I have been legally seperated for about 2 years now. Can't get the final divorce until we agree upon the house. I had inherited money when my father died and invested it in the home. All I am asking for is that money back(which we had ALWAYS said would be done should anything ever happen) and half of the equity in the home. We owe $55000 and the home is worth $115000. We cannot agree on anything. We are supposed to go to mediation to have it taken care of, but he refuses to go. I can have him held in contempt and he will have to serve time, but I dont want that. I am very big hearted and I dont want that to happen to him. Now he is saying that he only got approved for $71000 which means I will only get $16000 or the $25000 that I invested. I have alot of credit problems from him which are preventing me from being able to buy a home. I need this money to pay those judgements off before I can afford to get anything of my own. I am in need of EXTREME dental work as well that will cost several thousand dollars. Anyways, I told him that I would agree to the amt of $16000 and then in 5 years he can refinance and give me the other $9000. When he heard that, he hit the roof!! Said that he wasnt gonna spend his time and money fixing this place up to give me money.
Am I wrong for wanting only what I invested and not half of the equity as well? We have 4 kids together that I have custody of that I want to provide for. I wish him no harm. I gave him everything out of this house that he wanted. I have gone out of my way to be nice and keep this low key for my kids sake. I just need to know if I am wrong for wanting my money back. Yes, I am the one who asked for the divorce due to very intense emotional abuse and control issues We have been together for 18 years. Is this his way of getting back at me?
You need a lawyer. Or, at least, somebody who can get right to the bottom of your and his entitlements. I don't know whether he is ripping you off or not, but if you are unhappy with the outcome, you must do something to help yourself. Get legal advice. That would be my first step. Sera.
Of course this is way of getting back at you, and it's working pretty well. Even after years of his abuse, you still can't even demand what you have every right to demand. The choice to have him held in contempt or not is yours, but please keep in mind that it is in fact yours. If you lose the money you so desperately need simply because you have some misguided need to "play nice" with some jerk who's treated you like crap and who doesn't deserve it, then do so with the understanding that you are choosing being a nice guy and even perhaps being a martyr over choosing what is in your and your kids' best interest. It all comes down to what's more important to you. Also keep in mind it's HIS choice to not follow the dictates of the court, so it wouldn't be YOU holding him in contempt or "doing it to" him. He will be doing it to himself. What's so great about this guy that he deserves to be above the law and deserves to walk all over you and doesn't deserve to be held in contempt even when he breaks the rules of the court?
First off divorce is a business deal and you are not being very smart if you let your heart rule. You divorced him for a reason and now it is time to collect what is rightfully yours...not just what he thinks is yours but ALL that is rightfully yours. I just don't understand women who think they didn't earn their keep and settle for less. Stop communicating with him and get yourself a lawyer and he can talk to the lawyer. If you can't separate business from the soft side then you really need lawyer. Men get away with crap because women keep letting them get more than their share. It is very important for you not to speak to him again regarding this house issue...not just the house but everything you are entitled to half of everything! Your children need to see mom stand up for herself and to show them you are smart business women...it is very empowering! you go girl.
My exhusband was abusive and controlling (like your's) and he fought me every single step of the way until the divorce was finalized. Believe me, this IS his was of getting back at you.
Please get yourself a lawyer if you don't already have one. There are certain things you are entitled too and if he refused to go to mediation then he should be held in contempt. I know you want to be the "nice guy", but how is that helping you or your children at this point? You need to know you have YOUR money in order to clear up your finances and take care of your 4 children. I'm sorry, but I can almost guarentee that you won't see child support for long, if you even see it at all. Money seems to be his way of sticking it to you. Let your lawyer handle him and stop letting him play with your emotions. You will be the one who is hurt in the end.
Well, I DO have a lawyer. Just so that part is clear. We have settled everything but this house. He agreed on EVERYTHING. But I believe that now he see's that I am for real, he is holding on to the last thing he's got to try to "keep" me. He never really thought I would go thru with this. But I asked for the divorce for my kids sake to be honest. I dont want the girls growing up thinking that its ok to be treated this way and I dont want my son to think that this is how you treat a woman. This is the first time in my life that I have stood up for what I want and not what others think is best. See, I am a people pleaser. I love to make others happy. I don't want to hurt other people, I struggle with that. But it felt good to stand up for myself finally. Now I just need to cut all ties I suppose. He lives a mile away from me. Probably so he can keep tabs on me. He calls several times a day for no reason. He didnt want the divorce and I think he is struggling with it. But how could I live with myself knowing that I told my lawyer to just do whatever he needs to so that I can get what I need. I see that as being selfish. And I know you guys think I am wrong, that I should see it as what is rightfully mine and taking care of my kids. And I DO see it that way, I just wish there was a way to do both and there isnt. Thanks for the advice. Maybe I should just my lawyer do what he wants to do since I cant seem to find the strength to do it myself. I am only 36 years old and I have been with him for 18 years. When you look at it that way, I have spent half my life with him. I dont know anything else. But I took that step, and I am willing to keep on with it. Just something I guess I have to do.
look at your sense of pride and accomplishment for standing up for yourself. imagine you give him the house at the lessor price, knowing that its wrong. your recent gain in self-esteem will definitely get a hit and you'll be moving backward,not forwards.
