It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 01-04-2008, 10:18 PM   #1
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 183
BeesWife HB User
I need advice....I have an anti-social husband

Hello.
My DH and I have been married 4 years, no children yet, both 30 years old. In college, we had lots of friends and went out all the time socially to bars and stuff. After school, we moved to my hometown. My friends and family are here. His friends and family live about 1000 miles away!
I still like to go out with friends and have dinner or even just hang out at someone's house. I would LOVE to go to these places with my husband. 90% of the time i end up having to go alone. He always has some excuse about staying home. He'll say "Oh, I was just planning on staying home and not doing anything that night" or "you can go, you'll have more fun anyways, cuz they're your friends".
If a friend calls on a thursday to go out on saturday night, he throws a fit and says "No way, that's too last-minute notice and i was just looking forward to not doing anything this weekend". Even when I give him advance warning(like a week ahead) that there's a party coming up, he has a fit/tantrum and pouts or gets mad at me about it for "making" him go.
Which brings up another problem....when he DOES go with me, he is still anti-social and won't engage in converstaions, constantly looks at his watch, etc. Like it's painful for him to be there.
I am so embarrassed to go to parties alone AND I ALWAYS have to come up with some excuse for him not being there. He does this for family functions too.
I tried to compromise and i told him we only had to do one "social" thing each month and even that was too much for him. As you can see, he is very selfish and if he doesn't want to do something, he WILL NOT do it, no matter how it makes me feel.
We have fought about this so many times, I am sick of it. I cry, I get angry. He knows how i feel about going places alone. He knows how badly i want him to be there with me. I even told him one time that I would get myself like a "date-buddy" guy to go out with and then I wouldn't have to bother asking him anymore. Of course this ****** him off, which i knew it would. But, I am tired of sitting around watching TV and not doing things with friends. I have missed out on soooo many events because i didn't want to go alone.
What should i do??????

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 01-04-2008, 10:29 PM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Posts: 2,369
AnnD HB UserAnnD HB User
Re: I need advice....I have an anti-social husband

Perhaps you all need to move back to where he was more comfortable. Otherwise I don't see a cure for him. Sorry but there are some people that just don't feel they fit in and unfortunately it is your husband and there seems no compromise. You will have a few choices. I am guessing you have already talked about a psychiatrist for him(you don't need to go since you seem able to fit in wherever you go) so he is in need of finding out but I am guessing he doesn't think he has a problem. or ...Tell him to move back home or..you can go together...but knowing that is where you will have to live forever..in his comfortable world. Sorry and good luck.

 
Old 01-04-2008, 11:22 PM   #3
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 2,906
chevyman HB User
Re: I need advice....I have an anti-social husband

I understand what you mean, I guess when you guys married he change settled down on the old front porch sorta speak.

I guess married life settled him down if he likes to just watch TV ,I think he should at least go with you once a month and you go with him once a month what ever he does?
take him to a place that has lots of beautiful women that are fine see if he likes that....like hooters or some place, maybe he will ''snap''out of his unsocial mooods?

 
Old 01-05-2008, 01:26 AM   #4
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,650
Laylah HB User
Re: I need advice....I have an anti-social husband

I think there is more going on here than meets the eye OP. I'm wondering if your husband has some sort of social anxiety disorder? If he does not, and this behaviour rests solely on selfishness, well then, it's one of the most extreme forms of selfishness I've come across on these boards; but I think it is much more likely he is suffering from some sort of social anxiety disorder and finds the prospect of socialising something that fills him with fear. The reason I think that is because your husband clearly loves you; you're only married four years and he did uproot himself by a thousand miles in order to be with you, so the notion that he is so dismissive of your needs and upset just doesn't quite fit for me. I think that something outweighs his impulse to stop causing you upset, and I think that something could well be fear.

I think your husband needs to see a professional about this and I think you need to spell out to him exactly how important and how non-negotiable this is. Hopefully he will go; fingers crossed for you.

