I am a stay at home mom of twins. My husband has a good job, and wont stop drinking, I say I am taking the kids and leaving and he just gets mad if I take his liquor and cards, I realize I am being codependent, as he calls me so, in arguements, Our kids are young, 2, and I dont want to live like this, We deserve better, and I am soooo tired of crying, I love my kids so much and am afraid of affording anything myself, daycare is so expensive, I have noone to talk to, my friends are so sick of this situation, they basically ignore me because i havent left, I love him, he is a good man when he is sober, which is few and far between. But I long for someone who loves me and wants to go out for family days and show my kids and I affection, and not watch sports, and golf, and not sleep all day because of the "drink" and blame me because I dare speak of it. He has been through rehab 4 times, once leaving me on bed rest pregnant during the hurricanes without electricity or water, nor calling me during that time, he was drunk during the birth of our children, he embarasses me all the time!! I cant leave the children in his care at all! I cannot trust him! But yet the only job I can do that makes money requires a 24 hr shift which no babysitter can do!! nor do I know one trustworthy that can do it! I am so upset and depressed I love my children soo much please any advice would help!!
There are steps you can take to make leaving him easier. First, try to find an al-anon group. People there can support you and possibly give you resources you need. Second, find those friends who won't talk to you because they are tired of your situation, and tell them you are leaving him, and that you need help. They are probably tired of it because you won't leave so perhaps if you make it clear that you are ready they will be more willing to help.
You sound like you are too distraught right now to think clearly. If you leave him, he will likely have to pay child support, so you don't have to worry as much about affording everything. You mention that you long for someone who loves you and wants to go out for family day. Your husband is not that someone, at least not right now. This is very bad for your children to witness, so if you can't find the strength for yourself, please find it for them.
Also, what is this job that can only be a 24-hour shift? There must be something else you can do for employment. There are a million jobs out there. Anything is better than nothing.
Definitely look up a local Alanon group. This is a good first step. Then leave your husband, or make him leave. Tap into your family and friends, they will help you leave him (it is right that they didn't help you to stay). Your husband will not stop drinking for you, he needs to lose everything before there is even a possibility of that happening. Nobody can live with a drunk like this. Best wishes, Sera
Tiredmomm, I cant urge you strongly enough to leave him. I left my ex-fiancee for exactly the same reason several years ago.
I didn't go to al-anon because I didn't know it existed, more's the pity for me. If anyone had told me there was a support group for people in my situation I'd have been along to those meetings like a shot.
You've got some good advice from the other posters here Tiredmomm; my best advice to you would be to take it. Trust me he will NEVER CHANGE. My ex is as drunk as he always was, only difference now is it's some other poor fool of a woman is picking his drunken a** up off the floor. I escaped, thank God!
Last edited by Laylah; 01-07-2008 at 08:53 AM.
Reason: misspelled op's username
You have gotten some great advice and I really don't have much to add. I just really want to urge you to leave, no matter how dark it looks to do so. You and your children deserve so much more and you will never get it staying married to a man like this. At least if you leave there is hope for your future. You can do it. You just have to believe in yourself.
Thank you all soo much, you are a bunch of angels I will have to do what is right and get a job and leave, the 24 hr shift is for a firefighter position, but you are right , I can always explore other avenues, it is just so scary when you have this ideal image in your mind, but my parents are still together and unhappy, they always were.
I am a 22 year old single mother with a five year old. Her father is a drug addict as well as an alcoholic and has been in and out of rehab since her birth. When he was home, he was out of control and I put myself and my child in danger multiple times. He is now in a half way house begging for my friendship. I do not receive child support and yes, daycare is expensive but, you have the peace of mind knowing that when your children do start school, they should be able to escort them back and forth while you are at work. It is hard but very rewarding knowing that I don't have to come home to a messy house because he decided to cook himself something while drunk and spill everything everywhere AND leave the stove ON!! You have to make a logical decision for yourself. For your safety and for you precious children. You do not realize how this is affecting them and they don't deserve it.
You have to do what you have to do. If I can do it, so can you!
Time does not heal. It simply provides distraction.
Tiredmomm, I feel your pain. I read your response to my post and I hope that you can get the strength to leave your husband. We deserve happiness!
I completely understand how you feel. Leaving my husband is the hardest thing that I have ever been faced with. But I am doing it and you can too. I know that the financial aspect is going to be difficult (and I don't have children like you do), but I'm going to make it work somehow. Life is too short to spend it with someone who doesn't take our feelings into consideration. Writing this to you is making me feel stronger about my own decision, so I hope that reading this will make you stronger as well. I wish you all of the best.
Tiredmom...Im so sorry. I am all too familiar with how addicts and addictions ruin families. Everything everyone has said is so true. You and your babies deserve so much more. He isn't going to quit until HE wants to. Unfortunately we cannot make addicts do anything they don't want to do. You already know the cliche term..."he has to hit rock bottom". Its very true and the best thing you can do for him is to not cushion his bottom. Don't enable him and don't save him.
My husband pulled some of this crap when we were first married. I am very very lucky and live close to my folks, so one night he went out and wouldn't answer his phone...you know the game. He came home to an empty house. It scared the crap out of him and we haven't had any issues since. Sounds like your man is a bit farther into his illness but you gotta get tough and get serious. Your life and the lives of your children are way important to you and you need to show him that you aren't going to stand by and watch him destroy your family.
If you can't talk to your friends, keep posting. There are great people on here. They've been thru it all! Good luck. Oh yeah....and find an al anon group. They really do help!
I kinda know how you feel...except i was the daughter of a drunken father... try explaining the problem to him and tell him how its hurting not only you but your children also...my father drank him self to his death and i know how it is growing up without a father... you know maybe leaving him is the best for you and your children...keep them safe! im really sorry you have to go through this keep your head up and your shoulders strong you will get through this...your in my prayers!
It is to my belief that it's the active decision to get better and the number of hours you push your self to improve that makes the difference. Motivation is much more important than innate ability.
Tiredmomm, You sound young and your children are babbies, you can get help. I know some will say this is not the answer but it can be a good start, go to your local public assistant office and tell them you need help. You could get assistants and possibly schooling for a new occupation. One thing about most of us females we always think we can fix things, it's just how we work. Sad to say there's allot we just can't mend and we need to learn to walk away and make life better for ourselves and those little ones depending on us. If you don't have family who are healthy enough to help you move on, look at all the females you have in your life and pick the eldest and smartest to help you on the road to total independence. Try to keep in mind that asking for help is good but remenber the load needs to be carried by you. May the Lord Hold and give you strenght.