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Old 02-11-2008, 09:47 AM   #1
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Having a positive self image when comparisons with others....

*disclaimer...I've had similar topics on here, . . . I hope this one is different enough.*

Part 1. . . How do you handle this situation? Trying to maintain a healthy and positive self image when you know that you're a 4-5 (out of 10) at best, and you know that other guys "are better looking"? I was watching Hitch, yesterday, and some of the extras on that DVD talk about dating and how you should be towards the opposite sex. One of them was "having confidence", . . . . which sounds good and we all should have some level of that, but when you KNOW that you hit that scale in the middle at best, . . . . and girls (if they tell you the truth) prefer a 7 or better, . . . .how do you continue that positive image of yourself, having that confidence, . . . when your positive image and confidence doesn't necessarily mean it will attract someone you'll be attracted to?

Part 2 of this thread is, . . . . how many of you KNOW that you are too picky in that "who you are attracted to is really someone above your level"? It's not that it CAN'T happen, but the odds are rather stacked against you and who you seem to find attractive. I think I fall into that category. I'm not saying that all I'm attracted to are the uber attractive, though I really do respect and appreciate the uber beautiful. . . . . ie, Jennifer Garner-ish. I would be very happy with the cute "girl next door", if she had a great personality too.
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Old 02-11-2008, 10:04 AM   #2
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Re: Having a positive self image when comparisons with others....

stop looking at the glass 1/2 full.......
figure out how to make women laugh......that will be your secret weapon~
women love a guy who will make them laugh.

 
Old 02-11-2008, 10:32 AM   #3
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Re: Having a positive self image when comparisons with others....

Before I answer, just a quick statement of my OP. I didn't write it as a "oh poor pitiful me". Just trying to figure out how all of this works.

Now, rosequarts, yes, I DO know that girls like a guy who can make them laugh, but even that isn't enough. Many times, that guy just becomes, "one of my funny friends".

As for the "1/2 glass" analogy, . . . . often we try to find ways to make that 1/2 of a glass as exciting as a nearly full one, but again, . . . that may not be enough for it to make a difference, when a nearly full glass may be sitting on the counter . . . . . . . and the woman is a little dehydrated.
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EDC means EveryDay Carry...........because everyone should carry a small light with them all the time.

Last edited by EDC_Light; 02-11-2008 at 10:42 AM.

 
Old 02-11-2008, 10:35 AM   #4
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Re: Having a positive self image when comparisons with others....

oops I meant stop looking at the glass 1/2 empty

 
Old 02-11-2008, 10:41 AM   #5
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Re: Having a positive self image when comparisons with others....

LOL .. . . . . . Yeah, I was going to say something, but decided not to. You could quickly change your post and no one would ever know!!!

Edited to add: I'll be offline until tomorrow (the 12th of Feb.)
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EDC means EveryDay Carry...........because everyone should carry a small light with them all the time.

Last edited by EDC_Light; 02-11-2008 at 10:59 AM.

 
Old 02-11-2008, 11:14 AM   #6
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Re: Having a positive self image when comparisons with others....

Stop looking at other people. Looks have very little to do with who is successful in love. How many stunningly beautiful couples do you know, really? I have said this before on these boards when this subject comes up- the person I was the most attracted to in my life was the least physically/conventionally attractive of any bf I'd ever had. But he was incredibly smart, very funny, and an amazing artist. These are important types of qualitites to cultivate. Be interesting. Be interested in other people. Be engaging. Make the most of what your looks actually are, by having a good sense of style and taking care of yourself.

"Girls prefer a seven or better"? That is total garbage. First of all, we're women, not girls. Secondly, study upon study has been done that shows that men are far more visually influenced in choosing a mate than women, for biological reasons they aren't even aware of. Be glad you're a man, then. We ladies are apparently a lot more forgiving when it comes to looks, at least according to science. And at the end of the day, most people just like who they like. There is no such thing as "leagues" of people except for those leagues created by our own insecurities, in our own heads. You're headed down a slippery slope here. Best to start being a lot more positive about yourself and finding things you like about you.

 
Old 02-11-2008, 11:17 AM   #7
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Re: Having a positive self image when comparisons with others....

If someone knows/feels that they are minimum to low on the attractive scale, then the best thing they can do is know what other traits they have to offer and enhance them. We all know that its not all about looks.. yes they matter.. but only to a point. Patience is the key I think. Become the "funny friend" and you could easily eng up growing on that female friend and suddenly she sees you in a whole new light.