Oh by the way; I wouldn't pay any attention to the bribing him with a gawk at other womens bodies idea. That's pretty pointless in my view as it would never work. If a mans love for his wife is not going to get him out the door then a quick gawk around hooters is not going to motivate him either and anyway, even in the unlikely event that it did, most women would prefer their husbands stayed on the couch.

 
Old 01-05-2008, 03:52 AM   #5
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 4,081
Larrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB User
Re: I need advice....I have an anti-social husband

I agree, I was going to suggest the same, that he has some sort of social anxiety or that he just doesnt' do well in social situations. I don't either, I'm much better at one on one. In crowds, parties, etc. I tend to disappear. I could be having a perfectly wonderful conversation with someone but as soon as a third party joins in, they turn to each other and keep talking and I can no longer get a word in and it feels so bad I've gotten to the point where I just don't even try to continue to participate anymore after that, unless someone's there that I consider "mine" like my brother or someone I know better than they know each other, etc. There are some people that despite their very best efforts, other people just don't want to be around or talk to, like the geeky kid in school who never had any friends because he had braces, pimples or his pants were too highwater. After a while you become so acutely aware of how disinterested people are in you, and it hurts so badly that makes you withdraw even more. Perhaps your husband is one of these people and it hurts to go out in public and be around people just to get ignored.

What to do about it, that's the tricky part. therapy can be a last resort, but since most men aren't into self improvement all that much and see therapy as a sign of weakness, and since he probably sees it as more your problem than his, that likely won't be your first easiest option. Also, I tried therapy for four years and it didn't help me much so I'm not a real big advocate for it. I think you should start by inviting one or two of your nicest, warmest, most open minded friends who seem to be able to get along with just about anyone, over to your house for a game night or whatever. Let him get used to socializing in small increments that won't overwhelm him. Get him used to them, and then he won't feel like such an alien when you guys go out. He'll have someone besides just you to talk to and connect with in outside-of-the-house social situations. If he still balks, tell him this has become a rather big problem for you. You do not want to spend the rest of your life having to choose between a rock and a hard spot and sit at home staring at the boob tube with him or going out alone. he has to start meeting you at least halfway. Good luck to you.

 
Old 01-05-2008, 04:24 AM   #6
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,650
Laylah HB User
Re: I need advice....I have an anti-social husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
You do not want to spend the rest of your life having to choose between a rock and a hard spot and sit at home staring at the boob tube with him or going out alone. he has to start meeting you at least halfway.
How true. Another thing to consider OP is that there has been humiliation for you here and if things don't change there is plenty more coming down the line. You cannot let this go on indefinitely; it will hurt you irrepairably to become known as the wife whose husband doesn't give enough of a damn about her to accompany her to events. The upshot of that would be inevitable resentment on your part. I could see this sort of thing, if left unattended, ruining a marriage.

Last edited by Laylah; 01-05-2008 at 04:25 AM. Reason: misspelling

 
Old 01-05-2008, 04:46 AM   #7
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Wetumpka, AL
Posts: 42
J S Machine HB User
Re: I need advice....I have an anti-social husband

I\'ve had this problem too in the past. From a guy\'s point of view, I can tell you a little about it. I am a lot like your husband. The one thing you weren\'t very clear on was how he acted when you all were in college. Did he enjoy to do these types of things in college? Did you have problems like this back then?

When I was in college I had just split up with my long time first love. I was single really for the first time in my life, so I looked for people to kind of \"fill that void\". I wasn\'t necessarily looking for another woman, but I enjoyed being around these types of events and social gatherings because it made it where I wasn\'t alone. I even threw some parties myself. However, one day I met a girl at one of these party situations. Once I met this girl and started to get serious with her, all I wanted to do was just activities with me and her. I didn\'t want to go to parties anymore and didn\'t want her to go either, which caused real problems. This is a little on the selfish side, and I realize that, but that\'s kind of one of my worse personality traits. I was never able to break her of that, and I wasn\'t trying by any means, but the fights we had eventually \"broke\" our relationship. Last I heard, she parties her heart away every weekend and is just loving it without me to hold her back anymore. More power to her...

