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Old 01-19-2008, 11:28 AM   #1
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how to distance myself from my livein bf

I am 25 with two kids and i live with my bf. we have been together for close to 2 years and have been living together for a little over a year. I love him a lot and i want to get married. we talk about marriage, brought up on both ends, ut the problem is he sends me mixed signals, he wants to get married but then he doesnt. i have been married once before and he was married and divorced twice. his first marriage lasted 10 years and his last one lasted for 8 months cause she used him. I feel like i am wasting my time. how do i start to distance myself from this man when i live with him. I want him to propose and he knows this. i figure if i distance myself he with either pop the question or he wont. if he does that would be great but if he doesnt propose within 6-8 months i am prepared to leave him for good. I dont want to, but i surely will because it is not fair to me. He is also a stubborn man.

 
Old 01-19-2008, 12:25 PM   #2
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Re: how to distance myself from my livein bf

I think it's kind of hard to distance yourself from a man that you live with. What really needs to happen is an honest discussion about your feelings. Tell him where you stand and ask him to do the same. You deserve to know where is head is in terms of the future.

 
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Old 01-19-2008, 01:57 PM   #3
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Re: how to distance myself from my livein bf

I agree that you shouldn't start playing games just because you want him to do something. The moment you start doing that, you compromise your integrity. If he won't propose, then distancing yourself won't make any difference. Either he wants to or he doesn't, and it sounds like he probably doesn't want to, due to his history.

 
Old 01-19-2008, 02:06 PM   #4
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Re: how to distance myself from my livein bf

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael25 View Post
but if he doesnt propose within 6-8 months i am prepared to leave him for good. I dont want to, but i surely will because it is not fair to me.
Exactly right! If he doesn't want the same things out of life that you want then it's just a waste of time thinking that he's going to change. It's certainly his prerogative to not marry again but he can't expect you to stay single forever because he's afraid of commitment.
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Old 01-19-2008, 08:54 PM   #5
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Re: how to distance myself from my livein bf

tell him what's on your mind. distancing yourself just reeks of game-playing.

 
Old 01-20-2008, 02:38 AM   #6
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Re: how to distance myself from my livein bf

I can understand why any woman would be tempted to give a man the big freeze here OP. I'm quite good at the big freeze myself; 'picture and no sound' I call it, lol. The thing is though, as tempting as I know it must be, in this case it would be a bad idea because of the particular set of circumstances you are in. You want the man to marry you. If you want a man to marry you the surest way to make that happen is to create an environment in which he'll want to stay - forever. No man alive wants to live forever in the big freeze, and you can trust me on that, lol. If you put him through weeks of being distanced and ignored and looked straight through like he's a ghost in his own home he wont want to stay in that home for five more minutes, never mind the rest of his life! This is not the situation to use that tactic Rachael. I think the other posters are right in suggesting you need to go for the mature putting-your-cards-on-the-table approach. Good luck to you; having to be mature when you want to do the opposite is a hard thing to do!

 
Old 01-20-2008, 03:59 AM   #7
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Re: how to distance myself from my livein bf

Now some little seperation and space may help in general to throw relief on your relationship, if you are on top of each other or too close to have a feel for where the relationship is going (if it is "going").

But distancing yourself with a specific, unspecified motive in mind certainly will answer your question. You will get your answer: NO.

There is a simple, straightforward course you can take, if possibly unconventional to you. Propose to him.

Now before dismissing this out of hand, I suggest, THINK about it, sleep on it, research it. Websearch "female proposal marriage" and read a few stories. It's worth that much thought isn't it?

It may be unconventional, it may be uncomfortable, it may feel "wrong", but it is very possible that a moment of feeling uncomfortable will be the greatest decision in your life, if he says yes and it all works out, OR an uncomfortable yet infinetly useful one if he says no.

One thing I will say, as a guy if I am ready to marry and I am proposed to I will either say YES! - or if it's out of character, um and ahhh but come around to being proposed to (not let it slip away). If I don't want to marry I will find a way to say no.

In other words, it may be out of character for both of you in those roles but you would still have your answer regardless, and afterwards the method would really not matter at all.

Last edited by subbster; 01-20-2008 at 04:00 AM.

 
Old 01-20-2008, 09:06 AM   #8
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Re: how to distance myself from my livein bf

If he has been divorced twice, it should be quite understandable why he is so wary of another marriage. He probably wants to be absolutely sure before taking that plunge again. I know a lot of men who have been divorced a couple of times who are totally put off at the thought of going through all that heartache again, and swear they never will.

Especially if has was used by his last ex-wife, then you should understand that it is probably tough for him to fully trust. He wants to be sure he has got total devotion before he marries again. You sound like a great lady, and I'm sure he realizes you are, but on the other hand you are willing to dump him, just totally eject him from your life, only because he won't put a ring on your finger. How is that total devotion?

I think if you truly love him then you should understand his hesitancy, and work toward proving how much you love him and how willing you are to stand by him no matter what. But if you aren't willing to? Then it may be best to just cut ties now
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