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Old 01-07-2008, 08:41 PM   #1
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Having massive prblems with my mom now i don't know what to do!

normally when my mom does something i fly off the handle and handle things in a way i wish i later wouldnt have so when this new issue came to light today i thought id seek advice first...i am a 35 yr old responsible married mom of 4 teens i left home when i was 15 my mom and i did not get along and for the most part still dont and there have been many many times over the yrs we have gone without speaking because of fights but i usually am not the cause of them and have bit my lip sooooo many times! just a bit of a background my mom is a very materialistic person, expects gifts, not just a card or a call but actual gifts, emails u what she wants and God forbid if anyone ever forgets an event by not buying her something the world is over!! i dont expect nor do i care if my mom over the yrs has bought stuff for me but she does anyways and when i tell her not to she says i would freak if she didnt and i said no its u that freaks some people really do not care! so i dont fight with her i buy her things all the time just out of obligation its to the point i just put no thought into it,we speak reg on the ph or emails but for the most part her ideas are very warped and selfish. my 15 yr old dd she favs and today spent time with her...my mom feels the need to tell her everything about my past like its funny, things u shouldnt be telling a child and today my dd told me somethign my mom told her and my blood boiled! my grandfather passed away several months ago leaving her with a fair anmount of money, i do not want, expect or care if get any but she decided to tell my dd that because i dont have her over for dinner or care about her like my brothers do she has decided to give them money and not me because i am selfish for not doing these thing! i dont have people over for dinner, i dont like people over at my house all the time, one of my brothers does and the other one lives with my mom lol!! she says i dont appreciate anything but i have no idea what she means!!!!!! because i dont invite her for dinner? i say thank u and smile hug kiss when she gives me things and sometimes have just shown up with flowers or what have u for no reason but because i dont GIVE her things on a reg basis in her eyes i am selfish and therefor do not deserve any of this money. we had a planned party last mth and because she came back on that same day we went to go drive to pick her up from the airport, waited for her to land and then go through claims, 3 hours!!!! we visit them on occasions and show normal amounts of apreciation for them!! so i really am confused on what this is all about! but my mom has told me for 20 yrs now im selfish... my 26 yr old brother lives with them so he wouldnt have them over for dinner, when they go on trips which is often it is us that goes and waters their flowers and the son still lives in the house!!!!we have gone and shovelled snow when they are away, my dh gives my dad rides home from work all the time!! now the problem is i dont want any of this money, could care less really! but im ticked my mom felt the need to out of the blue tell my dd this! my dd told my mom she thought she was disgusting and very unfair how she sees money and love! my dd doesnt want me to tell my mom i know and in the past when she has done this ive gotten into heated discussions with ehr and told her not to do it anymore and nothing changes, i am done with her now, i mean done! ive had many sleepless night over this selfish woman and because we have talked and tried to discuss situations like this nothing will help, so that advice will do nothing, im not going to keep my kids from her but in the past when ive not spoken to her and the kids see her she will make rude remarks t them about the things we fight over and i dont tell my kids about any of that stuff! not my bday is coming up and as usual months back when my mom got me my present she of course has had to go on and on about it and how much it was and blah blah that i better appreicate it and how many hrs she had to work for it, i dont even like when she gives me stuff cause i feel obligated! so to save face between my dd and mom i dont think i should tell her i know what was said but that i should email my mom and simply say ive thought about it and think she should return my bday present and that i dont want anything in the future from her in any form....any help would be greta!

 
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Old 01-07-2008, 11:12 PM   #2
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Re: Having massive prblems with my mom now i don't know what to do!

In spite of you hanging around all these years and trying to do the right thing, and be a good daughter, your mother is still abusing and manipulating you and your family. She will not change, nothing you do will make any difference to her. For your own sake, pull right back from her toxic games and refuse to play them any more. The best reaction is no reaction at all. Let it wash by you totally. You are not and never have been responsible for anything that she says, does, or thinks. She will do them anyway. The only thing you can change in this whole dynamic is the way YOU handle it. Just say to yourself "Oh yeah, more of the same old BS..." and dismiss it. Like many people who are totally self-absorbed like this, she cannot and will not believe that others are not the same way, so she cannot accept that you are indifferent to materialistic things. You can't get through this, so don't even bother to try. Also, stop trying so hard to please her, and you may find that she will be less of a bully. Sera

 
Old 01-07-2008, 11:24 PM   #3
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Re: Having massive prblems with my mom now i don't know what to do!

