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Old 01-05-2008, 01:48 PM  
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Bothered by girlfriend's past

I am 29 years old and have been in a relationship with my girlfriend of 26 for about 6 months. I have had several serious relationships in the past.

Recently, we shared some very topical information about our sexual history, and she revealed to me that she had been with 6 other people before me, far more than she had eluded to in the past - several in a very casual manner.

I know "the past is the past" and I should leave it alone, but the truth is, it bothers me that she's been with that many people before me (more than I have) - several of which she maintains contact with.

I realize that this is largely my problem to get over - everyone has a past. My question is this: Should I tell her I'm bothered? I feel myself being distant, and I know she feels it too...I just don't want her to feel I am judging her.

For some reason, I am ashamed of what she's done (one-night stands), and I just don't know where those feelings are coming from.....Should I tell her?

 
Old 01-05-2008, 01:56 PM  
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Re: Bothered by girlfriend's past

This is just my opinion but in a way I think you are judging her. You are bothered and distant with her since she was honest with you about her past. Are you upset she was with 6 people before you or is it because she was with more people then you have been with. And honestly I would be relieved that she is 26 and it was just 6 people and not a whole heck of a lot more.

I don't know if you should tell her it bothers you or not. I don't know her. But chances are she probably knows it bothers you if you have became more distance since this conversation. And I know I would feel judged if my boyfriend had said it bothered him about my past. We have had this conversation a very times (I am married now) but my past and his past is just that the past. What matters now is the future.

 
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Old 01-05-2008, 01:58 PM  
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Re: Bothered by girlfriend's past

No, don't tell her. This is your problem to deal with, not hers. Telling her will make her feel judged and she doesn't need that from you. Her past has no effect on you or your relationship with her.

What is important is how she treats you and your relationship. If she is a great person to you and treats you the way you deserve then that is all that matters. Make a conscious effort to let these things that are bothering you go. They have NOTHING to do with you. If you don't you do run the risk of pushing her away. Is her past worth losing her over?

 
Old 01-05-2008, 02:29 PM  
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Re: Bothered by girlfriend's past

well, the past isn't the past when it's in the present. She maintains contact with these people. I just bailed out of a ski weekend with her and a group of people that included a guy she recently slept with....It's hard to drop that stuff when it's in your face.

 
Old 01-05-2008, 02:38 PM  
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Tivo123 HB UserTivo123 HB UserTivo123 HB UserTivo123 HB User
Re: Bothered by girlfriend's past

You just need to get over it. For you to get mad at her for stuff she did before she even knew that you existed is totally unfair! I think you're just jealous that she has more experience than you do, and that's what's bothering you more than anything. You really just need to get over it. That's all that there is to it. At 26, she's bound to have had "a past". If that's not what you want, then find yourself a virgin or something?

 
Old 01-05-2008, 02:46 PM  
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Re: Bothered by girlfriend's past

so are you saying that she has no obligation to insulate our relationship from that kind of garbage? I should just get over it and spend a ski weekend with some guy she slept with? Does that sound reasonable?

 
Old 01-05-2008, 03:10 PM  
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Re: Bothered by girlfriend's past

I'm able to hang out with men I have slept with in the past without having any kind of sexual feelings for them. However I would never TELL my boyfriend (assuming I really cared about him) who I had slept with in the past, especially if I was still hanging out with those people.

And heck no, you shouldn't be expected to hang out with guys you know your girlfriend once slept with and be happy about it. It's one thing if she wants to go, but expecting you to is kind of ludicrous.
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Old 01-05-2008, 03:15 PM  
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Re: Bothered by girlfriend's past

The way I see it is that she is WITH you. My husband is friends with an ex that he slept with. She is the Godmother of our baby. Some people can maintain frienships with their exes and others can't.

You've been with her for 6 months. Have you met these guys? Does she give you any reason (other than her past, of course) to be jealous? Does she hang all over them? Are these friends respectful of your relationship with her?

If they are not in any way a threat to your relationship then you should let it go. However, if she or they act innappropriately towards eachother or disrespectfully towards you then perhaps you could voice your concern. Just be careful "forbidding" her from being their friend or having her choose, you may not like her choice under those circumstances.

Bottom line, talk to her. Not about her past, but your feelings about her still being friends with the guys. See how she feels. If there is nothing to be jealous of perhaps you could try to forge a friendship with them. You may be surprised.

 
Old 01-05-2008, 03:18 PM  
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Re: Bothered by girlfriend's past

Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyArcher View Post
I'm able to hang out with men I have slept with in the past without having any kind of sexual feelings for them. However I would never TELL my boyfriend (assuming I really cared about him) who I had slept with in the past, especially if I was still hanging out with those people.

