ok so I met a new guy about a little over two weeks ago. He seems like a genuinely nice person, funny, ect. We have hung out alot lately. Most of his free time is spent doing homework (he is getting his PhD)which I dont mind. Well we both added each other to our my spaces and a few days later I was just messing around on his page and read a comment saying 'I cant wait to see you again sexy! only one week left!". I text him and he said that she was a friend and that they were both single though and if I didnt mind. Now I know we both never really officially discussed where 'we' were heading. As in what out long term intentions are (ex: looking for serious relationships, casual dating, ect). I guessed we would just 'let it see where it took us'.
So another instance popped up when I posted a comment on his my space and then not long after that, someone posted 'hey I thought you and my sis had a thing going on? who is (my name)? I also noticed that this same person tried to add me as their friend (i have a private page). I also saw this commenters page and this guys 'lady friend' had posted to her sis something along the lines of 'hey I need some sisterly advice! should I confront him or just ignore it".
So after reading all this 'drama' I called him and asked him about it...(I dont like 'pretending nothing is going on')...
He told me that they are friends and that she must think it is more serious than he does. I asked why he would say that and he said that because they never really declared they were BF/GF (both their my spacess say they are single). He said that he don’t know how long distance doesnt really work out and that she doesnt really have much to say (ie boring convos, ect) but that she is a really nice girl. I asked well does she know how you feel and he just said..well I guess I need to tell her when she comes down (she is flying from IL to AZ fron Thursday until Tuesday)
I said so she is making a trip all the way down here just to see you? and he said yes. I said well it seems like you 2 need to talk if you feel that way, before she comes down. He told me that well I dont want her to waste her money because its too late for her to get it back and that she has been looking forward for it for a while. I just said well where she comes down or not wouldnt it be 'better' if you told her how you feel BEFORE she comes down? he said I dont want there to be any drama..I said well I know I hate drama too, but if 2 people are on different pages, wouldn’t it be wise to let the other one know? then he said something about telling her on her last day out..
Anyways she flys in on Thursday and I said so I take it you wont be answering your phone call all this week and next and he said..well not when I m around her.
So what do you guys think I should do? I really really like him. I feel that we might have met at the wrong time though! Do you think he is BSing me? He told me in person yesterday that its not working with them and that they aren’t even a couple and that he doesn’t know why she is acting the way she is…I told him it doesn’t bug me (being as we only started hanging out 2 weeks ago and he introduces me to everyone as a friend) He has even met some of my family (they think we are dating!..lol)
I don’t want to look like a lovesick puppy to him and seem jealous or even guilty (we have done everything except for you-know-what..lol) I don’t want to seem like some psycho insecure crazy beyotch GF because I am so not like that (im a major hippie). It just seems to bug me knowing that he will be hanging out with this person..a person he says is just a friend. Oh I forgot to metion he commented to me over the phone how I left bruises on his neck and that (other girls name) will be asking about that..(I just laughed it off and told him to put makeup on).
I dunno I guess I feel like this:
1) In one way he may be telling the truth (how its not working between them)
2) Mabey he is lying and that they are really something more serious than what he is saying and I am some kind of holdover between them visiting each other?
If #1 is the case… what… He wants to wait until after he ‘scores’ with her or something to give her ‘the news’??
Why not let her know before coming down? So what if her money is being wasted?
If they are just friends and both single, then why would she care if he had hickeys on his neck??
Also, he has asked me when the whole my space incident with that ladys sis and them happened, he read me her email and she said she didn’t know if she should come down and what not. He asked ME what I would do?!! I told him like I mentioned earlier that is they are not on the same mindframe then it needed to be discussed.
This made me wonder that he might be actually telling the truth..it just seems like he might not have the balls to tell her perhaps??..
So any advice on the whole situation would be welcome!
Last edited by italianbeauty; 01-02-2008 at 09:09 AM.
I'd cut him loose.....he's playing the field.....
she's not just a friend and he had no intentions of "setting her straight"
the only problem he has (in his mind), is that you found out......