Sera are u sure we dont know each other lol!!! funny thing u said i told my dh tonight that ive never said before and that is she is poison and not healthy and thats what u said! im glad not that u agreed with me so much but that u hit the nail right on the head...my problem is this wont stop with my dd and i just want to scream at her that i dont really care about money and gifts and i dont care she is giving it to my brothers and not me...its like i want her to know as much as she thinks she is punishing me for not giving it to me i want to let her know its not punishing me she is the type to think im not taking it out of spite for her and to make her feel guilty! and she has done that in the past,i really dont feel like accepting my bday gift though and to her ive never tried to please her, to her i am selfish and dont care about anything but me and im soooooooo not like that funny thing is she is!also i have probs with letting things go,as much as i know im not wrong i dwell....my kids, in laws, friends everyone sees her first hand and are disgusted by her.i KNOW my mom and if nothing is mentioned about this she will give it to me anyways but then i WILL NOT accept it at this point because it will be thrown in my face for years and its not worth it...does anyone else actually have parents like this?!?!!!!!!

 
Old 01-07-2008, 11:28 PM   #4
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Re: Having massive prblems with my mom now i don't know what to do!

I just had a crazy thought and wanted to see what others thought...im thinking i should email my mom play dumb and mention in passing me and my dh were thinking the other day that we know one day she will be getting this money and that we think it best she spend it on herself as she is more deserving than us and we dont need for anything right now and she should just treat herself and the rest of the family.she isnt stupid but it may get the clue across that i dont want any part of her game without actually "telling" on my dd.

 
Old 01-08-2008, 01:40 AM   #5
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Re: Having massive prblems with my mom now i don't know what to do!

Hi

I've always been told (and I think it is true) that the most difficult relationship between humans out there is the relationship between mother and daughter. It is much like the relationship between a creditor and a debtor, if you see what I mean.

I may have missed a few points in your account... By the way, there's something I want to tell you, but I'm hesitating because you might become angry with me and you might think it is irrelevant. So I'm taking a deep breath before speaking up... It is simply about the way you type. It would help (me and maybe others as well, but of course I am not speaking for them) if you used Capital Letters and a more accurate punctuation. Please don't get me wrong. I suppose you are typing rather quickly and nervously and to stop and worry about Capitals and Punctuation would interrupt the flow of your thoughts. I know, I know, but just think about it. Maybe this is a general pattern for you. You get overexcited about the simplest and most natural things in your life and end up precipitating things and not being able to see clearly. (This is not a reprimand, but just a tentative observation.) So now it's your turn to take a deep breath.

You don't know what to do about your mother. Most of us don't, simply because there is nothing you can do about them. Sometimes they change at the end of their lives (when they become terminally ill, for instance), but in general you have just to accept them the way they are, and in most cases they are miles and miles away from what you think they should be like. The dilemma is that, as their children, you have to be there for them, you have to treat them respectfully (I am not saying "love them"), but at the same time you don't have to swallow (their) insults. When you will achieve this finesse (or detachment) in your relationship with your mother, you will be able to count yourself as a real winner. Very few have gone that far...

What you can really do is trying to have a friendly and open relationship with your daughter, so that you won't repeat the same mistakes of your relationship with your mother.

Sorry, I don't mean to add fuel to the fire (but possibly I will), but may I ask you if this money from your grandfather is the same as inheritance? Or was it a gift? If it is inheritance, you are also entitled to it, and if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't give it up. I would talk to a lawyer in the first place.

What I don't understand is the attitude of your brothers and father. If they know that your mother is deliberately ignoring you, why do they remain silent? Aren't they behaving as naughtily as she is?

Possibly when you mother told your daughter about the money, she knew that her granddaughter will bring the news to you. This is a provocation, but you have to keep your head cool. Your daughter is 15, isn't she? Didn't she tell her grandmother that it is unfair of her to ignore (skip) you? Grandchildren often have much power with their grandparents, so it sort of amazes me that your daughter had no reaction, if I am not mistaken.

Ok, minimize your commerce with your mother (but I don't think you can stop it completely), but on the other hand do lay your claim on that money if it is an inheritance according to the law.

It may be easy for me to say it, but I think that is what I would do if I were you.

 
Old 01-08-2008, 03:24 AM   #6
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Re: Having massive prblems with my mom now i don't know what to do!

Oh yeah, Hayley, I had one just like yours. My mother tried to play the nine of us siblings against each other by holding out the will etc. She did a lot of the same numbers as your mom does. Except she wasn't materialistic so much as money-grubbing and mean. For example, we were all left money from our great-aunt, and only the four eldest (who were of age) actually saw any of the money. The younger ones got nothing, she took it over and spent it. Even when she died, she had one last game to play - she left all her money to one sister and one brother so the rest of us were to ask them if we needed any. Both of them dumped the whole lot into an account and shared it out equally between all of us. She never knew just how much we sibs thought of our parents as 'them' and we nine as 'us'. LOL. seriously tho, I achieved sanity ONLY when I accepted that my mother was who she was, she worked with what she had (even tho it was toxic cr@p), and I would never have the mother I wanted or needed, that it was all up to me. Not even forgiveness fits, it was just acceptance. She didn't set out deliberately to be a poison parent, it was just all she was. with acceptance comes healing. Sera

 
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