I think it has a lot to do with the kind of person you are. If you are a party girl and like to go out and do things like that, you will not be able to see it from his point of view. I don\'t particularly know what his point of view is, but I know how he feels. I am not being a sexist in any way, but from my experience it seems like it takes women a whole lot longer than men to grow out of this stage. It seems like they \"sew their oats\" much longer than men. It seems apparent to me that some never completely get out of this stage. He may just be like myself, and would rather sit at home, or work on a car, or fix something. Those are things I would do any day over a social gathering.

I kind of got my fill of that stuff, the whole social scene and parties and all. I am 23 now, and I could care less to go to a party. To me it seems pointless for someone to have to go out and be with a bunch of other folks just to have fun. The way I am, I don\'t mind if my GF goes out and does things, as long as she tells me what she\'s doing and is honest with me. I don\'t want to go, because I know I will act just like your husband. I do not enjoy myself in situations like that and apparently it becomes quite obvious. It embarrasses her and she gets upset with me. So, I would much rather her go alone if that\'s what she really wants to do. I don\'t feel like I have social anxiety disorder or anything, I am just no longer interested in things like that.

What\'s wrong with having a female friend to tag along? I mean I see where he is coming from with the Guy date buddy thing. That would run me up the wall a little too.

This is just my point of view. Good luck.

 
Old 01-05-2008, 04:58 AM   #8
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 4,081
Larrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB User
Re: I need advice....I have an anti-social husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by J S Machine View Post
What\'s wrong with having a female friend to tag along? I mean I see where he is coming from with the Guy date buddy thing. That would run me up the wall a little too.
Going out with a man is having a date or an escort. Going out with another woman is going co-stag and it's kind of pathetic. That's what the homely girls in high school who couldn't get dates did. And there you are on the dance floor when everyone else is dancing in the arms of their SO under the twinkling lights gazing lovingly into each other's eyes, and there you are manless, with your girlfriend. Pathetic!! One of the many fringe benefits of marriage is supposed to be that you always have a date for parties, company dinners and national holidays. My mom also was always more social than my dad and it became a major sticking point in their marriage. The op's husband is very lucky she's willing to work on this. If it were the man who wanted to be social and the woman who wanted to be the stick in the mud, her butt would be dumped long before now.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 01-05-2008 at 05:12 AM.

 
Old 01-05-2008, 06:02 AM   #9
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 4,202
happymom28 HB User
Re: I need advice....I have an anti-social husband

Does your husband have any friends of his own? Coworkers that he gets along with? Perhaps you could suggest making some sort of plans with some people he is comfortable with?

Your situation may have to do with the fact that he really doesn't have any friends of his "own" though. You said he made a comment about how your should go somewhere because they are "your" friends. I think that says a lot. Maybe you could try going places together and trying to meet some new "couple friends".

I don't think your husband is trying to be completely self centered about this. I think he is lonely and may even be a little depressed about being so far out of his comfort zone. Have you talked to him about this?

 
Old 01-05-2008, 07:12 AM   #10
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
pendulum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Florianópolis, Brazil
Posts: 3,753
pendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB User
Re: I need advice....I have an anti-social husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by BeesWife View Post
...
What should i do??????
Hi BeesWife

Please don't get me wrong, but maybe your first mistake is your diagnosis of your husband's problem. This is much like labelling him, you know, I mean, calling him anti-social. This can only make things still worse.

Follow me if you can. He is currently living 1,000 miles away from his homeplace. I don't know much about American geography, but this number could imply that he is coming from a foreign country (Mexico or Canada). Well, it actually means that he has many reasons to feel like a foreigner or a stranger in this place now. Perhaps he speaks English with a different accent, perhaps he is used to eating different foods, wearing different clothes, etc. I don't know for how long you have been living here, but what I feel you have to understand is that he had to go through a very radical change in his life, and maybe he hasn't had the time to adjust to his new environment. He must feel like a fish out of water. Some people are quick at these things, but probably this is not his forte. So, maybe your second mistake is not taking all these things into consideration.