I know you wrote all this because you want him not to be what he is...just an unattached guy playing the field(nothing wrong in that). If you are looking for a serious relationship this is not the guy for you. He is just being normal and not getting into serious relationships. Maybe a roll in the hay now and then with any gal he can. Just by the fact you confronted him about what was on HIS computer tells him you are desperate and he will take advantage of that when this gal goes back home. Stop looking at his computer stuff and just treat this as lessons learned and move on or just hang out with him and take advantage of one night stands with no strings. He has a long way to go before he is ready for anything remotely close to a committed relationship. Sorry.
Well, this is kind of a sticky wicket, but no, actually I don't think he's BSing you, I just don't think you're listening to what he's really saying. I think men and women have different ways of ommunicating and things have idfferent meanings for both. when you say "we'll take it slow and see what happens" you mean I'll date you, you'll date me, we'll focus on each other and see what grows. He means, I'll see you when it amuses me, and I'm free to see, sleep with and hang around other women because we're not officially boyfriend/girlfriend, we're just "taking it slow and seeing what happens."
this guy sounds like a major player to me. He's leading you and two other women on, and thinks he's not doing anything unethical because he hasn't declared "you're my girl and I'm not seeing anyone else." My guess is he's telling you "Oh, we're just friends" because that's exactly what he tells them about you. He's seeing you the same way he's seeing them. I think sometimes women tell themselves "well, I know he's got other women in his life, but I know I'm more important to him than they are, and it won't be long before I'm the only woman in his life. He means what he says to me, he doesn't mean it when he says it to them. What women have a hard time realizing is that if she really were that much more special than those other women, he'd get RID of those other women BEFORE he moved forward with you because he wouldn't ask a woman of quality to compete. A woman of quality doesn't compete, because she doesn't have to. Also, beware of men who say "Oh, she's taking it too seriously, I don't know why, she's a little psycho but a nice girl and I dont' want to hurt her." That's got player written all over it. That's what a guy says about other women when he's playing them and trying to cover his butt.
I'd suggest seeing this guy as long as he amuses you, but don't intend on developing any real feelings for him, and don't hold out any long term hopes for him. If he really saw you as possible long term material, he would have kicked these other girls to the curb. A man doesn't ask a woman he thinks is a woman of real quality if she's ok with him being incommunicado while he entertains another woman, because he already knows that's a crappy thing to ask of a woman. But he asked it of you because he's not afraid of you saying "forget you, see ya," he's not afraid to lose you. If he saw you as real long term material, he would be.
Oh, and p.s. just to clarify, I certainly did not mean to imply that YOU were not a woman of quality, I'm sure you are. But the only person who really gets to decide whether you're a woman of quality is you. If he can't see what you're worth, that's his loss. There's no law that says you HAVE to settle for the scraps he's willing to give you when it seems pretty clear that's all you'll get from him. If that's all you want for now until you get bored and move on, then fine, hey you're only young once, but if you want more, dump him and go get more from a man of better quality.
Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 01-02-2008 at 09:50 AM.
You've only known him 2 weeks! It's too early to be expecting a commitment. These plans with the other girl traveling were probably made before he met you.
Keep your options open. If he really likes you, he will realize there is no chemistry left with the other girl(s).
He told me in person yesterday that its not working with them and that they aren’t even a couple and that he doesn’t know why she is acting the way she is
He may be saying that TO YOU, but what do you honestly think he is telling this other girl? She is acting the way she is because that is exactly how she thinks it is. They're long distance. He thinks he can get away with having his cake and eating too.
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Originally Posted by italianbeauty
It just seems to bug me knowing that he will be hanging out with this person..a person he says is just a friend. Oh I forgot to metion he commented to me over the phone how I left bruises on his neck and that (other girls name) will be asking about that..(I just laughed it off and told him to put makeup on).
Seems to me that a "friend" wouldn't be concerned with this sort of thing. Doesn't that make you wonder?
Look, he is lying either to you (most likely) or her. Either way, he is a liar. Knowing this only a couple weeks into knowing him why would you even want to pursue things any further? That just doesn't make any sense to me. There are red flags all over here. To ignore them would be very foolish on your part.
Lets say that he does get some action from her and then tells her where he stands? That is a completely a****** thing to do! How much respect can you have for a guy that would treat another woman in such a way? Wouldn't you always be wondering what he is up to?
So what do you guys think I should do? I really really like him. I feel that we might have met at the wrong time though! Do you think he is BSing me?