[QUOTE=lilmsmagic;3***688] But how could I live with myself knowing that I told my lawyer to just do whatever he needs to so that I can get what I need. I see that as being selfish. [QUOTE]
Very easily - you remind yourself that you are, in FACT, entitled to it. More to the point, you and your children actually NEED it. You are not being selfish, you are protecting the interests of your children. Your lawyer is your advocate. But you are your childrens'. So by instructing your lawyer to do what he needs to do, you are instructing him to do what YOU need to do for your kids.
You are not asking for anything more than what you are legally and morally entitled to. The fact that you have to force youe ex, through a lawyer, is not your doing. You've been nice and patient and tried to sort it out being the nice guy. Your ex has chosen not to respect that and to force your hand. It is his choice not to also be nice. There is no sense in you responding to his lack of niceness by being even nicer. Clearly, he does not respect or respond to nice. That's his issue. Why should you feel forced to make up for his lack of civility? You've done what you can do to keep it "nice" - he doesn't want to play that way. And at the end of the day, this is about you getting what you need for you and your kids. It's not about pleasing him anymore.
And I know you guys think I am wrong, that I should see it as what is rightfully mine and taking care of my kids. And I DO see it that way, I just wish there was a way to do both and there isnt.
I don't think you are wrong in the least. You should be so proud of yourself for standing up for yourself and your children. Giving in to him now is not the way to go. You are entitled to get this money and you should fight for it. You are right in thinking this is a last ditch effort for him to control you and get you back. I'm sure he never thought you would actually go through with it.
Why are you even answering his calls? Because of the kids? If it is, you can let the call go to voicemail, here what he wants, and decide if you need to call him back or not. Every time he calls, i'm sure he lays the guilt trip on you. You need to put a stop to this. Now.
Your letting him get away with what you and your kids deserve. I just don't get it. I understand that you have a big heart- but this soon to be ex husband of yours sure didn't give you that treatment. You need to take extra steps then the ones you already took to rightfully gain what is yours. It's kinda like your allowing him to rob you.
You are exactly right....I AM allowing him to rob me. I am ALLOWING everything to happen. He has made me feel so guilty about things. I am scared that he will go off and kill himself and then I will have to live with the fact that I did that to my kids father. I dont want that on my shoulders. He has never threatened to do that, but I could see it happening. He controlled my every thought and move. Now that I have my freedom from that, I dont know how to act. A little scarey I must say, because I am still afraid of the consequences of my actions. I need this money soo bad. I am tired of telling my kids they cant have things because we dont have the money. They are making comments to my mom about how tired they are of hearing it. While he goes out and buys himself a new Harley. We were living in one room of this house for 5 days because we did not have any heat(it broke). So I blocked the room off and we stayed warm with electric blankets and plug in heaters. It kills me that I have to live this way. I just need to swallow my pride and everything else and just do it. I know that. I was just hoping that maybe I was wrong and there was a nicer way of doing things. I have to answer for what I do and he will have to answer for what he does. In the end, thats all that counts I suppose. Thank you all for your insight. It helps to get opinions of people who are unbiased.
I honestly don't think this has anything to do with your pride. He controlled your every move. So just because you're free doesn't mean all of a sudden that the controlling is going to stop. And what I mean by that is, yes you are free, but no you are not thinking for yourself or on your own yet. His guilt trips are still holding on tight-aka his controlling.
You can overcome this. I know about the guilt trips.. trust me. I KNOWWWW!!!!! But if you can just tell your lawyers to do what they need to do, I can almost promise that you won't regret it in the end. If he did end up committing suicide how dare you think it would be your fault. It's your fault he mistreated you? ..aww..I know guilt is the worse feeling ever.. you feel like your the one causing ALL THIS PAIN and he doesn't deserve this. But hunny he does. If he would of stayed true to his vows none of this would be happening. But he didn't love and cherish you. Now it's time for the ball to be in your court. Well- it is in your court, but you just don't see it yet. Take control and put the guilt in the past. Now is not the time to follow your heart, it's time to follow your mind and gut instinct.