You say that he went out and had friends a few years ago, in a word, he was not anti-social. So something has happened to make him withdraw. I can only think that his moving here was the main cause.

Ok, I agree that he is being selfish to the point that he doesn't make an effort to be with you wherever you want to go. He is possibly giving lame excuses, too, and reacting like a child. But to me, his "case" is one of self-consciousness rather than anti-socialness, if you see what I mean. But I could be wrong.

I think your best strategy is to approach him more kindly. Don't fight with him, don't make a scene, don't accuse him of anything yet. He may think you are simply being nagging.

Try to find things to do with him at home, besides watching TV. Can't he help you make dinner? Can't you read books together? Dance in the living room? Plan the future? You, too, have to make some "sacrifices" to be with him at home.

Invite him to go out with you, but only with you. Nobody else, no stranger. Just the two of you, so he won't feel embarrassed.

Make new friends, so that your new friends can be his new friends too. If you are only relying on old friends, he may feel that he is at an disadvantage, you know. I am not telling you to dump your old friends, though. It is just a question of finding some balance here.

If he has a job and colleagues at his job, try to find who they are, and invite them and their spouses either to your house or to go out with you. Don't invite too many people at a time. You have to work homeopathically, as it were.

If none of these things work, then maybe he's really become anti-social. In this case, you may need to talk to a counsellor, or find ways to put up with this kind of life.

My last idea is that if you plan to have children in the near future, this may help him socialize more and better. Children often "force" their parents to come out in the world. Of course I am not telling you to have kids with this purpose, I am just reminding you of a common side-effect of having them.

Good luck.

 
Old 01-05-2008, 12:17 PM   #11
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: The UK
Posts: 1,315
Nina000 HB User
Re: I need advice....I have an anti-social husband

Hi

I tend to be a little like your husband but I have my reasons. I work/study all week and sometimes the thought of yet another duty to fulfil at weekends-- get dressed up and being courteous and entertaining to his mates-- is, in all honesty, just not the best idea to spend my free time. Some people need some ME time, esp if they have little chance to have it on a day-to-day basis. I don't know how demanding your husband's job is, or how tired he would be by the end of the week.

There is something else that I don't quite understand, he sounds respectful to your desire for socialising on your own, why would you want him to go out with you? I would enjoy my freedom in this case, and it is healthy to have different activities sometimes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BeesWife View Post

Which brings up another problem....when he DOES go with me, he is still anti-social and won't engage in converstaions, constantly looks at his watch, etc. Like it's painful for him to be there.

Maybe you should think about it in reverse: Perhaps this disengagement leads to his desire to stay at home. Again, you provided little information about how compatible he is with your friends, how willing to change and enagage with them he is....It is not easy to make people get on with each other. Having said that, he does owe you an explanantion as to why he does not want to go out with you, and he is not right to throw tantrums or make an issue out of asking him out.

 
Old 01-05-2008, 06:09 PM   #12
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: SF
Posts: 542
bulletproof HB User
Re: I need advice....I have an anti-social husband

Honestly, this kind of behavior would be close to a dealbreaker for me. It's one thing if he doesn't want to go, but to then go and be what sounds to me like borderline rude just isn't right.

I think he is clearly out of his comfort zone, and probably feels inferior to you because you have all the friends. Does he ever talk about socializing at work? Does he have any other activities besides work? I think this is a pretty serious issue, more than most, only because it can breed growing resentment on both sides, which is ultimately very damaging to the marriage. My father was like this, and it only got worse over time. He now just goes to family gatherings and sits in the living room, watching t.v. and eventually falling asleep. It's really sad and depressing for both him and the people around him.

If I were you, I would sit down and very calmly tell him how serious this is to you. No crying, or arguing, just a rational talk with an ultimatum at the end: he needs to get help with his problem or he runs the risk of losing you. That is not saying that you will leave, only that he will have put you one step closer to leaving if he cannot compromise even a little bit.