I think you should cut him loose. He's BSing both of you. She's acting the way she is b/c he is leading her on. He doesn't want to ruin her trip by telling her how he feels... BS. I mean, I can see where he's trying to a "nice guy" but by doing that he's leading her on, and stringing you along.
Maybe he's intentionally leading girls on, and maybe he isn't... either way he needs to learn how to communicate. I think he's playing the feild.. not wanting anything serious with anyone. If you're ok with dating - both of you being able to date other people - then you can see where things lead with him.. if not, then I'd tell him that you don't have time for a boy who can't respect a woman enough to be honest with her.
I agree with everyone else, these are not just red flags but neon red flags. So he just straight up told you that he is not going to answer his phone, not going to talk to you while this other woman is around? Ha.
I realize two weeks is not a very long time...but you've already been intimate, things have already moved to another level. It is so true what was said above - if this guy REALLY liked you, he would not want to risk alienating you. He would tell this lady "friend" of his that he'd met someone special and he'd set her straight. But he's not doing that. He's letting this woman, who obviously likes him, come to visit, and then just telling you "Hey, you're just going to have to fade into the woodwork while she's here." HA! HA! Yeah, right. I think that if you have any respect for yourself you will tell this guy to take a hike and certainly not be waiting around until after his "friend" goes back home.
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The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~
You've only known him 2 weeks! It's too early to be expecting a commitment. These plans with the other girl traveling were probably made before he met you.
I couldnt agree with this more. It's ridiculous to expect a man to know whether or not he wants a long term commitment from a woman he met a fortnight back!
I have to say Italianbeauty, you're setting yourself up for a fall investing this much energy in a man you met two weeks ago. To tell you the truth, if a man I'd been involved with so short a space of time started checking my computer pages and querying what comments belonged to who etc, I'd be thinking he was a little loony and showing signs of domination and control that didn't bode well for the future! In fact, I'd most likely make it my business he had no part in my future...
Not meaning to be rude here OP, am just honestly telling you it is FAR too early to be expecting this man to have decided any such thing. Having said that, it is NEVER too early to be treated respectfully and truthfully and I don't think you have been told the truth here. I think he is most likely intending to enjoy this girls vacation with her; but then, at this stage, that's his own business, and the only thing that's wrong with that is that he hasn't had the balls to be honest with you about it.
Yes, I agree with Laylah. While of course it's only been two weeks, I do also think it was just bad form for him to downplay his relationship with this other girl and tell you that he won't be picking up his phone for you while he's with her, but for you to stay on the back burner for when she's gone and he's got a "slot open." That's tacky. It makes me feel more bad for her than for you, though, italianbeauty. I think your eyes are more open than hers are, and you can take advantage of that by simply saying "looks like you've got your hands full and I'm not into being juggled. When you're ready for one on one, give me a call" if that's where your head is at, and it sounds like it is. I don't blame you. I wouldn't want to be juggled either. Other women don't mind as long as they know the score, for the fun, and that's fine, it's just not my bag. I also think it's ok to want to know whether a guy has a girlfriend, or what his 'status' or situation is before you start getting into kissing him or anything like that. I mean, I would want to know if I should expect some wild eyed chick come busting down the door wanting to kick my butt because I'm having dinner with "her" man, even if it's a first or second date. Nothing wrong with wanting to know just what you're getting yourself into.
Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 01-03-2008 at 12:47 PM.
Yes, I agree with Laylah. While of course it's only been two weeks, I do also think it was just bad form for him todownplayhis relationship with this other girl and tell you that he won't be picking up his phone for you while he's with her, but for you to stay on the back burner for when she's gone and he's got a "slot open." That's tacky. It makes me feel more bad for her than for you, though, italianbeauty. I think your eyes are more open than hers are, and you can take advantage of that by simply saying "looks like you've got your hands full and I'm not into being juggled. When you're ready for one on one, give me a call" if that's where your head is at, and it sounds like it is. I don't blame you. I wouldn't want to be juggled either. Other women don't mind as long as they know the score, for the fun, and that's fine, it's just not my bag.
I have to agree with LLM. Of course you can't expect a guy to commit only to you in two weeks time, but it is also foolish to enter into any sort of nonplatonic relationship with a man who is so obviously seeing someone else. The bottom line is he is not only being disrespectful to you but he is also being completely disrespectful of this other girl. He's getting a huge ego boost out of this because essentially the two of you are fighting over him (in a sense). How is he worth it?
