GF wants to marry, and I'm afraid of what happens if I say no. Please help.
Quick rundown - I'm 30, my girlfriend is 31. We moved in together a little over a year ago due to her urgings and over my objections of not being ready. We've been dating for two years.
She is really really intent on getting married and having children. She keeps talking about how she's getting older, she'll be 32 this year, and how the risk rates for having children skyrockets at 35+, and she wants three children (actually wants more, but admits it's probably too late for that).
I love her, I really do, but our relationship has been a very difficult one. When we started dating, she had just left her husband of 7 years. She was suffering from depression (though I didn't know it until later). Her depression was an immense burden on the relationship... I basically had to take care of her for all last year. She had a job, and was scraping along financially, but I was the one keeping her sane and alive. I am her only emotional support, she has no close friends and doesn't feel she can talk to her family about her depression, plus they're poor and couldn't help her much anyway.
She has since pretty much recovered from the depression (she's been off meds for almost a year and very rarely gets depressed, and then not anything a shadow of what it was), but she's still a very emotional and needy person.
I'm a kind and loving guy, but I can be blunt as well. I constantly feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her, because the slightest thing could ruin her mood for the entire evening (and often does).
I do love her and care for her very much.... but I'm not sure I want to marry this woman who causes so much stress in my life.
And there's the rub. She wants me to propose. Soon. And I'm afraid of what happens if I don't. I've been putting it off and putting it off, hoping thing will get better between us as time goes by. I keep telling her I need more time, but she's really pushing hard for it to be now. Like in the next few weeks. Every night she cries because I keep pushing it off, and that makes her think I don't care about her. And it just makes it harder and harder for me to tell her no, because I know it'll crush her. Because I'm afraid it'll send her back to the pits of depression, and I'm not sure I could get her out again. And if I wasn't there, I'm afraid she'd almost certainly take her own life.
I don't know what to do and I don't know who to talk to. Any advice anyone has would be so very greatly appreciated.
Re: GF wants to marry, and I'm afraid of what happens if I say no. Please help.
so you let her bully you into moving in together and now you're going to let her bully you into marriage? do you think it will end there? then it will be bully you into kids, into buying a house, a bigger house, a bigger diamond, etc? stand up for yourself and don't agree to anything you're not SURE that you want!!! you need to stop her in her tracks before she gains too much momentum.......what are you afraid of?
Re: GF wants to marry, and I'm afraid of what happens if I say no. Please help.
You are in a hard situation, I feel for you. You are taking care of this lady to the detriment of your own well-being. But the bottom line is - her health and happiness is, after a certain point, not your responsibility. By this, I mean that while you don't want to shatter her happiness by breaking up, you are doing yourself and her no favours in the long term by staying. Make it clear but gently, by moving out yet staying close for a bit and offering her every support (if she will accept it). Do not let her go on thinking that you are eventually going to propose. You don't love her enough (and I pass no unfavourable judgement on that, it can't be helped), and this will make you both very unhappy. I wish I could be of more help, Sera.
Re: GF wants to marry, and I'm afraid of what happens if I say no. Please help.
The sooner you are honest with her, the more time she'll have to get used to the idea and to find someone else if she chooses.
I know it is hard to hurt someone, but the fact is that you are hurting her way more by not being truthful. Do you simply not want to marry her, or are you planning to leave the relationship entirely? Figure out what you really want to do and do it. I suspect that you are using her depression as an excuse, a bit- are you perhaps afraid that you are making the wrong decision, or afraid to be alone?
Re: GF wants to marry, and I'm afraid of what happens if I say no. Please help.
This is emotional blackmail.
Instead of her facing her issues head on she has basically relied on you to be her everything and that is just not healthy. You are only human and you shouldn't be walking around on eggshells like this. She is the only person who has the power to make herself happy. Yes, you can add to her joy (and should), but you can't be the sole source. It is draining emotionally and physically to be in the position you are in and you have to put a stop to it. It is not fair to you to stay in this and it is not fair to her to think that you are on the same page when you are not.
I think you should listen to Seraph's advice here and follow it. You don't love her enough to marry ger (and I am not passing any judgement here on that), and I think that is mostly due to the fact that she doesn't love herself enough.
Re: GF wants to marry, and I'm afraid of what happens if I say no. Please help.
I told you what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of her trying to take her own life. And I feel like it would make me a horrible person to just abandon her to that, not to mention that she can barely support herself financially, so moving out on her own would be a huge hardship, if it's even possible for her to afford it (she runs an online store from home, and uses two of our three bedrooms to store inventory and work out of).
I do love her and there are days at a time where things are really good. But I don't know that I can ever remember a full week where there wasn't some kind of blowup between us. I say "I'm sorry" to her a half a dozen times a day most days.
She's so SO devoted to me, she says I'm the best thing that ever happened to her, and given the rest of her life, she's probably right (not being cocky, she had a lot of bad experiences in her life, and I'm the first decent guy she's been with) .... if only I was as much in love with her as she is with me.