And heck no, you shouldn't be expected to hang out with guys you know your girlfriend once slept with and be happy about it. It's one thing if she wants to go, but expecting you to is kind of ludicrous.
And what if he found out? That might be a source of trouble, no? If you had been hanging out with these people all along and somewhere down the line that comes out? Of course, you've given no reason for your partner to be jealous, but you still might see how they might be upset, right?

 
Old 01-05-2008, 03:20 PM  
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Re: Bothered by girlfriend's past

Quote:
Originally Posted by happymom28 View Post
The way I see it is that she is WITH you. My husband is friends with an ex that he slept with. She is the Godmother of our baby. Some people can maintain frienships with their exes and others can't.

You've been with her for 6 months. Have you met these guys? Does she give you any reason (other than her past, of course) to be jealous? Does she hang all over them? Are these friends respectful of your relationship with her?

If they are not in any way a threat to your relationship then you should let it go. However, if she or they act innappropriately towards eachother or disrespectfully towards you then perhaps you could voice your concern. Just be careful "forbidding" her from being their friend or having her choose, you may not like her choice under those circumstances.

Bottom line, talk to her. Not about her past, but your feelings about her still being friends with the guys. See how she feels. If there is nothing to be jealous of perhaps you could try to forge a friendship with them. You may be surprised.
Sounds like you are very secure in yourself and your relationship. At the end of the day, this boils down to my own hangups. I just don't know how to get over them. She's great. I love her. But when people say don't worry about it, forget it --- that just doesnt resonate with me.

 
Old 01-05-2008, 03:26 PM  
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Re: Bothered by girlfriend's past

Quote:
Originally Posted by holdfasthop View Post
so are you saying that she has no obligation to insulate our relationship from that kind of garbage? I should just get over it and spend a ski weekend with some guy she slept with? Does that sound reasonable?
I have not read your other responses on page 2 yet. Ya know my husband works with an ex-boyfriend of mine that I slept with. My husband knows this and does not care. I have sat and talked with this ex and my husband does not care. Why because I am with my husband. And he knows I am not gonna leave if for some ex.

 
Old 01-05-2008, 03:30 PM  
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WorriednNervous HB User
Re: Bothered by girlfriend's past

Quote:
Originally Posted by holdfasthop View Post
Sounds like you are very secure in yourself and your relationship. At the end of the day, this boils down to my own hangups. I just don't know how to get over them. She's great. I love her. But when people say don't worry about it, forget it --- that just doesnt resonate with me.
When I read this it sounds like you are insecure with yourself and/or your relationship. I guess I just don't get why you are so hung up on her past. That was her past. And like another poster some people are able to be friends with their ex even if it was sexual.

 
Old 01-05-2008, 03:57 PM  
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happymom28 HB User
Re: Bothered by girlfriend's past

Quote:
Originally Posted by holdfasthop View Post
Sounds like you are very secure in yourself and your relationship. At the end of the day, this boils down to my own hangups. I just don't know how to get over them. She's great. I love her. But when people say don't worry about it, forget it --- that just doesnt resonate with me.
Believe me, I wasn't always secure about these things. My exhusband cheated on me several times during our marriage and I went into my relationship with my husband with huge trust issues. The thing is, my husband told me about her right away and introduced me the first time she came to town when were dating (about a month in). It took me getting to know her to be okay. That's why I suggest you try actually getting to know that guy. Maybe it is different for men and women, I don't know. But if you love your girlfriend it may be worth it to try.

 
Old 01-05-2008, 06:26 PM  
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arturo75 HB User
Re: Bothered by girlfriend's past

[QUOyeap double jeopardy not goodTE=WorriednNervous;3376198]This is just my opinion but in a way I think you are judging her. You are bothered and distant with her since she was honest with you about her past. Are you upset she was with 6 people before you or is it because she was with more people then you have been with. And honestly I would be relieved that she is 26 and it was just 6 people and not a whole heck of a lot more.

I don't know if you should tell her it bothers you or not. I don't know her. But chances are she probably knows it bothers you if you have became more distance since this conversation. And I know I would feel judged if my boyfriend had said it bothered him about my past. We have had this conversation a very times (I am married now) but my past and his past is just that the past. What matters now is the future.[/QUOTE]

 
Old 01-05-2008, 11:32 PM  
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Re: Bothered by girlfriend's past

I can't believe you're hung up over her past . . . 6???? It's not like she said 30. 6 is not a lot at all. Unlike you go find yourself a virgin, you're going to be disappointed, because most woman on average have had more than 6 partners.

 
 

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