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Old 01-21-2008, 08:34 AM   #1
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weird signals?

I have a friend whom I met whilst away on a university trip. This was two and a half years ago, when my ex and I had broken up the first time.
After we returned from that trip, we met up a lot, and started kissing etc. Things were going well, I fancied him so much, he made my head spin, but then my ex came back on the scene and we got together. The other guy, Ill call him, Ben, was looking forward to see me at a ball we were all going to but i hadn't told him i had got back together with my ex- instead he saw us together and he looked very, very sad. Nevertheless, we continued our friendship, and we were always very flirty. I told my boyfriend at the time, that i found Ben very attractive, and my boyfriend hated this, along with the fact that I had been seeing him up until we got back together. He got so jealous and mad (even 8 months into our relationship) that he sent Ben a threat, saying if he ever came near me, he would be in trouble (I've watered it down a little lol).
Anyway, eventually my boyfriend and I broke up but were still discussing gettiing back together. One evening, after I left my exes after one of our many discussions which lead no where, I went to meet Ben. This was last summer. We drank wine in a lovely park and had a wonderful time. He was seeing someone new, but I had no problem with that. I still loved my ex.
Moving on, a few months later, Ben broke up with his girlfriend. We started meeting up a lot, going out to clubs etc. He cooked me dinner for my birthday.That was lovely. He kept asking me to stay over but I couldn't. When we went out for my birthday, aling with a big group of friends, my friends kept asking who he was because apparently he was all over me. I couldn't see this and some of my friends said I should be warned that if I liked him, I was giving off the wrong signals, being cold. But I didn't want anything to happen that evening because it was my birthday and I just wanted to enjoy it with friends. Again, towards the end of the evening, he kept asking me to go back to his place. I declined. And one of my male friends told me I was too good for him, and kept pulling me away from him.
Ben walked home with an old friend of mine, who apparently kept telling him to forget about me because he would have no chance because i had too many admirers. hmmm.
Anyway, weeks went by, and suddenly Ben stopped acting interested. Before the christmas break, he kept dropping hints that we were nothing morethan friends. Which was fine, but I was a little puzzled as to why thigs had changed. But anyway, I made it clear to him that I felt the same way.
Since I moved out beginning of this month, he has been over to my place a lot. He has stayed over about three times. He would always come over, even if I called when he was busy doing something- he would drop everything and come over. We would stay up late, talking, listening to music, drinking wine- having a lovely, relaxed time. I would feel very comfortable sleeping next to him. It was lovely. A few times he would ask me to put my arm around him, because he said it felt nice, but I didn't do this for too long. After leaving in the morning, he would send me messages like "i love talking to you, i love spending time with you."
Last week, I realised I still fancied him. He is two years younger than me, and we are in very different places in our lives, but i always have such a wonderful time with him. I get along with him so well. I felt so comfortable with him. But saying all this, I always knew we would never be good in a relationship. So I wondered about having some fun with him. I couldn't stop thinking about being intimate with him. I remember our kisses from long ago, and the attraction, it was amazing.
So last week, when I was returning home from a girls night out, I got speaking to his flatmate who told me that Ben really fancied me too and whilst he would say he couldn't have a relationship with me because i was too mature,he was too immature, he seemed like he did want a relationship but was just hiding it.
So I decided, tongiht would be the night for some fun. Not a relationship because deep down I knew I couldn't go through another heartbreak because i knew this just wouldnt work.