I have to agree with LLM. Of course you can't expect a guy to commit only to you in two weeks time, but it is also foolish to enter into any sort of nonplatonic relationship with a man who is so obviously seeing someone else.
Hmmm, yes I get where you're coming from Happymom, but the problem was the OP wasn't initially aware that there was another woman already on the scene as he'd said nothing about this girl before they were first intimate and I mean, why would he? He'd only just met the OP and wasn't obliged to discuss his private life with a veritable stranger. I would usually have different views on this type of subject, but I mean, two weeks???
Something we women need to realise is that a man sleeping with a woman is not and never will be viewed by them in the same light as a woman sleeping with a man is viewed by a female. A man can have casual sex with a woman and afterward simply regard her as some sort of 'friend'; it is highly unusual for a woman to have the same feelings towards a man she has been sexually intimate with.
As far as disrespect goes, I think the person who is most seriously being disrespected in all this is the person this man has an actual history with, and that would be the woman who is traveling a very large distance to visit him.
It's a pity it only has been two weeks Italianbeauty; if it had been two or three months I'd be advising you to contact her yourself and find out the story from the horses mouth. If you were to do that though, at this point, you'd only make yourself look like a nut-job. (It's a pity about that though; I wouldn't mind hearing about this man having the rug pulled out from under him)
You're right Laylah. Some men can just have casual sex and most women can't. I guess the point I was trying to make OP (without seeming too preachy of course) is this is the danger you run into when you start getting intimate with a man you hardly know. You start to get emotionally attached to someone that you don't know all that much about. You can assume he is single, but that isn't always the case. You now have this knowledge that he has another woman and that he has no intention of ending it (otherwise he would have and not fed you the line he did), so why continue on?
But I do also agree that the one who is being most disrespected is the unknowing girl. However, the OP is still being disrespected because he is feeding her all this bs that he actually expects her to believe. No, he doesn't owe her anything after two weeks. But a real man would say "look, this is a casual thing for me" or "I'm not looking for a relationship right now" or something. He wouldn't just string her along and act like he is going to dump the unsuspecting girl.
..this is the danger you run into when you start getting intimate with a man you hardly know. You start to get emotionally attached to someone that you don't know all that much about.
Yes, and a lot of men will be only too happy with the arrangement - keeping the woman in the dark as long as it suits them. It's a pity women need to be on their guard against such attitudes, but there it is. Like I said earlier, its never too early to be treated respectfully and truthfully, but to just expect and assume that is the way we are being treated - well hello! There aren't many women out there who haven't learned that lesson. I think Italianbeauty has it sussed too otherwise she wouldn't have been checking his computer pages to begin with.
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Originally Posted by happymom28
But I do also agree that the one who is being most disrespected is the unknowing girl. However, the OP is still being disrespected because he is feeding her all this bs that he actually expects her to believe.
Yes, that's definitely disrespectful; but the difference is the OP (unlike this other woman) actually gets to choose whether to accept being treated this way or not; she gets to accept or reject his audacity. That's what'd really kill me if I was in that other womans shoes; that I got no choice in the matter.
Have there been any developments Italianbeauty? What do you intend to do from here?
thanks everyone for your input! it is very insightful to see so may opinions about this!
I did forget a semi-important tibit on the fact in which this guy even brought up when I spoke with him two days ago when I brought up the subject of him 'seeing' her and how I feel not obligated to 'compete' for him.
This fact is that 'technically' I am still married...but before everyone gets things tied in a knot I need to bring up a little history..lol
I randomly left my ex in July..drove my car from CA to AZ and never looked back.
I was with this cheating, lying, abusive (physically and mentally) 'man' for 6 yrs and one day I just cracked and left...
I am just now getting the 500 plus bucks to pay for the divorce this weekend(I have money problems to begin with so it took a long time and has been hard to save).
Of course I let this new guy know all this before anything ever happened and he never mentioned anything about it—he seemed fine with it…
Well when I brought up my feelings about this situation (in more detail to him) 2 days ago, he was like 'well I feel uncomfortable too' I asked him about what? he said well arent you technically still married?.. I said yes but I am getting a divorce this weekend and I have no intentions of EVER seeing him again!..that was about as far as that convo went...