My first real boyfriend/love was a guy that I didn't find all that physically attractive at first. I fell in love with his personality. I've also missed out on great guys b/c I was too hung up on appearances at the time. A friend of mine was really into me, I wasn't feeling the same b/c I focused too much on his pudginess, and "sloppy" look.. later we became great friends.. I saw how great a guy he was and started to develope a crush on him.. only then it was too late.. he gave up on me and moved on. (It all worked out for the best in the end though!)

There are ways to help your phyiscal look out too; knowing how to dress, how to wear your hair, how to present yourself. That all helps with that first impression.

But be confindent with knowing what you have to offer.

I just wanted to add a few things. Bulletproof's post sparked a few things!

I agree that men are more concerned over all with appearance than women are. We could get into the whole things about how media and society haven turned the "ideal woman" into an incredibly unrealistic goal. Even the super models and actress are airbrushes and retouched!!

Also wanted to add that my most attractive boyfriend (my general standards) was the worst boyfriend I had. He was selfish and egotistical. He put himself up on a pedastil. I can't blame his looks totally on his attitude, but I know that it did contribute. And I think thats common. Alot of the "model" type guys I know.. the ones with the chisled bodies and model faces end up being cocky. A woman is not attracted to cockiness, not for a life partner anyway.

Last edited by jen52983; 02-11-2008 at 11:33 AM.

 
Old 02-11-2008, 02:31 PM   #8
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Re: Having a positive self image when comparisons with others....

There's a poem that says something along the lines of, don't compare yourself to other people, because that will cause you to be either bitter or vain, because there will always be greater and lesser people than yourself.

I used to feel the same way you do. I always thought I was pretty cute, but men just didn't seem to find me attractive at all, so I thought what I was seeing in the mirror and in pictures must be all wrong, other people saw something so ugly that guys didn't even want to talk to me. But I look around and I see women with bodies, faces, smiles, hair, etc. not nearly as nice as mine with really great guys. It's not about looks. It's about how in control of your own life you are, how stable you are, how much fun you are to be with, how comfortable you are in your own skin, and what you bring to the table.

I hardly have all the answers. Obviously I don't or else I wouldn't have spent almost my whole life single, and wouldn't still be single today. But I do know that all you can do is make the best of what you've got. Change what you can, accept and learn to love what you can't, know the difference, and give the rest to God and get on with it. That's really all any of us can do.

 
Old 02-11-2008, 05:36 PM   #9
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Re: Having a positive self image when comparisons with others....

LL'smom, I do find it hard to believe that you're still single too. You seem to have an overall good grasp of things and about relationships. I guess this may be (for some) one of those "life mysteries" that are hard to explain. Have you had any other successes on those dating sites? I only had that one, and I don't think we are an ultimate match. We're email friends at best, and that's fine. Other than her, I'm pretty much had no success, . . . . . . other than the Russian or Nigeria scammers.

As for my appearance, I always keep myself well groomed and wearing non-sloppy clothing. My hair is pretty short because I have lost a lot of hair. I do the clean shaven look as well, because I think facial hair CAN be a bit sloppy, sometimes.

One of the characteristics I have that has been the hardest for me to overlook (and embrace), which you've all try to keep telling me that it doesn't matter, . . . . is my hair line and height. I know what people tell me, that I need to stop thinking this way, but it seems to me that women prefer taller (even if they're relatively short themselves), and nice hair. This isn't something that is "just in my mind", I see this at places I go where these types of interactions take place. I don't know, maybe it's just a "christian woman" thing. I won't go that far [to say that], though. . . . . . I think that is someone's own personal gripes getting into the mix.
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EDC means EveryDay Carry...........because everyone should carry a small light with them all the time.

 
Old 02-11-2008, 06:06 PM   #10
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Re: Having a positive self image when comparisons with others....

Hi EDC,

Have not posted in a long time, been really busy between dating and working. Anyway, I believe a positive image comes from building up one's self esteem and really feeling good about oneself. A person that feels good about themselves sends out "vibes" no matter how they look or how tall or short they are.

My view is it all starts within.. not on the outside as I have met plenty of really good looking men who were shallow inside and only cared about how big their muscles were. Yuck!

I was always attracted to a good heart, intelligence, a sense of humor as well as a man who feels good about himself and is secure within himself.

I myself was an insecure girl yet as I grew older I learned how to build up my own esteem (part of that was accepting who I was, good and bad). Today I can honestly say I feel really good about me. It doesn't matter what I look like, wherever I go people start talking to me! I must be sending out positive vibrations.... I don't know.