deleted

Then after some kissing and on the brink of getting it on, he told me he couldn't do it.
I wasn't upset, I wasn't embarrassed, nothing. I just wanted to know why.
He kept giving me lots of excuses, couldn't make much sense of it. I told him it was ok, that i just wanted fun, and that i wasn't in love with him and didn't want to form a relationship.
He asked if I wanted him to leave. But I told him he didn't have to, because I felt comfortable with him and didn't hate him- because that is how much i like and respect him.
So in the morning, he was acting very arrogrant. I was very confused about last night, but anyway. I went off to work and received a text ending with "see you around sometime." I replied, what the hell is that, what happened etc, shame you couldn't even say sorry. He replied saying, never talk to me like that, i don't want to see you again. I replied calling his manhood something crude.
I was confused?????? What on earth had happened?
My friends and my mum kept saying he is in love with me and felt knocked back when he realised i just wanted fun. Even his flatmate kept saying, he has deep feelings for you, but is very sensitive.
But if he felt that way, surely he would have continued to be intimate? Guys arent like us girls.
So yesterday, I sent him a message, asking what the hell had happened, and stated that i felt bad, and that we could maybe start dating and see where it went by taking it easy and that if he didn't want to, despite what happened, it shouldnt come in the way of our friendship because we always have such a good time. i told him i was sorry for messaging him and i was going to invite him round but he sounded so mad in his last text. he replied i feel exactly the same way. i felt sorry for how that night went and acting weird. id still lvoe to hang around with you. Lets meet very soon so we can talk. In in a really good mood now."
Then I messaged him, "Did last week happen because we are just friends or because you felt knocked back because i said it was just fun?"
He replied, "To be honest, i dont know. Are you free tomorrow?"
Then we agreed to meet up.
I kept thinking, maybe it would be ok to start something new with him, despite having a strong feeling that it wouldn't work out. So I thought (i was feeling very guilty) yeah why not. I can have some fun.
So I meet with him today and he says he just wants to be friends, that he thinks I am beautiful, but feels we would be better as friends.
A little annoyed, I felt like asking him, why he couldn't have just told me last night but oh well.
Im not heartbroken, I am not upset, nor angry.
Haha Im just a little confused. Would you be?
I mean, he has made it clear he just wants to be friends- which is fair enough and i feel comfortable enough with him (despite all this) to continue the friendship (which is a good sign- if this was any other guy, i'd be freaking out). I am not in love with him nor have strong feelings. I just fancy him a lot and that is it.

deleted

it was just sex.
But despite all this, I am confused as to his signals. Would you be?

Last edited by Administrator; 01-21-2008 at 10:53 AM. Reason: Do not post sexual details.

 
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Old 01-21-2008, 08:58 AM   #2
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Re: weird signals?

Mmmmm...to be honest, AJ, no, I don't think I would be confused. I don't know what happened when it didn't work that night, who knows, sometimes it just doesn't happen, or doesn't happen right away. But when you said to him flat out "I told him it was ok, that i just wanted fun, and that i wasn't in love with him and didn't want to form a relationship." I mean, OUCH? Surely you can see how badly this would hurt someone who has strong romantic feelings for you? He probably IS in love with you and DOES want to form a relationship and you bam sort of kicked him in the teeth with telling him you don't want him the way he wants you.

He just wants to be friends WITHOUT benefits because his feelings for you are too strong to jsut "have fun." Obviously it's not "just sex" to him. He wants to be more than just your 2am booty call. If you feel that strongly in your heart that you will never feel that way about him and you will never want more than that from him, then please, be a real friend and don't press it. Just be his friend and leave any and all sex out of it. It wouldn be unfair and rather selfish for you to keep wanting to kiss him and mess around with him and making him feel guilty for not wanting to do these things with you when you know he loves you and you don't love him back.

 
Old 01-21-2008, 09:01 AM   #3
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Re: weird signals?

Well, I guess if i were you I would be confused...but I'm not you, I am me, and it is quite obvious.

You have been keeping him at arms length. When he wants you, you arent sure of what you want and you just want a friendship with extras. But when he starts to pull away, you notice it and want him back again and get feelings. Kind of wanting what you cant have, but you can have him. You are hurting him though. I think the night you two ALMOST did that he thought it meant more, then you said you were having fun and he put the breaks on. He cares about you very much and I would strongly recommend figuring things out and sticking with either friendship or relationship. Poor kid keeps getting hurt.

I did this with my last ex. He was crazy for me and everytime he pulled away I needed him back. I enjoyed sleeping with him, but i didnt want to date him. He almost moved out of the state because I was messing with his emotions so much. Well, one day i Just fell in love with him and we became a couple.

I think now though I would make a concious effort to not treat someone like that because it hurts.

GOOD LUCK! This isnt going to be easy.

 
Old 01-21-2008, 09:01 AM   #4
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Re: weird signals?

What's to be confused about? You talked and he said he wanted to be friends. It doesn't matter what he said or did up until the last time you talked. Take it at face value and believe him. If he wants to be more than friends he'll surely let you know.

Also, I'm not sure you have a leg to stand on in terms of having expectations of him, when you said yourself that you want to date him despite knowing it won't work out. I'm not sure how you know that, but it seems kind of insensitive to do that to someone, especially given that you have been broken up with and know how it feels.

 
Old 01-21-2008, 09:31 AM   #5
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Re: weird signals?