Telling her I don't want to marry her, or worse, breaking up with her, would be pulling all the supports out from under her. She'd collapse. Even if she doesn't kill herself, I don't know if she'd ever fully recover. She believes, with all her being, that I am her last hope for happiness...
Re: GF wants to marry, and I'm afraid of what happens if I say no. Please help.
she's manipulating you.....anyone who threatens suicide if you leave them is manipulative. I've had BF's do that....when i was younger I fell for it, agonized over it, etc. Now that I'm older, if someone threatened me with suicide as a way to manipulate me, I'd show them the door. So I guess your own life is not as important to you as her life.....why is that? why are you willing to sacrifice your own life just for her? you may want to look into a book called co-dependent no more. you sound like you're co-dependent. I'd contact her family and tell them the situation, and be done with it......let them take care of her.......manipulative people make me so angry.....I'd walk away and just keep walking.....
Re: GF wants to marry, and I'm afraid of what happens if I say no. Please help.
Well, have you thought about urging her to see a therapist? Honestly, she needs to learn how to depend on herself. You are taking responsibility for things that are just not your responsibility. You can't be her everything and you are not doing her any favors by being that for her.
I don't doubt that you love her at all. But loving her doesn't mean doing what you are doing. I think she needs some help, the kind of help that you are not capable of giving her. Would she listen to you if you suggested a therapist?
Re: GF wants to marry, and I'm afraid of what happens if I say no. Please help.
Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz
she's manipulating you.....anyone who threatens suicide if you leave them is manipulative.
It's not just a threat. I tried to break up with her 6 months in (when her depression was the worst and I just couldn't handle it) and found her in the bathtub, digging for an artery in her wrist with a half gallon of blood on the bottom of the tub. Scared me to death. She wouldn't let me take her to a hospital though, and eventually recovered. She's almost never depressed now, and certainly nothing like she was before, where every day she thought about suicide.
So.... don't think it's some whiny little teenager looking for attention. She has had clinical depression in the past and was treated for it, though she seemed to do far better when she was off the meds and in a stable relationship than she ever did when she was on the meds.
Re: GF wants to marry, and I'm afraid of what happens if I say no. Please help.
Quote:
Originally Posted by OccamsSpork
It's not just a threat. I tried to break up with her 6 months in (when her depression was the worst and I just couldn't handle it) and found her in the bathtub, digging for an artery in her wrist with a half gallon of blood on the bottom of the tub. Scared me to death. She wouldn't let me take her to a hospital though, and eventually recovered. She's almost never depressed now, and certainly nothing like she was before, where every day she thought about suicide.
So.... don't think it's some whiny little teenager looking for attention. She has had clinical depression in the past and was treated for it, though she seemed to do far better when she was off the meds and in a stable relationship than she ever did when she was on the meds.
that should have been your cue to walk away from this relationship.......
you shouldn't have asked her permission to take her to the hospital, you should have called 911 and she would have got the mental health help that she so desperately needs. What about talking to her family? I'm sorry she's depressed, but you're letting her make her problems, your problems, and that's just unacceptable. what you're saying is that your life should come in second to her life.....her life is more important than yours and that's just not true. are you willing to be miserable, unhappy and a martyr just so she doesn't kill herself? what way is that to live?
you need to get help for her and get away from her......for both of your own good.
Re: GF wants to marry, and I'm afraid of what happens if I say no. Please help.
I don't buy into this business of women bullying men into marrying then, or telling men they want to be proposed to. Look, it sounds like she pressured you into living with her, and now is pressuring for marriage. You aren't that into it, but are going along for the ride. Honestly, it sounds to me like you are more afraid of being alone, so are doing this things so you don't have to be alone. But if you aren't into this, this is a huge mistake, and bringing kids into the mix, a bigger mistake. You should never settled for a so so relationship just because you are scared to be alone. I would seriously think about ending this and letting her find someone who truly wants to be with her, and you need to find someone that you are truly wanting to be with, not that you are with because you are scared to be alone. Honsetly too, ijt seems like your girlfriends needs to get a life, needs help, and is a manipulator..I mean saying you will kill yourself if someone leaves, that is manipulation pure and simple. And if she really has serious depression issues, she needs to deal with those with or without you. I lived with someone like this years ago, he worshiped me, said he would never ever be ok if I left, would cry, would beg, say he wanted to die, etc etc, but you know what, you can't live your life taking care of someone else because you feel guilty. I did leave that guy, and you know what, he did eventually get over it and get his life together.
Re: GF wants to marry, and I'm afraid of what happens if I say no. Please help.
Quote:
Originally Posted by happymom28
Well, have you thought about urging her to see a therapist? Honestly, she needs to learn how to depend on herself. You are taking responsibility for things that are just not your responsibility. You can't be her everything and you are not doing her any favors by being that for her.
I don't doubt that you love her at all. But loving her doesn't mean doing what you are doing. I think she needs some help, the kind of help that you are not capable of giving her. Would she listen to you if you suggested a therapist?
You're probably right. She's said she's never been out of a relationship for more than a couple months since the time she was 13. While she's smart and strong, she's also very dependent and needy.
However, she hates therapy. She went to a marital counselor for her last marriage and it never worked (mostly because her husband never cared enough to try).