Start with learning to accept yourself totally, then once you do that, you can be objective about yourself and work on what you don't like about yourself. Looks are only a shell (forgive the cliche!). When I look into a man's eyes and I feel that warmth, I get a tingling feeling inside.. has nothing to do with how he physically looks unless he weighs 600 pounds, but that will lead me to another topic completely.

Hope that helps somewhat,
Sunny

 
Old 02-11-2008, 08:22 PM   #11
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Re: Having a positive self image when comparisons with others....

EDC
you have posted about this topic quite a bit and I will tell you, the guy I am dating right now is not my physical type. Yes he has a nice body, but I've known him for 7 years and we just started to date. He had a receding hairline from a young age, is only a few inches taller than me, and is pretty clean cut....and I'm generally physically attracted to longer-ish hair, tall, scruffy guys....
well most of my past relationships have been with 'my physical type' and i put off going out with the guy I'm dating now b/c he didn't fit my mold. if guys that i were on dates with didn't fit my mold, and we'd be out, I'd find myself looking at other guys who I was physically attracted to and thinking why wasn't I with them. the guy I am dating now and I hadn't seen each other for a few yrs and my sister ran into him and exchanged our numbers, and b/c I wasn't dating anyone, I thought I'd give him a shot.
On our first date he blew me away. his manners, his ability to make me feel like number 1, his ability to make me laugh are all incredible - I have never been happier or more compatible personality-wise with a guy. I go out with him now, and even when I see a guy who is more physically my type, I can appreciate that but turn around and am so happy with the person that makes ME happy. I am finding myself very attracted to physical qualities in him that I never paid attention to before.
I hope that gives you some food for thought.

 
Old 02-12-2008, 12:11 AM   #12
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Re: Having a positive self image when comparisons with others....

I agree to not compare yourself with others---when I find myself doing this, it can really mess with my self esteem. When I am happy with just being me, and feel good about myself, is when people really like me and want to get to know me. The two main qualities I am attracted to in guys are confindence and kindness. I want someone who can be a strong leader---not scared to stand up for themself or others----but who also has a kind, caring heart. To me that would be the ultimate "catch"--hehe. I think women (no matter how independent they may be) like to feel safe and protected--yet not by some jerk. As far as physical appearance goes---clean cut and not sloppy works for me .

 
Old 02-12-2008, 10:57 AM   #13
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Re: Having a positive self image when comparisons with others....

I really appreciate all the responses from you lovely women.

Of course, . . . now I'm wondering what they may be putting in the water around were I live because I believe that I AM kind, considerate, and caring. . . . .and I don't let my "not so wonderful self image" show when I'm around people. I will look people straight in the eye, will talk confidently to them, and don't act all "school boy-ish" around the girls, . . . you know, the "shy bashful" . . . putting the "you know what" on a pedistal.

Hmmmmm. . . . . . maybe I just need to be a bit more patient.
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EDC means EveryDay Carry...........because everyone should carry a small light with them all the time.

 
Old 02-12-2008, 09:07 PM   #14
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Re: Having a positive self image when comparisons with others....

there is no "scale" by which every woman measures men. You may be a "3" on one woman's scale, but an "8" on another, or you may start off as a "5" on another
woman's "scale" but once she gets to know you, you become and "8" or a "9."

Get this preconceived notion out of your head that what's attractive to some women is attractive to all of them.

 
Old 02-13-2008, 06:50 AM   #15
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Re: Having a positive self image when comparisons with others....

I hear what you're saying. I guess what I'm talking about is the "initial attraction", . . . . or the stage where they don't know your character/personality, and just see you (like at your local church). If I was placed in a line up with many of the other guys, I'd hit about in the middle (this is how I see it, and unfortunately, my mind goes to the "scale") of this scale.

Now, you have to realize that I'm looking at this AS a guy and a guy who may not know the thinking/psyche of the female mind. Women and men DO think on different levels or in different ways, so you may see my concerns as a non-issue, but as a guy, . . . . comparisons with other "better looking" guys will happen. Of course, these comparisons happen with women as well, . . . . .but for the life of me, I'm not REALLY sure what that means!

You know, I think a lot of my problems center around my past horrid experience where my ex decided to be more attracted to another man. I have moved on fairly well, but it has damaged my heart and damaged the way I view this whole world of "love". I never had any one find me attractive enough to be in a relationship with me . . . until my ex, and that ended because she found another more attractive (to her) man.

I really have tried to develope a more positive attitude, and many of you have "yelled at me" because I haven't acheived it yet. I DO hear what you all are saying, but for some reason I can't seem to break down the wall.
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