Some of you think he has strong feelings for me. But it didn't seem that way to me and that is why I never seriously thought about starting a relationship with him.
If he told me he had feelings (which he didn't), maybe I could have thought about it. He could have told me today if he felt he couldn't in the past. We were meeting up to talk.
I realised what i said the other night made a bad impression, but I did tell him last night, that I was up for dating and seeing where things went.
We have both come of hurtful relationships, so I suggested to him that we take things slow. Then he tells me today that we should just be friends.
I am not confused of the situation right now- we are just friends.
What I am confused about- surely, he must have had feelings for me in the past? Or didn't he?
I never meant to hurt him at all. But I would have clearly stated that we were going nowhere, or whether we could have given it a try. I wasn't dishonest, I was not lying etc- there was nothing wrong in my behaviour in my opinion.

Please do keep posting.

 
Old 01-21-2008, 09:40 AM   #6
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Re: weird signals?

Update: this is what I am confused about and slightly frustrated.
If I knew he liked me a lot, like people suggest, then I would have thought about it some more.
Maybe I dismissed it because I thought he didn't have strong feelings. Maybe this was my defence mechanism because of my last relationship that went badly.
Last night and this morning, I was getting excited about the possibility of dating him- we snowboard, we surf, we do a lot of things in common. It felt so good that something could possibly happen.
Then he says he just wants to be friends.

Surely, if he had enough strong feelings, what I said that night, and what I said about starting dating last night, would have enabled things to go forward if they were heading that way?

He is the opposite to my ex. He is all action, but his words dont match up his actions.
My ex on the other hand, was all talk and no action.

 
Old 01-21-2008, 09:53 AM   #7
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Re: weird signals?

Quote:
Originally Posted by apple_juice View Post
Surely, if he had enough strong feelings, what I said that night, and what I said about starting dating last night, would have enabled things to go forward if they were heading that way?
Well, not necessarily. Unfortunately, the sad reality of life is that, we say or do things that we later regret, but the effect they had on the person we said or did them to doesn't go away just because we say "oh, ok, I've changed my mind." Sometimes we screw up and blow it, and that's that. I'm only guessing here, but I'd say he's pretty hurt by being right there and almost making love to you and then hearing you say you don't love him, don't want a relationship, etc. that he's no longer willing to risk dating you and most likely getting his heart broken. I have to say, if I had a good friend that I had fallen in love with and were about to make love with him, but the moment went away because of nerves or whatever, and then he said "eh, no matter, it'sno big deal, no pressure, after all I don't want a relationship with you, I don't wand to date you" when that's exactly what I was hoping for and thinking it was becoming, I'd be so embarrassed and hurt I don't think I'd ever want to see him again. and if he came back the next day and said "oh c'mon, it was just sex, hey, I'm sorry, ok, let's give it a shot, it would be fun to date you" I'd tell him to go date his right hand.

This is why we always have to treat people, all people, but especially people we respect and care about, kindly and with a respectful tongue in our head, because life has no rewind button. Once we've said or done something, it can't always be undone. If we hurt someone, even though we change and grow and have become a better person, that doesn't obligate them to then trust us again or take another chance on us. Sometimes we only have one shot at these kinds of things. But if we don't get what we want, then like I've said, it' wasn't the thing we wanted that we were supposed to get, but rather the lesson we learne from having lost it. What lessons can you learn from losing this guy as a potential lover/boyfriend?

 
Old 01-21-2008, 09:55 AM   #8
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Re: weird signals?

All you can do is believe what he says, period. It doesn't matter what was said before, what his friend said, etc. Just try to be friends and if that's something that you can handle, then don't.

Based on your other posts here, it sounds to me like you are looking for something to fill the void because you don't like to be alone, or at least without someone wanting you. He may have wanted you at one point, but as of this minute, he claims he doesn't. Instead of trying to analyze whether he means it or not, why not try being on your own for a little bit? Why the constant drama?

 
Old 01-21-2008, 10:01 AM   #9
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Re: weird signals?

Apple! You know he likes you a ton! You said his brother told you, your friends know it...he drops whatever he is doing to come and be with you, he wants your arm around him because he likes how it feels...

You're making excuses.

He cares for you and you have been pushing and pulling, now I think he is just sick of feeling hurt so he is telling you all HE wants is friendship.

I again, think you need to decide what you want...friendship or relationship and tell him and stick to it.

 
Old 01-21-2008, 10:01 AM   #10
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Re: weird signals?

He's obviously a sensitive guy who really likes you which is why he put the breaks on. He probably didn't want it to be just sex, and when you said that you just wanted it to be fun you hurt him. Put yourself in his shoes. He was probably looking for you to say that you had feelings for him. Something. I mean, anything other than you just wanted sex! OUCH!!!!! No offense, but if some guy I really liked said that to me I would be way too embarrassed to talk to him again.