She was in therapy for her depression and absolutely hated it. Most of the time she came back from it feeling worse than before she left.
I don't think she'd ever agree to go to therapy again. Her experience with therapy for her depression completely soured her to it.
Re: GF wants to marry, and I'm afraid of what happens if I say no. Please help.
Quote:
Originally Posted by OccamsSpork
However, she hates therapy. She went to a marital counselor for her last marriage and it never worked (mostly because her husband never cared enough to try).
She was in therapy for her depression and absolutely hated it. Most of the time she came back from it feeling worse than before she left.
I don't think she'd ever agree to go to therapy again. Her experience with therapy for her depression completely soured her to it.
so she has went through a divorce once and didn't see the need to kill herself......or did she threaten that with her ex-husband too? either way, she's still alive, and still manipulating you......
you need to come to the realization that she is not your problem......
and you need to take steps to move on......
Re: GF wants to marry, and I'm afraid of what happens if I say no. Please help.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jennie250
Honestly, it sounds to me like you are more afraid of being alone, so are doing this things so you don't have to be alone.
That's funny. I actually like being alone. It's one of the problems in our relationship. She wants to be with me every hour of every day, and I like having time to myself. I've only been in relationships for about 6 of the last 12 years, and I wasn't unhappy while alone. Do I want to find someone to fall in love with? Yes, definitely. But I never had a lot of friends as a kid and spent a lot of time alone. I'm quite comfortable by myself, actually.
I think I do have a problem with wanting to please everyone and not upset anyone, even to the detriment of myself. Breaking up with someone has always been really really hard for me, and with the added pressure of her depression, it's making it very difficult for me.
I really appreciate everyone's responses... just being able to talk it out, even with people I don't know, really helps. I feel like I've been in this all by myself for so long. I have friends, but it's hard to confide in friends when they know and see my girlfriend all the time.
Re: GF wants to marry, and I'm afraid of what happens if I say no. Please help.
Do you think you want to salvage anything of this relationship? My impression is that you just want out. If that's the case, then you need to start being honest, now. Tell her you will get her help, put her friends/family on alert, but break it off as soon as possible.
Some of your posts sound like you would be with her if she could get her act together. If that's the case, then I would tell her that therapy, both individual and couple, is imperative.
Re: GF wants to marry, and I'm afraid of what happens if I say no. Please help.
Quote:
Originally Posted by OccamsSpork
I think I do have a problem with wanting to please everyone and not upset anyone, even to the detriment of myself. Breaking up with someone has always been really really hard for me, and with the added pressure of her depression, it's making it very difficult for me.
it's called being co-dependent.......I am like this too, and am conciously trying to stop......in fact I'm not in a relationship because that's the only way I know that I won't be co-dependent. You really need to get out of this for your own good......you know this.....just make it happen......
Re: GF wants to marry, and I'm afraid of what happens if I say no. Please help.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bulletproof
Do you think you want to salvage anything of this relationship? My impression is that you just want out. If that's the case, then you need to start being honest, now. Tell her you will get her help, put her friends/family on alert, but break it off as soon as possible.
Some of your posts sound like you would be with her if she could get her act together. If that's the case, then I would tell her that therapy, both individual and couple, is imperative.
I don't know. I'm afraid if I let it go on, I'll just keep in this cycle of being unhappy and doing everything just to keep her happy. Not that I'm miserable all the time, far from it... I'm actually miserable a very small amount of the time and just slightly discontented a lot more of the time. ... which I know is no way to lead a life.
I don't know how to do it... every time I imagine it, I imagine her soul being filled with burning hate and engulfing depression. I don't want that for her. I want her to be happy. I think she can find someone else who is more of the type of person she's looking for, and hopefully become less dependent along the way. But I'm afraid she won't give herself the chance.
Re: GF wants to marry, and I'm afraid of what happens if I say no. Please help.
Then you need to stop imagining it, and do it. Because I think you are psyching yourself out by imagining scenarios when you really don't know what's going to happen. Maybe for a little while, she will be filled with burning hate (towards you and probably herself) and she will be depressed. But the sooner this happens, the sooner she can move on and find someone else. Right now, she still has lots of time to realize her dream of having children. Don't take that away from her by lying to her any longer.
Re: GF wants to marry, and I'm afraid of what happens if I say no. Please help.
That's funny. I actually like being alone. It's one of the problems in our relationship. She wants to be with me every hour of every day, and I like having time to myself.
That is a huge problem then, sounds like she has issues with co depency as well as other things. Like I said in my post, sounds like she really needs a life. You can't live like this if you aren't happy. Wouldn't you rather be with someone more independant, who didn't have to " convince " you do live wit her, marry her etc. I'm sorry she has problems with depression and all that, but she is also an adult, if she is refusing therapy. She needs to take responsiblity for her own life. Remember she is an adult and needs to be responsible for herself. You can't stay because you fear what she will do, she is using guilt and it's not fair to you. It sucks hurting someone, but you also have to think of yourself. Do you want to go the next 20 years being there because she says she will kill herself if you don't stay?