So I am guessing he is playing the card that he cant 'commit' to a married woman (without directly saying it of couse..’typical man lingo’). I hate when people just dont come out and say what they really want to...
He had the nerve to call me while waiting for her at the airport last night! I tried not to talk as much to him because it was just weird. He said he would call me later that night, but of course never did. He normally calls me in the morning, but I have yet to hear from him(no surprise there). I totally expected this from him and I am not planning on contacting him whatsoever...
I guess what this all boils down to is that because we both never brought up what we wanted & what we were gaining from being together (other than hanging out) there was never a real reason to act the way we both are.
He has his 'issues' I guess and me, mine...
He did say he still wants to hang out and stuff but I am having second thoughts..it just totally sucks, because I feel so comfortable around this dude and we have so much in common to the point it is sickening…
Too bad I didn’t meet him like a few months back (that’s how long he has been ‘seeing’ this ‘friend’ of his)…
Man this really sucks! Not only am I having issues in this department it is like everything else in my life is falling apart as well!!!!!!!!!
I lost my car back to the bank after having it 3 ½ weeks now. I did have my exes car but the moment he found out I had this ‘new’ car he came in the middle of the night and stole his car back.
Beacause I no longer have a vehicle to drive 15 miles from my roomates home to work, I had to move out & back in with my mother (who lives close to my work) , who is also letting my bro and his GF stay in the spare bedroom which resorts to me sleeping on the couch. I have no where to put my things at either! (2 bedroom 2 bath apartment with 4 grown adults and 4 cats..makes for very cramped quarters!)
I had to quit 2 of my 3 jobs and am now resorting to taking the bus at 430 in the morning through the worst parts of town!
So 2008 is not looking pretty bright for me….for a second I thought this guy was the only thing I had going good for me..but that wasn’t the case either =(
I need some better karma I guess
Im seriously doing my best not to crack..but I feel like Im on the edge right about now… =(
Last edited by italianbeauty; 01-04-2008 at 08:34 AM.
So 2008 is not looking pretty bright for me….for a second I thought this guy was the only thing I had going good for me..but that wasn’t the case either =(
I need some better karma I guess
(
I learned long ago not to pin all my hopes on a guy.....
you have too much of a mess going on right now to even be thinking about getting in a relationship......let this one go and work on yourself.
But I do also agree that the one who is being most disrespected is the unknowing girl.
yeah that is a good point, although I think this other lady knows something about me (as in that this guy is interested in me)..so I dont know everything of course, but I do know she knows that Im in the picture...
Quote:
Originally Posted by happymom28
No, he doesn't owe her anything after two weeks. But a real man would say "look, this is a casual thing for me" or "I'm not looking for a relationship right now" or something. He wouldn't just string her along and act like he is going to dump the unsuspecting girl.
yeah it is odd that he told me in the beginning how he is all about communicating , ect but is beating around the bush on everything...
Last edited by italianbeauty; 01-04-2008 at 08:27 AM.
I have been following your story and have yet to post. Just wanted to add my two cents. Us woman are never going to be able to figure out men. They are raised differently than women are almost always incapable of having feelings and/or showing affection in the beginning. Both female and male have had bad relationship experiences that have left us with our posted fences and trust issues but we also gain knowledge as we move forth with our lives. I only wish that you could have put up your fence with this guy. You haven’t known him for that long and have already started a physical relationship? What ever happened to friends and getting to know each other first?
I’m sorry. I’m not trying to say that I am perfect or that I have never made mistake in my love life it’s just good to establish a friendship so you can make a logical decision about what you wish to do after wards. Also, you did just get out of a bad relationship unharmed and you are on the re bound. Give yourself time to heal and better your living situation. I myself would love to find my ‘other half’ if even that really exists, but as of right now, dating is where I stay until I can better my situation. Again, just trying to give you my honest option.
Please keep us informed of how things are going.
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Time does not heal. It simply provides distraction.
I'm sorry things are so rough for you right now, but you are really putting up a good fight and you sound like you very tough and intelligent. Just keep on pushing forward and hopefully things will get better for you soon
You need to demand only the best and most respectful of treatment from people. This guy told you he would call you back later and then he never called - that to me is a huge sign of disinterest or ambiguity. He's obviously jerking this other woman around - don't let him do that t you, too.
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The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~
I need a different point of view!! 
