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Old 02-05-2008, 08:04 AM   #1
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Stuck between a Rock and a Hard Place - Opinions from men and women please!

I am dating a guy whom I really like, J. I have known him for about 7 years, but we only started really talking shortly after xmas this past year and have gone out 4 times (our schedules are both pretty packed). anyway we talk every day or second day usually. I am really starting to like him. On our first date, he saw my paintings in my place (I am a part-time artist) and he said he has a friend, A, who is an artist as well and asked if I knew him. (these guys are both soccer players in my community so kind of hot-shots, but I'm not really in the community). I said I did.

The whole truth is that A and I fooled around 5 years ago a few times. It really wasn't that big of a deal, but I know at least a couple of the other soccer players know (although they may not know who I am since I stay away from the community, and I doubt they'd remember me now) and some girl knows....I don't know the girl, but apparently about 10 months after me and A ended she walked up to my sister and asked what was going on between me and A. She knows both A and J. I THINK she is A's brother's fiance, but I don't know and my sister can't even remember that happening, so she's no help.

Last summer, I went to back home on vacation (I went to a beach resort) and A and the girl were there as well. Nothing happened, and our past wasn't brought up, so whatever. But now J knows we were all there together.

Here's the thing. Now I really like J and am wondering if I should tell him about A, before he might find out from somebody else. I mean, A comes up enough, me and J talked about me and A in Europe, and A is one of J's best friends so he almost always comes at least a couple of times a week in conversation. I just try to change the subject quickly.

1. So should not tell him? if i don't, and he finds out about me and A, I'm guessing he'd probably feel humiliated. But A hasn't told him either....although

2.- do guys talk about the girls they are dating for only a short time with their friends or do they wait until they want to make it official to tell people? A might not even know J and I are dating.

3.But if I do tell, do I do it ASAP or wait for a while? I find its a very fine line here...i don't know if I should tell yet b/c we are still so new so I don't want him to easily discard me...but if I wait too long J could think I betrayed him by not telling him earlier, and he might be mad at A.

I'm so lost, i really like J and think this can be a very good relationship.

 
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Old 02-05-2008, 08:52 AM   #2
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Re: Stuck between a Rock and a Hard Place - Opinions from men and women please!

I would definately tell J. He directly asked if you knew him and if a week or month from now he heres you two hooked up, it may throw him off, so I would just tell him "By the way, A and I dated a couple years ago." And then answer any questions he might have. Better to be open now then have to explain yourself later.

Good luck! I am sure it won't be that big of a deal to him.

 
Old 02-05-2008, 09:28 AM   #3
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Re: Stuck between a Rock and a Hard Place - Opinions from men and women please!

You could tell, but I don't think it should matter, what you did before you guys were dating shouldn't really matter now.

 
Old 02-05-2008, 09:32 AM   #4
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Re: Stuck between a Rock and a Hard Place - Opinions from men and women please!

You said he asked "do you know him?" he didn't ask what your relationship was with him! You have no obligation to tell him the extent of your relationship UNLESS HE ASKS YOU!!!!!!! Then whatever you do...do not lie or tell a half truth or lie by omission! Tell him that you dated him a few times...you don't have to go into details! Once when I first started dating my now husband...he told me that he was friends with this one woman that we both knew but come to find out...he was not friends with her, he was in the process of moving in with her but then they got into a big fight and they broke up...in that case I was extremely hurt by his lies by ommission and half truths because I did ask him what their relationship was and he told me they were "friends"! So don't do that! I'm still angry 3 years later...HAHA! I do not like to be lied to! This was just about a deal breaker for me!
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Old 02-05-2008, 09:33 AM   #5
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Re: Stuck between a Rock and a Hard Place - Opinions from men and women please!

So when he asked if you know "A" he never asked how when you said you did, right? You and "A" were very casual (at best) so I don't know if it's one of those super important "I dated your best friend" conversations that you need to have. Maybe the next time he brings him up you could find a way to work in "oh, did I mention we went out a couple of times" or something like that.

You and "J" are not all that serious yet either, but you do like him. I don't see why you should have to divulge every bit of information, but there's no reason you can't say that you went out a couple of times. I can't imagine "A" would get into more details than that if "J" really likes you too since they are such good friends.

 
Old 02-05-2008, 10:14 AM   #6
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Re: Stuck between a Rock and a Hard Place - Opinions from men and women please!