 
Old 01-05-2008, 07:20 PM   #13
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 3
arturo75 HB User
Re: I need advice....I have an anti-social husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by BeesWife View Post
Hello.jeaap i can relate
My DH and I have been married 4 years, no children yet, both 30 years old. In college, we had lots of friends and went out all the time socially to bars and stuff. After school, we moved to my hometown. My friends and family are here. His friends and family live about 1000 miles away!
I still like to go out with friends and have dinner or even just hang out at someone's house. I would LOVE to go to these places with my husband. 90% of the time i end up having to go alone. He always has some excuse about staying home. He'll say "Oh, I was just planning on staying home and not doing anything that night" or "you can go, you'll have more fun anyways, cuz they're your friends".
If a friend calls on a thursday to go out on saturday night, he throws a fit and says "No way, that's too last-minute notice and i was just looking forward to not doing anything this weekend". Even when I give him advance warning(like a week ahead) that there's a party coming up, he has a fit/tantrum and pouts or gets mad at me about it for "making" him go.
Which brings up another problem....when he DOES go with me, he is still anti-social and won't engage in converstaions, constantly looks at his watch, etc. Like it's painful for him to be there.
I am so embarrassed to go to parties alone AND I ALWAYS have to come up with some excuse for him not being there. He does this for family functions too.
I tried to compromise and i told him we only had to do one "social" thing each month and even that was too much for him. As you can see, he is very selfish and if he doesn't want to do something, he WILL NOT do it, no matter how it makes me feel.
We have fought about this so many times, I am sick of it. I cry, I get angry. He knows how i feel about going places alone. He knows how badly i want him to be there with me. I even told him one time that I would get myself like a "date-buddy" guy to go out with and then I wouldn't have to bother asking him anymore. Of course this ****** him off, which i knew it would. But, I am tired of sitting around watching TV and not doing things with friends. I have missed out on soooo many events because i didn't want to go alone.
What should i do??????

 
Old 01-09-2008, 10:22 PM   #14
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 183
BeesWife HB User
Re: I need advice....I have an anti-social husband

Thank you all sooooo much for your comments and advice....(even the Hooters comment). I'll keep that one in mind, but probably as a last resort!
Anyway, DH and i had a good talk about it. He said he really does like my friends, so it's not that anyone in particular gets on his nerves or something.

What's weird too is that he LOVES having company over to our house, so it's hard to say its really a socializing problem, because he has fun and is a fun and cordial host when people come. When I mention going out, he'll say, "can't we just invite them over here?"

And we have a blast when its just the 2 of us hanging out together. We are BFF's and cut up and stuff.

So, I don't get it. He loves being with me. He genuinely likes my friends. He just doesn't want to bother PHYSICALLY going anywhere and would rather the world come to him.

My conclusion...he's lazy.
What do you think?

 
Old 01-09-2008, 10:30 PM   #15
Inactive
(male)
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 598
MrZeely HB User
Re: I need advice....I have an anti-social husband

I cant exactly advise you what to do.

But i have to say im like your husband (im 19), but whenever i go out with my girlfriend's friends, i am the same. I stay quiet, im always checking my watch, or pretending like im spacing off so i dont seem like an idiot just standing there.

My reason is that im horribly shy and insecure about myself, so i never really feel comfortable talking to people i dont know. Maybe he does it for another reason, but that could be it.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
CONFUSED with THYROID readings?? I need help? meds do nto seem to be working? bluetou Thyroid Disorders 17 05-12-2011 08:18 PM
My Allergenic Nightmare. Need Expert Advice Aimvector Allergies 2 01-04-2010 06:27 AM
i need answers...please read nobby82 Anxiety 9 03-19-2009 09:35 AM
Please Respond!! Need Advice dizzyandsad Inner Ear Disorders 17 06-18-2008 03:30 PM
Hi, I am new to the forum. Need some advice please!!! beachbum22 Lupus 6 09-21-2007 06:17 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:20 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.com™
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.com™ All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!