy was so totally not worth all of that time wasted on pining and crying for him.
I just want you to see that you deserve better than this shmoe guy. I do, don't I? I get very embarrassed thinking about what I put myself through for this guy, you know. Very embarrassed- people always use to comment that I was too good for him. Maybe now I can see it. Finally.You totally deserve to be treated better and to be with someone who isn't going to pull this kind of stuff with you. Don't you want a normal relationship that doesn't involve such a roller coaster all the time? I think you do want that, but you got so comfortable with this one guy that, even though it sucked for the last several years, you stayed with him out of complacency and in the process you didn't honor yourself or your needs at all. I hope that you have learned from this relationship that you do deserve better treatment from your significant other and that you should be more willing to walk away when you see you're not getting it than to keep trying to save something that ended a long time ago and that wasn't worth saving to begin with. Youve got an interesting point. Maybe it did end long, long before this. Perhaps even last year- but I still loved him and didnt want to let go. Ill be willing to let go sooner now. That's what I'm trying to say, although I admit sometimes I've been really harsh on you. I just want you to see that value in yourself and realize finally once and for all that this guy is not worth it anymore, and that you've moved on enough now to the point where you will hopefully really believe that now.Im nearly at that stage. But it is still tough at times, especially thinking about the hurtful things that have been said and done.
It angers me that he led me on like this, didnt message me, etc. I get so mad, I often am reduced to tears. I dont know how to deal with that. Of course, it will help me to move on futher from this but it is an awful feeling to have.
Despite all this, I still find myself thinking about if he will contact me etc. I just cant believe he will after this long without contact.
I wonder how I will feel, what I will say, if I will reply to him at all, whether I will send an angry email back to him or simply ignore him or what.
I guess, all I need to do, is to give this another few weeks, and when I dont receive an email from him, breath a sigh of relief and finally put this behind me. Otherwise, I just cant. I tried blocking him from that email account, but I really cant manage to do it. Trust me, Ive tried to so many times. I guess a little part of me still wants to leave the door open for communication just in case. But I need to get real.
Hi there AJ - just wanted to say howdy and that I am sorry you're still going through all this with your guy.
I know it hurts. I know there are far worse things that could happen, and there are far worse things going on in the world than this one guy not giving you what you want, but I also know that when you're in love with someone who doesn't love you back the way you want and need him to, it really does feel like the end of the world as you know it. I'm not going to say it's natural and normal to go into such a tailspin, but it's not unheard of, heck, I've certainly been there.
All I can say is what I wish I had seen and what I wish I had known before, when I was in sort of a similar situation. I wish I had been as strong as I am today. I wish I had loved myself enough to have just walked away from anyone who isn't treating me right no matter how much I loved them. I wish I had realized then that you can't make or force someone to love you in a way they just don't want to, and you can't demand something of someone that they just don't have inside them. No matter how hard done by you feel, and you have every right to feel how you feel, rehashing and rehashing will not make him do any better by you. There's really nothing you can do to make him want to do any better by you. The only two choices you really have is take the shoddy treatment he dishes out for as long as he's willing to spend any time on you, or say "I want and deserve better" and walk away. Not easy, I know, but really, that's all you've got. I chose the first one till the bitter end, and boy I gotta say how sorry I am that I did. It caused me to give up so much of myself that when he finally did walk away for good, I didn't have enough of myself left to survive it. 10 years later, it still cuts like a knife, and I've now come to the point where I'm accepting that it probably will for the rest of my life. But the good news is, i did learn my lesson. Even though some people who mean well but who don't know me very well and who perhaps have their own agenda rather than my own best interests at heart give me a really hard time for not giving this or that guy more of a chance, etc. I still hang tough because I am strong enough and secure enough now to know when someone isn't being a man of his word and when he isn't treating me with the proper amount of respect, and I don't waste time with them anymore, and I simply don't care if someone else thinks I'm being too picky or too judgmental. I'm much more comfortable and secure in my assessments and my decisions. I do hope someday you can get yourself to that point at least.
Hi Larry! Good to hear from you. Hope you are doing fine, still continuing with the dating agency?
Going through everybodys posts and replying has made me realise. Maybe I am moving on. Maybe I do need to give myself more credit. I can now see that I was not to blame, and that he did become abusive towards the end, and that I tried my best. What else could I have done? I can see I deserve better. I can see how awful the relationship had become. It was horrid.
This has sprung back into my life because he is returning soon and I started wondering about him coming back and contacting me etc etc.
Maybe all I need to do, is give it anther few weeks, move out, start university etc and to deal with him contacting me or not.
I am just a little nervous- I dont know what to expect and how to deal with what is going to happen- mesasge or not message- and as much as I would have liked to have blocked from from that final point of contact, I will admit I am curious after all this time. Would he contact me after so long? As kszan said, if he were smart, he wouldnt. He did more than break my heart.
If you truly feel like you have lost control over yourself and your thoughts, then perhaps you should talk to a professional about this situation. It has already gone on way too long and is bordering on obsessive.
Hi bullet. I just needed to clear one thing up.
It isnt truely consuming my entire self and thoughts. I am busy working, university, my newspaper work etc am moving soon. Most of my time is spent not thinking about him. But when I do, it is upsetting. So I do apologise, that whilst I did say it was taking over me, that was an exaggeration. It just upsets me. I am heartbroken, and yes, we havent spoken for two months, but people take months, and sometmies even years to get over a first love, it varies from person to person, and whilst one person will get over a breakup fairly sooner than another, doesnt mean that there is anything wrong with that person. People are different, as you know. Thanks for posting.
Going through everybodys posts and replying has made me realise. Maybe I am moving on. Maybe I do need to give myself more credit. I can now see that I was not to blame, and that he did become abusive towards the end, and that I tried my best. What else could I have done? I can see I deserve better. I can see how awful the relationship had become. It was horrid.
Please do give yourself some credit here. The old AJ would have been ringing up his phone insisting that he talk to her. You haven't done that. You have gone on living your life. Yes, he is still in your thoughts and you are still hurt, but that's okay. What wouldn't be okay is to allow him back in if he does contact you when he gets back. I think it would set you right back to where you were in the beginning of this mess.
I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and well and that you have a wonderful New Year full of new and exciting possibilities.