I think the best thing to do is tell him, and the sooner the better. The truth always comes out.. and it's better if it comes from you.

It was 5 years ago, so J shouldn't really have to question for feelings for A or his for you. Clearly you have both moved on.

I think the next time you see J you should say something like, "I feel like I should say this just to put it out there so nothing comes up further down the road... I thought you should know that A and I dated a while back." It might weird him out for a moment, but if he's mature, and if he's into then he won't let it get between the two of you.

 
Old 02-05-2008, 10:14 AM   #7
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Re: Stuck between a Rock and a Hard Place - Opinions from men and women please!

I was in a similar situation several months ago. I didn't say anything at first, and I was really worried about what to do and how/if i should bring it up to the guy I was dating. His friend and I had only gone on one date a couple of years prior and had talked on the phone. The guy I was dating ended up being the one to bring it up. He mentioned his friend one day and said "you know him don't you?". All I said was yes and that was all that was ever said about it. It ended up not being a problem at all and I was worried for nothing. I guess his friend beat me to the punch by telling him that we knew each other. I think I would just wait it out if I were you. You haven't lied to him, and you did tell him that you knew his friend when he asked. If he wanted to know more he probably would have asked you more info after you said you knew him. If he ever gets upset about it in the future, I would just tell him that you didn't think it was that big of a deal---after all it was five years ago and its not like you guys were in a big relationship or anything.

 
Old 02-05-2008, 02:33 PM   #8
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Re: Stuck between a Rock and a Hard Place - Opinions from men and women please!

Well, it seems you've got the answer to your dilemma yourself. I may be wrong, but the very fact that you're so worried about this and that you've brought it up to the forum is a sign that you must talk to him. Otherwise you might never feel reassured again. The others have given you sound advice on how to do it. Good luck.

 
Old 02-05-2008, 04:37 PM   #9
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Re: Stuck between a Rock and a Hard Place - Opinions from men and women please!

Maybe J and A already talked about it before you started seeing J? That wouldn't surprise me. Do guys talk about their small relationships? I suppose that could happen but I'd be more inclined to think it was one of those...oh yeah I dated that girl...type of thing between A and J if A realized that J was dating you. Maybe A is partially responsible for J now dating you?? I don't know if you or J started things.

Last edited by friendof; 02-05-2008 at 04:37 PM.

 
Old 02-05-2008, 07:25 PM   #10
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Re: Stuck between a Rock and a Hard Place - Opinions from men and women please!

thank you for everyone's input.

friendof...J hit on me each time he saw me in the last 7 yrs, but I wasn't interested. my sister recently saw him and she is the one who got his number and hooked us up, and he has changed a lot and I do really like him. I don't even know if J has mentioned anything to A since this is still so new b/w us, I don;t know how much guys talk about these kind of things.

pendulum-nobody in 'real' life thinks i should say anything...i'm just worried b/c if I was in his position and I found out later on by a random person, I don't know if I would be happy that my SO hadn't mentioned anything earlier.

glamourgirl - wow our stories are similar! you put my mind at ease, thank you.

jen - thanks for the advice, I am a very blunt/honest person when I date people so i may be making this a bigger issue than it is, but i hate half-truths.

happymom - yes, I doubt A has mentioned it, it was pretty insignificant, our 'relationship'. and A is 30 and has never had a gf so I'm very glad I was not emotionally vested in him.

Last edited by jozi209; 02-05-2008 at 07:35 PM.

 
Old 02-05-2008, 07:30 PM   #11
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Re: Stuck between a Rock and a Hard Place - Opinions from men and women please!

jennie, ash - thank you for making me see its not that big of a deal!

beatrade - that is kind of what i am worried about, that it will be in the back of his head. i mean, if found out my sis and a guy i am dating went out a couple of times in the past and i found out later on, i think i would be upset....



In the end, I think I will tell him if we ever have the convo of 'where are we' or about past relationships. for all i know, he could have dated someone I went to our community school with and was friends with (a catholic school)...I'm somewhat lucky b/c none of the girls in my community that I am close with date the guys in the community...god! these communities are like small towns, so much gossip/news travels around....I guess if the guys primarily date within the community there is bound to be overlap somewhere. anyway, I'll let you all know if it comes up and he dumps me or whatever. Thank yiu all again for your input!

 
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