I'm not sure why you are confused. You just wanted to be friends. Now that he just wants to be friends you don't get it. Like buttetproof said, if you can handle being his friend, then do it. If you can't then don't. I think playing the field and holding off on a potential relationship is what you need right now.

 
Old 01-21-2008, 10:21 AM   #11
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Re: weird signals?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ash519 View Post
He cares for you and you have been pushing and pulling, now I think he is just sick of feeling hurt so he is telling you all HE wants is friendship.
I agree with Ash. And I also see a major pattern here. This is exactly what you were doing with your ex, pushing him away and then getting mad when he would be gone, and then trying to get him back. It's a pattern, AJ, one that you really need to identify where it's coming from and why you keep doing it, and stop doing it so your future relationships are less wraught with constant drama.

You really shouldn't be going out with anyone right now, because you still have a ton of work to do on yourself. This guy is doing you a favor by pushing you away now, because you can just drop it and start working on your issues.

I told you this many times before, but you keep ignoring me. This is your time to work on yourself and your issues. Get some counseling to identify why you keep having this pattern in your relationships where you're constanly pushing them away and then wanting them back again and then getting mad when they don't jump at your every command. This is a cruicial thing for you right now, because if you don't work this out now, while you are single and on your own, then your next relationship will definitely suffer for it.

You need to stop searching for someone to be with just for the sake of not being alone. And you need to start working interally on the problems you have within. Stop wasting your time with this guy and start living your life in such a way that will help you stop making the same mistakes over and over again.

 
Old 01-21-2008, 12:24 PM   #12
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Re: weird signals?

oh my god. My friend just told me he admitted having feelings back in november. i cant believe she didnt tell me this sooner.
Then remember a few weeks later, after the birthday etc, he told me we were jus friends.
So is this happening all over again??

 
Old 01-21-2008, 01:31 PM   #13
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Re: weird signals?

Aren't all the people involved (you, this guy, your friend) in college? To be honest, this reads more like a junior high relationship. Once people get past a certain age this kind of stuff doesn't really go on anymore. Forget what he told your friend three months ago. It doesn't matter because now it's three months later, and what's done is done. If he isn't adult enough to tell you himself, and you aren't adult enough to spend time alone following your last long-term relationship, then maybe you two shouldn't be together?

 
Old 01-22-2008, 06:45 AM   #14
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Re: weird signals?

Quote:
Originally Posted by apple_juice View Post
oh my god. My friend just told me he admitted having feelings back in november. i cant believe she didnt tell me this sooner.
Then remember a few weeks later, after the birthday etc, he told me we were jus friends.
So is this happening all over again??
This is why I really think the whole Friends With Benefits thing is such a bad idea, especially when the parties involved are unclear about what they want. He likes you, but is too scared or whatever to tell you or to make a real move, or he tries to make a move but you say it's just sex you only want to be friends, or you carry on about your ex so he assumes you're not over the ex, so he pulls back, then you get upset, etc. It sounds to me like neither of you really knows what you want. You're both waiting for the other to tell you how it's going to be, just like you waited for you ex to make all the moves, to break up with you in "just the right way" and say what you wanted him to say, etc.

It's time to take your power back, AJ. What do you want from this guy? You say he liked you back in November so why didn't he tell you? My guess is because of all the high drama you were going through with your ex at the time.

I think yes, it's all happening all over again, and probably wil continue to happen over and over and over until you break your pattern of how you conduct relationships, always waiting for what the other person is going to do before you decide on what you want to do. Are you willing to try to break that pattern? And you never answered my last question, which is what makes some people think you are just ignoring the advice you're being given here - what lesson do you feel you've learned by waffling on your feelings for your friend?

 
Old 01-22-2008, 08:00 AM   #15
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Re: weird signals?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
I think yes, it's all happening all over again, and probably wil continue to happen over and over and over until you break your pattern of how you conduct relationships, always waiting for what the other person is going to do before you decide on what you want to do. Are you willing to try to break that pattern? And you never answered my last question, which is what makes some people think you are just ignoring the advice you're being given here - what lesson do you feel you've learned by waffling on your feelings for your friend?

1) I meant is this happening again, as in he likes me, like he did in november, but is saying we are just friends, just like he did in november.
2) ive never ignored you larry. i just haven't had a chance to write a long response. im so busy.
3) im still trying to figure out if i have learnt anything here
4) well, ive never ever waited before deciding on what to do with a guy. with my ex, it was me telling him i loved him, it was me doing absolutely everything, and im sick of that. so sick of that. i won't ever do that again. selfish maybe but i can't be rejected and hurt again like that.
so i want someone to come to me for a change. i would like to know next time that a guy likes me.

 
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